people will probably skin me for this

4

I wish this guy was just a strawman to prove a point, but unfortunately he’s not. I’ve had this conversation over and over with the same damn people.

Having PCOS is probably one of the most frustrating parts of my life because people, male and female, doesn’t understand that being overweight is part of the illness, and being overweight is such a stigmatized thing in our society that everybody think they know what’s wrong with me and feel a need to tell me how to fix it. And to make it worse, PCOS is a bit different from person to person, so some PCOS patients might not be overweight but suffer from oily, spotted or miscolord skin for example, so if someone knows another person with PCOS they might say “The other person I know isn’t overweight, so…”

Just in case anyone wants to try me today.

This isn’t “overreacting” or “making a big deal out of nothing” this is a genuine problem and I’m tired of skinny people deciding what is and isn’t offensive to fat people. White people don’t get to declare what is racist, Straight people don’t get to decide what is homophobic, and Cis people don’t get to decide what is transphobic.

So, that being said, your skinny idealized-by-society selves do not get to decide when fat people are experiencing fatphobia.

My entire god damn life has been a fat joke, I would walk down halls and people would make jokes like “fatty want a donut” and while waiting outside the classroom for the teacher to show up would say “try not to eat us.”

I watch shows, listen to music, read comics and books to escape; not to see one of the very few characters representing me to be subjected to the same fucking stereotype placed upon me by society.

The stereotype that; because I’m fat my only motivation, my only goal, and my only desire in life, is food. That my only passion is to cook. That my only source of happiness comes from eating.

And it’s fucking upsetting, and even more so when it’s brushed off as not being an issue.

Skinny characters get multifacted personalities. The jokester who is self-conscious. The reserved loner who has a temper but is actually vulnerable and going through an identity crisis and experiences racism. The geek who is seen as calculated and a walking wikipedia but actually has feelings and is missing their loved ones and learns what true friendship is. The delicate princess that is so dainty and light yet embraces those things and learns to fight and kill a man with her bare hands if she so desired.

But what do fat people get?

Either tall hulking brute that is overly agressive and overpowered. Or the super soft and squishy fat guy that loves everyone and is obsessed with food. Maybe, just maybe, sometimes we will get the tolerable asshole who makes dick jokes and is overly cocky but secretly kind (90% of the time they’re gamers).

So to see a character that could also have a family he misses, or has lost. A character that could also relate with racial issues. A character motivated by his teamates, that used to be nauseous just riding in his lion that now blows up ships just for tailgaiting and is strong enough to probably carry multiple people by himself, that would sacrifice himself in a heartbeat to save a stranger let alone those he loves…

Boiled down to a shitty joke where he frantically chases the smell of a pie to get to the center of a maze as motivation.

Makes me want to fucking cry, because my one safe space, my one escape; is using the same type of shitty jokes that kids used while shoving me in locker rooms and snapping rubber bands against my skin in class.

Though I’m so sorry for “over reacting” and inconveniencing you.

I’m so sorry for speaking out about a character that you don’t care about.

But more than anything, I’m sorry that you’re truly that heartless to tell hundreds of people who are being genuinely hurt to basically “get over it.”

In case you missed issues B.A.P WAKE ME UP MV has touched on pt 2 cuz im trash and have been wheezing/crying the whole day fight me

Insecurities + Low Self Esteem/self-worth: shown through the girl with makeup around her and she soon tries to apply lipstick, only ending up smashing the mirror.
Murder/Shootings: The man waving his arms around as if conducting a musical piece until lights spark at his fingertips (like gunshots being fired) and then people dead surround him.
Anxiety/Depression/Mental Illness: The man in the bathroom, coiled up by the bathtub as he looks at his surroundings afraid of something, only to submerge himself into the water in his bathtub.
Illness in General/Suicidal thoughts or attempts: The girl who drinks down those pills as well as some other type of liquid can represent either illness in a physical aspect or portrays the attempt to suicide.
Eating Disorders/Hallucinations: The scene with the woman chopping veggies can allude to two different interpretations. Hallucinations as she almost eats a worm or it is the symbolic representation to express eating disorder.
Societal/Political Issues: The probably most iconic scene where the man is holding up a sign “Emotion Revolution”. This is representative of public demonstrations we see on the news today to fight for equal rights and social justice. The people passing by as if its nothing represent those who are unaware of the issues that surround them.
Revolution is starting to be achieved when these people who went through their own respective life problems come together to help ‘spread the awareness’. I guess you can say they, “wake up” into new ‘selves’, represented through celebration towards the end of the MV.

This isn’t even it. The MV is very diverse in nationality and they haven’t placed labels/stereotypical roles on these people according to the colour of their skin or where they came from. Each and every person was given a role that any human being would go through in their life because every human being is a human being despite race, colour, place of birth, gender, etc.

Not only did B.A.P create a song concerning social justice but they went even deeper this time. They went into mental illness, problems that we have as individuals at a personal level rather than just ‘society’ as a group. They looked into people in their variety and represented it through WAKE ME UP MV.

B.A.P aren’t just ‘kpop idols’. You probably thought I’d say “they don’t fit in the kpop category anymore.” No. This is something far bigger than just the music industry.

Da, da, da, daaaaaaaa…… that’s a little more dramatic than I had intended. I love all these wonderful Sai tutorials that get posted on here but I haven’t seen much attention payed to Sai’s Lineart tool which I can’t get enough of. I’m sure there probably are Lineart Layer tutorials out there - I just haven’t come across one so I’m just adding to the pile. The Lineart tool is so awesome it deserves any number of tutorials anyway. It’s so easy to use, it saves me so much time, and it offers so much control which I really love. Honestly, the tool is so easy to use that this is less of a tutorial and more of just a general encouragement to just whip it out and start playing with it. Yeah. So say we start with a simple line like this swirly-wirly thingy that I drew with the marker tool. Well, the first step would be to create a linework layer by clicking the linework layer button.

There we go. Now, a lineart layer in Sai is different from any other regular layer in Sai and it will bring up a completely new range of tools. I’m gonna briefly go through them but the best way to understand exactly what each does is to just try them out for yourself. There’s no substitute for experience or however the saying goes.

  • Pen - This is your freehand lineart tool and to best honest I don’t really use it that often. That’s just me personally. I have an expensive gaming rig that has all sorts of magic running under the hood but we all know that Sai’s memory management is pretty crappy and I don’t need the lag or crashes that come with this tool when working at a high DPI. You may have a different, entirely pleasant experience with this particular tool but for me, if I’m doing freehand inking, I’d much rather just use the regular Pencil tool.
  • Eraser - Kinda speaks for itself.
  • Weight - This one I do love. Say you’ve drawn a line - or a path as Sai calls it. With this tool you can adjust the thickness of the particular line by simply selecting the brush size and then clicking on the line.
  • Color - Same as Weight. Simply select your desired colour and then select the desired line you’d like to change. Very useful. For the aesthetic.
  • Edit - This one comes with its own subset of mini-tools that I’ll get into in a moment. But this is definitely a useful tool - for me it’s probably the most useful.
  • Pressure - This is the one that adds the character to your linework. I’ll explain further below.
  • SelPen - A selection tool. Pretty standard. Since the Lineart layer works in ‘Anchor’ points (which again, I’ll get in to further down below) I don’t really use this one.
  • SelErs - Selection Erase. Goes hand in hand with the SelPen. I can’t say that I personally use this one  much.
  • Curve & Line - The Curve and the Line tools are the cornerstones of the Linework layer. I’m explain both further down.

The Edit tool, as I mentioned, brings up its own list of sub-tools. And they definitely have their uses. Again, it’s best to play around with them to truly get a grasp of what they do but I’ll just run through them quickly before I get on with the main tutorial.

  • Select - For selecting anchor points of paths. Honestly, I don’t really use this one too much simply because hovering over a point or path and clicking will select it.
  • Move/Add - Now this one I use a lot. Moving an anchor will affect the curvature of your line if you’ve used the ‘Curve’ tool, or you can add curves to a straight line by clicking and dragging in between anchor points.
  • Delete CP/Curve - Kinda speaks for itself. It will delete an achor point in your line. Sometimes this can be useful for making your curves rounder if you’ve added too many points to it.
  • Deform Path - Again, kinda self explanatory. It will warp your line. I don’t really use this one myself but that’s not to say that it couldn’t have its uses.
  • Deform Anchor - See above.
  • Move Path - Instead of moving just an anchor or adjusting the curvature of your line you can move the entire line at once. Can be useful.
  • Duplicate Path - Does exactly what it says - creates a copy of your line. Haven’t found much use for this simply because I don’t particularly like copy/paste stuff in linework. Faults or differences add character.
  • Delete Path - deletes a line you’ve drawn independently of other lines on your linework layer. Can be useful as well.
  • Connect CPs - This is difficult to explain the benefits of. It’s one that should be experimented with. It basically joins lines together. I use it quite often. Just pick this option and drag from one anchor point to another to join them.
  • Pointed/Rounded - See the diagram below for this one. I find it very useful.

As you can see I used the Curve tool to draw a simple curve (left) and then I used the Pointed/Rounded tool to convert the curve into a point (right) by selecting the tool and then clicking on the anchor point at the height of the curve. I find it very useful. Anyway, back to our swirly-wirly thingy.

Because our swirly-wirly thingy is basically one long curve, I simply select the curve tool and start clicking. Starting at the centre point on one end, I click to add anchor points as I trace the shape of the object. Each point adjusts the curvature from the last point. It’s kinda hard to explain verbally or even visually but try it out and you’ll quickly see how it works.

Once I have a line over whatever I’m inking done I like to adjust the weight to suit my preferences. I like to work with thicker lines because they give more room to play around with weight. So to adjust the weight you click on the Weight tool, select a brush size and then click on your line. If only it were that simple in life.

Once I have a good weight selected I move on to the Pressure tool. The pressure tool gives you two options. Pressure for width and pressure for density. Width is like controlling the weight of the line at individual points and density controls the transparency. I don’t usually use the density option. As with traditional inking I prefer to denote depth, shadow, etc. with weight as you can see in the image above. To adjust the pressure, simply select the pressure tool and then select an anchor point. Click, hold and drag to the left to make the line thinner of more transparent and to the right to make the line thicker and more dense. As you drag, a percentage will appear over the anchor point you’ve selected. This can be useful for keeping things consistent.

That’s all well and good for curved lines but what about straight lines? That’s where the line tool comes in. It works exactly the same way except it won’t add a curvature to your anchor pints. Still very useful though. Especially when combined with the Weight and Pressure tools.

Here’s an example of one my drawings. It’s Dark Empress Kitana from Mortal Kombat. The one in red is the pencils which if converted to black would probably make a pretty good linework layer. I’m a firm believer in taking the time to clean up your sketch/pencils layer because it will dictate your entire drawing. The one below in black was done using Sai’s linework layer feature. Although not entirely.

As much as I love Sai’s linework layer, it can look a little too clean which is not great when you’re drawing people. Although, it’s all art so it’s all up to personal preferences and personal style. There’s no wrong way to do it. For me though, I prefer to do skin, facial features, hair, etc. by hand using Sai’s Pencil tool on a normal layer and reserve the Linework Layer for architecture, clothing or any non-organic substances. I inked Kitana’s eyes and eyebrows freehand ( or as freehand as you can be with Sai’s amazing stabilisers) but everything else such as her armour or her fan weapon thingy was done using the Curve and Line tools on the Linework Layer.

I hope this tutorial has been useful. Or if not useful - then at least encouring to try out Sai’s linework layer. It’s such a robust feature that I don’t see get much attention and I can’t even begin to describe how much time it saves me or how much I adore it. If you have any questions (because I’m well aware how unsuited I am to writing tutorials - this is so damn rambly - sorry!) then feel free to drop me an ask here at keithbyrneart.

P.S, sorry about my handwriting in the stills. It’s gotten a lot messier these days.

Microaggressions in Fiction

When authors write about experiences that are not their own, particularly when these experiences involve a marginalized community, they may feel apprehensive, afraid, or anxious about the backlash they might receive if they do something wrong, which there is a 99.9% chance that they will. Here, I will outline some microaggressions that I notice when reading, each relating to anti-blackness and misogyny (as well as misogynoir, which is a combination of the two), as those are microaggressions that I face myself. If anybody has anymore to add, or would like to add some not related to anti-blackness or misogyny, feel free!

1. Comparing our skin to food. (coffee, toffee, caramel, chocolate, etc.)

2. Getting AAVE wrong. My degree is in linguistics, and although I am by no means an expert, I do speak a variant of that particular dialect, and can discern when it is being used improperly. Perceptions of Black English speech patterns are very racialized and politicized, and it annoys me when someone (probably white lbr) throws words that they’ve heard Black people say into a sentence without considering if this would be generated by the grammar of that dialect. If you have questions regarding a particular dialect, speak to someone who speaks it. Say your dialogue out loud to them and ask if that sounds grammatical.

3. The “Black Girl Best Friend” trope. We are not born sidekicks. We are not all sassy walking stereotypes. Some of us do embody stereotypes about Black women, and that’s perfectly fine! But do not stuff your Black girl character with stereotypes and call them character traits. Additionally, do not write your Black Girl Best Friend characters so that she is only there to uphold your white protagonist and step in when they need her. (Think Bonnie from The Vampire Diaries)

4. Hypermasculine, hypersexual Black men characters. Just don’t do it. This stereotype is harmful and contributes to a wider fear and distrust of Black men and black bodies.

5. The Magical Negro. We are not here to provide your protagonist with sage wisdom or solemn advice 

6. Colorism/”Palatable Blackness,” LISTEN. If your Black characters all look like Zendaya or Jesse Williams and have curly or wavy, rather than kinky hair? You might wanna consider the colorism ingrained in that choice, fam.

7. Not knowing how kinky hair behaves. This is related, kind of, to the above. Watch some natural hair videos or summn before deciding what hairstyle you want your black character to have, because kinky and coily hair behaves VERY differently from straight and wavy hair, and that should be considered when writing scenes.

PLEASE INCLUDE DISABLED PEOPLE IN YOUR ACTIVISM.

(note: I’m not gonna talk about Trump mocking Serge Kovaleski primarily b/c Kovaleski does not ID as disabled and does not want to be used as a political talking point. Which is fair.  yes, it was awful. no, you don’t get brownie points for agreeing with me that it was awful. Disabled people have evolved to have thick skin, and a politician mocking us is not new or unsurprising. this list will deal with policy and specific issues facing the broader disability, autistic, d/Deaf//HoH, and neurodivergent communities.)

(other note: I generally use adjective-first language but I probably also used person-first language in here somewhere. I personally prefer to use the former for myself but I respect that other people in this community use different language.)

-the federal site for IDEA has been taken down

-all mentions of disability rights have been deleted from the website

-betsy devos had no idea what the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act was when asked and stated that standards for accommodations in education should be left up to the state (this is a TERRIBLE idea)

-if Obamacare is repealed, we have the most to lose. Most of us will not be able to afford medical expertise or treatment to maintain a basic quality of life. Some of us will die.

-he called one of his books Crippled America. Unironically. Ugh. 

-the january 2017 unemployment rate for nondisabled civilians was 4.9. For disabled civilians, it was 11.0. These numbers do not reflect the number of disabled individuals who work inadequate part time jobs, who are institutionalized, or have given up looking for work.

-the US still has not signed the UN documents about the rights of People with Disabilities. 

-Justices like Justice Kennedy have historically been swing votes on cases involving disabilities. Justices like Scalia have not. Potential Supreme Court Justice Gorsuch has a very ugly disability rights record, which includes defending a college that fired a professor undergoing chemo when she requested to give her lectures over skype (there was a flu going around on campus and being there would put the staff member in danger due to her suppressed immune system)

-By the time he was elected, Donald Trump had already dealt with at least eight lawsuits concerning lack of basic accessibility (ramps, braille) on his properties

-the Supreme Court case legalizing the sterilization of potentially disabled people without their consent (Buck v. Bell) has never been overturned and has been cited as a legal precedence in a lower court as recently as 2001.

-the Judge Rotenburg Center is still using painful electric shocks on disabled students as punishment, despite the FDA advising them to stop more than two years ago.

-similarly, many disabled people are not  paid federal minimum wage b/c section 14c of the “Fair Labor Standards Act” is still on the books and so hundreds of thousands of disabled peoples’ wages are “proportional” to their productivity (compared to an abled worker). Goodwill is one of the most famous companies that exploits this loophole.

-the already gutted SSDI program is even more at risk-Trump has spoken about emulating the British reforms for their disability program. Off the top of my head, I can think of nine or ten different people who died as a result of the recent “fit to work” assessments and bedroom requirements in the UK.

-disabled people depend on the Department of Justice’s civil rights division to enforce the ADA and protect us from blatant discrimination. Trump has already proven that he does not care about the funding or effectiveness of the department, and is willing to destabilize it to forward his political goals. 

-Donald Trump is anti-vax and is complacent to that movement’s violent and intolerable rhetoric surrounding autistic and other neurodivergent individuals

-Sessions called disabled children protected by federal laws (like IDEA) “the single most irritating problem for teachers throughout America today”. In this same statement, he stated that he did not “remember hearing of gun shootings prior to 1975 when Congress began telling ten percent of our students [they] are not responsible” (the IDEA was passed in 1975, improving the way disabled children were treated at public schools)

-the new administration’s refusal to address fatal police brutality is also an issue of disability rights, given that around half of victims shot by police officers are disabled or neurodivergent. (like eric garner, who had asthma) 


In case this list didn’t clue you in: the disabled community is scared. We don’t know what to expect from the next four years, we still haven’t come close to equality, and we are usually left to fight our battles alone. That’s why I’m asking whoever reads this to stand with the disability community against ableism and against policies that will kill us. People have done a great job in the past few weeks of expressing solidarity with muslims, immigrants, refugees, latinx people, LGBT people, and black people. And, honestly, that’s great. Thank you and please keep doing it. But also be aware that disabled people are one of the most vulnerable demographics right now, and be aware that we’re also one of the most ignored. We are made invisible by the media and by society too easily. Please, you have to see us and you have to stand with us. 

Looking back on history, it’s impossible not to notice that people with disabilities don’t fare well in authoritarian regimes. Please help us make this time different.

Animal Crossing Starters:
  • “I figured you must be blackmailing that poor girl to have lunch with you.”
  • “I think it’s fair to say that I’m pretty sexy.”
  • “I don’t want to live in a world where I have to eat sugar free sugar cookies.”
  • “I remembered today was your birthday so I thought I’d say hi.”
  • “You have nothing to lose except your lonely loser status.”
  • “Shut it, you faker!”
  • “I sure am tired from all that relaxing I did today.”
  • “Then I can spend my entire allowance on comic books and video games and no one can stop me.”
  • “When you listen to pop music, you often hear them saying ‘shawty.’”
  • “[NAME] made fun of me because I say 'poot’ all the time.”
  • “I waited and waited because I really wanted to see you.”
  • “Tell papa/mama what’s up.”
  • “It hurts my face just looking at you.”
  • “Marry me.”
  • “I look forward to seeing what you’re gonna do with my butt.”
  • “A trash bin..? Is this a clue to your true identity?”
  • “I’m beautiful, but I’m also deadly.”
  • “I hope you go to jail.”
  • “What did you do to my body?”
  • “Stick to chocolate and comic books. You’re too young for love anyway.”
  • “I’m sorry.. please don’t be too mad at me.”
  • “I have a big favor to ask you.”
  • “Maybe I’ll just go home and lock myself in a closet.”
  • “I gotta admit, I really love that one show where all those people do the stuff and then something happens.”
  • “Here, touch my skin. It’s totally slimy right now.”
  • “I probably look in the mirror 24 times a day just to be sure I’m still so darned handsome/beautiful.”
  • “Guess what I’ve got in my pockets right now.”
  • “Better not catch you making goo-goo eyes at my wife/husband.”
  • “No one understands me. I’m hungry all the time and no one cares.”
  • “Are you suggesting my style is outdated?”
  • “Don’t play with stink bugs, especially when you’ve got a date coming up.”
  • “They don’t even care who wins. They just all flex their pecs.”
  • “Love means accepting that there will be times when you don’t get the last scallop.”
  • “Yeah exercise is totally hard and stuff. I think I’m gonna go take a nap and read a book or whatever.”
  • “Today was the day my best friend in the whole wide world was born.”
  • “Whoa you look so weird. And not weird in a hip way. More like 'weird’ as in 'makes me want to barf.’”
  • “End my suffering.”
  • “Not to sound corny but I really like you.”
  • “I wonder how I can say 'swaggy ’ in the most grown up way possible.”
  • “Just because two people are good friends doesn’t mean they’d make a good couple.”
  • “Sorry, I was staring at your face because I don’t know you. Not because there’s something wrong with your face.”
  • “Would it surprise you if I said I’m pretty proud of my legs?”
  • “The truth is never free.. but sometimes it’s on sale.”
  • “I hear the sound of rap coming from somewhere.”
  • “They tell you to sleep on a problem. But what if your problem is insomnia?”
  • “I’ll just observe your friends from the shadows.”
  • “I heard allergies are caused by the government.”
  • “Watch out, 'cause I’ll compliment you until you puke.”
  • “So D.I.Y. stands for 'do it yourself’? Well, if these guys think I’m going to do my own manual labor, they’ve got another acronym coming.”
  • “I can smell your confidence. Smells like soup.”
  • “I’m gay.”
  • “You’re my hero.”
  • “Please don’t call on me.”
  • “I think I dropped my house key somewhere. That was my favorite key… it opened my house.”
  • “Do you want to hear the brutal truth? That outfit is a hot mess.”
  • “Oh, I get it! You’re playing it cool. Trying your best not to cry.”
How to treat your girlfriend, who's been a victim of rape and/or sexual assault

1. Tenderly. Show her love, show her compassion, treat her gently. Some days she needs to be treated delicately.

2. But, treat her like she’s strong. She is. Let her know that you know she’s a warrior.

3. Check, and double check, and triple check that she is completely comfortable with any sexual activities the two of you partake in. Don’t just accept a yes. Check for body language, her facial expressions, her tone of voice. Do not go forward until you have established her comfort fully.

4. Don’t get upset when she isn’t comfortable doing whatever sexual activity you suggest. Dont be pushy, and never force it. Let her set the boundaries. Respect them.

5. Don’t become upset if she suddenly seems far away, or like she’s not paying attention, during sex. She’s probably disassociating. Stop. Do not continue to have sex with her. Let her come back to life.

6. Encourage, and if she’s comfortable, participate in her healing. If she needs help finding a therapist, or wants to see a psychiatrist, or needs a support group, do what you can to help her with these needs.

7. Do not ask about parts of her story she doesn’t readily tell. Maybe she’ll tell you details, maybe she won’t. Let her share what she wants and don’t pry into what she doesn’t. Never, ever suggest doubt or blame on any part of her story. Expect to be met with extremely negative emotions if you try to invalidate her.

8. When she wakes up crying during the middle of the night from the nightmares she has about her incident or attacker, get her a glass of water. Make her tea. Comfort her in some way.

9. Remind when you have to that it wasn’t her fault. That she is still a wonderful and beautiful and whole human being who has so much to offer the world. She will have periods of extreme depression. She will feel like she is worthless, or dirty or incomplete. She may feel suicidal or have self destructive behaviors. Help her see the good in herself when she cannot.

10. Stand up for her, and all other victims of rape or sexual assault when it comes to victim blaming. Slut shaming. Your friends making rape jokes and talking about fucking too drunk girls. Discourage this behavior. Call them out on being fucking shit bags. Have her back.

11. Be honest, all the time. She probably has extreme trust issues. Help her heal these. Help her regain trust in people.

12. Treat her in ways that pamper and relax her physically. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but if you can afford it pay for her to get her nails or hair done, maybe get a massage. Feeling comfortable in your own skin, let alone having a stranger touch it, after an assault is extremely difficult. I’ve found small activities like these have helped me personally become more comfortable with touch overall.

13. When it comes to your physical interactions with her, always start slow. Always approach slow. Kiss her gently, hug her softly, until you fully understand her comfort level with touch.

14. Avoid her triggers. If she can’t stand to watch movies that have scenes of rape or sexual assault, don’t bring her to them or have them on while she’s around. If there was a song related to her attack, don’t play it when she can hear it. Learn what these might be from her and do your best to keep them out of her life.

15. Give her the attention she needs when she needs it, and the alone time she needs as well. If she doesn’t want to be around you it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, she just needs time to herself. All people do, but in my experience victims can be much more one way or another on the spectrum, meaning she may crave constant attention, or want much more alone time than you’re used to.

16. Accept her, and her trauma. And if you can’t deal with the truth and ugliness that comes along with rape- the PTSD, the flinching at intimacy, the night terrors, the poor communication skills, the sometimes desperate need to be validated in feelings and love- then leave. She is who she is because of what has happened to her. You cannot take her trauma away. You cannot change her. You can try and help but you’ll never repair the damage that was done. The last thing she needs is a man coming into her life and treating her like shit because she was ASSAULTED.

17. Assure her of your love and protection often. Tell her you’ll never hurt her, and don’t. Tell her you love her, and mean it. And then act on it. Be a good partner, and be a good lover. Rape and assault victims are incredibly strong and beautiful people, who are able to offer so much compassion and love to the world because they have seen and felt the exact opposite of compassion and love. They have felt hatred and pain and control, and many of them will go above and beyond to prevent others from feeling these things.

If any of this seems too difficult for you, or maybe you just don’t want to do it.. Don’t date that girl. You don’t deserve her, and she deserves a partner who will treat her like she’s meant to be treated. And to all my fellow rape and sexual assault survivors, do not put up with a man (or woman) who doesn’t think about your trauma and do what he has to to be in a relationship with you. If the partners you’ve been with aren’t living up to the standard you need, just stay single. You’ll meet someone someday who will be perfect for you, and treat you gently, and kiss your tears away and calm your fears, and make you remember that sex can feel good and be fun and not be a painful and tortuous trip into your own head time and time again. You’ll meet someone who will care for and respect your body. And it will all be worth the wait. You are beautiful, strong, and WORTHY.

Okay so I feel like sharing this average Korean skincare routine my friend told me about when I was visiting her because so many people are amazed by idols good skin…just know this is without any super expensive products that many idols can probably afford.
1) Cleanser in the morning with a mask afterwards. Make sure to put it in the fridge for a bit before using it. Don’t listen to the 5-10 min just leave it on for awhile. If you can’t then use a toner.
2) Sunscreen with a moisturizer. Along with this make sure to shade yourself if it is too sunny outside.
3) Carry oil blotters.
4) Remove any makeup immediately when it isn’t needed anymore.
5) Cleanse before bed but with something special like a clay mask. Afterwards, use another mask. Sometimes people use over night masks.
6) Lots of water. Really, the promotion of drinking lots of water is crazy.
This is a very basic routine as in not super expensive products. However, there is a lot of dedication needed for this routine. Cleansing twice a day, using a toner, and making sure to moisturize is the best you can do.

The Types as I Know Them

The list isn’t complete but still :^)

ISTJ: They’re really quiet and more awkward than awkward at first but once they get used to you, they don’t really shut up and they talk to themselves when you’re around to make it seem like they’re having a conversation with you

ENFP: They’re really clingy and they do a lot of developing while you know them and they kinda disappear without saying anything for a while but they come back like nothing happened which is pretty chill and also contradictory

ENTP: Gets high and drunk a lot, like, a lot a lot but loves everyone while they’re under the drunk affect. You’d sort of expect them to be the dictator type because of their egoism but they’re really not. It’s sort of like their egoism is a little card they play a bit too much

INFP: Can literally write paragraphs about how awesome you are when you’re feeling down. Or just when they’re happy about something. They write a lot of positive paragraphs

ENTJ: Really bad at understanding jokes like they take them too seriously and try to understand the meaning and if it’s a joke about them, they’ll say “Is that really a problem with me? You should’ve told me earlier before announcing it, gosh”

INTP: Probably the most extroverted introvert like they can easily rap in front of a stranger when asking a question but get so exhausted after a few hours and need like 9 hours of sleep but they can also be like a monkey when they’re hyped but they never actually sleep so yeah, your local mad scientist with issues??

INTJ: They’re really hard to communicate with at first but once you get under their skin enough, they’re one of the best people to sit around with and do almost nothing

ESTP: They can make anything seem funnier than it really is and they repeat the same short joke all the time and the joke doesn’t seem to lose its worth. And they never forget things really so they’re probably the best people to have inside jokes with

anonymous asked:

so how do you feel about the claim that your art is racist?

hm, I…don’t know really? I guess I am not competent enough to decide.

You see, I don’t know what to think of this, because such a thing is very…strong, yet very vague. What exactly makes it racist? Did I draw someone not dark enough? If so, whom and why? I need to know these things so I can reflect back and see my drawings from a different perspective.

Because I always try to follow the descriptions and do my best on not…whitewashing? I’ve made a mistake of drawing a biracial (Angelina is black, George is white) character as white because in my mind 6 years ago it made perfect sense. I feel like I’ve grown enough to understand just how important media representation is for black people and why you shouldn’t take one potentially black character and make them white, since. everyone else is white already.

So in that sense, I try to do my best and draw people of colour as they are. The idea of whitewashing is not something I am fond of, nor I understand why people do that on the first place. especially if it’s full damn intentionally.

I guess there is someone who might consider me racist because I don’t headcanon characters with no mentioned skin colour as black? If so, personally, I do what’s closer to me and how my surroundings work. To get the idea, everyone around me were white (sometimes asian) up to very recently? I’m 23, and it’s the first time I had a chance to interract properly with a black guy who is my gym coach. Like, everyone here is primarily white, so it’s probably a bit different here. All the common problems that are talked about in US might be problems here, but people don’t talk about it. I have to find out everything on my own, so if I’m doing it slowly, please forgive me.

I’m all up for people to do/draw/write/percieve things (especially when it comes to fictional characters) the way that is the closest and the most relatable to them. If it would be black Hermione, or indian Harry, or as much PoC headcanons as people need - I can only appreciate and respect that. If I’m considered racist for doing the same but through my eyes, I am not sure what to do and what to think of it.

So…let me know your thoughts on this subject and I’ll read through it to get a better idea.

Whenever it’s hot outside,

I’ll say my skin smells like the sun, 

and people laugh at me,

saying that it’s probably the sweat.

But I know the smell of sweat, 

so I know for a fact, 

my skin is sun-kissed and blessed.

Subsonic Eye - Sun-kissed Skin 

Blood (M) | MYG.

MIN YOONGI VAMPIRE! AU.

You were too naïve, falling right into Yoongi’s trap..

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Reader.

Warnings: Mentions/use of alcohol, light BDSM, oral sex, degradation (only in one sentence), basically just rough sex 


Oh God, did Min Yoongi want you.

You were across the room from him, downing a shot your friend had forced you to drink, and already, all Yoongi could smell was your blood. Min Yoongi was unlike any cliché vampire, actually sometimes despising the smell of blood, but for some reason, your blood had smelt intoxicating and rich. He licked his lips as he watched you from afar, your friend clinging onto your shoulder for balance, clearly too drunk for her own good. 

Min Yoongi didn’t want to waste the opportunity presented right in front of him. The craving for your blood became almost unbearable for him, and he decided there was no point in resisting the urge for the taste of you no longer. Yoongi knew he was an absolute charmer, knowing that one small smirk made any woman faint and completely oblige to whatever he wanted, so he knew getting you under his trance would be a piece of cake. 

Keep reading

People got used to drawing Genji with a scarred but whole face but I want to see more canon Genji with blackened eyes and extensive burns or scars and probably like no skin on the lower half of his face 

Imagine if Genji didn’t even have a jaw to speak of, or if his jaw is a mess that needed complete reworking 

The fact that they never show the lower half of Genji’s face and that the upper half seems to be a lot more damaged than people portray it as [at least in the rendered cinematic if not the in game Blackwatch skin] makes me wish people would put more effort into portraying Genji with all the horror of facial scarring and mutilation instead of the cowardly “just a couple of scratches… but still hot!” way he’s always drawn

I’ve never said it before but I absolutely hate the fact that prettified Genji has become the norm for a character who is meant to have undergone some extreme physical trauma 

GIVE ME HORRIFICALLY UGLY GENJI SHIMADA WHO’S FOUND PEACE AND CONFIDENCE AND LOVE REGARDLESS YOU COWARDS

The Value Of Just Shutting The Fuck Up Sometimes


A few weeks ago, I was doing an interview with a reporter and she was asking about almost every weird GamerGate conspiracy theory that had come up about me in the last few years. I’ve honestly forgotten more of them than I remembered at this point. She didn’t seem to understand why I’d never addressed most of the accusations which had ranged from whose dick I touched to literally murdering people. She said in researching me for the piece, she’d only ever found the weirdo accusations but not my version of events, and seemed to not understand why I wouldn’t just say what actually did or didn’t happen.

I can’t blame her for being curious. I think whenever we hear something wild, especially about someone or something we care about, we want to know answers. Lord knows if you’re the one being lied about, it’s a natural impulse to want to set the record straight or give your side of anything.

Sadly, that’s extremely short sighted. No one thinks about what might happen next.

It’s been over three years of being accused of all kinds of shit from all kinds of people, and if I’ve learned nothing else, I’ve learned the importance of restraint and the responsibility that comes with having a large platform and gigantic visibility. It makes me feel like a kaiju where any small movement could potentially tip over a building. I’ve written a bunch in my book about how engaging with bad-faith accusations and signal boosting them just to refute them can easily backfire and ingrain false information in people’s minds even further. That can sometimes just come down to a math problem - if someone with an audience of 50 makes up a rumor about you, if you respond to it with your audience of 500, more people are going to see the false stuff than would otherwise. To complicate matters, there are enough people out there who think that even refuting something at all makes you look guilty. There are people who want you to be guilty because they already don’t like you. Frequently, bad-faith accusations will not be addressed by proof to the contrary, because you can’t reason someone out of something they didn’t reason themselves into in the first place. People are complicated.

But when you put your side of anything out there, the thing that comes next isn’t usually “oh, okay”. The thing that comes next is usually escalation. It’s people digging into shit trying to prove you wrong. It’s invasive, and it can have so much collateral damage.

For example, when people ask me why I didn’t address my ex’s claims about who I did and didn’t sleep with, even when I had the floor, I get why they’d ask. My own desire to keep some remaining shred of my privacy aside, those claims aren’t just about me. I’ve been accused of sleeping with people I haven’t ever really talked to, people who are pretty private in general who just want to be left the hell alone. I don’t have the right to drag them back into a messy situation that involves probably getting stalked and yelled at by nazis just to try and save my own skin, especially since it’s more likely than not that people are just going to believe whatever they want to anyway. Or maybe that’s me being cynical after watching years of people claiming that I fucked someone for a review I never got from a website I already had written for in the past. I honestly have, I think understandably, lost a bit of perspective on that particular point.

This is especially complicated by situations like mine, because I am under constant surveillance by people who hate my guts who are looking for people to hurt, and people looking to feed on “drama”, and people looking for new targets. If you think that’s being dramatic, there are places I know of that have threads specifically about stalking me *to this day* with literally thousands of posts in them. Bad faith actors aside, my audience is in the hundreds of thousands. The responsibility that comes with that is something I take extremely seriously.
It’s something that I encourage everyone else with big online platforms to take extremely seriously too. I think a lot of us internet famous folks ended up here without really trying to, and it’s easy to feel like “well I didn’t ask for this and it’s not my fault if something happens” and while, yeah, sure, you can’t take responsibility for the actions of other people (especially people who are super out there and just looking to hurt someone regardless of whatever you’re doing), I see no reason to not try to minimize harm. A power dynamic doesn’t cease to exist just because you didn’t explicitly seek that power out, or maybe didn’t even want it in the first place. People who have less resources than you will still have less resources than you regardless of how you feel about it.

When there’s a significant power differential at play, there’s harm algebra to be done when it comes to addressing disinformation. It’s not as simple as “just setting the record straight” in public, because once you make something public you give up a certain degree of control that you cannot get back. It might mean putting someone who is already hurting or has so much less than me in more harm than I’d ever face by just taking the reputation hit.

Sometimes there’s situations where I just have to take it on the chin, because nothing happens in a vacuum. Sometimes I just have to let it go, no matter how much it fucking sucks to have people out there tearing into you for reasons that really have very little to do with you, because the collateral damage is too much on too many people to justify any potential repairs to my reputation.

Honestly, it’s really not worth it to me to escalate a situation just to make a frequently pointless attempt at getting people to be more critical of the wild shit they read about me online, especially when it means probably hurting someone else. It’s been years and I still don’t know how to navigate a lot of this. I’ve tried so much already - talking about bigger stuff, proving what actually happened, attempting to prove negatives, responding only with screenshots of fighting game win screens. It’s not like people making shit up about me, regardless of motivation, is a novel occurrence in my life. It’s not like I’ve made the right call all the time - I’ve arrived at this method of dealing with shit after making a lot of *wrong* calls. I’ve been pretty open about being a bad fit for being a public figure of any sort - I was (and still feel) vastly unprepared to handle being a weird symbol to so many people who want all kinds of things from me regardless of if they need a villain or a hero or a symbol of whatever the fuck.

Frankly I can’t live my life around playing whack a mole with whatever new horseshit slithers out of the corners of the internet on any given day that ends in Y, because when I was trying to do that it really almost cost me my life.

A fun side effect of being a survivor of domestic violence is how easy it is to slip back into doubting your own life and experiences to a hyperbolic degree. A fun side effect of depression is feeling like everything you say and do is bad and wrong and that you’re worthless on a regular basis. A fun side effect of my PTSD is flashing back to being in that fucking elevator shaft when GamerGate started and I couldn’t sleep or eat and was convinced everyone would turn on me and I’d be alone forever any time some conspiracy comes up that hits me at just the right angle that it gets under my armor.

But I know that’s squarely out of my control. All I can do is manage what I do with that. I don’t know what else to do other than seek external advice from people smarter than me when something comes up that really gets under my skin or makes me doubt my own version of events even when I damn well know something didn’t happen to help counter the trashbrain filter that the disinformation comes in through because having those issues doesn’t let me off of any hooks. I don’t want to use any of that, or even my status as someone who is frequently targeted with shit that I’m too exhausted to type out so just picture me gesturing vaguely at everything to absolve me of anything. I don’t ever want to think I’m above reproach, so I check in with people around me who will be honest and call me on my shit. When I do fuck up, and I do because I’m a human in an extremely weird fucking situation, I do whatever seems like the right thing to do, not the face-saving thing to do. Sometimes, this is shit that’s done in private. I don’t know why people assume everything has to be handled extremely online. But overwhelmingly more often than not, shit is maliciously made up, and more often than not the only right move that will de-escalate shit and hurt the least amount of people is just letting it go and praying that people will see through it, or they’ll actually talk to me if they see some wild accusation. And if people wanted to look for reasons to think the worst and get the knives out immediately, honestly, I feel extremely done with anyone looking to build people up only to gleefully tear them back down. I’m tired and I’ve watched too many communities devour themselves to want any part of that, and am only interested in working toward a future that’s centered on restorative justice instead of exclusively punitive systems in different settings. I’m tired of enthusiastic disposibility masquerading as community. All that behavior says to me is that I was never safe around you in the first place.  

I know I’m taking a gigantic risk in even posting this to begin with because I know it’s an uncomfortable subject, but it feels like a bigger, longer-term risk to watch my comrades, siblings, and friends all scared and lost on either side of the power dynamic - both as people who have grievances with people with gigantic platforms, and as people who have gained both visibility and the jealousy and hatefollows that come with it. I’m tired of talking about this stuff in dms with other scared people who don’t know what to do. And by no means do I think this is the only way to deal with any of this - this is just how I feel, and how I approach being someone who went from being some random weirdo to being a cultural football. Your mileage may vary. Hopefully I figure out a way that’s less dehumanizing, and if I do, I’ll be sure and let you know. But again, I’m a random weirdo game developer. I’m figuring this shit out as I go, and I lean into my skids and wear my heart on my sleeve and if y'all want to throw me in the trash over being aggressively vulnerable and human at you, that’s ok. You don’t have to like me or support me, and I like trash anyway.

Shit’s pretty fucked up in the world right now (duh), but the very least we can do is really interrogate how and what we use our varying degrees of reach and visibility for. We have to see ourselves as part of something larger and look at our impact instead of just our intentions. For me, sometimes that means that being right doesn’t mean a damn thing and is unrelated to doing the right thing. Sometimes, for me, that means knowing when to just shut the fuck up and let people think what they’re gonna think. And if nothing else, I’ve seen that on a long enough timeline, people tend to figure out who makes shit up without my involvement.

So I’m only gonna say all of this once, here, so that I never have to say it again and I can point at it any time I’m asked to weigh in on something someone said about me on the internet, because god damn I’m tired and I’d rather spend my time and effort trying to help people and make dope shit than fuss about what people think they know about me.

theroyalpalmtreeofoz  asked:

I want to know more about grave robbing!

well then good news: im a big ol Gothic Romance fuck, and I’ve Got Some Shit For You about 19th century bodysnatching

  • this episode of the BBC “history cold cases” documentary series (watch all of them tbqh). its fucking sad as anything, as the title implies, but also really interesting?
  • grave robbers were called resurrectionists. how unfairly fucking cool is that,
  • grave robbing and 19th century medicine, especially anatomy, are inseparable. grave robbing is an undercurrent through all of dr lindsey fitzharris’s work with the Under the Knife youtube series (and also presumably in her new book The Butchering Art, which I am so fucking stoked to get my hands on). this is the most relevant episode!
  • this documentary on how the victorians viewed death, grave robbing, and burial, and particularly why it was seen as so horrible to be used bodysnatched for dissection.
  • in the same vein, Sawbones, excellent as always, has a graverobbing episode. also, listening to more of Sawbones gives you a healthy appreciation for just how fucking weird medicine got at the time, which is not unrelated.
  • mortsafes and the other many weird ways people came up with to stop the resurrectionists (i’m serious about this, i would probably be a grave robber if people would call me a ‘resurrectionist’)
  • burke and hare! they murdered people because graverobbing was too much effort. burke was punished with dissection after his execution and they made his skin into a wallet! what the fuck!
  • if you find death and burial customs interesting then everything on the Ask a Mortician youtube channel will probably seem cool but these episodes are especially relevant to fucked up things people have wanted corpses for! also they discuss the Romantics, who are a good chunk of the reason why I’m so interested in this
  • a lot of the need for grave robbing went away after the 1832 Anatomy Act, which was great, except that it did so by allowing doctors to claim and dissect the bodies of the poor, which was not great, and really didn’t do any positive things for the public’s already-strained feelings about anatomists.

(to explain my specific interest: I personally believe that fears of grave robbing are closely tied to the complicated feelings about science and scientific ethics present in Frankenstein, and especially to the creation of the creature himself. It’s fascinating that it’s never actually stated directly in the book that Frankenstein builds it from corpses (although it is very clear that he’s been grave-robbing for his anatomy studies), but readers have assumed that since its first publication. Medical history, man. it’s fucked up.)

I Need To Get This Out There

I have severe eczema all over my body, including my face.  There are few things that people do/ say that drive me mental.  Let’s go:

1) DO NOT FUCKING STARE AT IT!

You think this would be common fucking sense, but NOPE!  The amount of fucking stares I get when I am minding my own business is unbelievable.  Imagine if you got a really bad hair cut and everywhere you went people were staring at you.  Even when you catch them staring they continue to do so.  It makes you feel like you are two inches.  Now multiply that feeling by 10 and that is what people with eczema feel like.

2) Do Not Point it Out

Yes I know it is there, I can feel it.  I ask you: What good does it do to point it out?  It is not dirt; I cannot just wipe it off to get rid of it.  This also adds to the anxiety that eczema causes and it is flat out rude.

3) Do Not Say: “It’s gross!” or “It looks painful!” or “It looks dry!” etc.

Look I know how it looks like to the public.  I cannot help how it looks.  Trust me it looks gross to me as well.  However, there is nothing I can do to really change how it looks or how long the recovery takes.  Plus, it is painful and no amount of pain-killers will get rid of the pain.

4) “You should cover it up!” 

HAHAHAHAHA! It is not that fucking simple man! First of all, eczema heats up really quickly.  If someone is the cover the area the eczema will burn said person, until it hits the cold.  Secondly, if they were to put say foundation on it both of these scenarios will happen.  When eczema is covered, the patch will look hella dry.  All it will do is make it look less inflamed rather than be a solution.  Let’s say that the person has a lot of makeup skills to make it look invisible, makeup will still hinder it.  like covering it up with cloth, the eczema will burn underneath causing the flare to worsen.

5) “You should try this (insert over the counter drug/natural ‘remedy’)”

At this point just shut the fuck up.  Let’s start with the drug argument shall we.  Do you honestly think I would not be keeping tabs on new products and not testing them out.  I know of pretty much all of the drugs out there and they do not work.  Correction, they work for those who are extremely mild or for people who think they have eczema when they don’t and only have a normal rash.  all those creams do is num the itch so you don’t scratch.  They do not stop it!  Now for the natural “remedy” crap.  Let’s get this clear,  THERE IS NO FUCKING CURE FOR ECZEMA!  For those who says “I used this all natural mixture/oil/whatever that my alchemist recommended and it cured my/baby’s/whoever eczema” That is all fucking bullshit!  Like with the over the counter, it more or less nums it.  A lot of the ingredients they use are mild moisturizers.  Now moisturizers are need to help the healing process of a flare, but like I said before, there is no cure.  These moisturizers just get rid of the dryness which prevents spread, not riding the body of it.  With this said, these moisturizers (more or less they are oil based) are mild.  These oils are primarily used in adding into things like steroid creams.  It adds to the moisture content on top of the pre-moisturized area and working power of the steroid. This argument drives me more nuts than the over the counter one because of my Teta. I know they are trying to help, but you are not a doctor, do not try to act as one.

6. “Have you tried taking cold showers?” or “Have you tried moisturizing?”

Of course I have! I personally hate cold showers, but because of the eczema, it is the only option I have unless I want it to spread.  It is one of the advices you receive from the doctor along with the application of moisturizers once your eczema starts flaring. 

7. “OMG! DON’T USE STERIODS! THEY ARE SO BAD FOR YOUR SKIN!”

No shit sherlock! I know they are bad for you, however they are all I have right now.  There is no other way to really treat it currently without harmful medication.  So unless you are researching a cure for eczema, do not preach to me about how bad they are and what they may cause, because I already know.

8. “DON’T SCRATCH IT!  IT WILL MAKE IT WORSE!”

I already know that.  However, it is a mental issue.  Role-play time again!  Imagine that you have a feather lightly going over your skin.  After a while, you want to bat it away.  Now imagine if you were not allowed to bat it away.  It would eventually dive you nuts and you will knock it way.  Again multiply that feeling by ten and that is what a person with eczema had to deal with.  The point of which we need to scratch is our breaking point.  Eczema legit will drive us mad, to the point we will do anything to stop it, even if it means worsening it.

Those are only some of the thing people with eczema have to deal with.  I probably missed a tone of comments that drive us nuts.  If you know of someone with eczema DO NOT do/say these things to them.  If you have some things that dives you nuts feel free to add.  If you do not have eczema and have questions please feel free to ask me.

Literally how I became happy.

A lot of you guys are always concerned about me because the more that I share, the more you realize I’m a real person with struggles and issues and I’m not 100% okay 100% of the time haha so I just wanna give an update and share some insight on how I’ve been doing and what I’ve been working on.
The hair cut is the visible part. The change is sooooo real. I look like a different person but I seriously FEEL like one. Surface changes: I live in Tennessee. I have short blonde hair. I’ve now dated two guys that I actually loved. I own a house and a car. Before, I lived in California, I had freaking long brown hair, I shared a mini van with four other people, I’d never been on a date and truly questioned whether I’d ever meet anyone that liked me for who I was, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life past like two years into the future and I felt like I would live with my parents forever. So a lot of big things have changed but honestly the biggest changes happened inside with less visible results. You can only see it in my smile and hear it in my words. But really you’ll see it in my actions over the next 12 months. It’s just the beginning.
I honestly don’t know where it came from. The last six years I have been so passive. My life has been happening to me. There have been some breakthrough moments where I learned a lot about myself and my confidence and self love, yes. I had some good times for sure. But as far as knowing what I want and where I wanna go, I was not good at that. I felt SO powerless and began to withdraw more and more, in my friendships, my career, our band, my family, everything. I shared so little each day, I had so few ideas, I didn’t create much, I only wrote when I was really upset or inspired (which wasn’t that often), I had no social life, no vision for myself, no confidence that anyone would ever love me and I just wasn’t living a rich life at all. I was an observer hoping that one day someone or something would come along and make my life actually enjoyable. I was constantly waiting. I journaled a lot and released a lot of emotion, that part was good. I just felt like I was living in a cave, stuck in the past, not doing much each day to actually experience life.
Then we moved across the country. *shock* *panic* *whoa*. That was the first time I was really shaken up.
Then I had my heart broken. Twice. I fell in love and both times it didn’t work out. I NEEDED that, to meet people who actually got me and appreciated my personality and loved all my quirks and my strange mind and how childlike I am. For the first time I felt understood. I wouldn’t change a thing. I was so closed off for so long and suddenly I was ripped open. Someone was asking for my time and attention and I had to give it to them. I was so scared but I really wanted to experience that side of life so I had to let those people see me and experience who I was. It was so good for me omg. I felt like my heart was shriveled and frozen before that, it had seen the sun maybe three times, but once that happened it absolutely bloomed. Not everyone has to fall in love to open their heart but for me that’s how it happened.
Anyway it was really intense and pushed me to the edge, dealing with that loss. I cut off all my hair. I just had enough. I was so drained. I had felt so vulnerable throughout my dating experiences, such a long period of trusting and hoping after so many years of doing the opposite, I guess I became a little over exposed. I pictured myself feeling tough and strong after a particularly intense weekend of fighting and I saw myself with no hair. It was kind of a crazy idea at first but it turned into a real desire. After a few days of thinking it over, I took the plunge.
What. A. Rush.
Suddenly I just wanted to feel alive. I went a little overboard but I did so many things. Concerts, road trips, bonfires, social plans nonstop, shopping, reinventing my style… I was really hurting during this time and I just wanted to feel better. I don’t regret doing so much but I’m glad I came down after a month and examined myself. I realized how much I was hurting and I faced it. I felt scared, hurt, abandoned, broken and vulnerable but it was comforting to identify that. Once you face it, you can feel it, release it and eventually let it go.
In October I realized I wanted more. I actually had dreams. Cutting my hair showed me I could have an idea, see it through and that it could actually go well! I wanted that on a bigger scale. I started writing again, all the time. I took an interest in my appearance again. Before, I just wanted people to think I’m pretty. Of course I still do but now it’s so much more than that. It actually is for me. When my outfit/makeup/overall look matches my mood, I feel so much more confident, comfortable with myself and ready to take on the day. Even in my work out clothes, I always try to coordinate them now and make them feel good because I know I just do more with my day when I feel confident and ready to put myself out there. You don’t need to look perfect AT ALL, in fact sometimes that can cause more stress because it puts more pressure on you. Just take the time to put yourself together and feel GOOD about what you’re wearing each day. It seriously makes a huge difference. And especially DO NOT wear anything that makes you feel bad. GET RID OF IT!!!! All your clothes should make you feel cute in some way.
Idk how this happened but I kind of just realized nothing is a big deal. The way I used to live, EVERYTHING was a HUGE deal. Texting a guy? Leaving the house? Spending 30 dollars? Calling someone first? All terrifying things I dreaded and avoided at all costs. I had to work through so much INTENSE anxiety when I first started dating, it was really sad how much that freaked me out and how much I had to work through just to get to a point where I felt comfortable going on one date or being the object of a man’s attention. I felt so incredibly unworthy.
Anyway, maybe it was the hair cut but sometime around then I just became really bold. Right now I feel like almost nothing scares me. My biggest fear is probably trusting people that have hurt me. That’s one thing I can think of that I’m struggling with and truly terrifies me, trying to rebuild broken relationships. I’m having help working through that. Other than that, there are so few things I won’t try, won’t pursue, won’t say to someone. I am becoming more bold, confident, comfortable in my own skin and sure of myself with each passing second. I just feel GOOD. Nothing is that big of a deal! Seriously force yourself to take more risks and you’ll quickly understand what I mean. You can spend weeks, months, even years fearing things and trying to predict what will happen but once you finally do them you’ll see just how unnecessary all that stress was. Nothing is that hard, that daunting, that permanent. Heck, even tattoos can be removed these days.
I think that was the biggest change of all so far: the removal of fear. Fear used to be the gas in my tank, it absolutely fueled me. Now it’s faith. I am so ON FIRE for my life!!!!!! I have so many exciting dreams I want to pursue, so much I want to create, so many places I want to go, things I want to experience, learn, master, people I want to meet and be around….. I love it all. I decide what I want and I go after it. I look at myself in the mirror and I smile. I’m starting to look as bold and unique as I feel. The long hair was beautiful and fun and maybe one day I’ll want it back but for now, it just feels too plain for how colorful and out of the box my mind is. I always used my mind a lot but I wasn’t exploring it much before. Now that I’m embracing my unconventional brain, I just want to express that openness and share it with the world.
Also I’ve noticed I’m getting disappointed comments from traditional, conformist men I never wanted to date anyway that used to love my hair 😂 so no offense but I was never interested in you anyway, there are soooooo many long haired women in the world you can comment on that you’ll probably never even meet but i’m just one less you need to worry about hahaha. All of the bold men that liked me before just like me more now. And I think it’s because I also like myself more! Confidence attracts confidence! I’m growing into the baller I was born to be and it’s just helping me attract more ballers 😂😂
BTW THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING LONG HAIR OR A MORE SIMPLE STYLE I FULLY SUPPORT IT. YOU DONT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A CRAZY PERSON OR LIVE A WILD UNCONVENTIONAL LIFE TO BALL OUT ON EVERYONE THATS JUST HOW I CHOOSE TO DO IT HAHA. EVERYONE IS A BALLER IN THEIR OWN WAY I EMBRACE AVERAGE LOOKING PEOPLE AND WILD LOOKING PEOPLE, AS LONG AS YOURE LIVING A LIFE YOU LOVE AND CHOOSING WHAT TRULY FULFILLS YOU!!!!!!!!!!! WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE JUST LIVE IT BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT 🙌🏼
Anyway, I feel so much more confident in myself, men or no men. It’s funny cuz I finally stopped worrying about guys and now I actually interact with them the way I always wanted to hahaha.
I no longer rely on the approval of others to get through the day. I no longer feel paralyzed by fear every morning and night. I no longer ponder whether I’m worthy of a date or not. I no longer look in the mirror and sigh. I no longer think of the future as a blurry grey blob filled with hopelessness, uncertainty and fear. I know it will be whatever I make it and I am going to make it freaking phenomenal.
That’s a huge key, putting YOURSELF in the drivers seat. Forget this message of victimization. You are the person holding yourself down but YOU can be the one to lift yourself up!!!! Wow I just got a huge craving for meat loaf and mashed potatoes. HAHAHA. Anyway, put yourself in control. Ask God for guidance. Trust that you are taken care of always because YOU ARE. Embrace yourself. Stop thinking you have to be perfect. Stop thinking you’re unlovable. Realize how cool you are and how much you have going for yourself. Jump in and try things. Stop thinking you have to be “ready”. THE LESSONS OF FAILURE ARE FAR MORE VALUABLE THAN THE PRIZES OF SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!
On that note, go kill it. Embrace yourself. Blossom. Live. Come alive. You got this 👊🏼💗

Let Me Love You

Originally posted by dean-winchester-crush

Let Me Love You by evansrogerskitten

Dean x Reader 

Reader is getting over a bad breakup and ready for a rebound hook up. Thankfully she meets a gorgeous green-eyed stranger who is down for a night of bliss.

Warnings: This is pure Smut. NSFW, Explicit, hook up sex, fingering, oral, anal play, language, alcohol. So basically my usual. | WC: 3183 | On AO3

A/N: This is for @luci-in-trenchcoats‘s 2K Follower Challenge, and an addition to my album challenge for @mrs-squirrel-chester‘s Album Fanfic Challenge. 


I met Sam when he came to the university library one afternoon. He was sweet, funny, and a little nerdy. It seemed like I never met nice guys anymore. And after my disaster of a relationship and subsequent nasty breakup, it was nice to be interested in someone again.

“So you’ve been in Amherst for a few days?” I asked, shuffling through discarded books on the table.

Sam studied the maps in front of us for a moment, before he focused on my question. “Yeah, my brother and I are working here on a job.”

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