personal problems

fic in which Hux dates Matt the Radar Technician, not knowing that he’s really Kylo Ren

and seeing Kylo’s face for the first time during their meeting with Snoke when Kylo is unmasked

and realizing he’s been dating his arch-nemesis all along

It’s so interesting to see how a media universe treats different types of brainwashing.

Hux was undoubtedly brainwashed through what we would consider more conventional means. At a minimum: exposure to radical thought, deprivation, isolation from other ideologies and peoples, propaganda, modified thoughts and behaviors to fall in line with what is acceptable. What Hux went through most certainly exists here on Earth and has happened to real people. 

But because Hux lives in a universe where more extreme forms of brainwashing exist (the Force’s ability to compel actions, whatever the stormtroopers went through, etc), what happened to him is considered lesser, is considered to not be good enough. Unlike Finn, who was brainwashed through the stormtrooper program and gets a pass for that, Hux’s childhood traumas are not good enough to justify any sort of rehabilitation or redemption. 

I am not making excuses for Hux, or trying to justify a redemption arc. I am certainly not arguing that Finn’s redemption was not deserved or that Hux deserves to be treated the same as Finn. 

But this is a larger trend that I find so fascinating. There are several other examples in media with these circumstances. A character being textbook brainwashed but that is ignored because another character’s trauma is more compelling, is more obscene, more out of the realm of the ordinary.

All three of the First Order’s triumvirate have been manipulated and brainwashed to some extent. And it will be so fascinating to see who, if anyone, will be offered a redemption.

Update: Please Help

I hate doing another one of these, especially since the last one got a lot of notes, but what happened today warrants my need to update you all.  

Many of you re-blogged this post from me where I told you my story and gave you my GoFundMe page. Thank you for doing so, the amount of notes is incredible. 

However, today (Dec 10) we had to take my father to the emergency room, as I explained before he lives in chronic pain and cannot function. Today, because of lack of money for pain medication, his blood pressure skyrocketed to an overwhelming 169/129, despite still being on the last remaining bits of blood pressure medication (he has about four days left of pills). He was barely able to speak, and on the verge of passing out, all because of his pain not being managed. 

I’m scared to think of what might have happened if that medication hadn’t been in his system, how much higher his BP may have been. 


I also told you before that his feet have been numb (absolutely no feeling) for about a month. 

I am frightened for my father, I am frightened for my mother, I am frightened about losing my home. 

Two of you lovely people were very generous and donated to my cause, I can’t thank you enough. Another 151 of you re-blogged to get the word out there, and I thank you so much. 

But please, if you can, please donate. Even $1 will do, it adds up if enough people are willing to donate. Please, help my family, I am not even concerned about myself anymore please help me help my parents. I am so grateful to the love and support the tumblr community has shown me. I am grateful to everyone who has read my story. I am especially grateful to the two lovely people who already donated. Thank you so much.

Late Night Thoughts #1

Some nights, I sort of feel trapped in my room. I feel like getting away from my roommates, going up to the roof and climbing up on the water tank and just lying back and looking at the sky. I want the chill of the night to clear my mind and wipe away the fog in my brain. There’s so much to think about and so much I want to talk about. I want to be alone, and yet, I simultaneously crave company, meaningful conversations and comfortable silences. Sometimes, this monotonous routine makes life seem meaningless, and it’s an overwhelming feeling. It sweeps over me in alternating waves of depression and nihilism. I like being alone, but I don’t want to be lonely. Sometimes, I can’t help feel like no one understands.

Being in my room is strangely suffocating. Having my laptop and internet connection is mind-numbing because despite enjoying it, all I do is waste my time on the internet and at the end of the day, I just feel like I’ve spent all that time and accomplished nothing substantial.

The thing is, I’m generally a happy person. I’m optimistic and cheerful and see the silver lining in most things, I don’t mind people so much and I have a very healthy and happy family life and good relationships with my peers. I don’t have the kind of problems some people have and for that I consider myself lucky and blessed. But these nights break me down, they really do. I flounder, not knowing what I’m doing or why I exist. It hits me somewhere in the soul and it’s not easy to recover from it. The worst part is not knowing why I’m feeling this way, when there seems to be no basis for it.