i hate the moment when i’m sitting in the back of a car and someone turns the music up too loud, because then i can’t hear what they’re saying.
i hated the moment when the coffee machine ran out after church so people disperse & go do their own forms of praying,
i hate when cigarettes are finished & the first person leaves. because it breaks the circle. the world is no longer perfect. there’s just a hole where a circle used to be & i wonder who’s gonna listen to my story? what if somebody else leaves? what if they all leave?
i used to think these were the subtle little OCD traits gifted to me by a god with a sense of humor. meaningless little, unreasonables, reasoning that everybody gets annoyed by bullshit, i guess this is just the bullshit i’ve chosen to get annoyed by,
but i’m not annoyed. i’m afraid of something that i can’t see & sad for reasons that i can’t reach,
so i’d sit in the back of the car, i’d sit alone in the church, i’d stay in the smoking circle until it’s not a circle any more, so much as it is a dot,
& as i was sitting in the backseat the other day, while my friends in front were slowly drifting away, and i couldn’t hear them because of all of the fucking coldplay. i couldn’t figure out what i was so afraid of, but then i pictured that empty church, & i lost my friends in that song & i realized that i’m just terrified of ever having to be alone.
i don’t want to lose the moment we just built it, i wanna own it,
i don’t ever want a night to end. i don’t want to turn down, because once i do that it’s just me, nobody else, just me. when the music goes up, that means we’re done talking. that means i’m back here & you’re up there.
when the coffee runs out that means we no longer need each other, so i guess next sunday we’ll get together, listen to some stories, then go downstairs, surround a coffee pot just like last week & remember again what being a human being is actually all about.
until we forget again, when the coffee runs out, or the music gets too loud.