I tried to write this post last week, but I couldn’t manage to do it. I needed to process the anniversary first and then come back to the matter, thus, here it is. I may have written about this before, so for my oldest followers this may be a repeat of sorts.

Five years ago, Trouble 1, at the tender age of two months and two days (and only four days after her actual due date), underwent a life-saving surgery at a not-too-far-away children’s hospital.

The night before the surgery was the longest night of my life. Longer, even, than the first night we left them in the NICU. I held her in my arms as we waited to see if we could get her hydrated and stable enough to even survive the procedure, even though we knew for certain she wouldn’t live without it. She barely weighed 5 ½ pounds at that point, my tiny little fighter, the wiggliest baby I’ve ever known.

That night, she was in pain, and sick, and all we could do was hold her. I sang to her… because it seemed to help at least a little bit… I sang every song I could think of, from Patsy Cline all the way to Metallica. I talked and sang and begged her not to give up, told her that her sister needed her, all the while pushing away the gnawing fear that I was about to raise one twin alone.

I have never been as scared in my life as I was during those three days, from the ER until when she opened her eyes after the surgery. The only thing that came close was the very next week, when we were back in the hospital with Trouble 2 and the same issue, but we had caught hers much earlier and she wasn’t in nearly as much danger.

This is why I flinch every time they get really sick. This is why I don’t let it roll off my back the way I did with the Oldest. It’s not just the prematurity and the nicu fight. I almost lost them, even after that, after we had come home and thought things were going to be okay. I know I have some weird form of ptsd over the whole deal.

Five years. You’d never know any of it now, looking at them jumping out of the car to run into their kindergarten building. They play and fight and scrape their knees and eat donuts and write notes to me and give the best hugs ever.

We’ve already told them about the “special nursery” (the nicu), how they were born a little early, and how they had to go to the children’s hospital to have something fixed when they were babies. They know only the barest bones. Someday I will tell them the whole thing. Someday. For now, I’ll kiss their tiny surgical scars and watch the end of each August pass with an ever thankful (but still shaky) heart.

I heard or read a quote once that said something like “motherhood is forever having part of your heart walking around outside of your body”. That is the most accurate description I’ve ever heard, and those days surrounding their surgeries added to it, turning me inside out in a way I’m not ever sure I’ll recover from.

5

SaddleBaby | Shoulder Child Carrier With BackPack

As wonderful additions as children are to our family, carrying them can be difficult. Luckily for us, innovative solutions have been created which makes taking them places all the more comfortable and easier. One of those solutions is the SaddleBaby Hands-Free Shoulder Carrier, that makes carrying your child a breeze.

Imagine telling your best friend or your spouse “I need time away from you for my own sanity” “I need a break” “I’m so excited we will be seeing less of each other”-imagine posting photos of you excited and the other person crying with the text “I’m so glad they are going back to work after a summer off! I need a break from them!!”

It’s not normal to do it with adults. But it’s all in good fun to do it to your children.

Okay got it.

Really?

There’s nothing like carefully crafting a long, emotional post about your children to cause the universe to say “Oh, you’re feeling supremely motherly and grateful? Think you want to spend every free moment you could possibly ever have being with your fantastic children as they grow and change? Watch this.”

And then two out of three kids don’t eat the dinner you rushed home from work to cook (and specifically put together from ingredients you THOUGHT EVERYONE LIKED), the third is a plethora of eye rolling drama, no one is listening, and both adults commence to losing their shit.

Somebody get me a drink.

(No fear: I won’t really sell the kids to the circus, and the great big emotional post is still queued up for tomorrow and Truthful Tuesday.)

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It's Not 'Cute' When Dads Threaten My Son For Dating Their Daughter
While the role of overprotective father is not a new one, it is a tired concept that needs to just die, already. Aside from the assumption that my daughter (yes, I also have daughters) is incapable of good judgment and protecting herself and her standards, this ridiculous concept imagines my sons likewise incapable of the same good judgment and standards.

None of the kids wanted to go on a walk with me and Portia tonight with the exception of my oldest :) We grabbed some colas and went for a walk and talked about how excited he was for his new game he preordered for his birthday. It’s exciting hearing my kids talk about their interests, especially as they get to be teens.

Towards the end of the walk we both agreed it’s gross to drink the last bit of cola in the can. “I mean it’s got to be like 50% spit” “yeah and when you accidentally shake it”. We laughed about it and it was just pure and good family life moment you know?

My name is Melanie and my superpower has been surviving four 8+ hour roadtrips with animals and small children in the last 3 weeks. We nailed it today. I am done until Thanksgiving. Thank. God. 

FSJ screaming “I NEED MY GRANDMA! I MISS MY GRANDMA!” with big, ugly sobs every couple hours doesn’t make it easier, though. It’s so heatbreaking/pathetic :( especially when I’m not especially keen to be leaving my mother, either! 

After 7 nights on an old, thin pull out couch I am more than ready for the return to my bed, though. 

when I am disheartened or exhausted from mothering (the heart-wrenchingly sweet job that never ends), I remind myself “self! these days will be over before you know it! he won’t always say ‘mama!’ over and over again, so excited to show you the thousandth rock of the day! he won’t always try to hold hands with his pancakes when we pray! one day, he will stop needing snugs after his nap!” it’s all in the details and I am trying to fully feel and soak up every single one of em. complain less, change my perspective, see the good, and enjoy the little things.

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