parent manipulation

Listen.

It’s not okay to have your child be scared of you. That isn’t respect. That’s control. 

It’s not okay to have your child obey you at all times in order for you to love them. That isn’t high standards. That’s manipulation.

It’s not okay to force your child become what you wanted to become. That isn’t wanting the best for them. That’s living vicariously through them.

It’s not okay to take away your child’s basic needs as a punishment. That isn’t teaching them. That’s hindering them. 

It’s not okay to dictate your child’s sexuality or gender. That isn’t normalizing them. That’s repressing them.

It’s not okay to berate your child’s appearance or intelligence for being what you think is sub-par. That isn’t toughening them. That’s bullying them.

It’s not okay to take out your stress on your child. That isn’t parenting. That is abusing.

It’s completely okay to distance yourself from your parents. That’s not unloving. That, sometimes, is self care.

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Shout out to people like me who have parents who are loving but are black holes of emotional labor… It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, about your relationship with them.

Sometimes parents can love you but be somewhat toxic to you and your growth, and that’s a very hard realization to come to if you, like me, grew up extremely close to them.

Sometimes parents can love you genuinely but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform disproportionate amounts of emotional labor. Some parents manifest symptoms of their mental illness in ways that are toxic to your mental illness.

Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven’t processed their own traumas and are modeling behavior they grew up with. That doesn’t make their behavior acceptable, and it’s okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. You don’t have to forgive every mistake.

I want you to know that it’s okay to protect yourself, to need some space apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid, and you are making the right decision.

Placing a safe emotional distance between myself and my parents has been one of the most difficult, heartbreaking processes I’ve ever gone through… it hurts to try to curb the strength of your own natural empathy around people you love. It feels disingenuous to your heart’s natural state.

But I promise you, you are not hard-hearted or ungrateful, and you are not abandoning them. You are making a decision about your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

I know what it’s like in that confusing grey area of love mixed with guilt and anxiety, of exhaustion and quasi-manipulation and unreciprocated emotional labor, and I promise you, you are not alone.

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

it’s time to shut down the lie that children who don’t grow up being hit, humiliated, and scared into obedience will grow up into spoiled, entitled, selfish monsters. there is zero truth to that. children grown in a healthy and nurturing environment will get a chance to grow up healthy. children who are raised by monsters who try to pretend that abuse is for the child’s sake and that the child would become a monster if not abused will be stripped of their health and will be denied an actual start in life and will be forced to fight for survival. I’ve had enough of abusers pretending they’re helping the child while they’re just taking and taking more and more away from them and leaving them permanently traumatized and emotionally injured. Don’t let them get away with it.

“Emotionally abusive or manipulative parents often make a practice of constantly questioning their child’s reality and experiences. Our childhoods were full of moments of being told that problematic parental behavior “never happened,” that a problem our parent created doesn’t matter because they “did the best they could,” or that an event that traumatized us “didn’t happen like that.” -Gabrielle Moss (Why You Shouldn’t Feel Bad About Not Talking to Your Toxic Parent)

your parents don’t have to starve you and beat you constantly to be physically abusive.

some parents manipulate their kids into starving themselves. “you need to diet. you look awful. you’re getting fat. you aren’t going to get a date looking like that.”

some parents scare their kids by threatening violence. “I’d beat you if you acted like that. You’re lucky I don’t come over there and slap you.”

some parents are physically abusive without hitting or punching. some parents pull hair and pinch and grab throats. some shove and push and spank. 

though a lot of these behaviors are common, that doesn’t mean they’re normal and you are valid if these behaviors caused you fear. physical abuse is more than the movies show.

anonymous asked:

Does it happen that parents can be emotionally abusive to one child (in this case I'm thinking the elder) but not the other or show very limited amounts of abuse to the younger but far more to the elder? To the point where the skewed relationship becomes part of the abuse because the parents insist that the elder child just has a child on their shoulder? And the younger could actually snap at the older for complying so easily with parents' demands because they don't understand the abuse?

CW: Mentions of abuse, emotional abuse and parental manipulation

Yes, this is entirely possible and actually very common in abusive / abused families. The one who’s targeted for more abuse is often referred to as the “scapegoat,” and the one who in the eyes of the abuser “can do no wrong” is referred to as the “golden child.”

These are unofficial terms that are usually used in the context of an abuser with Narcissistic personality disorder, but I find these are very expressive and helpful in conceptualizing the dynamics of an abusive family whether or not NPD is present.*

Every family is different, but here are some examples of how the golden child and scapegoat could view each other.

The scapegoat could:

  • Be extraordinarily jealous of the golden child
  • Hate the golden child for never standing up for them
  • Willingly take the abuse to prevent the golden child from being the target of abuse

The golden child could:

  • Come to hate the scapegoat because they see them as purposefully angering the abuser
  • Become abusive to the scapegoat themselves
  • Discount the scapegoat’s reports of abuse because they don’t experience it themselves.

The abuser could even try to induce this kind of competition between scapegoat and golden child as a part of emotional / psychological abuse.

*The Shrink would like to say that not all people with NPD are abusive, and in fact most abusers do not have a mental illness.


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the thing about having an abusive parent who does one thing and says another is this: they lie. they will lie so flawlessly, so effortlessly, that the social worker will without a doubt believe the parent over the child. anyone who’s had a manipulative abusive parent that acts like they care in the public eye only to turn around and be terrible behind closed doors knows this. they lie to teachers, friends, social workers, even the damn cashier at the grocery store. they have perfected the art of tactful lying to paint themself as a good parent.

A Spell To Stop Manipulative Parents

What you need: 

-A black (or white) candle

-A piece of paper

-A marker or pen with black ink

What you do:

-Light the candle

-Write down the name of the parent and everything terrible they’ve done

-Light the paper on fire either with the flame from the candle or another source of fire

-Say “As this paper burns, so does your ability to be a piece of shit parent. Once it has burned away so has your desire to be controlling and manipulative.” as the paper burns

-Collect the ashes and wash them down a sink to symbolize the parent’s negativity being washed away. 

Side note: This can be used on your own parents or on someone else’s parents who you know are being bad at their job. 

anonymous asked:

Can you talk about co-dependent relationships? I'm mostly interested in a romantic sense, but non-romantic might be interesting to explore too. Can co-dependency ever be healthy, or is it inherently unhealthy for both characters?

Jellyfish

I’m not sure I would call a codependent relationship healthy, but if properly managed and the people involved are aware of it, it could still be a nontoxic relationship

However the type of people who get into codependent relationships often aren’t either willing or able to fully work through the issues involved.

In terms of nonromantic relationships, I’d guess that parent-child relationships are the most likely to experience it. The parent lives vicariously through the child, stunting their emotional development so that the child is forced to rely on the parent for emotional support

Anon5

A codependent relationship is unhealthy at best and abusive at worst, in my opinion. It’s essentially a one-sided relationship where one person completely relies on another person for almost all their needs. These relationships involve helping and rescuing, with one person denying their needs to attend to another’s. The codependent (helper) is reliant on the other person’s distress. Helping them makes them feel needed and like they’re doing something right in a way. The other person (helpee??) relies on the codependent for support and undying love. A lot of people who “help” have been abused before, but not all.

I think codependency is usually the result of a very powerful/controlling person and very submissive/people-pleasing person getting together. My abusive mother held a relationship of codependency with me (I was the helper.) I also had a friendship where I held the helper role. The friendship seemed extremely close and perfect at the time, but it was actually very unhealthy and basically consisted of me enabling and taking a lot of abuse. Codependency does exist on a spectrum though. These relationships can change and improve with counseling. 


 Disclaimer 

Be wary of those who claim if you don’t trust them, you’re hurting them.

Be wary of those who insist you are obliged to give them more than they offer in return, and if you fail to do so, you’re not doing enough.

Be wary of those who accuse you of being cruel if you don’t give them everything they want.

Be wary of those who lure you into comforting them after they’ve hurt you.

Be wary of those who demand forgiveness without ever admitting they hurt you.

Be wary of those who claim to not remember their actions that scarred you.

Be wary of those who insist they’re “human” after you confront them on their cruelty.

Be wary of those who’ll use your empathy against you, who see your compassion as a toy for them to play with.

Those do not care about your well being. They don’t care how much they’re hurting you. They wont care if they scar you permanently. They’ll take as much as they can for you, and abandon you when you need them the most.

llordtourrettes  asked:

Hi! Your "fall of the heroes" arts are definitely the best ones !! Do you have any hc for them ?

Thank you very much! I’ve seen people tagging it as the villain AU, though I’m not sure if I’m going in that route, for everybody in 1-A, anyway! Some could be considered villains, yes, but there are others in the gray area and could probably be seen like a vigilante. I imagine it happening in a sorta dystopian universe wherein the they see the flaws of the hero system and at the same time they lose something or someone important in their lives.

As for the headcanons, I’m gonna post some for the characters that I have already drawn (because I haven’t thought about the last batches yet):

Deku: He witnessed the death of All Might, and has pushed himself too hard to become his successor to the point that he lost the hand that had inspired and helped others. The events broke his spirit down, and he has been wandering around Japan ever since. At rare occasions citizens see him leap from building to building, but when they try to track him they aren’t successful. No one really knows about his true whereabouts.
Uraraka: She was on the road to becoming one of the well-known, young heroes of the country when both her parents grew ill. The treatments needed caused her office to be in serious debt, and she never got any financial assistance from the Hero Association. When the villains invaded her prefecture one day, she was lured to their side, out of desperation and bitterness.
Iida: He was the last in 1-A to stay as a hero. He kept on asking himself what went wrong, why he couldn’t stop his classmates from succumbing to what they initially all fought against, why was he too powerless to stop them … All the questions spiraled in his head until he began to question his beliefs. What if he was actually wrong? What if Stain was really right, after all? Perhaps he was indeed, a fake hero …

Bakugou: Like Izuku, he saw All Might’s death. Again, Bakugou blamed himself because All Might protected him for the last time … and now … he was really gone. Since then, he went against the beliefs and principles of heroes when he started to exterminate villains instead of capturing them. He wears white so he stands out among the burnt skeletons of his enemies.
Todoroki: One day he heard reports that the villains were attacking the hospital where his mother stayed at. He rushed to the scene only to find his father, with the seemingly lifeless form of his mother in his arms. Villains immediately started surrounding Endeavor, and instead of helping him, Shouto, feeling numb, turned around and left. Soon, he learned that his mother survived the ordeal after all, and could’ve been in a better condition if he had only helped his father. Now both his parents were confined in the hospital. Feelings of guilt flooded him, and he punished himself by refusing to deactivate his Quirk. He left the city and has isolated himself in an abandoned, rural area where fluctuations of climates had been reported.
Kirishima: He had lost hope in the present Hero Association when they failed to give reinforcements many times he requested for them, causing him to witness the death of hundreds of citizens on several occasions; however, he did not know that the league of villains were to blame for it; they tampered with communication lines so they never came when he needed them. Since then, he had been bringing justice in the way he had known before he was a student.

Yaoyorozu: The Villain Alliance had been interested in her Quirk ever since her debut as a hero, and in order to lure her to their side, they manipulated her parents into venturing on an illegal business deal. So as not to have them arrested or worse, killed, she offered herself and her services instead. She had been very obedient to their orders–making weapons and involving herself in raids, trying to ignore the pained screams of their victims–hoping to win their trust, meet any of her classmates willing to help in her plan, and eventually turn the tides, despite all the odds …
Kaminari: He was swayed by the words of the villains that there was more to his power if he joined to their side. He was given a device on his head that supposedly prevents him from burning his brain and reverting to his “stupid” form.
Jirou: She was captured by the villains and was brainwashed into being a weapon. She had been known to wreck buildings, her body being injected with chemicals to intensify her heartbeat.

Aoyama: The villains promised him that he could shine brightly with them, and it was at their side that he felt he was accepted… He loves that they let him design his fabulously evil costume.
Ashido: Her spirit broke apart when she saw her friends fading into darkness, little by little. She joined the Villain alliance initially as a double agent, hoping to be closer to them and bring them back to the light. However, the alliance became suspicious about her loyalty and decided to isolate her in a toxic factory, telling her it was her “base of operations.” Due to months of having almost no contact with other people and having nothing left to do, she instead focused on strengthening her Quirk, toying and ingesting the chemicals around her. Indeed, it made her stronger, but it also had driven her mad in the process.
Sero: He was driven to a corner by the villains and was given a choice of death or to join their side… Fearing for his life, he chose the latter. Utilizing his Qurik, he is often involved in robberies.

I have been an ExMuslim since I was fifteen years old however I have only been open about my apostasy for the past six years. I choose to remain anonymous online because although I live in a Western Country I have endured so much abuse and threats from the Muslim community where I live. I also choose to remain anonymous because I have previously been doxxed by Muslims who went as far as to try and get me fired by contacting my workplace. 

I am devoted to the ExMuslim because as we are a people whose voices are often silenced or ignored on a global scale. I am here to give a voice to ExMuslims who are unable to speak up. 

My family were and still are strict adherents to Islam. I was raised in a culture-free household with the primary objective to raise the next generation of Da’ee and Mujahid. From a young age, I was taught to believe only in Allah and that the evil disbelievers will burn in hell for eternity. At seven I was told to wear the hijab, to pray and to never talk to boys. By the time I was twelve, I could recite any passage for the Quran as well as the correlating meaning and Hadith. When I received my first period, I was ordered to wear the niqab and that I was ready for marriage. My first proposal arrived at fourteen followed by a steady stream of suitors aged between eighteen and thirty-two. I refused to be married and always found excuses to manipulate my parents into holding off.  I had no one to reach out to for help as my mother had removed me from school in a bid to train me to be the perfect wife.
In the early 2000s, many of my parent’s friends were raided and arrested for planning a terror attack in my city. Out of fear of imprisonment, my family moved overseas where I encountered a truly Muslim State. At this time a war was breaking out in the southern provinces and one of my cousins was killed fighting for an offshoot branch of Al-Qaeda. People would walk the streets wearing shirts with Bin Laden’s face on them, nonmuslims would travel everywhere with armoured vehicles and guards. A Christian convert was killed by his own family in the streets. During this time I had begun to question my beliefs and I was terrified. 
My family returned back to the West after the raids and sentencing had quietened down but my family had had a taste of what a True Islamic Country was like and so they began to heavily proselytise for Muslims to emigrate to True Islamic Countries. 
In my late teens, I had finally convinced my parents to let me attend school to graduate, but I was quickly pulled out as I was in a haram environment with mixing despite being fully covered. It was then that I thought my only way out is through marriage. If only I could find a nonreligious Muslim guy! But my parents wouldn’t agree. I needed to marry a strong man who would guide me and discipline me if needed. 
Throughout my childhood, my parents were physically violent and it wasn’t until I was almost twenty, that I started to fight back. I would kick and punch them as they were beating me with belts and cables. One day, after a particularly brutal beating, I told my parents that I would destroy their reputation and that I would call the police if they so much as even threatened to harm me. They must have understood how serious I was as they never touched me again. 

Not long after this did I leave home. I knew there was no possibility for me to gather my things and that it would have to be a sudden departure as I shared a room with some of my siblings. You would think being raised in such a household we would be united against my parents but sadly it was everyone for themselves and they would happily throw a sibling under the bus if it meant them getting out of a beating. 

The night I left was terrifying yet liberating. I had no idea where I was going, no money, no clothes yet I didn’t care. I would have slept at a bus stop or train station. Thankfully though I had a friend who offered a couch for me to sleep on.

Now I have a job, I live in my own place, I have completed my high school education as well as graduating from a few different courses, I am in a healthy and supportive relationship and I own a beast of a car. Every day I try to experience new things and talk to people from all kinds of backgrounds.  I know how hard it is to leave home and I now offer my couch to ExMuslim who are escaping their families and countries (it is currently taken by a lovely young ExMuslim girl)

It hasn’t been easy to get to the position I am in now, but it’s been worth it. I have grown so much as a person. I am proud of who I am. I am a confident, outspoken woman who doesn’t resemble the timid and terrified girl I was six years ago. 
I am free. 

when I say “abuser” I don’t mean “a person who hurt someone once or twice” or “a person who made a mistake” or “a person who means well but communicates badly”, what I mean is a person who has continually and systematically treated another person as less than human. They will absolutely try to portray themselves as a person who only made a few mistakes or someone who means well and doesn’t realize what they’re doing, but that’s not who they are. This person had no problem taking someone’s emotional, mental and physical health for their own benefit, they convinced themselves and even their victims they have the right to that much, they act if there’s nothing wrong with taking away human rights from another, and permanently lowering the quality of another’s life, they will even act as if other’s owe them that much! Even if they act completely unaware of what kind of consequences their victims are suffering, the truth is - they don’t care, because if they did, they wouldn’t jump to blame everything and everyone and the victim for how badly they’re suffering.

You don’t have to ever show empathy for abusers. You don’t need to treat them as human beings. You do not need to consider their point of view. You don’t need to cater to their feelings. You don’t have to watch out not to hurt their feelings. You don’t need to protect them from what they’ve done. You don’t need to make excuses for them. You don’t need to take responsibility for any of their actions. You don’t need to forgive them. You don’t need to humanize them. They’ve proven to be lacking basic humane qualities. You don’t need to look at yourself from their point of view. You don’t need to judge them based on how nice they are to other people, if they’re cruel to you. You don’t need to give them benefit of the doubt. You don’t have to consider their past. You don’t have to understand them. All and every thought and action should be aimed towards protection from them. By dehumanizing you, they made themselves into monsters. By traumatizing you, they became a danger to your life. You don’t need to be considerate to a danger to your life. You don’t need to spend time making sure you don’t hurt someone who caused tremendous damage to your life and acted like it was their right to do it. Abusers aren’t as human as they think they are. Abusers are nothing but a burden on society, no matter what they pretend to be. They deserve to be abandoned, to have everything they’ve taken from victims withdrawn from them, and to experience every bit of pain they’ve caused to others.