people who look like silmarillion characters

If you’re looking for a female human character in Tolkien’s works who is neither a saint nor a villain, who is impossible to put up on a pedestal, who lets her pride get the better of her as much as any of your favorite male Silm faves, who works hard to protect her family but messes up because she doesn’t know how to compromise, who has agency in her own storyline and complex motives…

might I recommend Morwen?

Like, actually, might I recommend her so that people actually pay some attention to her?

In The Beginning,

The players created the characters and the sheets. Now the characters were completely terrible, but in fascinating ways, and the humour of the players hovered over (and cursed) all of them.

And @theunitofcaring saw that the characters were complete fucking disasters, but let it pass because it looked like too much fun.


Last night, I started playing a Silmarillion based D&D campaign with the Stanford EA club. There were twelve of us. We ended up narrowing it down to eight of us playing, three abstaining, and Kelsey GMing.

Of the eight people playing, most of us ended up designing ridiculous characters for shits and giggles. Here are a few such characters:

The Halfling bards are literally two Hobbits who stand on top of each other to play a string bass. They play as basically a single character, because all Hobbits look the same. They are purposefully incompetent - and even have the rolls for it. Despite the ability of Halflings to reroll dice, they still managed to get a truly spectacular number of natural 1s. When something went wrong in the party, it was often because these guys were trying to “““help”””. That is, unless it was caused by…

The Half-Orc Rogue, who is a lawful evil genocidal asshole. Who does he want to commit genocide against? Orcs and descendants thereof. Yes, this is exactly as weird as it sounds. In his defense, he has a wisdom of 5 and is trying to roleplay it correctly. He does this brilliantly. His play-style is what you might expect if, every morning, he crushed twelve types of stimulants into a fine powder and snorted it.

Finally, there’s the one character who decided her particular brand of weird was going to be “maximise theological complexity”. You see, according to the rules of this campaign, all the Elves in Middle Earth are Doomed by the gods/Valar because they refused paradise. The High Elves in particular are double-Domed because they pissed on the gods’ doorstep while telling paradise to go fuck itself.

So, what does Ms. Theological Complexity decide to become? She’s The Fëanorian Cleric. She has so successfully gotten herself thrice-damned that @comparativelysuperlative (the current owner of my soul) would be proud. I’m kind of assuming that all her prayers go something like this:

Cleric: “Hey, can you help me out with-”
Her god: “Or I could kill most of your family and torment you for centuries. I like that idea better.”

That’s right: Our Elf is basically a Jew.

Of course, I decided to keep things simple. I’m just The Human Wizard who hates Elves because [reason redacted to spite @nonternary and everyone else actually playing], which may end up fucking things up for the party pretty badly. However, as bad as I might be, at least I’m (somehow) better than the others.


When our characters had all been created, Kelsey showed us where we were on the map of Beleriand. The maps all had a little strip at the top torn out. Apparently, they had all printed with the file name for the map image and Kelsey had ripped off the name because it might distract us.

After the game, someone found a discarded strip with the filename on it. Kelsey had named our map beleriandfuckers.jpg for reasons she doesn’t even remember any more.

I include this final detail as proof that I have the best taste in women. May all the Kelsey-less people of the world seethe with jealousy.