peace and smile company

Taming Birds

Well, if you know anything about me you know I have a bad habit of writing stuff and then just sitting on it like a giant protective and sarcastic bird.  I wrote this back in.. seriously, July?  Ok, I’m pushing it out of the nest, finally.

Cullen x Inquisitor - very early, pre-relationship, pre-Skyhold

Read here on AO3

Cullen emerged from his tent, muscles sore and barking their protests.  Another night of sweat and panic had swept his energy, his mood, and his health from his grasp.  He stood in the purple twilight of morning, rubbing his tired eyes to chase away the sleep that whispered so sweet in his ears.  He knew better than to fall for that saccharine song.  It would only hold more torment and terror.   It was better to begin his day and find things to occupy his mind than lie in that tiny cot and contemplate.  He reached back into the tent and grabbed the hunk of bread left beside the meal he had poked at last night.

Even his toes felt tired and cramped as he journeyed away from the little collection of tents outside the city walls.  The sun was just beginning to peek its way through the weak canopy of the winter battered trees.  Its newly woken rays warmed his chilled flesh, but he wished it could penetrate deeper to where he felt his bones were made of ice, ice that chipped away at his joints and made him feel years beyond his true age.

Only steps away from the camp he stopped, pausing to bask a moment in the growing beams of sunlight that struggled over the horizon.  Despite the warmth, his breath puffed into the air and crystallized into little clouds.

He tore off bits of the bread and cast it in a wide net around himself.  Within minutes a party of little birds danced around him, hopping and flapping after the crumbs he tossed out.  He found himself smiling at their peaceful company.  They wanted only this small morsel of food and nothing more from him.  In fact, if he moved too quickly or tried to approach them they would wing away, only to return moments later.  He savored the simplicity.

The birds reminded him of childhood.  They reminded him of Ferelden. And not in that painful stabbing way that remembering his family and his voluntary absence from them caused.  These small creatures reminded him of expansive forests, of skinned knees, and of fanciful adventures. Their subtle song brought back warm evening nights and early mornings. He sighed and felt some of the tension from the previous night ebb away.

But eyes were on him.  The hair on the back of his neck rose.  He froze for a moment.  If he jerked his head to try and locate the person watching him the birds would fly away, alerting the stranger.  Instead, he maintained that composed, careful observation of his avian company, chancing a casual glance that spoke only of a man enjoying the outdoors on a brisk early morning.

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You Have BPD

A/N: Okay so I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which is a mental illness and I never see imagines about people like me. In fact I never see imagines about people with mental disorders other than depression, anxiety and sometimes schizophrenia. I think that, since it’s quite a rare illness (about 1.1% of the general population), people should be more informed about it. It causes dramatic mood swings (not unlike bipolar), impulse and anger issues, fear of abandonment (often an irrational fear, such as calling people a ridiculous amount of times, to ensure they’re being faithful, or getting angry when someone cancels plans), depression, self harm, paranoia and difficulty accepting and identifying one’s self. BPD patients also find it difficult to see the whole picture. It’s called splitting. You either see someone as brilliant, incapable of doing something wrong, or you see them as the spawn of Satan, rarely an in between. Sometimes your views of people shift, one day someone is brilliant, the next they’re awful. It’s all to do with emotional and mental instability. I find it difficult to behave in a way that’s considered socially acceptable. I swear a lot, say stuff I don’t mean, find it difficult to share my emotions and basically I’m often mistaken for a bitch (I swear I’m not, I love yooouu!!). Actually, have any of you seen Silver Linings Playbook? It’s what the character Tiffany had. It’s obviously a lot easier over the Internet, as I can think about what to say and rewrite it if necessary. I’ll mention the symptom I’m writing about at the beginning of each preference. If you guys don’t like this preference, I’m sorry. I wanted to write it, partly for myself, but so you guys can be more informed on the issue. Please enjoy 😊.

Luke: (Fear of abandonment) You and Luke had both wanted to go out for dinner tonight. You’d chosen a beautiful strapless dress, ready for the night. On the morning of the date, just after you finished showering, you got a call from Luke.
“Hi babe!” you giggled down the line.
“Listen babe, I’m so sorry but I’m going to have to cancel tonight. I’m-” You didn’t let him finish. That was all you needed. You threw your phone down, chucked on your dress and paced angrily out the door. You drove quickly to Luke’s and barged through the door. You saw him sat on the sofa, piles of tissues surrounding him. You chucked your bag down and stood in front of him, blocking the TV.
“HEY!” you yelled.
“Uh, hi?” Luke asked in confusion.
“HI? THAT’S WHAT YOU SAY AFTER BLOWING ME OFF? DO YOU THINK THAT’S AN OKAY THING TO DO? MAKE PEOPLE FEEL SPECIAL AND THEN WALK ALL OVER THEM?” You were fuming, you didn’t stop to question the irrationality of your actions.
“Y/N I’m really sorry, I’m sick. I was about to tell you but you hung up.” he said, still unsure as to what he’d done wrong. It was then that you realised how unfair you were being. You groaned and closed your eyes, covering your face with your hands.
“I’m so sorry Luke, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, it’s the BPD.”
He smiled a small smile, pulling you into his lap.
“It’s fine babe, don’t worry. Now, how about we cuddle whilst watching films?”

Calum: (Impulse and Anger) The 5sos boys and you were on a radio tour. You’d spent the night in a hotel in America, only to be awoken by a swarm of fans crowding the hotel car park. Management said they’d be able to get a car through the crowds if you could get through the fans to the gate. You were all ready to head to the interview, Calum tangling his fingers with yours.
“Just stay close babe.” he smiled. As you started to make your way through the crowd, the fans all moved to get a better view of the boys knocking you a bit. It was then that you started to hear some of the negative comments directed at you.
“Why the hell is Calum with her?”
“Ugly little thing isn’t she?”
Your head snapped up, searching for whoever was poking fun at you. You spotted a girl, about your height and age, stood with a group of boys. You let go of Calum’s hand and pushed through the people to get to her.
“What the hell did you just say?!”
you yelled angrily, getting close to her face.
“Whoa! The bitch can bite!” the girl sniggered. Right before you were about to swing for her, you felt a pair of strong arms grip your waist. It was Calum, he was carrying you through the crowd, as you kicked and screamed in rage. When you made it to the car, he pretty much had to throw you into the backseat.
“Babe I know it’s hard but you can’t snap like that.” he told you calmly.
“I know but I hate her!! What gives her the right to talk about me like that?!” you shouted, your hands punching the back of the seats.
“I know babe, I know.” Calum soothed, gently rubbing your back.

Ashton: (Mood Swings) You and Ashton had had a brilliant night. It was your anniversary and he had taken you out to a beautiful restaurant on the pier. There were barely any people around so you could enjoy each other’s company in peace. You smiled and laughed the whole night, talking about whatever you wanted. At the end of the evening, you took a stroll down the beach, admiring the twinkling diamonds in the sky. You’d never been happier, and when you and Ashton stumbled into bed at the end of the night, you felt content with your life. You lay on top of him, giggling and poking his grinning face.
“Do you want me to pick up those new BPD meds tomorrow?” Ashton asked. Your smile vanished.
“What?” you asked, using a voice of anger and disbelief that, unfortunately, Ashton knew only too well.
“Oh no baby, I didn’t mean it like that, I mean-”
“Ashton why the fuck would you ask that?!” you yelled, jumping off him as he sat up. “I was fucking happy before you ruined it! You think I’m crazy don’t you?! You think I need those meds!” By now you were screaming furiously.
“No, Y/N, please.” He said, stepping towards you.
“GET AWAY FROM ME!” You screamed, angry tears rushing down your face. You kicked the mirror in rage as Ashton flinched. The silence after the mirror smashed was an uncomfortable one. You stood, your hands in fists as you quickly breathed in and out, your nostrils flaring. Ashton noticed the sudden sadness in your eyes and moved towards you, letting you collapse into his arms and cry.
“I-I’m so sorry.” You whispered.

Michael: (Paranoia) You sat at the dark wooden table; your hands linked together, your eyes burning holes into the wall in front of you. He was with her wasn’t he? That girl he kept talking to. You can’t believe you ever trusted him. You knew he was cheating on you. All the press said he was, it must be true. You heard the door open and you saw Michael enter. You didn’t move, you didn’t even blink, you were simply trying to suppress the burning anger and sadness bubbling up inside you.
“Hi babe!” he said cheerfully. You can’t believe you fell for that voice. He furrowed his brow. Why weren’t you talking to him?
“You alright babe?” he asked in concern. Still, no response. He sat opposite you. “Babe?”
“If you want to leave me just say so.” your hoarse voice whispered.
“What are you talking about? Why would I want to leave you?” he questioned.
“I know you do, I’m not stupid. It’s everywhere: the magazines, the Internet, TV.” you said, a tear slowly trickling down your cheek.
“Listen to me babe,” he said grabbing your face and forcing you to look into his eyes, “I love you. No one else. How could I leave you? You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met in my life. I’ve never loved someone as much as I love you.” You choked on your breath and let your tears roll dow your cheeks. Michael grabbed you, pulling you close into his chest, not caring about anything but you.

A/N: Helloo! Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed. Sorry again if this isn’t a very good preference, just thought I’d write it anyway.

  • Aoi: the Yoyogi DVD & BluRay, a satisfying outcome _:(;'Θ' ;;」 ∠):_
  • Aoi: but why do band guys who hand out flyers (after concerts) never give them to guys...? 

  • maaaakes meeee saaaad.
Aoi: yeh, I went to see SCREW*. there aren’t many people I can call Kouhai** so it makes me sad (to see them break up). they’ve struggled so much for 10 years so I wonder what they thought about everything they saw and experienced today. the first time we went to get something to eat with them, we told them to go ahead and enter but they had all waited for us outside. and all of them had snow piling up on their faces.
  • Aoi: just because I was in this business a little bit before them, didn’t mean I could give them any good advice, but they’d still turn to me and consult me about things, that was very sweet. when I think about how they will be going down a different path as us starting today, I just couldn’t watch. 

  • I wonder if there really is a Godー.
  • Aoi: btw, we can’t do bon:craz*** anymore! Chiyu isn’t there anymore, Hiroto isn’t there anymore, even Kazuki and Jin-chan....
  • maybe it’s finally time for me to move on as well (_・ω・)_hmmm...****
  • Aoi: well, surely some day, somewhere, I wanna stand on the same stage with them again. 
until then I’ll be with the GazettE in the dazzling, bright lights, waiting for that day.
  • sorry for tweeting in the middle of the night.
  • good night, everyone.
  • Aoi: lately my heart has been really uneasy.
of course there is also fun stuff but there are a lot of painful and difficult things going on. fucking hell. why is thatー?
  • *SCREW had their last concert yesterday.
  • **Kouhai is the opposite of Senpai (in case it’s not already clear), so basically junior and senior. 

  • ***aoi with bon.craz, a session band with the members
  • Aoi (the GazettE, vo. & gt.)
  • Hiroto (Alice Nine, gt.)
  • Kazuki (SCREW, gt.)
  • Chiyu (SuG, ba.)
  • Jin (SCREW, dr.)
  • who performed (exclusively Hide songs) at the PS Company Peace and Smile Carnival 7 days in 2011. 

  • ****I think, he means that they’re not at PS Company anymore and that maybe he should move away from them as well (but I’m not sure if that’s really what he means).
PSC, seriously?

I just need to get something of my chest.
PSC wants to forbid us from posting any media (pictures, interviews, music).
Tell me, how is deleting all media of a band from the internet going to promote them?
So many people discovered the bands trough youtube etc.
No, the band doesnt make profit from the youtube video with their song itself BUT it makes other people hear their music, and more people will buy.
I’m not saying that FC things should be shared freely, but I think its stupid to say that we shouldnt be allowed to have pictures, interviews and their music on the internet.

Its not easy being an overseas fan, we hardly get any lives here, its hard to get hands on albums and magazines, we can’t join the GazettE’s HERESY, most of us dont even understand what the hell they are saying 80% of the time but we still keep supporting the bands because we love them, so

PLEASE, let us have our internet platforms where we can fangirl over our idols and meet other fans.
It’s pretty much the only thing we have.

This is going to be my quick little rant.

Its simple really.

everything in the world revolves around money.

You want heresy access?

save up your fucking money and get it.

you want fanclub access?

save up your fucking money and get it.

you want the fanclub magazine?

save up your fucking money and get it.

you want to see aoi spamming his blog?

save up your fucking money and get it.


We work hard to pay for the things that we want.

Dont think we are “lucky” because we can afford these things.

My legs hurt so much after work, i have to scrub big machinary and i have previously been called in at work at 6:30 AM

If you dont have a job and your parents wont spend $100 for a band, bad luck.

but im sure you have a birthday? you get christmas presents? have a bunch of crap in your room you can sell?

If this membership means so much to you that you are going cause drama then do something better with your time and work towards GETTING THE MEMBERSHIP.

Quit your whining and stop making other members look bad.

i should celebrate new years on the 3rd of march

how could i ever have wanted to sell my peace and smile carnival dvd?

miyavi, gazette, kagrra, kra, screw, sug, you made me all so happy just now

how could i ever doubt my love for them

i loved it to look for interviews of mivayi and spend time with the lj comm that mocks alice nine

those were the times *_*

…can’t really approve of what they are doing now though

but bands of 2007, 2008, 2009  didn’t we have a great time?