parties and shit

thanks for inviting me to the party. if you need me, i’ll be in the corner, drinking & trying not to make eye contact
welcome to the after party
where the girls are lost and the boys are pretty

where the hours are long and the night is old
where gods become men in the neon glow

leave your wings and halo before you come in
down here, we’re only interested in your sins
—  welcome to the after ( under ) party | l.x.
Typical

Context - the party are dungeon-delving into a rather mischievous vampire’s underground ‘lair’. They spot a door at the bottom of a pit.

DM: There’s a ladder you can climb down.

Rogue: Okay, I’ll go down and check for traps *succeeds*

DM: The ladder’s fine…

Rogue: I reach the bottom and yell up –.

DM: … but as your feet hit the floor, you trigger the trap hidden on the ground. Fireballs explode from all around you and those on the ladder.

*4d6 fire damage*

DM: Roll to keep hold of the ladder.

*NPC companion nat 1s*

DM: Anton falls and …

Rogue: FEATHER FALL!

 DM: … lands gently on the floor…….. triggering the trap again.

Party: FFS

*3d6 fire damage*

DM: Again, roll to keep hold.

*Ranger-druid fails and hits the ground*

Party: NO

*2d6 fire damage*

DM, gleefully: And again?

*Cleric fails and falls*

*1d6 fire damage*

DM, is far too happy: Once more?

*everyone succeeds and makes it down the ladder, but only because the trap is exhausted*

Party: *is totally wrecked and on its last legs purely because of fire and fall damage*

Rogue: *took absolutely no damage because of evasion* Well that wasn’t too bad. Let’s look at this door…

DM: The door is painted on the wall. You’re literally in a dead end pit.

Party: …………

Don't ever leave the table in the middle of an argument...

I’m DMing Pathfinder for a group of six players (around level 7) whose characters don’t really see eye-to-eye. They had just taken down a boss with a sleep arrow and were discussing whether they should kill him or let him live.

LG Monk (IC): I say we let him live. Killing him only makes us as bad as him. And anyway we need to question him.

Rogue (IC): But if we let him live nothing will change.

Oracle (IC): I agree.

LG Monk (IC): No. No I won’t let you. We’ll question him and take him to the guards.

OOC the guy who plays the monk goes to the bathroom.

While he is gone:

Rogue (OOC): Can I stealth and then make a Coup de Grace attempt on him without (LG Monk) seeing?

DM (Me): Oh my God, OK, give it a shot.

*Rogue proceeds to roll an insane Stealth check (somewhere in the 30s) and roll huge damage on the attack.*

DM (Me): *laughing* OK, Jesus, yeah. You fire an arrow straight into the unconscious man’s skull. He is well and truly dead.

The monk’s player returns to the table.

DM (Me): Hey, can I get you to make a perception check real quick.

LG Monk (OOC): (Assuming he’d just missed something) Yeah sure, that’s a uhhh… 16?

DM (Me): Yeah ok, never mind.

LG Monk (OOC): Right, I pick the man up and put him on my shoulder. We can take him somewhere safe to question him.

At this point the rest of the party is trying really hard to keep from laughing. The monk is getting suspicious.

LG Monk (OOC): Actually I’ll try to wake him up here. I give his face a slap.

DM (Me): As you go to slap his face you see the shaft of an arrow protruding from his skull, his face is covered in blood.

LG Monk (OOC): WHAT! (Looks at the people giggling around the table) I SENSE MOTIVE THE PARTY!!!

Everyone rolls terrible Bluff checks.

DM (Me): The rest of the party bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

LG Monk (OOC): GUYS! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!?!?!

OOC everyone actually bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

The next session that player swapped characters. He said playing someone Lawful Good wasn’t a good fit for the party. He was definitely right.