Avevo voglia di scriverti, di scrivere, anche cose senza senso per sapere come stai, di chiamarti per sentire la tua voce calda, almeno quella un po’ più vicina del solito, niente di speciale, lo so.
Niente di più, volevo dirti che ho fatto un sogno bellissimo, non mi ricordo dov'ero, ricordo solo che camminavo senza una meta precisa, come faccio di solito la mattina prima di andare a lavoro, cammino e ti penso un po’, volevo dirti che ho scritto il tuo nome ovunque, ho occupato pagine di quaderno quasi fino a farmi venire il mal di testa, che stupida penserai, queste sono cose che fanno gli adolescenti e io vorrei risponderti che è così che mi fai sentire, ma con la testa sulle spalle, ci penso, ma non esagero mai, l'amore non ha limiti.
Tu credimi, non si può essere in due se è solo uno a volerlo, per questo ti scrivo.
Quindi dimmi che mi pensi anche tu, quando ti capita, semmai ti chiamo.
Una linea invisibile ci separa, ma non ce ne rendiamo conto, impossibile dirai, ma la sento, vorrei starti accanto e proprio adesso ho capito che quella linea invisibile è solo la paura, la mia, paura che un giorno sparisca tutto quello che c'è stato, quello che ho immaginato, creato pensando a noi, è assurdo, no? Eppure eccomi qui, a scriverti tutto quello che mi passa per la testa, perché oggi il cielo era limpido e andava tutto bene, volevo dirti che riesci sempre a farmi stare bene anche quando qualcosa non va come avevo previsto.
È che faccio casino con le idee e raramente faccio qualcosa che sia giusto in ogni suo particolare, perché con l'idea che mi dai di te, non trovo niente che possa andare oltre alle tue labbra,
i tuoi occhi,
il tuo profumo.
So già che ti rimpiangerò, che rimpiangerò ogni parola che non ti ho mai detto, dedicato, sussurrato.
Lo so, ma tu adesso non farmelo pesare, per adesso va bene così.
—  Alice Giaquinta, Tutte le cose che non ti dico.
It’s really hard to admit that you just need someone. It’s difficult to say, ‘Look, I don’t need your heart. I just need your arms around me. I just need to feel someone’s skin against my own. I’m lonely.’ You can’t say that to people. You can’t ask someone to bring their affections and leave out their emotions. It doesn’t work like that.

I could write entire novels about anyone else I’ve ever loved, but not you. My God, not you.“

"As soon as I sit down and try to put you into words, I get stuck. There is no adjective adequate enough to describe the twinkle in your eye and no sentence that could even begin to explain the feeling that you give me in the pit of my gut. You literally take the words out of my mouth.”

—  excerpt from a book i’ll never write #45 // words are supposed to come easy but you make everything hazy
Sometimes I just want to go back in time, not to change things in my life, but just to relive those little moments you forget. It would be nice to experience those moments twice, to remind you not to take things for granted. Oh to feel some of those emotions twice. Maybe I would be more content with my life if I were able to do that. Maybe we feel more content with our lives when we get older. But right now I long more to be in the past than to continue moving into the future.
—  What if erica-s-diary
Repeat after me:
I am not my flaws, but how I work on them.
I am not my mistakes, but what I learn from them.
I am not my barriers, but how I overcome them.
—  Journal - February 2nd, 2016

I get a lot of questions about sexism in marching arts on here. 

“Are people on drumlines sexist?” “Is it harder to audition if you’re a girl?” “Do you have a hard time fitting in because you’re a girl?” etc. 

The short and painful answer is yes. Yes there are men in ensembles that will treat you differently and unfairly. There are women who will accuse you of being every name under the sun. And as hard as it is to admit, there are organizations out there who will make snap judgements based on the fact that you are female. 

I once marched with two young men who HATED me, absolutely hated me, partly because of my confidence and the way that I carry myself. Now obviously that is a long story with a lot of he said/she said and I could go on and on about how they felt and how we each reacted to one another. But one of the comments they said has rolled around in my head for a long time; 

“She thinks she’s so pretty and such a good performer. It’s so annoying.”

Yeah. They had a problem with me because I believed in myself. I doubt very seriously that had I been a boy I would have been treated or received as negatively. 

That’s the catch 22 of being a girl on a drumline sometimes. If you’re silent you’re weak. If you speak up you’re a bitch. If you’re friendly you’re a slut. If you’re standoffish your (again) a bitch. I’ve met a lot of female drummers who are so negative and down on their playing ability when they’re just as good as the guys next to them. You’re allowed to think you’re good. 

The thing that makes it all tolerable is that these are isolated, pockets of incidents. For every sexist comment or jerk I have received, I’ve gotten 10 compliments. I’ve made more friends than enemies. I have more brothers than I know what to do with. 

The reality is, it’s 2015 and we need to talk about the way we treat each other. Women are strong, and tough, and just as ALPHA as men are. But they’re also people who make mistakes and should be shown the same forgiveness, understanding, and chances at redemption. 

So the long answer is yes, you’re going to experience sexism in this activity. It’s not just in batteries, it will be in all sections and experiences. You’re going to experience it in life too. That doesn’t mean you should stop trying, or pushing yourself to be better. Stand up for yourself. Raise your voice. Believe in your abilities. Beat back those negative voices that say you can’t until they’re gone forever. You can do this. Now go do it. 

The first relationship ended because I broke up with him. I thought that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Seeing the pain and hurt on his face broke my heart. But the second relationship ended because he broke up with me. No cheated on me. I thought that was the hardest thing I ever had to go through in my life. Going through the pain and being hurt like that tore my heart apart. But to this day I still couldn’t tell you which side I would rather choose. Because both took me a long time to get over. And I still relive both of those heartaches once and a while.
—  There is no better side when it comes to heartbreak erica-s-diary
- Ti avevo già detto che ti ho scritto una canzone?
- Sì, l'avevi accennato.
- Te l'ho mandata, quando la leggi dimmi che ne pensi.
- Sarà sicuramente bella.
- Io ho dei dubbi.
- Non averne, potrebbe tranquillamente essere anche una poesia.
- Non esagerare, l'ho scritta senza pensarci su.
- E’ meglio di quanto tu pensi.
- Ma non è strana?
- No, mi hai dedicato una cosa meravigliosa.
- Chi ti dice che te l'abbia dedicata?
- Allora è per il tuo amante.
- Amante? Quale amante?
- Adesso che sei lontana chissà quanti bei ragazzi hai incontrato.
- Tanti, ma non sono interessata.
- Sono geloso.
- Lo so, comunque penso che sia troppo malinconica, per questo la trovo strana.
- Senza malinconia non c'è poesia, quindi è perfetta. Vorrei averti tra le mie braccia per convincerti.
- Piacerebbe anche a me.
- Com'è il tempo?
- Oggi si sta benissimo, il cielo è limpido. Da te?
- Piove e c'è il sole, è un po’ come me.
- Come te?
- Indeciso, impaziente di rivederti.
- Così non va.
- Perché?
- Avrei voglia di piangere.
- Non farlo, Luglio è vicino.
- Il tempo passa troppo lentamente.
- E le chiamate non bastano.
- E non posso accarezzarti.
- E non posso vederti impazzire per imparare il Giapponese
- Ti prego non ripeterlo.
- Mi manchi.
- Anche tu, tanto.
- Ti senti come mi sento io?
- Triste?
- No, innamorato.
- Sì, non mi passa mai.
—  Alice Giaquinta, Non mi passi mai.
‘And everybody talks and sings and drones and phones and gossips about love, but no one tells you how to practice it, you know?’ she sips her cocktail, 'like you hate, so you hurt–you’re sad, you cry–you’re horny, you fuck–but you love,’ she pauses, 'and what? what do you do?’

When was the last time you see yourself in the mirror and like what you see? When was the last time you believe that you are pretty? as pretty as those girls you talk about to your friends? When was the last time you face the crowed and have that confidence that you are pretty and beautiful enough?

When we were kids, and when we look at the mirror, we saw our faces and never felt bad about it. What makes us feel ugly?

 It’s us, comparing ourselves to others. ’

—  You’re beautiful no matter what. I promise. // J.D.Gamara
Tu sei lo stesso che mi ha detto “tienimi nei tuoi sogni quando ti manco, quando non sono con te”, perché tu sei la stessa persona che mi accarezzava lentamente quando fuori la pioggia non accennava a fermarsi, pensa a questo, il tuo cuore non è spezzato, non è rotto in mille pezzi e quindi si può ancora aggiustare.
Ricordo la prima volta che ci siamo incontrati e mi hai detto che non avevi mai provato ad amare qualcuno, non avevi mai provato la sensazione di andare oltre a tutto quello che credevi possibile, che ormai per te sembrava non esistere più, non sei mai stato innamorato e può fare paura, cammini a tentoni in mezzo al buio perché non puoi sapere come andrà a finire, se finirà o semmai quanto durerà?
Perché quello che ti lascia senza fiato può darti tante altre emozioni e non c'è niente di cui vergognarsi, non c'è niente che possa sostituirti anche quando non sei con me. […]
—  Alice Giaquinta, Le carezze in una notte piovosa.
Life with BPD #1

You want to scream. Every minute of every day. It’s resting in the back of your throat. The scream could be a laugh. It could be a cry. Or it could be that everything inside of you needs to come out in some way, and the only option you have left is a scream.

Your mind will find about five different things to latch onto. And once it does, each one is going to start getting dragged out of you. It could be anything. A phone call you had, an art piece you’re working on, a conversation with a friend that you need to have , a feeling toward an enemy you can’t shake, or waiting for a text back from a loved one.

Nothing is really that wrong. Nothing to be done in that immediate moment. Or even that day. But you still feel your heart randomly spike and thoughts burst into your mind. And when they do, you want to scream. Just to relieve some of the pressure building inside of you. It won’t really do any good, but it might make you feel somewhat better.

You have zero control over all of this. You have no say so on which things you latch on to. You have no control over your heart or your thoughts. The only thing you can control. Is that you will not scream.

This is everyday of your life. Never knowing when you might break. When the facade will evaporate and everyone will see what’s underneath. So you swallow it down and breathe. And get to the next moment. But each moment you get to, you want to scream.

2

“when chanced with greatness, it appears i always take the shadowed spot for a crooked smile. so here i sat in bed thinking about you, wondering if i would be forever resigned to the fact that if life were a poorly trained assassin, you’d be the gun to my head and your lips would be the bullet that would tear me down indefinitely.”
- adam tie. (inspired by peaky blinders)