penguins pittsburgh

SO YES the golf bag is real and it is so much better than I could have imagined.

1. It’s the most awful pattern of black and white. I hope this isn’t something they actually market, because…look at that. Also, it lacks gold trim or red highlights–both of which we know a certain someone is a fan of. 

2. His name is on it in freaking impact font like it’s some sort of garbage meme.

3. His name is President Trump–meaning that if/when he leaves, it’s either going to stick with him as a reminder of his failures and the worst four-or-fewer years of his life, or it’s going to be sold and discarded like the rubbish that is his tenure.

4. His name is on a golf bag. This is his legacy.

5. They have the “Stanley Cup Champions” there to remind him of what quality looks like. They’re tooting their own horn, signing this piece of magnificent trolling like a professional graffiti artist tagging their work. 

6. I can’t get over the Adidas logo for some reason. It’s just…up there at the top. Garish, gaudy, another piece of product placement along with everything else. Trump doesn’t even get to have his name adorning this thing along, it’s crowded in there with two other logos. 

7. They gave him a golf bag instead of a jersey. They broke with a longstanding tradition to give him a half-joke, half-insult. 

I’m proud of them for this. It’s so hideous.

Hockey Penalties and other phrases

  • Too many men = too much man.
  • Icing = skate too slow, team too tired
  • “Play is under review” = 4 blind men didn’t see the play and now will spend 15 minutes trying to revive their eyesight.
  • Off-sides = skate too fast, no goal for you, dumb af
  • High sticking = stick to yourself, no one wants your stick in their face.
  • Goaltender Interference = no idea, such bullshit.
  • Roughing = too touch, much bad touch
  • Game Misconduct = very bad touch
  • Fighting = slight scuffle, mostly hugs.
Steve Dangle helped me figure out why I’m so disappointed with Sidney Crosby

Dangle said in his latest podcast that if Sidney Crosby at the end of his life wants to look back and be remembered for being a good hockey player and nothing else - then he is doing everything to achieve that right now. But if he wanted to be remembered for being a great hockey player and a good person, he would have to start speaking up for people less privileged than him. 

And that is exactly it. Sidney Crosby is undoubtedly one of the greatest hockey players of all time. But he has never done a You Can Play video, has never actually spoken up about racism and homophobia in the league, has not helped to make the sport he loves so much a safe space for everyone and now he is going to shake hands with a white supremacist in the White House. 

He could actually change some things. As the face of the NHL, his words carry a lot of weight. He could help make an actual fucking difference.

Yes, he is a good hockey player. And if that is all he wants to be, than that is fair enough. But I sure wish it were different. I sure wish the kid who got bullied when he was younger would stand up for others now. Instead he is shaking hands with the biggest bully the country has to offer.

The benches in hockey dressing rooms are built so that your feet rest on the floor with your skates on which means that there are pictures of Large Professional Athletes with sock feet dangling off of the bench and I think that is a beautiful thing.

Hockey Phrase Definitions

  • Assist = I gotchu boo, have a goal
  • Blew a tire = ice much slippery
  • Boarding = wall for safe, not for face.
  • Breakaway = quick like a bunny
  • Chirping = much insult
  • Crashing the net = up close and personal, goalie edition
  • Delay of game = dumb
  • Dropping the gloves = gloves off, better for hugs
  • Empty net goal = participation award
  • Flow = to the fella over there with the hella good hair
  • Goaltender = marshmellow optimus prime
  • Holding = now is not the time for hug
  • Icing = belongs on cakes, not in sports
  • Jock strap = under the butt nut hut
  • Line brawl = much hugs
  • One timer = couldn’t do that again if I tried
  • Own goal = woo goal for the other team
  • Penalty box = pout place
  • Referee = not Denis Widemans friend 🐸🍵
  • Spearing = hockey players are not hot dogs

Is your (hockey) tumblr also being flooded by more bad news about the orange cheeto in the Oval Office? Are you also a disappointed hockey fan, pissed off with the NHL? Or worse - are you a Pens fan and cried yourself to sleep last night, because you hate that your own team did wrong?

Well, don’t despair, for I have a remedy post of fluff for you! Filled with soft boys, epic hockey bromances, Instagram chirping, puppies and the smile of Gabriel Landeskog. (Not that it solves anything to close your eyes to stuff that is wrong in the world, but a bitch can only take so much!)

Enjoy!

THOUGHTS OF A HOCKEY FAN

1.) “Why’d they blow the play dead?”

2.) “How is that even a penalty?”

3.) “What is ‘goaltender interference’?”

4.) “How the shit is that goaltender interference?”

5.) “That was the weakest penalty call I’ve ever seen.”

6.) “What the fuck are you even doing ref?”

7.) “ThAt’S nOt A pEnAlTy YoU bLiNd FuCk.”

8.) “Shut up Pierre.”

9.) “I hate every single one of these players, why are you even in the NHL.”

10.) “I can’t actually believe I’m watching beer league players.”

11.) “Wait…. When did he get traded? Who even are these people.”

12.) “I hate hockey and the players hate me.”

13.) “Oh there’s gonna be a figh–false alarm, they just hugged.”

14.) “Our goalie is going to kill every single one of his teammates and I might actually help.”

15.) “What the actual hell is our coach even doing? Can he be fired pls.”

Bonus: “I miss hockey.”

Sometimes I wonder...

…if I will ever outgrow giggling about double entendres in hockey interviews.

I mean, I really shouldn’t make fun of these guys…

…but then again…

…it’s so easy. And maybe they are even doing it on purpose? I mean…


Oh well, even if most of them are clueless little cinnamon buns, at least one of them knows exactly what he’s doing:

Hockey Returns vol. 100.  Excited!

Thoughts of a Hockey Penalty Box Attendant

  • ‘Get a job in the NHL they said, it’ll be fun they said, fuckin’ lied though didn’t they.’
  • 'Here comes our first prisone–I mean player.’
  • 'Why do you guys have to hit the glass with your sticks? Why? You could poke an eye out.’
  • 'Oh no, no no no, not the camera– damnit, we just got a new one.’
  • 'How many times is this guy gonna get a penalty.’
  • 'Oh great, here comes another one. Joy.’
  • 'Okay guys, I’m running out of roo- okay honestly, I have no where to sit now.’
  • 'Ew, I just stepped in some sort of bodily fluid.’
  • 'Just once I’d like to see a fan come in the box circa Tie Domi. Just once.’
  • 'It’s a good thing there’s no hot mics in here. A sailor would blush after hearing some of this shit.’
  • 'Can–can you not try to continue the fight while in the pout palace? You’re basically in a glass case of emotion and no one can hear you but me.’
  • 'I will either go deaf from players yelling or fans. Probs both.’
  • 'I am the keeper of the bad children and I alone can release them from their prison.’
instagram

WHAT DID I JUST WATCH 😂
- M xx