person: alex ovechkin

NHLers and the Olympics (hypothetical)

1/?

Alex Ovechkin goes to the Olympics. No one questions his many carry on bags, or why one looks suspiciously like Nicklas Backstrom.

The NHL is curious as to why Henrik Lundqvist has been playing so poorly for the Rangers during the time of the Olympics. Joel Lunqvist must be feeling off too..he called in sick to work all month. 

Carey Price builds a small wall in his net, then leaves and goes to the Olympics. No one notices the difference. 

Sidney Crosby wants to go to the Olympics but he does not want to let down the Penguins or break the rules. Fleury and Letang put melatonin in  Crosbys PB&J. He wakes up on the Plane next to to Jamie Benn. 

A displeased Jamie Benn is duck taped to a giggly Tyler Seguin. 

Brent Burns smuggles  Joe Pavelski to the Olympics in his beard. 

Shea Weber fires a fake slap shot. It fake hits Markov, Plekanec and Pacioretty. They are all out for the month  with fake and vague injuries. They get fake beards and go to the Olympics under fake names. 

Erik Karlsson is very handsome. He tells the league he is going to the Olympics, they are distracted by all the handsome and tell him its fine.

No one wants to have to tell Tuukka Rask he cant go to the Olympics, so no one does.

They’re calling it H-day. The H might stand for ‘hockey’ or ‘hell,’ you don’t really remember. You only remember the day you turned on your local sports network to hear that every player in the NHL has been transformed based on the names of their teams. The ramifications of this range from merely nominal to, frankly, off the walls ridiculous.

Montreal and Vancouver, out of all the NHL cities, have seen the least effects. Their team names mean ‘Canadians, except in French’ and ‘Canadians, except in slang,’ respectively, so aside from a few sudden citizenship acquisitions, their players have experienced no changes. Likewise, the Islanders are essentially the same. Some extent of memory alteration is speculated, but that’s all Deadspin anyway, so who really knows?

The other New York team, on the other hand, has developed a strange predilection for reckless behaviour in the name of ‘adventure.’ They’ve also taken to rolling twenty sided dice before taking action, which tends to really slow down a hockey game.

Los Angeles and Las Vegas have come to an unlikely alliance. The LA team had devolved into power struggles and succession crises, so Vegas offered proxy fighters to joust on each LA player’s behalf. However, with many Kings and only one Knight, the teams have been forced to wait until the expansion draft to actually settle the disputes. Until then, the main concern is keeping the Kings away from the armoury that has sprung up in Buffalo, as most hockey fans agree that beheadings would be taking hockey fights too far.

When the Detroit players sprouted wings — literal red wings — many expected the same from Philadelphia. However, the Flyers have become a different type of flyer, and their management is currently scrambling to find all their players, floating around the city on the wind (Toronto, too, is having similar issues; they simply didn’t have enough rakes in the equipment room when the whole debacle began). Of particular importance is one flyer advertising grilled cheese sandwiches, which must never, under any circumstances, be allowed to find its way to Pittsburgh. It might cross the path of a passing flightless bird, who could mistake it for food, or worse, recognize it as who it actually is.

Speaking of Pittsburgh, they, along with Anaheim, are reaping the benefits of being one of the few animal-named teams whose mascot is relatively docile and non-threatening. Arizona, Florida, Boston, San Jose, and Nashville have all had to call in experts in the zoology business to deal with the sudden influx of apex predators.

Speaking of predators, Chicago is gone. Just gone. They had the misfortune to have a home stretch lined up where they played Carolina, Colorado, and Tampa in succession, and now they’re gone. Instead, the city has been replaced by a replica of Washington DC that inexplicably speaks Russian instead of English, but is otherwise indistinguishable. Twenty other versions of Washington have cropped up over the country, most of which are Russian-speaking.

The St. Louis music scene and the Columbus fashion industry have each had a sudden boom, revitalized by new trends. They don’t have much to do with each other, but the two cities agree: blue sure is a cool colour.

The province of Alberta, on other hand, is not in such agreement. For their own safety, Edmonton and Calgary are attempting to keep as separate as possible for the time being. What is left of their players cannot be allowed to interact, lest they ignite the entire country.

New Jersey is also having some problems. Then again, when are they not?

The Minnesota practice rink is no longer fit for use; it has become, essentially, a very cold forest. It now attracts hockey fans and tourists, many of whom claim to be able to hear the voices of the players among the trees. Others merely say it seems like a nice way to get back to nature.

But when it comes to getting back to nature, Dallas has us all beat. They have returned to a state of matter pre-dating our own planet and ascended into the night sky. Attempts are being made to bring them back to Earth, as it is not possible to play hockey games against them if they are in outer space — only Winnipeg might have even a chance. Unfortunately, the mission to bring the Stars back has hit a snag lately; Jamie Benn just won’t go down.

A better commissioner than Gary Bettman

Sidney Crosby
Pros: rich and doesn’t care about making more money, stays away from drama.
Cons: too superstitious, doesn’t like the spotlight, running the NHL would take away from playing the game, refuses to wear shoes other than skates or crocs, Philadelphia is mysteriously left out of the schedule for the season, is found dead after choking on a mozzarella stick.

Jonathan Toews
Pros: smart guy, fair, doesn’t hold grudges, likes to teach people and take them under his wing, serious and stays on topic
Cons: would be too focused on promoting vegetables instead of hockey.

Auston Matthews
pros: mature, good candidate for making the sport of hockey more diverse.
cons: all of his clothes have rips in them. rappers everywhere will make rap songs about him and none of the players would take him seriously. Every team’s goal song is a rap song about Auston Matthews.

Phil Kessel
pros: nice guy, works hard, loves the game. A Stanley cup champion.
Cons: can’t deal with reporters.

Johnny Gaudreau
pros: went to college.
Cons: only eats skittles and Nutella and drinks bottled water. A bad influence on children.

Connor McDavid
Pros: smart, nice, good leader, respected, won’t blame you if you break his collar bone.
Cons: no one pays attention to what he’s saying because they can’t get over how fast and talented he is and the fact that he’s CONNOR MCDAVID. None of the announcers ever talk about the game. All they talk about is their beloved commissioner. They can’t get over how amazing he is.

Joe Thornton
pros: been in the game a long time. He loves to assist people. Loves it. Joseph Eric Thornton lives to serve.
Cons: grabs random guys’ beards to compare them to his. No one has a better beard than Jumbo. Children mistake him for Santa Claus and cry because he’s too skinny and they think he doesn’t eat their milk and cookies.

Tyler Seguin
pros: lots of females suddenly become huge fans of hockey.
Cons: always naked, giggles too much, spends too much time taking selfies, covers everything in pink glitter.

Jamie Benn
Pros: good leader, wants things fair for everyone Cons: spaces out too much. Gets rid of all the music in the arenas and replaces it with elevator music. Spends most of him time thinking about how to work an elevator. He only knows how to go up in them because he doesn’t go down.

Conclusion:
Carey Price takes care of boring, behind the scenes stuff. Alex Ovechkin is the front man. He talks to the press and promotes the league. Team North America comes back. Former Team Europe is split up by individual country, and Team Europe becomes 23 year olds and younger players from countries in Europe and Russia. Everyone is happy. The End.

  • Olympic announcer 1: sad to hear about Ovechkin's injury
  • Olympic announcer 2: me too, Tom, but he should only be out two weeks, the capitals are going to have to learn how to play without him.
  • Olympic announcer 1: on a completely unrelated note, down at the nice we see Team Russia's surprise pick for Alternate, from Moscow, Alexander Novechkin.
  • Olympic announcer 2: Yes, Novechkin is a virtually unheard of player for Team Russia but has definitely impressed the higher ups. Plus I hear his power play shot is the best in the world.
  • Olympic Announcer 1: yes keeping a player like him out of the olympics would just be unfair.
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