What If I Didn't Meet You That Day

No, the correct question should be “What if you didn’t try to get my number that day?” Because honestly, our meeting was purely coincidental, and if you didn’t try to snap tons of pictures of me and talk to me, I wouldn’t have noticed your presence anyway.

But you did. You took your chances. And I couldn’t help but think of the answer to the question stated above. You know what? I think time would’ve just passed by without leaving any significant mark whatsoever in my life. Even if you still died in that freak-Harley accident two years ago, it wouldn’t have had any impacts on me, on my life.

How it’s like, there’s this invisible line that separates my life: before you died, when everything was all about butterflies and all things nice, and after you died, when everything turned blue and blah.

You see, I’ve changed a lot since then. I’m no longer the same person I was when we were together. It’s been almost two years since I last fell in love, and it frustrates me sometimes how I can’t even remember how it feels like.

If I could have it my way, I’d wish you’d never set the bar too high for everyone else and make it harder for me to start anew. Then again, you did, and I can’t do shit about it because you meant the world to me, in fact, you still do.

However, I have no regrets. I couldn’t think of any better way to spend 21 months of my life than with you, Iwan. I’m so grateful God gave me a chance to be with you. I miss you, baby. Hope you’re doing okay up there. :)

There are days when our old photographs bring joy and smile to my face; There are times when it really feels like they stab me right in my chest all over again, just like when I took that call.

The Best Boss Anyone Could Ever Have

I never worked for him, obviously, but I know for sure that he was THE best Boss. Because he coached people―not just those who actually worked for him―and he was the kind of leader who found a way to make his people do what they could do, rather than punished them for what they couldn’t.

I remember that time, when I asked him what his purpose in life was, and he simply said it was to be a bridge between talent and opportunities. And he actually meant it.

I miss him. I miss my love.

I still remember.

How it felt to hug you. How we fit into each other’s arms. How it felt to press my chest against yours. How it felt to trace my fingers on your back. How it felt to not want to be the first to let go.

How it felt to kiss you. How our lips locked. How amazing our kisses were, we never seemed to get enough of them. How you always sighed at the end of it, and looked me in the eye, telling me you loved me too much.

How it felt to let myself fall so deep for you, it almost drowned me, it almost killed me. How it felt to lose you. How it felt to be the one who had to watch you go. How it felt to be the one whose world came crashing down, without anyone to save me.

How it warmed my heart to see you smile. How we always had fun when we were together. How we laughed. How we shared the giggles and the tears. Everything.

I remember it all. I still do. I still remember. I keep you in my heart. I always will.

Day 952

It’s almost 2 am and I still can’t sleep. My mind can’t stop thinking about Iwan, about all the good and bad times we’d shared.

August isn’t that far anymore and soon enough it’s gonna be 3 years after his passing. Time flies, but my heart stays.

I still miss him, so much that it hurts, even after all this time. I feel so lonely at times, not gonna lie. I know it sounds crazy and some of you wouldn’t even have approved of the idea, but he was all I wanted.

I’ve been going on a dating spree and to be honest, I’m exhausted. My mistake is that I keep trying to find someone who can fill in this gigantic void. I keep failing, obviously, because Iwan is that irreplaceable.

I loved him then, and I love him still, truth be told. He’s not the kind of person, definitely not the kind of boyfriend, I can easily get over.

He’d ruined everything for me by setting the bar way too high for everyone else. Despite his flaws and his mistakes, I know for a fact that he loved me best. I think I’d finally come to terms with not finding someone who can make me feel the way he did, with being single for the rest of my life.

I miss him. Life is pretty shitty without him.