person thought

fp:
me: i’m bad for u, i will break your heart. you should stay away from me. i’m trouble. you deserve someone better. leave me. i will hurt you.
fp:
me: nnnNNOO IM SORRY DONT LEAVE I LOVE YOU YOURE EVERYTHING TO ME IF YOU LEAVE ME ILL BREAK PLSEASE
fp:
me: lol i’m kidding u can leave if u want haha or like i’d rather u not but it’s up to you lol i’m not abusive or manipulative i promise haha u can do :))))) whatever :)))) u :)))) want :))))

I hate when my mom and mom’s in general uses the “I’m your mother so you HAVE to respect and obey me” like no respect isn’t something I give away freely, if you want my respect then you have to Earn it and actually show me some respect too. just because ur my mom doesn’t mean I’m automatically going to respect you!! especially if ur emotionally abusive and disrespectful to me!!

9

910 // A whole bunch of nothing

Been trying to keep a detailed theme with my IG account and it’s been a hell-ish moment for me to be honest. Because been wanting to keep a cool aesthetic worthy post for an eye clean sight whenever so. Eh? Can’t even tell if i’m doing it right.

Trying to find a balance between my social and personal life has always been messy. Like i can be cool on the internet and not so cool out of the internet. Or i can be totally crazy and spontaneous off the net and boring and dull on the line. Where should i set boundaries? How to draw the line? Pfft.

My thoughts are all over the place as time passes, and why do i feel like my memory’s too clog these days that i couldn’t even process newer or fresher ideas and information to retain, for good future purposes—yes. I’m feeling craaazy and out of place. Like how am i going to deal with this nuisance?

Ugh. This is just one of those mornings where questions are all lined up running towards me than safe answers.

On insecurities

So, last night I had another date with the Taiwanese guy. I got to learn a lot about him and he did with me. One of our topics we talked about were insecurities. He told me about his past relationships that were a lot of “sad” experiences and I told him about my past whatever you wanna call them and how they were “bad” experiences.  The common theme of our discussion last night was insecurities.  So, I asked him what is his biggest insecurity with me. He said he had two. A man has never expressed or shown insecurities towards me so I was very shocked to learn how he felt. One of his insecurities is that he believes I have such a colorful life, traveled the world, seen so much, adventurous and always looking for something new and exciting. He says that I am very cultured, and because of this he feels that I may find him very boring because all he is doing now is a PhD and I could find someone more like me who travels and shares similar life experiences. Which then led to his next insecurity, which was influenced by his ex-girlfriends but he felt that he may not be attractive enough, or good enough, and that I would always look for a man who may be better than him and then lose interest in him once I found someone who was better than him. 

I completely understand where he is coming from. I come off as a very confident woman but I have so many insecurities that I hide well. He doesn’t know that I don’t see myself the way he sees me. I don’t believe I can find a good man. I believe I can find a man I am attracted to superficially, but in the end that man would always be bad for me. I didn’t tell him this though, because I am ashamed of my past choices of men. 

But, I also told him my insecurities I have towards him. I told him I am afraid that I cannot stimulate his mind and he will become bored of me. He is a very intelligent man. He’s always thinking and analyzing and using theories. I guess that’s what happens when you spend all your time doing research on economic theory. But, I told him that because his future is in Academia and he his goal is to become a professor, I feel that I would not be compatible with him because I don’t share the same level of intelligence as him. I am still finding out what I want in life and what my career goals are, where he knows his. I feel that I am not good enough for him because of his educational goals. I didn’t bring up my self-image insecurities yet. I think this is a topic for later, but it is something I have dealt with my whole life. I am not ready to talk about my body image to him yet though. 

Anyways, He told me that he doesn’t consider these thoughts when he is dating someone. He said that my insecurities is the first time anyone has ever brought it up. He has assured me that what he likes about me is my confidence. 

I am really happy we both opened up about our insecurities. We both said that we would work on these and make each other feel more secure. We both agreed that we would like to see each other again and continue going on dates and see where it will lead to. I won’t see him for another two weeks because he will be preparing for a big presentation. But, I will take these two weeks and reflect on other things I value and want in a healthy relationship. Who knows if this will lead to one, but it’s good to think about that.

Random

Minsan sinasabi ko sa sarili ko: “Hay naku cj, magsasawa ka rin dyan sa mga naiisip at nararamdaman mo.”  kasi diba? wala namang permanente sa mundo, lahat nag-babago kaya kung ano man yung mga problema “nanaman” na pumapasok sa isip ko, alam ko lilipas rin. Saka expected ko naman na mag-babago rin ang pananaw ko sa mga susunod na araw. Kailangan ko lang talagang MAS lawakan pa yung pag-iisip ko para atleast MAS maiintindihan ko at higit sa lahat importanteng tandaan kung bakit ko ginusto ‘to para hindi mawala yung focus ko. Minsan lang talaga ang daming bagay na nakaka upset at nakaka disappoint. Pero ganun talaga, kailangan ko lang sigurong masanay kahit na madalas hindi katanggap tanggap yung mga rason. 

Misguided Ghosts

It’s 9:02 on my clock. My mind is traveling far away again. Outside it is dark, the moon is obscured by dark patches of clouds. The sky is devoid of any star. The world is silent.

Inside of my mind, though, is a steady clamor of ideas and wishful thinking and memories. They all fall into one story–twisting reality to fantasy, defying truth and telling lies.

And then everything starts. My mind hovers around the atmosphere, watching me sitting and typing, watching my parents and my younger brothers sleeping, watching the whole world moving. It’s then I realize how we are merely misguided ghosts. We are unaware of the true battle in the shadows. We are oblivious of the cruelty destroying the peace. We are too absorbed in our own little worlds, trying to fit perfectly into place with everybody else.

Are we really supposed to blend in? Weren’t we supposed to stand out?

My mind, satisfied of the night’s sojourn, travels back to my body and returns.

It’s 9:11 on my clock.

Do not take your health for granted. Take good care of your body. Your body that is made out of flesh and blood is the dwelling place of your soul. It is a sacred temple that requires daily worshipping. By nurturing your body, you are also nurturing your soul on the inside. It doesn’t matter what shape Nature granted you, because she clearly meant for you to feel wonderful and happy. With the essence of the stars Mother Nature created you with great love and care only for you to feel good in your own skin.

Wrong time:

I had to resolve the unorganised chaos that was floating around my mind. My thoughts were those of someone who’d been addicted to a substance. I’d been cut short of the poison that I was once addicted to and was with drawing from that association. The medication that calmed me at my worst and got my heart racing at my best. Like any addict, I had to have my detox and battle the fixation that I’d been so swept in. 

Right Person:

You were the rainbow through the rainy clouds. The glimmer of hope that saved me from falling in to the dark hole that was calling my name. I couldn’t tell you, but you were the arm that I grabbed on to when I was drowning. You saved me from my demons.

—  Things That Should Stay In My Brain