I know nobody reads this shit (which is probably a good thing, considering my constant whining), so consider this my shout into the void. I have a history of abuse, which has lead to low self esteem, self-destructive tendencies and generally a debilitating knowledge that I am not worthy of love, nor do I know how to love. All of this is not news to me or the people that know me. The fact that I have always sought refuge in poetry, books and the world of science fiction is common knowledge. I am mostly seen as a cute, dorky, naive, overgrown pubescent fangirl, even though I’m pushing 30. I assume that role without fuss and am generally vocal about the things I love, but I know I use this as a mask, albeit not a particularly clever one. When I went to see TLJ I was expecting to see the same awesomeness I have known to love, and to escape into a wonderful world for two hours. What I got instead was an experience that has shaken me to the core. I needed another two hours to calm down after the movie. Because it might be in a galaxy far, far away, but Kylo Ren’s portrail hit close to home. I forgot I was watching a fictional story and instead saw myself completely in that character. I felt all sorts of things; happy that finally I can relate to something, sad because it is so obviosly not real, elated that he made such an intimate connection and hopeful that maybe things will start to turn around for me too. I’ve often felt alone; I wear that feeling like a second coat by now, and I have never once felt I connected that deeply to someone, that I had found my equal. After TLJ I feel that maybe there is hope for me too. Maybe even if I am this fucked up, someone will look at me with tears in their eyes and surprise me by telling me “neither are you” (alone) and I’ll actually believe it. So yeah, I know I’m probably beyond lame, but this movie means so much to me. Kylo and Rey’s relationship is beyond amazing, it’s real and raw, it’s not all rainbows. It’s how damaged people love, they put it all in and sometimes it’s a shit-show, but the most important thing is that they realize when they make mistakes and try and make up for them. And if you really find your equal, you’ll truly feel that the effort is worth it. I’m sorry about the rant, I just needed to get that off my chest.

Struggling

This might turn into a really long rant or ramble so bear with me. 

I ate horrible today. I ate horrible this weekend. I pretty much ate horrible for the past several days. I am eating to eat. I am stressed out and I am coping with food. I know this is wrong but I let myself do it anyways. In fact I am thinking about food right now. I am broken. 

There I said it. I am broken. I am carrying the burdens of two people and I’m struggling. Hard. I hate my job. I feel completely stuck. My fiance (still not use to this word) is finishing his credential program to become a teacher and works part time, 20 hours a week for the recreation district, and its just not cutting it any more. And I’m stuck because I carry our financial burden and I work 50-60 hours a week at a job that only frustrates me and feels like a waste of my potential. But we live in a town that pays people shitty because they can. There is an over abundance of work force so they can pay cheap. I have been in my direct position for 8 years and I feel like I literally have nothing to show for it. This July I will have been at this location for 10 years. And I am almost making barely more than what I did when I first started. I’ve applied for several jobs in our area and nothing. And again I’m just stuck. Stuck until at least until the end of the year. 

Being stressed about money only causes me to want to eat and forget about everything else. And then I sit here, tears dropping onto the keyboard, and think I sound spoiled. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, and while I’m barely holding on- I am much more than other people. I don’t want to invoke first world problems but its there. 

So if you made it this far in my rant, thank you for reading and letting me type it out instead of screaming it out. 

About Sexiest Man Alive...

I already know I am going to offend some people out there when I make this post, but this whole thing with Blake Shelton getting sexiest man alive has made me really mad. You pick this baked chicken over all these men of color? Like literally there are so many beautiful men of color out there! “The Sexiest Man Alive” is a scam that is mostly dominated by white men! Denzel is the only African-American male I know of that has got this ridiculous title. Like what the hell? So I have made a small list of some men of color that I think could bless a cover of Peoples magazine: 

(I picked people in my opinion that I thought fit the bill better than Blake Shelton)

(Ps. Peoples Magazine, you are a joke :))

  • Idris Elba

Originally posted by lesterfreamon

  • Rami Malek

Originally posted by handcuff-me

  • Isaiah Mustafa

Originally posted by magnuficant

  • Jason Momoa

Originally posted by xsignedmsriss

  • Chadwick Boseman

Originally posted by vibraniumvibes

  • Steven Yeun

Originally posted by ashleynerdstar

  • Jesse Williams

Originally posted by greysstillslays

  • Harry Shum Jr.

Originally posted by harryshumjrs

All of these are in my opinion. I am just tired of American Media being mainly “white“. America is supposed to be a “melting pot” but it’s not. White ran media is over everything. There are multiple people of color out there and giving Blake Shelton Sexiest Man Alive in my opinion was brainless and stupid. There are so many other celebrities they could have chosen. 

Extreme Antagonist Acting Do’s and Don'ts in Film Examples

Bill Skarsgård- “It”

- Prepared thoroughly for the role, reading the novel, as well as putting an entirely new spin on the iconic character, receiving much praise, while having respect for the original. ( He’s 27)

- Was well aware when and when not to be in a dark place in order to portray Pennywise’s demented and demonic self. (As staying in those places mentally can prove to be detrimental to actor’s mental health.)

-Was extremely kind and helpful to his cast and crew, especially the children whom he worked with, making sure they were OK between takes, and treating them with the same respect he would treat any adult actor.

Jared Leto- “Suicide Squad”

-Sent cast members live rats, a pig carcass, anal beads, and used condoms as “gifts” from the Joker. This can be sourced by interviews with the cast on Youtube, (such as ‘Suicide Squad’: Will Smith talks about the crew relationship with Jared Leto’ ) where Will Smith talks about how Leto sent him a dead pig.

-Method acted as the Joker, creating an uneasy and distasteful environment to those he worked with. (Method acting is not supposed to do that.)

-His overall performance as the iconic character that many talented actors had played before ended up lacking variety despite it all.

I have never met these two in person, nor can I vouch for their character, but it says a lot about an actor in a working environment who is able to do their job well, as well as treat those they’re working with with respect and kindness.

I am an old lesbian.

Things have changed, like a lot!

- Subaru was the car company for lesbians to get out and stay out in. Now it’s Jeep and they don’t even have a Dana Fairbanks!

- People didn’t care that there was a masculine character with a feminine character, like Shane and Carmen. But now people find that odd. They want couples that look like Brittany and Santana.

- Oh and now Butch is a bad word? This one is still lost on me!

- Some of these kids haven’t even seen The L Word. And that was like a requirement when I was younger.

- Apparently we now have to clarify that trans woman that are also lesbian, or people of color that are lesbians are included. Like ma… of course, y'all were always included!
*If you do not include these folks, well you suck, please leave! We don’t want you here bitch!

- There are new lines within the LGBT+ community, ones that divide us out a lot more. Dude, we call it The Family for a reason. We is Family yo, we are all here we are all queer, it’s good.
*And that includes non-binary, fluid, asexual, and all y'all people too!! The +… y'all make the community go from an A to an A+… y'all important and y'all matter!! All y'all.

- Labels have always been an issue, but recently now if you use terminology mistakenly.. it’s a personal attack. But for a long time, you just politely corrected people and went about your day. Like yo I’m sorry I fucked up, but I fuck up my own address (that I’ve had for years) on the regular. We talk wrong sometimes, it’s not always personal.
*and to the folks that do mislabel other on purpose, fuck you, get up off my post!


So… I have some how managed to become an old lesbian some how. And I guess it’s cool. But like… I’m only 24 y'all. I know we progressive n shit… but like I already have grey hairs, I am not ready to be old yet!

An entire city in the Philippines is being controlled by ISIS-linked group. Please pray, like seriously pray for the city of Marawi and its people being held hostage.

Read the fucking Iliad. Pretty please.

I love the fandom of ‘The song of Achilles’, or in general anyone who ships Patrochilles, ok?
Like, if you so much as utter the name ‘Achilles’ or ‘Patroclus’ or, hell, even 'Agamemnon’ in front of me I’ll instantly consider you my friend. Just thinking about the fact that there are other people out there who appreciate the classics makes me happier than a kid on his birthday. But sometimes it SHOCKS me how little people really know about them.
Maybe you’re a fan of Percy Jackson, or just casually passing by and happened to get interested. And I KNOW there is actually no canon, since these are stories that have been written thousands of times and were around for generations and generations long before that. But it breaks my little warmongering heart to see people that are genuine fans, and really into the characters and stories, and yet there is SO MUCH MORE they could know and don’t. Every time people talk about their Patroclus headcanon of him being a sweet cinnamon roll I want to yell at them: “Your headcanon is fantastic, and beautiful and sweet but DID YOU KNOW that in the Iliad Patroclus is actually the second strongest man of the Myrmidons and slaughters dozens of warriors before it takes FUCKING APOLLO’s intervention to stop him?”
There are so many other possibilities, so many other roads that the ancient tried while you know nothing about it. They were the first fanfiction writers, the first shippers, so you might as well lern from the best.
If after discovering that Homer’s Achilles was not exactly a feminine and delicate boy you decide you don’t like that, and that a pretty blond teen suits you better than a bloodthirsty warrior, I can very well respect that, and might even agree with you. But if you never read these masterpieces you’ll never know what you’re missing out on.

Okay, but if a writer shows you their writing - their work, don’t ever take it for granted.

I don’t care if it’s every day, every month, or if it’s every five fucking minutes.

If a writer shows you something they are working on, don’t question why their topics are always the same, don’t groan in frustration or judge the art before even reading it.

Do you know how difficult it is for a writer to show someone their work? To show someone their thoughts and feelings formulated into words?

It’s fucking hard.

We feel emotionally vulnerable in the moment it takes you to read whatever we’ve written.

We feel as though we are bearing a part of ourselves. A part that often goes unseen. It’s like we’re showing you a piece of our soul.

That’s intimate.

That’s a big fucking deal.

So if a writer shows you their work, or even considers it — it’s a sign that they trust you enough for you to see an emotional part of them.

Don’t take it for granted

Don’t fucking disregard or downplay how big a decision like this is. Because trust me, it only takes one bad reaction to change a writer’s mind. To change the way they view you. To break a once formed trust.

There’s a good chance you’ll spend the rest of your friendship or relationship with them trying to get them to reopen up, only to never have it happen again.

Once you shut them down, they will shut you out.

I’m gonna say this only once, so listen up.
Some people say that gertchase having sex was “too rushed”, but lemme remind you of some basics about fiction, and life in general. One: people can have sex any time they want; it’s not like people have to declare their love with a sonnet and some roses before having sex. Two: you clearly weren’t paying enough attention if you think those two don’t at least like each other. Three: even if you didn’t see those romantic feelings, that doesn’t mean they can’t casually hook up, it happens in very tv show. Four: there’s a whole 3 minute scene of Gert talking about her feelings towards him, and Chase looking at her like she’s the only star in the sky. Five: the background song clearly states that he’s always seen her - and he does admit it himself. Six: their making out scene is an explosion of passion, there’s a lot of tongue and touching, so sex really feels like the most natural consequence of it. Seven: Chase never liked karolina, he never even had a crush on her. It’s so obvious after episode 9: he was always around her because he believed Gert wasn’t interested in him, but that didn’t stop him from seeing her. Eight: if deanoru and gertchase had the same development (just a kiss in ep 9), wouldn’t it be boring to follow two very similar storylines? Nine: like Gert said, they’re teenagers, and teenagers hook up all the time. Don’t make it into that big of a deal when it is not.

I’ll never forget the moment I realized I loved you.

The feeling I felt could only be described as a high.

You know, the high you felt before you actually knew what getting high was.

Before you had drugs and problems.

Years have gone by, but I’ll never forget that night.

For so long I searched for that feeling at the bottom of a bottle.

For a while I tried anything that I thought would compare to that feeling.

But nothing has made me feel quite like that night.

That’s something nobody ever talks about with being high.

The low feeling afterwards.

The feeling that nothing will ever be as good as that moment.

So maybe I should thank you for showing me that high.

Or maybe I should hate you for making me feel so low.

Either way, I guess it doesn’t matter.

Because as much as I think about you, dream about you, or try to hate you… I always seem to end up in the same spot.


Missing you.

—  Maybe we were too young / SM

If an autistic person is in an emotional state and they ask for space, LET THEM HAVE IT. There have been times when I’ve been approaching a meltdown and I’ve said: “I’m feeling upset right now and would like some space”. Sometimes people have been like “absolutely, do what you need to do” (the right response) and then other times I’ve been bombarded with questions, called a brat, had my path blocked so I can’t leave, etc (the wrong response) and I end up approaching meltdown even quicker, and then I’m often forced to apologise afterwards for “causing a scene” or “creating an atmosphere” when I’m the one who asked for space in the first place.

Another thing, stop using terms like “tantrums” and “hissy fits” when referring to a meltdown. Terms like this imply that our behaviour is deliberate, which is not the case. We are having an uncontrollable response to a bad situation, and being scorned, mocked and called a “brat” or “drama queen” is only going to make it worse (if you do this sort of thing, then don’t you dare force them to apologise afterwards - you went out of your way to make the situation worse, so the apology needs to come from you, not them).

I just wanted to get this off my chest, because despite all the information the autistic community puts out there, people still choose to ignore us in favour of Neurotypical “experts” and we’re still being misrepresented and misunderstood as a result, and I’m sick of it.

Friendly Notes for Jumin Haters

It’s been over a year I played MM and even after that it seems people never get tired to talk about jumin as if he is the only sinner in RFA and the only character who has so many flaws and nothing good; hence he is a bad character and doesn’t deserve forgiveness so does his fans; they are the worst and the whole internet should know about this as if the whole world hasn’t already know about this. It’s been a year yet people still don’t get over it.

Jumin Han tag here on tumblr isn’t even a safe place for jumin and his fans because it always surrounded by hate posts, false accusations, DJHIG meme and people who disregarding his character. So I beg your respect to consider these things below:

It is OK to dislike/hate Jumin Han because he or his route made you feel uncomfortable and triggering your unpleasant experience for whatever reasons no one ever force you to like him or change your opinions; we just want your respect.

  • But it is NOT OK to call him an abuser when clearly he is not one of that. Just because the slightest of his behavior remind you of your abuser doesn’t necessarily means he is one of them. He was having a mental breakdown for mostly 1.5 days for the first time in 27 yrs of his life on his route. Making you feel uncomfortable wasn’t his intentions, that’s why he keep apologizing to you. He is inexperienced of expressing his emotions and he was anxious and insecure. He needs time to go back to being rational and logical jumin again and see after that he is changing and he certainly never do those things again. Is it what an abuser would do? NO!
  • It is NOT OK to spreading false accusations about him and make him looks like some kind of villain/criminal. I saw many people accused him of kidnapping MC when in fact it was not true. MC is consciously want to come to his penthouse and help him on her own will. No one force her into this, not even jumin himself.
  • It is NOT OK to always associate him with his Bad Ending traits/events; Bad Ending traits/events exist because the player encourage him to do so and make him believe it was the right thing to do. Keep pushing him doing bad things but never tell him what is right. That’s why it was called bad ends. It exist for a reason. The truest character’s traits will only show during the good route only (Good End/Normal End). Please don’t disregard his wonderful character development.
  • It is NOT OK to accuse us, jumin fans that we are an abuse apologist for liking jumin or we are ignoring his flaws or problematic behaviors because he is a male and he is so fckn attractive or the like. Also accused us for romanticizing his BE2 and call it was sexy cz this is so fckn wrong and insulting for us.
  • It is NOT OK to play victim and call us rude to make us looks bad yet you are the one who send anon hate and rude commentary in the first place and telling us to stop making positivity contents about jumin and keep coming back as anon to tell us how gross we are for even liking an abuser like him and goes 9763234581 ways to write how jumin is a bad character and how his route make you uncomfortable and even bring him down to level up your bias.
  • It is NOT OK to tag your jumin hate with “Jumin Han” tag and mention his name in the body post without being censored.
  • It is NOT OK to antagonize/attack people who started to like him with anon hate and your tons of bullshits just to seek your own validation and being rude with your insistence and keep coming back to them.

I think that’s all from me. If you want to be respected; please respect mine too. I don’t want any of this pointless discourse to continue in the future. Don’t you get tired already? I don’t know what your aim, but it’s been a year and you keep talking about his flaws endlessly. It’s not even a week since his birthday gdi. I just want peace and love jumin in peacefulness without someone telling me bullshits.

Notes:

I won’t respond to any kind of offensive/rude commentary. I hope people would take this with level-headed manner, if you disagree just keep it to yourself. I do my business, you do yours. Everyone has different opinions and point of views. I only demand your respect.

Thank you.

FUCK IT. Couldn’t help myself. Sit down boys and girls, your fairy clockmother is about to lay shit down.

Okay so I have seen the movie a few times and I definitely have some favorites moments with Pennywise (Duh). But this right here messes me up every time. Let’s pause and carefully watch as his head turns and is just about to set in place. That silly goofy “I’m playing with my food” smile is GONE. As first it’s all like a game. He crawls out of the fridge and is completely into his Pennywise the Dancing Clown character. As soon as his head spins to be sitting properly on his shoulders, there is something completely different for just a few seconds. A look of pure fucking evil. He knows this pathetic little human believes he is going to die. The kids arm is already snapped in half and yet he is STILL going slow and trying his hardest to amp that fear up. So to put it short. Even if Pennywise has 100000% advantage and will most definitely kill you like a weak animal, he will draw it out. He will make it hurt and fuck with your head just to make you more terrified. ANOTHER reason why I am adamant that Pennywise is not a good person. He is absolutely evil and top on the scumbag murderer list. He isn’t killing just for the meal, he wants to milk every bit of hope you have of living out of you until you are so terrified that you are immobilized. That look is proof enough that he is playing this game out to the fullest. Whether the players are willing participants or not.

Go educate some hoes. This lesson has ended.

I’ve decided to go on a rant, so for everyone’s sake I’ll make it short and honest.

1. The Voting Gauntlet on Fire Emblem Heroes IS a popularity contest. That’s the whole point of it, I have no idea what else you expected it to be. If you don’t like it, then don’t participate I guess? Delete FEH? Live your life?

2. No one cares how many Fire Emblem games you’ve played, or how many of the older games you beat. To be honest all anyone cares about are their favorite characters from the games. Even then, fans enjoy things for different reasons and no one is above anyone else.

Now this last one I know is going to make people mad, but it’s the truth.

3. Fire Emblem Awakening saved Fire Emblem. I don’t care if you like it or hate it, the simple fact is that if it weren’t for Awakening then FE wouldn’t be here today. We wouldn’t have a growing fanbase or 3 new games coming out this year. You don’t have to love it, but it does deserve respect.

So all I’m trying to get across is that no one should be shamed for which FE game they like. Or for which character they choose in the Voting Gauntlet. Or because they know less about FE than you. If this post makes you upset, I’m sorry that I’m not sorry, you’re turning this fanbase toxic.
/END RANT