Can we hear more stories? Because your stories are the best.
ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS I’VE GOT A GOOD ONE FOR YOU WE FINALLY CONVINCED ERIC THAT THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT SACABAH
So first things first if you want to know how to say “SACABAH” out loud, go out and find a Culver’s, get a triple bacon deluxe, eat a full tray of pot brownies, wait half an hour, try to shove that entire goddamn burger in your mouth at once, then try to scream “SOCK COMBAT” at the top of your lungs with your mouth full. This is how Josh came up with the idea of SACABAH and it was our last resort for settling roommate disputes.
Basically in the hell pit that was our apartment, we would sprint through a short list of solutions and discussions to solve any problems between us before we arrived at SACABAH.
If one of the disputers was that week’s King of the Cock (determined by a weekly tournament in a randomly selected EA Sports game and designated by the possession of a giant pink dildo glued to the end of a walking stick), they were automatically right
Talk it out like the adults we regularly told our parents we were.
Roommate vote, incredibly ineffective because there was an even number of us
If none of these steps led to a solution we moved on to SACABAH which also had a lot of rules, mainly because of previous instances of SACABAH where we didn’t have some of these rules.
Combat was held in the living room. If you left the living room you forfeit.
Combatants must wear protective headgear, a mouth guard, and a cup. Gloves are optional, but recommended, and additional protective gear will be allowed on the basis of how cool it looks.
Combatants are allowed one sock of their choosing, filled with a substance of their choosing.
The sock can be attached to the end of a pole or stick to increase range, but each time you strike your opponent with your pole it is a foul. 4 fouls and you forfeit.
You may bring 2 items from your room to place strategically in the living room as either cover or as a hazard.
No using noncombatants as shields.
No condoms. This was instituted after Josh put on a condom and tried to cock slap Paul for 25 minutes. Fun fact, it’s pretty hard to stay hard when you’re trying to cock slap someone as they swing a sock full of marbles at you, so Josh was also furiously masturbating for those 25 minutes.
No putting the socks over your own body. This was made surprisingly not after the cock slap incident but after Josh bought thigh highs so that he could literally kick the shit out of Eric.
All weapons have to be approved by at least 2 of the noncombatant roommates. This was because of the cock slap incident as well.
No going full Canadian. This was instituted after I filled a hockey sock with pucks and tied it to the end of a hockey stick and became unstoppable for two weeks. Every time I participated in SACABAH I tried to go full Canadian again but I was shot down, except for one time, and that’s what this story is about.
One song played on loop until the fight ended. This was our original song choice until THIS came out and we decided to alternate between the two match by match, technically three if you include the Gaeilge version.
No grabbing your opponent by the balls. That’s an automatic forfeit.
Fights go until someone forfeits, someone surrenders, or 3 of 4 judges declare a combatant unable to continue.
So in like March, Eric and I had a pretty significant issue with each other because of some incorrect relationship decisions he had made. He was dating one of my exes, which normally for us wasn’t a big deal, but she had cheated on me twice and then dumped me when I called her on it, so there was pretty significant animosity between the two of us. The issue between Eric and I wasn’t about if he should date her or not; he’s a grown ass adult and is allowed to make his own terrible decisions. The issue was that I declared that she wasn’t allowed over ever because I never wanted to see her again and I didn’t trust her in my house, even with other people there. He thought I was overreacting, and I thought he was being an inconsiderate fuck. This led to the initiation of our dispute system which didn’t go well. Paul won our Madden tournament that week, so we had to actually compromise, which neither of us were willing to do, so we moved on to the vote. Kyle and Paul sided with me in the vote, but Brad thought this girl was nice, and Josh just wanted to watch us fight so we split the vote.
So two days after the vote, Eric and I gear up and meet in the living room where we all discover that he is literally the smartest one of all of us because he has two pool balls in a pair of stockings. He had made SACABAH nunchucks and it was fucking awesome.
So I had attempted to go full Canadian again, because obviously why not and Josh and Kyle argued that if we were to allow fucking nunchucks I should be allowed to use my favorite. Plus, Josh pointed out that if Eric got within 3 feet of me I was basically fucked because I wasn’t allowed to hit him with the stick, which was something that literally none of the guys had thought of before that moment.
I lived with geniuses.
So we go to our corners in the living room and Brad reminds us of the rules and we begin our fight. We both come out of our corners and immediately I wind up and swing as hard as I possibly can at Eric’s knees, because 1 I am an asshole and 2 I genuinely wanted to hurt him.
I catch him on the inside of his left knee and his leg literally snaps out from underneath him. I took him out in one swing, and he had been talking for three days about how he was going to fuck me up.
Anyways, Eric is on the ground crying because I just destroyed his leg with a sock full of pucks and I’m parading around the apartment roaring at the top of my lungs because I won and that means I needed to celly and after like 20 minutes of me gloating like a fuck we load him into Paul’s truck and drive him to the hospital and he gets a big ass cast on his leg because I broke his femur and we get back home at like 12:45 and he left his phone in the apartment and he has like a dozen texts from this girl.
She was talking about how he was a great guy and she was having fun but she didn’t like his friends (read: me) and she knew that if she told him to choose between her and us that he would always pick us so she was “making the decision for him” and breaking up with him and she sent him all of this literally an hour after we got to the hospital.
That was literally 4 years ago and Josh and I still to this day regularly ask him if he remembers the time I broke his leg over a girl that dumped him two hours later.