I’ve always had one foot out the door in relationships. Always looking around to see if there was something better, someone better. I’m not entirely sure why I’ve been that way. Sometimes I try to think if there was something in my past that made me that way. I know I have a ton of self protective walls in place that keep me from needing or relying on anyone too much. And they keep me from believing that people truthfully want me, maybe that’s why I’ve always jumped from man to man? It’s a way to keep me from getting too close to anyone? I don’t know. Or maybe I’m just a selfish bitch.
I do know I’m tired of doing it. I don’t want to do it to Brad. I want to be better. I want to do better for him but also, for me. I want to give myself a normal and real relationship where I just sit still and allow myself to be happy and not look for the next thing because truthfully from what I’ve seen, there isn’t anything better for me than him. No one I’ve talked to or hung out with holds a candle to him. I realized I just compare them to him and they fall short every time.
My mom said to me last night that she hopes Brad does move here because she wants that for me. She knows how happy he makes me and how much the girls like him and she wants that for me. It made me smile to hear that. She knows the whole truth of everything and to get her “blessing” was a big deal.
I want to be a better partner to him. Maybe I’ve grown up. Over the last month we’ve really laid our shit out on the table and we’ve both accepted the other’s wants, needs and concerns. The conversations we’ve had have been awesome. I cannot imagine having that with anyone else and I think of all the work and effort we’ve put in to be here. All the hurt and anger too because this has not come without a fight. We’ve both had to swallow some tough things to make this work. It hasn’t always been easy.
I want to stop being so quick to replace him when I feel like ONE thing is not working because even though that one, single thing might be “better” with someone else, they aren’t him, and that is just one thing when he is really everything to me. He is it and I have needed to stop pussy footing around and commit to it already and I think I have. I stop myself all the time now from my wandering thoughts and eyes, that’s progress, I think. I WANT to be better and I will. I know it will be tough to break old habits but I know he has my back and I have his. I want to be the partner and person he deserves. I hope I can be. I hope to be for myself as well.