Throughout the years I came to realise that I thought differently, that I have been raised differently, that I was used to a different way of thinking, of behaving, of feeling itself. I came to realise that I attached too much importance to people, that I cared too much for people, that friendship is nothing like what I though it was. Actually, It is, it is something big, great, a sincere bond between two beings, some sort of love, platonic love. However, do not call your friend anyone you meet, because they do not care about you. Human beings need company, it is the essence of their being, no one wants to be lonely, no one wants to be on their own. They want company. If you feel like someone attaches importance to you only because they need company, then consider them as such too. Do not sacrifice yourself for them because they don’t deserve it. They do not love you, they do not care about you, they do not attach any importance to you unless they need something from you and I came to realise that. I have been used so much, fooled so much, that i just had enough. I am tired of this vicious circle, each time i hope i have found someone genuine i end up being disappointed. It actually makes me so angry, that i cannot stand loneliness, that i always try to find someone to be with and i end up loving them so much, doing everything i can to make them happy only to realise that they were just using me. Life is what it is. People are what they are. I even came to a point where I thought people around me were not human, I was wondering what went on how it was even possible to behave like this, how it was possible to be so careless.
I would listen to anyone who wants me to listen to them because I consider myself as a human being, made of a soul, feelings, flesh and bones. I am imperfect and I seek perfection in helping others. But no one thinks like that, I mean some people do but only a few. Its like people plan everything, for them even time is too much to give away, let alone actual help. I have cried, because I felt bad and it would relieve me to spend some time with a friend, but my anger, my pain became greater when I realised that I had no friend.
It is extremely tiring, to fall in the same trap again and again, to be hurt again and again and to carry on with the certitude that i am going to be hurt again. Because i am a fool, i just feel to much i think, i have too many emotions, i tend to love people too much.
Life. It is full of disappointments, challenges. Arrg, barriers just full of shit! Actually, people are just full of shit. I thought it was university that was depressing me, maybe my course, all the work the studies and everything. But no, it is simply people. I just didn’t have enough luck to cross the path of genuine people. It would be a lie if i say that i am not going to be used again, but whatever happen, i guess i will just take it and carry on.
Sorry, for this long text, i just felt like writing everything i had on my heart and did really see where else to.