the thought of talking to real life human beings at the moment scares me, im terrified. so much torment.

I dont know how to do this, I dont feel good enough, and its my own fault. I just cant though. Im not like them, I dont, I just cant, I cant even say it all, my lips feel restricted. 

Im not good for other human beings around me, nor my own family, I cant hold convocations anymore, I make things awkward, and the only time I feel comfortable if when I havnt had a shower in like 3 days, sitting behind this stupid screen not giving a fuck whether or not the hair on my legs is 1cm long not caring if I dont have make up on or whether my breath smells, I dont want to associate with people, I dont want to look at people, I havnt really talked to my brother or mum in a week, I just ignore them and tell them to be quite, or tell them we will talk later, I go to bed early, im not motivated for any of this. 

well everyone seems to be in the exact same boat none of us know what we are doing and no one studies etc.. the difference you wonder between these people and I, they are getting credits and distinctions… im failing… every single class.. and yeah you would think that would make me want to try harder, but really I just want to quite. the only thing I can actually do is sing… Im not good at anything but that, and then even some days, im not good enough for that.

Im so fucking blank about everything and everyone, I want to meet someone I just click well with and things to go well from there… 

I dont try to get people to like me what so ever because I know I dont have a chance with anyone that is into the same stuff I am into and that is attractive…

then I ask myself… attractive? really? its like I think im good enough to be with someone attractive.

I dont just look for that stuff in people all that physical shit, but there has to be some physical attraction, I prefer a guy who can make me laugh and who will listen to me most of all.

Im basically attracted to all females.. same goes for them too, I just want that special something, a click, I want it to feel right, I dont want to have to ask myself if what I am doing is wrong.

I always seem to attract the problemed people, Id say thats because I give a fuck and only want the best for people. 

I dont like complaining like this, putting it out on a website… but at the same time its not pointless, I think that maybe if I post my feelings about shit, with hopes that someone is feeling the same and then they can read what I write to know they are not the only one going through depression etc..

Ive been having panic attacks lately

I dont really like being in the public. Its starting to scare me every man reminds me that my father is still alive and it takes my breath away and makes me instantly freak out, I lose sense of what is going on around me…. I feel sick and fight back tears.

I pre ordered Born Villain today. so excited to get it.

Marilyn, you are the only man that dosnt make me feel sick to my stomach.
how can such talent and intelligence exist. 

Okay im not going back through what I just wrote so sorry if things dont make sense or there is weird spelling.

bye im tired.