You know, when the producers of this event first called us, last night, I said, “It’s three in the morning! Who died?” And they explained that everything was fine, it’s just that they were planning a comedy event, and no women had agreed to show up. So I said, “What award is Jerry Lewis getting?” And they said, “No, no, it’s not Jerry Lewis. It’s Don Rickles.” So I said, “Oh, Don Rickles is the best. Amy and I would love to come to your event.” And they said, “Wait, how are we calling you and Amy in the same bed?” [I said] “Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t concern you.”
So here we are, because they thought it was important for Don to be honored by at least one woman, which, apparently, is what we count as.
Tina Fey is hilarious. She’s hilarious. She’s brilliant. I’m one of those guys - I’ll be honest, I’m sorry - who didn’t think women were that funny. And the first year we won our Screen Actor’s Guild Awards - the Screen Actor’s Guild awards are different from the Emmys because it’s banquet style seating; you’re sitting at the table and it’s forks and knives, so it’s more casual - and at every place setting there’s a name. So the first year we won - and this is the first time we won any of these awards, and I’m a dude from the Bronx; I’m born in the projects in the Bronx and I’m at the Screen Actors Guild Awards - so I’m sitting there and I see my name at the place setting next to Tina Fey. And I think it’s a mistake. So when they go and sit me down next to her, I’m feeling horrible. I’m feeling embarrassed ‘cause she has to sit next to me, of all these celebrities there. And I’m like, “Oh, Tina, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you gotta sit next to me with all these big stars around.” She said, “Dot Com, I asked for them to sit you here.” Really!
She was so cool like that. The whole show she would just engage me in conversation. And she’s hilarious - like, she’s snapping on everything. People don’t know this because she looks so peaceful, but this woman is heckling everything - she’s snapping on every celebrity that walks by. She’s not necessarily snapping, but she’s saying something funny. But she doesn’t talk loud, so if you’re not sitting right next to her, you’re not gonna hear it. So I’m sitting at this awards show and I’m amazed 'cause she is going in; she’s so sharp, so her stuff is really funny. And I’m sitting there like, “This chick is hilarious. Oh my goodness.”
So I had a real good time with her. She was real cool like that. Real giving. 'Cause you don’t have to do that. When you’re Tina Fey, you don’t have to share time with the young in status. You don’t have to share your time with them.