I know nobody reads this shit (which is probably a good thing, considering my constant whining), so consider this my shout into the void. I have a history of abuse, which has lead to low self esteem, self-destructive tendencies and generally a debilitating knowledge that I am not worthy of love, nor do I know how to love. All of this is not news to me or the people that know me. The fact that I have always sought refuge in poetry, books and the world of science fiction is common knowledge. I am mostly seen as a cute, dorky, naive, overgrown pubescent fangirl, even though I’m pushing 30. I assume that role without fuss and am generally vocal about the things I love, but I know I use this as a mask, albeit not a particularly clever one. When I went to see TLJ I was expecting to see the same awesomeness I have known to love, and to escape into a wonderful world for two hours. What I got instead was an experience that has shaken me to the core. I needed another two hours to calm down after the movie. Because it might be in a galaxy far, far away, but Kylo Ren’s portrail hit close to home. I forgot I was watching a fictional story and instead saw myself completely in that character. I felt all sorts of things; happy that finally I can relate to something, sad because it is so obviosly not real, elated that he made such an intimate connection and hopeful that maybe things will start to turn around for me too. I’ve often felt alone; I wear that feeling like a second coat by now, and I have never once felt I connected that deeply to someone, that I had found my equal. After TLJ I feel that maybe there is hope for me too. Maybe even if I am this fucked up, someone will look at me with tears in their eyes and surprise me by telling me “neither are you” (alone) and I’ll actually believe it. So yeah, I know I’m probably beyond lame, but this movie means so much to me. Kylo and Rey’s relationship is beyond amazing, it’s real and raw, it’s not all rainbows. It’s how damaged people love, they put it all in and sometimes it’s a shit-show, but the most important thing is that they realize when they make mistakes and try and make up for them. And if you really find your equal, you’ll truly feel that the effort is worth it. I’m sorry about the rant, I just needed to get that off my chest.