paradise fears

the music is too loud.

i hate the moment when i’m sitting in the back of a car and someone turns the music up too loud,
because then i can’t hear what they’re saying.

i hated the moment when the coffee machine ran out after church so people disperse 
& go do their own forms of praying, 

i hate when cigarettes are finished & the first person leaves.
because it breaks the circle. 
the world is no longer perfect.
there’s just a hole where a circle used to be
& i wonder
who’s gonna listen to my story?
what if somebody else leaves? 
what if they all leave?

i used to think these were the subtle little OCD
traits gifted to me
by a god with a sense of humor.
meaningless little, 
reasoning that everybody gets annoyed by bullshit,
i guess this is just the bullshit i’ve chosen to get annoyed by,

but i’m not annoyed.
i’m afraid of something that i can’t see
& sad for reasons that i can’t reach,

so i’d sit in the back of the car,
i’d sit alone in the church, 
i’d stay in the smoking circle until it’s not a circle any more, so much as it is a dot,

& as i was sitting in the backseat the other day, 
while my friends in front were slowly drifting away,
and i couldn’t hear them because of all of the fucking coldplay.
i couldn’t figure out what i was so afraid of,
but then i pictured that empty church, 
& i lost my friends in that song
& i realized that i’m just terrified of ever having to be alone.

i don’t want to lose the moment 
we just built it, i wanna own it, 

i don’t ever want a night to end.
i don’t want to turn down, 
because once i do that it’s just me, nobody else, just me.
when the music goes up, that means we’re done talking.
that means i’m back here & you’re up there.

when the coffee runs out that means we no longer need each other,
so i guess next sunday we’ll get together, listen to some stories, then go downstairs, surround a coffee pot just like last week & remember again what being a human being is actually all about.

until we forget again,
when the coffee runs out,
or the music gets too loud.