perfect mr. grey

50 Shades Darker Resonated

Saw the movie all by myself last night. And I mean….on a Monday night was really the only one in the theater. Yes, the thought crossed my mind to masturbate. No, I did not & refrained. Nor have I still. Might need to soon. Lol

The acting is less than to be desired to me still. However, I see a bit of reality in it. I’m not talking about the fantasy rich guy & perfect bodies.

One, Mr. Grey makes an important admission that shows how deeply flawed he is. In recognizing his flaws, but finding he truly loves Anastasia, he begins to make serious compromises, mostly to become a better man. In doing so, as they reengage in their relationship with very new terms, Ana begins to open up more & shows initiative & desire to explore more with cravings she has yet to come to truly understand. She’s more fucked up than she yet knows. Its not all Mr. Grey.

Now that I have had my own unique experience actively exploring with my first & only Dom (we are no longer in a D\s relationship) I’ve come to understand how we each have our own unique desires, kinks and needs individually. Generally speaking, when we become a couple, those individual traits are merged, negotiated and modified to create a mutually desired & satisfying environment. Thus creating a very unique experience. None of us fitting that of another couple. Therefore, is 50 Shades darker completely unrealistic as so many say it is? The fantasy of it certainly is far out of my reach. I’m not a virgin and I am a willing sub (to the right Dom), I am not accidently falling into the lap of a wealthy Dom or one that mutually loves me.

But I noticed realitistic sexual acts (I haven’t even had a spreader bar applied to me yet, but want to be restrained in such ways someday, my prior Dom teased me, but never applied it). I noticed how terms changed based off emotions, and how Mr. Grey is simply just a man, not even great at being a Dom. No Dom or sub are perfect & we all have a little shade(s) of fucked up.

My own prior experience was great (still seeing him as able, but no longer owned by him), and due to his own reality, time constraints & my emotional bond (not mutual), many terms changed. Many dynamics done away with. Oh, but how I still crave for better. For more. For Him. His shades of fucked up, are more to do with emotionally sustaining from me when apart. Mine are being emotionally bonded to him, no matter if apart or together. I’m fucked, and knew it early on.

Of course this may end even more so, as it is our unlabeled dynamics are not sustaining for a fullfiling & deeper relationship. Its casual & than at times unspoken, but deeper. It is toxic in its own way. But not to be disgaurded completely or thrown away as nothing else determintal has come between us, but reality, time limitations & obligations. We have not made willful mistakes against each other. A great deal of mutual respect exists.

I’m truly involved in my own 50 shades of fucked up. But do I run? Do I hate it? No. Can I change him? Can he change me? No.

We change when we want to, when were individually ready. Our changes may still be together in the future or they may be not together & we will love others. Who knows. All I know today, is I still find comfort in his arms, his words (when with him) and giving my body to him.
And no matter his time constraints, due to the level of physical affection & how he applies it so generously when he has me in his arms, I know he cares for me deeply. That is all I know right now. With confidence. Very little acts correlated to BDSM are conducted. Its to hard on me emotionally to continue to fully submit to him at this time. He is giving me that space I need now.

The limitations I am experiencing are also still teaching me very valuable lessons. In the fantasy movie, I see 2 people learning from mistakes, learning lessons, changing when willing, still in love despite the prior toxicity, recognizing that toxicity & deciding to push past it & improve. I see 2 people exploring 2 very foreign aspects to them each. I see 2 people redefining what most the BDSM community defines as their normal. I see none of us meets any ‘normal’ definition of someone’s else.

Most of what we all want, is to find happiness in sharing our desires with another individual we connected with somehow.

I liked the the movie, simply because it resonates to me. I also liked it as it inspires hope in me. Hope to find that kind of mutual love & adoration, and I personally love the idea of ownership (I think, Ana secretly does, but is still very unaware of her desire to be owned), I was once very unaware too. Of course this movie looks toxic to the very experienced in the BDSM community. But have you forgotten what it was like to just coming around to the idea of the lifestyle whether you are into it 24\7 or into it at convienent opportunities? I’m still barely awake myself to the whole concept. I’ve only just recently learned, that for me, I cannot shut off the emotional connection giving myself over in that way & what it causes me. For me, I need it to become intertwined in a mutually loving relationship. If I am not loved, even if I’m treated with such respect, I pull back as a submissive. For me, to share BDSM acts of any kind, I must know I am loved in return. I’m to much a romantic still. I also do not want a strictly vanilla relationship ever again. So, love alone will not sustain me either. Ever again.

Of course there are priority elements I have not highlighted. Absolute trust, respect, comfort & sincere friendship at the top.

Again, the movie resonated with me. We can’t all be in perfect D\s relationships. We just keep looking, waiting or mutually improve upon what we might already have.

Courage is our most needed tool.


Humm…They are Lovely Together :) Perfect…

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