people always wonder what our relationship is like


“Everyday is all the same, like no matter what the reason is the seasons never change. I think of all the time I’ve spent drifting far away and zoning out as I’m clocking in”, I’m playing music in my head while waiting for dismissal. I can’t even keep up with what our instructor is saying, I’m too absorbed with my desire of going home. It has always been like this, attend school, go out with friends, and have some lone time contemplating life. “Seems like even cupid don’t know what to do, everybody’s got somebody but me”, that song suddenly popped on my head and I got shivers. It’s almost annoying hearing people talk to you about not having been in a relationship, I wonder if it’s a requirement. Sometimes I think, maybe I’m really not that attractive, then I look around, “nah, I really don’t mind”. I’ve been existing in this world for more than 20 years and about to graduate without romance in life, I guess I’m used to it. It’s not like I don’t want to, it’s not like I want it either, I just can’t imagine myself with one. I’ve always been afraid with the idea of settling down, imagining it makes me sick. Suddenly, I heard my classmate calling me out, then I realized I spaced out again. “What were you thinking just now?” My friend asked, “nothing important really” I said. “Well it’s time to go, guess I’ll find some guy on the way home, see ya” I told my friends then get out of the class. I put my headphones on then thought, if there’s someone I want to be with, this guy should love the songs on my playlist, I’ve never seen one, people always thought I have some alienated playlist but I don’t mind, unlike them who just goes with the flow, I wanted to submerge myself into real music.
“Hello Mr. Sun, today’s the day we change our plans, and end the war against our own selves” “I forgot again to stop the music last night” well it’s saturday and I’m out of good books, I badly need one. I rushed to the bathroom and got excited with the idea of going to a book store. I missed being there, I’ve been busy with my studies so I barely have the time to stop by. As I look for some interesting stories, a fancy note got my attention. “I’m searching for a perfect soul that I may never find”, it’s a line from Ryan Cabrera’s all night train. I smiled, then look for that someone who wrote it, also I bought the book that’s with the note. I suddenly got curious to whom it might be. But it’s only 9:30am and there are no other customer than me, so I continued the lyrics of the song instead and asked if he’s a boy or a girl then I left.
I found myself smiling while going out of the store when a guy caught my attention, he looks mysterious so I followed him with my gaze. He went on the spot where I found the note but he just scanned the books then look on other shelves. I was quite disappointed ‘cause I got my hopes up thinking he might be that person. When I’m home, I rushed to my room and stare at the book I bought, I’ve got an eye on this book the last time I went to the store but I have no extra money to buy it. Maybe it was fate telling me to buy it already since I ’m really interested to it. Or maybe, “no it can’t be”, I’m just imagining things. I tried to take a nap, but then I decided to head back to the store and search for the note. The person replied and the note says he’s a guy. Again I searched the surrounding, but there’s no one. I tried scribbling some lyrics of the song Amazing by Andrew Allen saying, “what is this life I’ve stumbled into, where’s it going to take me, where’s it going to take you?” then left when I bumped into this same guy I saw earlier. “Sorry” we both said and smiled at each other. He really is handsome especially when he smiles. I watched him from afar while he’s searching for books when suddenly he wrote something while he’s on the shelve I just left. I ignored it then went downstairs, but I went back to see what he wrote. I was so happy with what I saw, “If life is a journey, then I know where I’ll be, by the ocean, or that valley in the sea. But I don’t think anyone’s looking for me, especially you” he replied. As I thought, he really is that guy, and he even continued the lyrics of the song I wrote on the note. He saw me smiling and approached me “Hi, so it’s you?” he said and I nod. “It was just a habit of me to write notes randomly and it’s the first time that someone replied and I was so surprised” he continued. “If it’s just a random note then I won’t really care, it’s the lyrics that really caught my attention” I replied. “I didn’t know that someone knows that song” he said, “well I kind of like those type of songs so yeah, someone knows it” I replied, “so does anyone told you that you had weird taste of music?” He said while laughing and I said, “all the time” while rolling my eyes. “Well it was nice meeting you, I gotta go” I said, we said our goodbyes then went off.
While heading home I realized I didn’t asked his name, maybe it’s not meant to be. Maybe that incident just taught me to try changing my mindset and give love a try, maybe just that, nothing more. I barely convinced myself, and next thing I knew, I’m already walking towards the store again. He’s not there, offcourse. I was depressed so went to a coffee shop, good thing I brought that book with me so I started reading it while having my coffee. “Off the pages” I heard someone said. I put down the book and stared at this guy and smiled, “it’s you again” I said. He sat in front me and said “you actually bought that? That’s where I put the note right?” “Yeah, I really wanted to buy this book and it so happened that it’s with that note”.
It was the first time I liked someone, I never felt this before. I’m afraid, but for now I’ve decided, maybe I’ll give it a try. Unconsciously, I started singing “I’m gonna break down these walls I built around myself, I wanna fall so in love, with you and no one else”, instead of being embarrassed, I just smiled. Starting that day, we’ve been sharing music together.

I wonder how much of this common meme that poly people always have all these complicated rules is a way to try to convince monogamous people that we’re not just “slutty” “anything-goes” players or whatever. See, we can do committed relationships too! Look at all our rules and relationship contracts and agreements! We’re Super Srs!

Obviously many poly people really do have rules, and that’s valid, but this strong emphasis on rules in the discourse (at least, the public-facing discourse) seems a capitulation of sorts. What if you can have loving, committed romantic/sexual relationships without rules, just like you can have loving, committed platonic or familial relationships without rules? That’s even scarier than the idea of your partner sleeping with other people, because it upends a lot more assumptions.