Horoscopes by Gil Hizon - Week of October 1-7, 2017
Category is… All-Stars!
LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)
Let’s face it. You can be a manipulative ho who don’t give a
fuck how others feel or what other bitches wanna do with their time. But you
hide it sooo well that we usually have no idea whenever you pull the rug from
beneath us until it’s too late. Some queens are beginning to notice what lurks
beneath your charming façade. So, watch it, LIBBY!
SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)
It’s not everyday that the universe chooses to align with your
desires. Although you may feel guilty about taking advantage of this glorious
situation, I’m gonna need you to get over yourself and milk that shit for all
its worth. Every misfortune you’ve ever experienced in your life has converted
itself to karma coins. It’s time to collect. With interest, gurl.
SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
You’ve picked the best time to get your shit together, SAGGY.
Everyone else is in recovery mode from this past summer and most of the movers
and shakers around you have decided to just stay still. I know that you’re not
the most organized person out there, but if you just allow your strongest
desires to manifest themselves in front of yo ass, you’d have an easier time planning
your strategy around that.
CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)
You’re usually a shady bitch who likes to keep her biznits
hidden from errbody else. This week, this quiet confidence exists within you
and you’re just all about being transparent with your everyday dealings. I
think that’s swell and all, but you’d still want to keep a major side eye on anyone who
might want to take advantage of your “transparency.”
AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Usually, it’s enough for you to put your full belief on the shit
that you’re trying to sell us, but this week, that’s not gonna fly. Other
bitches have been used to your default mode that it’s gonna take a bit of
creativity and innovation in your part to get your “colorful” ideas across. There
is still room for you to surprise us, you just gotta dig deep within your bag
PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)
There is some shit bubbling within you which you’re more than
happy to unleash on any unsuspecting bystander. But, until you can fully grasp
the very specifics of what is bothering yo ass, I advice you to keep mum. Doing
the opposite will just increase the chances of you embarrassing yourself. The
more you stick to the facts, the less crazy we’ll think you iz when you finally
reveal your concerns.
ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)
There’s something about you that’s turning heads this week, and
gurl, it’s not that new deodorant you’re raving about. What bitches may be
seeing is a complete alignment of your soul and your physicality, and that shit
is manifesting itself in lots of ways – through your interactions with others
and just by the way you’re carrying yoself. Really hold on to that feeling of
unity, ‘coz this is definitely one of those “while-supplies-last” kind of gigs.
TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)
Sit yo ass down, Mary! Here’s the thing. You’ve been sooo busy
catering to other people’s shitty ass needs that you’re forgetting about
yourself. Remember –You? I think you’re afraid that actively pursuing your
desires will make you seem selfish to others. Well, let me free you from
yourself when I say that no one has any fucks to give what you do with your
spare time. It’s time to really pamper yourself, queen!
GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)
You have all this altruistic energy and you want to make sure
you’re spending it on a meaningful cause. But you’re so obsessed about making
sure that the cause you pick to champion is the right one that you’re actually
working counterproductively. Shed your worries about what others may think.
Pick the mission that feels right to you. Who cares if it don’t feel right for
KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
Oh gurl – you are all about the bonding experience this week
that you’re willing to grab anyone from your posse to make sure it happens.
You’re not even choosy about which ho to pick – it’s like any basic bitch would
do. I think that the best way for you to get your money’s worth is by trying to
find a like-minded ho who shares the same passion in digging into life’s
adventures the same way as you do.
LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)
Look, bitch. We get that you think you’re Christy Turlington
this week, but you might want to take it down a couple of notches. Bitches be
trying to concentrate on getting all their shits together and that’s becoming impossible to do when they keep seeing this loud, shiny queen at the corner
of their eyes. Always remember: what you do with your rampant flame has a
strong impact on others’ futures and sanity.
VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)
You’ve always been able to control a lot of factors in your
life. But the one thing yo ass can’t fully control is muthafucking people. And
their emotions. You can stomp your cute li’l heart out and throw
passive-aggressive temper tantrums, but in the end, people are people. Bitches
be bitches. They all have their own beliefs about what’s good for them. You
need to allow them to live their lives.
(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)
For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!