person thought

The skin that you are in is beautiful. You don’t have to be lighter. You don’t have to be darker. You don’t have to lose your scars. You don’t need to hide your stretch marks. You don’t need to wear make up unless you like it. There is no addendum or asterisk to that statement. The skin you are in is beautiful. Period. End of.
—  Nikita Gill, The Skin You Are In

Okay so in my school we have houses (like Harry potter: gryffindor and all that jazz) and I became a prefect of my house and one of the things they asked us to do was come up with a motto for our house. My bts obsessed ass suggested “team work makes the dream work” anD BITCH YOU BETTER BELIEVE THAT’S OUR NEW MOTTO LMAO

3

“For seven seasons now, Mulder and Scully have remained suspended in the intoxicating pre-kiss rapture that is the essence of story-book romance.”

- excerpts from “An X-Rated Kiss,” by Stephen Cole, front page story, The National Post (Canada), November 24, 1999.

Letter To The Girl Who Loves Me

I stopped. I stumbled. For a microsecond there -
When I was writing “Who Loves Me..” I stumbled. Because, 
it is difficult to believe in something that you did not believe
for so long. I did not believe that anyone could love me.
And deep down, all I really wanted was a chance to love someone. 
I was wrong. 

I spend too much time saying sorry because that is the default.
That is the Side A of my cassette that has been stuck in a loop, 
since I can remember thinking about the second voice 
in my head. And sometime, I can unspool it. Set it correct. 
Turn to Side B. And sometimes, I believe that’s where it will stay. 
I was wrong. 

It’s been 4 years now that I have tried to made sense of 
the puzzle-box called “my brain”. And I have gotten better at it.
I know when to not say the things that my head asks me to. 
I know where to stand. And when to hold. And how to say things,
that I am not sure are fully formed thoughts in my head. 
I was wrong. 

I have unspooled and then collected myself together many times.
So many times, that it feels un-natural at times to not unravel. 
To have good days and believe in us. And not doubt. To think that
I deserve the happiness that we have. In fleeting moments. 
To know that I am not deliberately sabotaging us. 
I was wrong. 

It is torture to watch you ask me for something I don’t know. 
Tell me what is happening inside your head” you said. I am 
good at words. Mostly. And this is when they decide to fail. 
I have no idea how to describe what is in my head. Without killing 
what is in my hand. You and me. A dream. 
I was wrong. 

I thought I am over the hump. I have the sunset. And I will
walk with you, to the bright side. I will be strong. 
I will let you love me. And understand your asks. Be gentle.
Be like someone you will want to love. But that is 
where I stumbled. I am not to try. I am. 
I was wrong. 

I am drowning today. And I don’t know how to ask for help. 
But I want help. This is worse than the times I did not, because
now I know what it feels to live. Die fighting. No hope was 
better, says my second voice. 
It was wrong. 

I will survive. Stay. I don’t know how to ask for help. 
But I am asking you to stay. Just a bit longer, till
I can win another bout. I know not when the battle ends. 
But I can win most bouts and lose some, I ask you
to wait till the end bell. And we will see if, 
I am right. 

I took everyone’s advice and took an actual break for the last 10 days or so. It’s been wonderful and I feel so much better. With that said, there were some things I went through that I wish I’d known before I left my abusive relationship and I want to share them in case it’s useful at all for anyone.

This might be my last post on my own experience, but it definitely won’t be the last time it’ll appear on my blog. For months now a lot of brave people have shared their experiences and it’s been inspiring and enlightening. I want to do my part to keep providing that listening ear because such amazing people have done the same for me and have given me the strength to move forward.

What I learned after the breakup is that returning the big things, changing all my passwords, and living life without my ex was the easy part. A lot of other things make it more complicated, though.

First, abuse takes many forms, and there’s no shame in the word. We’re most familiar with media portrayals of an abusive romantic relationship, but it can just as easily happen with parents, friends, and coworkers. A lot of people who weren’t my family or close friends were really shocked I was no longer in that relationship because my ex seemed like such a nice and generous person. He is. But it doesn’t change the fact that he was also controlling, emotionally manipulative, and regularly threatened me when he didn’t get his way. Despite saying I wanted to be open about my experiences, it was very hard to use the “a-word” because it seemed to put such a harsh and heavy label on someone, whose actions described as “abuse” were very private and unknown. But I’m trying. Because abuse takes many forms and it took me a while to even want to classify my own experiences as abuse. But the fear whenever I’d see a missed call after class or the pounding in my chest and dizziness when I’d talked to another person, not my ex, and having him find out was real. From being unable to change my profile pictures on social media (to those not of “us”) to being forbidden to pursue further studies in another country to being told I couldn’t live with my family anymore, was real. Being made to feel guilty and like a “lead-on” for rejecting physical advances I was clearly not comfortable with, with action to the contrary of any of the stated being equivalent to my ex’s suicide, was indeed abusive behaviour. And I’d known all of it was wrong, but I kept pushing aside my decision to leave. Aside from drowning myself in work, a big factor was that I didn’t want to look like an idiot.

That’s the next point. There’s so much stigma against people who’ve left an abusive relationship. A lot of family and friends who didn’t hear the story as it developed kept telling me not to go back to that relationship (without first hearing my particular situation), because the dominant narrative of abuse is that the vulnerable party continues to go back to the relationship. People put up with abuse for a lot of reasons, emotional dependency included. But the word “abuse” is laden with that particular narrative. Moreover, after hearing my side, the next (almost painful) thing I’m told is that I was a fool, stupid, or an idiot for putting up with it. My being put together, breaking up being a calculated and thought-out decision, factored in to their thinking that I was dumb for not seeing the warning signs that they obviously saw from my telling of the tale alone. Again, a lot of reasons for not leaving when the signs came up because my ex really was nice in all the conventional ways. Most of the time it seemed as though the good times outweighed the bad. It took reflection and introspection over a few months for me to conclude it was a pattern of abusive behaviour amid all our many interactions. That I felt I had to justify myself for calling the behaviour abusive also means that I had to present that pattern and that narrative that made it obvious. 

Things were made more complicated because I still see my ex on campus, and sometimes have to work with him. He still tries to contact me outside of work and since then has been leaving me emotionally hurtful and angry messages, then suddenly messages about his sadness and loneliness and saying how much he cares. It’s the same kind of emotional yoyo that I’ve been on during the relationship, only now I’m not bound in any way to appease it. It’s been difficult, because I really don’t want to talk to my ex, or interact in any way, but I’m trying to be polite. I graduate in half a year and I can definitively do that then. Again, human circumstances can be complicated.

I have no idea if this helps anyone who is planing to leave or has just left an abusive relationship. But I want to end on the note that even though a lot of people haven’t made it too easy for me since I left, I am so much happier now than I used to be– and people have told me so. I am in such a better place and I can think about my future and my own goals without a dark cloud hanging over me. I guess there aren’t as many stories about what happens after one leaves (and has no residual feelings about staying), as there are about the brave individuals who decide to leave. I hope that this one helps.

And as always, if you’re dealing with anything stressful or you just want to share send/ask me anything :)

Guys… Legit.

Please let’s not fight. Let’s not fight over the Series. Please, PLEASE. I am begging you to give the show a CHANCE *before* you pass judgement.

This isn’t about hating or whatever thing you want to do. This Series NEEDS all the positivity it can get.

You guys, girls. there is a show creator follows our blogs. He could link shit to the other team… fuck, you want Ryan to glance a 2 second tweet hating on Hiro getting a love interest? No. No I dont think so.

And thats besides the point.

This famdom is based on love and acceptance.

Im not siding with anyone or calling out. Cause I dont even know *who* is hating.

Im not going to tell anyone what to do or how to think, because you are entilted to your thoughts and feelings.

However, this is place is a safe haven from a hard world out there. So please, just think before you post.

Thank you.

Mini update

Hello there. It me. I’m quietly hanging out here still trying to figure my stuff out, like we all are I guess.

Work has gotten much better lately. Remember all that extra work I had been doing that was someone else’s responsibility? I suppose in hindsight I handled it and myself well because I worked my way into becoming the head of a new department that I’ll help develop. 😳 How cool is that! Val, head of the new financial intelligence unit. Ya don’t say. I’m excited man! I’ve been in this department just over a year. I wouldn’t have guessed this would all happen so quickly but I will sure take it.

With new and growing responsibilities at work, I’m feeling even more like I need to take better care of myself – finally grow up and adult more. I take care of everything and everyone else and then kinda do so-so with myself and my health. It’s time to change that. Also I would really love my pants to fit again. That would be lovely.

Otherwise things are going well for me. I’m happy. We’ll hopefully get out on the boat this weekend. I’ll be back here and posting more often soon enough. I miss it.

Happy Friday!

It would seem that 8 years ago me reeeeeally set present day me up for success….

anonymous asked:

Do you have any pets? Love youuu xx

No, I want to have a cat but my family don’t want to have pets ;__; I love you too ♥

I’ve always wanted to learn how to play piano, but I’ve never actually had piano classes or anything like that ^^ so I guess I would say that it’s my favorite instrument?

just a quick question bc i am procrastinating uni work as always

do you guys/did you guys like when i used wordpress? would you be into it if i picked that back up + wrote more posts? about lifestyle + life updates + tips and tricks and stuff?

or alternatively would you prefer/would you be interested in me having a more general blogger type tumblr page that i use like a wordpress but just on tumblr (which is more accessible i guess idk)?

I didn’t realize that we were trending today guys! A bit late but nice. I’m glad that the popularity of figure skating is slowly gaining speed as we approach the Olympics, which is always a prime time for new fans to gain interest in the beautiful sport. It’s great to see this sport feeling some love under the spotlight :)