I do not like the feeling of being a borderline.
I do not like the feeling of abandonment.
this fake abandonment,
I’ve constructed in my head,
this abandoned building in my chest that I beg people to live in
but when they do I kick them out
because nobody deserves to have to fix this poor collapsing excuse for a house.
I know you haven’t left, but you havent told me you loved me in three hours, ten minutes, and 32, 33, 34 seconds so how am I supposed to know the difference?
I do not like these mood swings
I do not like spending hours of my night covering every mirror in a blanket and covering every tastebud in burning alcohol only to wake up loving every thing about me
taking down all the fleece to realise that the happy me that decides to drop in just enough to always be missed
is not the me that reflects in the mirror
I do not even know who that me is
I do not like the feeling of being a work in progress
I’m taking traits and ideas and hobbies straight from other people’s identities and hoping they dont notice when i suddenly become exactly who they want me to be
“we have so much in common” not unless you, too, sit up every night praying to a god you dont believe in to let you give up because theres no reason to live but theres no reason to die either because theres no person here at all
I do not like this disorder
but if someone told me there was a solution
I don’t know if I would take it
because this lack of identity is my only identity and this empty shelter in my chest is the only home I’ve ever known
I do not like the feeling of being me
not-shitty idea: a show with an ASPD character who.. get this.. isn’t in the show because they’re a mass murderer.
Alternatively, a non abusive NPD character, or just a character with a personality disorder who isn’t written to be an antagonist.