parental license revocation

Cranqsgiving, Day 13

(Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! “Coincidentally,” today is the final day of Cranqsgiving, too – so feel free to catch up on all of the #Cranqsgiving fun whilst digesting your assorted traditional foodstuffs.)

This Cranqsgiving, I’m cranqful for –

Parents whose priorities are so twisted, I don’t even know where to begin.

Cranquis: So, the best treatment for children with croup is oral steroids for 1 to 5 days.

Crunchy Granola Mother: Oh no, MORE chemicals? I’m already feeling so guilty because I broke down and gave him Tylenol last night for his temp of 101.

Cranquis: Well, y'know, I’m a dad too, and I always try to avoid medications in kids unless it’s necessary, but you can tell he’s having a little trouble breathing, and the steroids would really help keep that from getting worse.

CGM: Ok, ok, I’ll do it – just please promise me you won’t tell anyone that I’m giving him something that isn’t natural.

Cranquis (grinning slyly): Actually, your body naturally produces about 5mg of steroids daily, so technically

CGM: Oh! Ok, cool, yeah, so it’s “natural” medicine then! That makes me feel a lot better.

“Oh c'mon, Cranquis,” you say, “what’s the big deal here? You helped a nervous mom accept appropriate medication usage for her ill child – there’s nothing Cranqsgiving-worthy in that.”

HOW ABOUT THE FACT THAT MOM REEKS OF CIGARETTE SMOKE – GEE, ALL THE SECOND-HAND SMOKE YOU’RE PUMPING INTO YOUR CHILD’S LUNGS IS JUST NATURAL VAPORIZED TOBACCO PLANT! AND THE POLONIUM-210 EMITTED IN TOBACCO SMOKE IS JUST A NATURALLY-OCCURING RADIOACTIVE ISOTOPE, RIGHT??!

SO HERE YA GO, NATURE-LOVIN’ MOMMA, HOLD THIS PLATE OF ALL-NATURAL CRANQSGIVING TURKEY WHILE I CARVE IT CAREFULLY

TSK: Parental License Revocation #38

Child: calm happy non-distressed 3 year old, occasionally scratching at what are obviously mildly-irritated mosquito bites on her arms and legs and face.
Parent: red faced dad, screaming at Cranquis to hurry up and give the kid “an appy-pen injection” because she was “stung by, like, 15 bees, or ants, or whatever!”

Cranquis:

Cranqsgiving, Day 3

(Thanksgiving reminds us to be thankful. Cranqsgiving reminds you that I’m cranqful.)

This Cranqsgiving, I’m cranqful for – parents who invent signs of illness.

Mother: Well, I just know my toddler has a double ear infection.

Cranquis: Hmm, but you said she hasn’t been congested or coughing or feverish. What makes you think so?

Mother: When I pulled her ears during her nap, she woke up and started crying.

NO OF COURSE THE CHILD WAS FINE AND HAPPY – BUT HEY AT LEAST SHE COULD BE EXPOSED TO ALL THE SICK KIDS IN MY WAITING ROOM.

If you don’t cry, I’ll give you your Snickers bar afterwards.
— 

Mother to a 3-year-old male patient… who weighs 50 pounds. (That’s at least 10 pounds higher than the 95%ile for his age).

Why Snickers? “Well, he’s always liked them since he was a baby, and he’ll do anything to get one.”

Looks like he’s done enough to get more than ONE, lady. Congratulations, though – I’m sure he’ll magically figure out better eating habits when he moves out of your home in 15-20 years.

TSK: Parental authority, abdicated

Hyperactive 4 year old boy (well known to our Urgent Care): *going completely bonker-nuts in the exam room, non-stop screaming and laughing, running into the walls, throwing exam gloves around – basically acting WAY worse than his usual hellacious self*

Mother: *sits calmly, looking at her phone, raising not one finger to slow down the destruction*

Cranquis: *sits staring at both of them, truly amazed, waiting to see just how long this can go on*

Cranquis: He’s, uh, pretty hyper tonight.

Mother: *not looking up from phone* Oh, it’s probably the coffee.

Cranquis: What? Why was he drinking coffee?

Mother: *eye-rolling sigh* Be-CAUSE, you guys have that free coffee dispenser in the waiting room, so how do you expect me to keep him from drinking it?

Cranquis: 

TSK: There's a-hole in your theory

Dear father of the “boy with wheezing for past 6 weeks”:

I’m not upset that you waited that long before bringing him in to the Urgent Care for “coughing all the time and wheezing at night, but only when he is in the house.”

I’m not upset that you caused his breathing problems in the first place,  by “throwing handfuls of mothballs into the walls and the heating vents 6 weeks ago, to get rid of the mice in the house” – so many mothballs, in fact, that people who visit your house tell you that “it smells like mothballs in here.”

No. What has me ticked off is that you went home from our visit, and told your wife that “the mothballs have nothing to do with the boy’s breathing problems” and “we don’t need to try to get them out” – which was the EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I TOLD YOU.

How did I find out about your blatant lie? Happy coincidence – since I’m the same doctor who saw your wife the following week, when she came in for (wait for it…): “wheezing and short of breath whenever I am in my house for past 7 weeks.”

When I came back into Room 5, the mom was acting guilty, like I had just caught her doing something. When she left to go take her kid to xray, I checked the drawer, and all the bandaids and ointment packets were missing. So, I called xray and told them to put her in Room 6 when they came back - then I emptied out Room 6’s drawer completely and put a plastic spider in it.
— 

My nurse has a divine sense of retribution.

(I would’ve just called security and moved on with my day…. which would’ve just created more paperwork for ME and a slap on the wrist for the patient. Lame.)

Cranquis Mail: Why vaccinate, when you can medicate? ;)

@simonbitdiddle submitted:

Has there been any statistical research between anti-vaxxers and parents who insist on antibiotics for their children?

HA! I see what you did there!

I don’t know of any studies in this topic – but I gotta admit, it makes my dark twisted heart quiver with sardonic glee to imagine research demonstrating a high statistical overlap between the groups of “parents who refuse to vaccinate their children against dangerous-but-preventable illnesses” and “parents who demand antibiotics to treat symptoms of a viral illness that will go away on its own”…

PS: Don’t bother sending me hate mail about vaccines – I’ll just refer you to my colleague aspiringdoctors for a second opinion.

Cranqsgiving, Day 1

(Cranqsgiving* is a time of year when I give “thanks” for my “special” patients, patients who give me “unique” ways of thinking about the “true meaning” of illness and health – aw who am I kidding, it’s just an excuse for me to get cranq-y about a bunch of new stories over the next few weeks. Brace yourselves, and enjoy!)

*Thank you to ever-faithful Cranquistador confessions-of-a-redhead for inventing the holiday!

———-

This Cranqsgiving, I’m cranqful for –

Over-anxious parents who make up stupid reasons for keeping their kid home from school:

“Joey was out Monday with a sore throat, then Tuesday he was still tired, then Wednesday he felt fine but he had homework to catch up on from Monday and Tuesday, and of course Thursday he’ll have Wednesday’s homework to do, so do you think I could get an excuse note to keep him home for the rest of the week?”

NO I THINK YOU SHOULD KEEP HIM HOME FOREVER, and maybe you could go to school in his place and do his homework for him too, here’s an un-dated excuse note and a handful of Xanax, have fun!