past-entry

Spotlight troll 26

This week was a more quiet one but at least we got past the 10 entry mark! Thank you so much to everyone who entered and remember that if you didn’t quite get to finish before this announcement you’re always welcome to post your contribution late (:

Welcome the next star of the week…

Alliry Enilta!

Creator url: technologicallibrarian
Additional Information: Profile like on my (now inactive) fantroll blog is here and tag on my blog is here. Basically, she’s a childish dork who loves explosives and exploring. Also SUPER friendly towards most other trolls, and she loves meeting new trolls.
Preferences: No NSFW because I’m a minor, but I don’t mind anything bloody/gory!
Special Request: Something with her and some explosives, or maybe something with her kismesis Harlia. You could even draw her making friends with one of your own OCs!

You have until next Sunday, March 8th to enter!

This will be the tag for the raffle entry art this week.

Our about page is over here, in case you’re confused about this or want more information!

- Mod Pep

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joker week [2/7] - which joker incarnation do you prefer and why

Incredible. They really outdid themselves with this penthouse suite. The bathroom has three kinds of soap! I mean, who has time for all that cleaning!? I usually just hop into a vat of acid and call it a day.

i don’t really know why i prefer arkham!joker. he just grew on me. in the same way a wart does, really, but i still love him.

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Dean Winchester's Journal
Season Ten - Episode Three

I meant to leave this journal on the side of the road somewhere on I-80. I meant to toss it out the window somewhere outside of Cheyenne. At a Gas N’ Sip on the outskirts of Rapid City, I finally just threw it in the trunk. This journal…it’s filled, page by page, with the story of a dying man. Months and months of beggin’ for a way out. Until I was finally free. I was free and I was done, but the story in these pages…all of it…followed me everywhere I went.

Back then I was a human, but all I saw was a monster. Because I destroyed everything I had and everyone I loved. Out of selfishness. Because I couldn’t let go. Until I finally just mercifully died. I died. And then I was alive again, Blade in my hand, hungry, and just…nothing.There was nothing. Nothing to hold on to anymore. I was a demon, and all I saw was freedom.

But this..this whole fucking collection of my own words..it followed me everywhere. Everywhere. It followed me across the country and it followed me all the way back here. I was a man who wanted to die, then I was demon that wanted the past to die, and now…now I don’t know what I am, who I am. But this entire story - my freakin’ story - is still chained to me, and I’m sentenced to carry it no matter what I choose to be.

You know, I used to read The Christmas Carol to Sam when we were kids. The ghost of Ol’ Marley used to scare the shit out of him. I kind of always liked the guy…because he was honest. He built his fate on his greed, he chose it, and he carried it. Forever. I get that. My past is chained to me, built link by link, out of my own free will, out of my choices, out of my selfishness. And I carry it - link by link, page by fucking page - forever, because I chose this. Because there is no mercy, there is no freakin’ rest. All there is… All I got is a third chance at life, to struggle in vain to make up for the last two chances I wasted, to do some fucking good before the lights go out.

The past is past. And nothing I do can change it. But I still gotta carry it. And I know everyone around me, whether I’m a man or a monster, can see every single link of that fucking chain.

Six weeks. Six weeks I was a demon. A Knight of Hell. I was powerful, indestructible. I can’t even begin to describe what having that kind of power feels like. Mostly because in the midst of the trip, of the high - whether it was from a kill or from being drunk off my ass - I still felt everything. I had the moon at my fingertips, but I was still completely powerless against the absolute friggin emptiness inside me. Maybe made-demons don’t have that problem. I haven’t exactly stopped to ask. But I was reborn a demon. I was an empty man. And I became an empty fucking demon with limitless fucking power. I wanted freedom and I wanted vengeance. From my past and from the people I loved in that life that brought me here. Blaming them for everything was easy then. Killing Sam…that was an inspired idea. I figured: kill the kid that was the reason behind every wrong choice you ever made, and break every single link of the chain that bound you to your humanity and be free.

And I would have done it. I didn’t care. Almost every link of that chain led back to Sam and I wanted it gone. I would have killed him like I killed all those other sad sons of bitches because it was supposed to mean nothing to me. It was supposed to mean nothing. I’ll never know what I thought I was gonna feel - what kind of high I was gonna get from being free at fucking last. I’ll never know because Cas stepped in. And he saved Sam. And he probably saved me, too. Again. Because from where I sit now, looking back on everything I did in those six freakin’ weeks - I’m not so sure that it would’ve meant nothing. I don’t know anymore. I guess it shouldn’t matter. I’m human now. I shouldn’t even be trying to think like a demon. All I know is that in that moment, with Cas’ arms wrapped around me, holding me back, holding me back from killing my own fucking brother - my brother who could never kill me to save himself - I felt everything. I felt no fucking mercy. And I felt every single link of that goddamned chain. And I choked on it.

There is no freedom for monsters like me.

A few days ago, Crowley asked me what I was - a demon or a human. Pick a side. I was demon then, and I’m…I dunno. I guess I’m human now. Human with an inhuman Mark that is probably gonna drive me right the fuck off the Cliffs of Insanity all over again.

But really, the answer is the same now as it was then. It’s always been the same answer, mostly dead or mostly alive:

I’m what I need to be.

I’m what I need to be because that’s how I survive. I’m here - alive, sitting on my own bed, putting my pen to friggin paper - because I’m who I need to be when I need to be it. A brother, a friend, a hero, a devil - the label doesn’t matter, because I can adapt and I can survive.

But surviving ain’t living. And in the end, I don’t know who or what the fuck I am.

I want to be good. I want to matter. I want to make a difference. I want to be someone. I want to be a hero. I want to be wanted.

I just don’t know how.

The Road So Far


The Past


I used to think you were the world to me
Now
The thought of our past and what you’ve done
Fills me with only hate
Every day I’m reminded of you
No
I think about you
Not because I miss you
But because I remind myself
How little I actually meant to you
I thought you were the one
I was willing to do anything to make you happy
My happiness came from your happiness
Your sadness was my sadness
Your worries were my worries
I was there for you
I didn’t care if you couldn’t give me anything in return
The feeling of spending time with you was always enough
All I can do now
Is question whether
Anything was real

                                                     -GMØ

▹ journal entry
august 2010

i feel weird about writing something in here. i mean, the room is still spinning but i guess i needed to write something because i cant go to him to talk about what happened. what the hell just happened?????? i dont know i dont wanna talk about it, i guess i’m just…i’m so confused. why did he kiss me, i mean i’m sure he doesn’t like guys. i dont like…guys. i just…ugh i dont know. i just just burn this journal entry. i should. but i wont. yeah im weak. im sure in a few years if i read this im going to laugh and just tell this is a fucking nightmare. yes, nightmare. not dream. definitely not a dream. i dont like daehyun like that. shut up. why did u do that man? you got me so confused. we blame the alcohol, yes that’s it. its a perfect excuse. damn i hurt, my whole body hurts now. fuck. im never drinking again. no. and no i do not like daehyun that way. no. never. good angry night.

Snippets from a blog my 15 year old self wrote:

On my lifestyle whenever summer rolls around

What kind of people become Computer Potatoes?
Usually the people who have challenged social lives (Uhm, me?), people who consider the internet as their “Best Friend” (Most definitely like me) and people who can sometimes (or often times) be anti-social.”

On blogging just for the sake of having something to talk about, no matter how mundane.

“I love writing blog entries but heck. My last entry was February 13. And that was about me going to a wet market and experiencing things I haven’t really experienced before (i.e. playing with oysters) It’s kinda sad.”

On my journey into becoming a wannabe scene girl.

“Supposed to get my hair colored today. But sadly… YES, SADLY… there aren’t salons in the area that have pink dye! STUPID! They’re frickin’ salons! they should have lime green and electric blue, for punk’s sake!”

(I legit said “for punk’s sake” and I still stand by it. I’m thankful for online shops like FunkyStreaks who actually cater to my and a bunch of other people’s needs for hair dyes now.)

On my love for a band and priorities.

“You see, today I was supposed to go to school at around 9:30 AM and then attend the awarding ceremony thing for the honors and people who got special awards. The teacher told our class president to call up students and inform them about today and she did that a few days ago calling me up and saying that I should go to school on April 8 at 9:30 AM because I had an “award”. She never did say an “honor” so I thought I was just accepting some LAME-O award like “most improved” or the “early bird” award (for not being late) but I ended up not going because I was setting some priorities straight…” (As it turns out a few paragraphs later, my priorities consisted of staying home and watching a live telecast of Simple Plan’s interview. PRIORITIES.)

On the differences of writing a blog and essays. (It’s true though, screw essays, man.)

 ”Writing in BLOGS is my thing… Writing ESSAYS, however, is one thing I hate!”

On Hilary Duff’s words of wisdom and coping with teenage issues.

"Hilary Duff was right… In a moment everything can change…’

On teachers and their similarities to past dictators.

 ”I keep wishing she’d give birth already. :) Not so there’s a new life that’ll add up to the worlds population, but also because… she can get plain annoying… She’s become Hitler reincarnated in maternity clothes.”

These snippets were from my Blogspot account, which I have an archive of on Blogspot but the website doesn’t exist anymore. It’s so funny reading through the entries and laughing at how silly and immature I was. God, I’ve come along way, I’d like to think. I think I had total Jenna Hamilton vibes too, except my blog design was 100x better, of course, due to the fact that it was a My Chemical Romance theme I had made for myself. Hah. Yeah, I was that cool at 15. Totes.

Joker Week Day 2 - Which Joker incarnation you prefer and why

My favorite Joker, aesthetically speaking, is probably Carlos D’Anda’s. I just can’t imagine him without the green hair and white skin. He’s always perfectly posed, and as for expression, there is never a dull moment. The colors are fantastic and wonderfully varied. And of course, who am I to say no to a guy who draws the Joker shirtless and covered in bruises? ;)

More Past Entries

Here are more previous posts. 

Day 35: Aug. 7 - Sore Over Easy - Rest Day

Just taking it easy today, since my toe, ankle, and shins were killing me on the last run, I have been icing them. Frozen Peas and I have been the best of friends for a while. Mom and I decided that instead of doing a 5 K this weekend, we would just try to run a 6 miles again on Saturday.

I do not want to injure myself, and then have to rest longer because I neglected to take care of my body’s needs. 

Day 36: Aug. 8 - Mission Get Grove Back - 4.1 miles

The run was alright today. After icing my foot for  a day, I thought everything would be back to normal. However, at the one mile mark, the pain came back, but not as strong like on Saturday. I do not know what is going on! Sometimes I think it is mental, because the pain goes away after a while, but if I am really hurting, I do not want to do any damage. 

I just kept running, since my big toe was the only sore, or having that uncomfortable twinge feeling. Also, since the pain did not travel up to my ankle and shins, I felt like I could finish running. 

After a while, like at 1.75 miles, the pain completely stopped. Which is crazy, making the last of my run comfortable, despite the fact that I still was not in the groove to run. It also made me feel crazy, thinking my body is playing mental games with me. because who really knows what is really going on! 

I will continue to ice it, and I read online when I searched    ’Pain in big toe when running’ , that I should heat it, so the blood can get to the area. Putting ice on the pain area is usually for swelling. 

I will keep trying heal my big toe back together, in hopes that I can run on Saturday.

Day 37: Aug. 9 - Funk - 2.23 miles

Still in that crazy funk. 

Despite that the weather was very humid this morning, I did not feel like running again. Today was 2 mile run, easy, basically a warm up. Nice 20 minute run. I should have no problem with this. 

She helped push me to finish today. The air was dry mixed with the negative thoughts, were exhausting. 

Whatever is going on, I want to get back on rhythm.  Maybe I have just hit a runner’s block. I want to run. I want to complete a marathon. I just need to get over this hill, and I will. 

Day 38: Aug. 10 - Better But, Not Quite - 4.1 miles

It was humid, again. What else would you expect from the dry summer.

I could not keep up with mom at all today. I was struggling. I had heated my foot again like crazy. Told Mom that I would probably not be able to run on Saturday because my toe was aching again. 

I was running slow, which I have been for a couple of weeks down. Then it came to me, maybe I am not running my pace. I told Mom, “I think it is time we run at different paces, because I just cannot keep up with you anymore, and I feel pressured to do so. I just think you are naturally faster than me. ” Of course she said if that I can slow down if I needed, but she did not think that was the issue. She thinks it is all mental.

I just pushed through it, and eventually the pain went away again. 

I am going to completely stay off of my foot the couple of days I have before running on Saturday.

So, no more tennis after runs!

Day 39: Aug. 11 - Mission Get Over Funk - Rest/ Recuperate

Been heating and icing my toe and shines on and off all day. Took some Advil as well. So far so good. Maybe there is hope for the run. :)

Day 40: Aug. 12 - Mission Get Over Funk 2 - Recuperate / Bike 2.23 miles

Heated my foot earlier today. Then, I had some trouble with academics, that did not leave me too happy - disagreement with a professor. 

I ended up going to the library - on bike of course- to relieve some stress. The distance is two miles (to and from). Plus, I really wanted pick up my book, before it closed at 5pm. 

It was a nice little distractions, but the weather was extremely hot, 4 pm is the hottest time of the day. It was like 90 something degrees, crazy.

I ended up falling asleep around 5 pm. I did not eat dinner very well that day either.

I woke up around 10:30pm, and could not get back to sleep until 4 AM. 

Good thing though — my foot was not aching. 


I ain’t even about this life, but somehow this bloody manga makes every potential pairing absolutely adorable.

Main protag and cute girl? Adorable.
Side protag as girl and cute girl’s friend? Adorable.
Main protag as girl and cute girl’s brother? Adorable.
Main protag as girl(?) and fellow genderbending protag dude? Adorable.