para: problems

Things I Hate About Women’s Clothing: A Rant List

 (Some of this is probably highly relatable to many people, some of it is personal taste and may not resonate with everyone.)

Bras:

               Dear Bra Industry, you’re one of the only fragments of the world of women’s clothing that’s based on actual numbers and measurements. WHY, for the love of God, are you not STANDARDIZED? Why is it possible to be a different cup –or even band—size in different brands? Like, there should not be this much room for difference and error.

Another thing about bras, and this may just be a pet peeve of mine and not shared by anyone else: I hate (haaaaaaaaate) that cup sizes are determined via the ratio between your ribcage measurement and your bust measurement. This is what makes it so that, if you have to go up or down a band size, your cup size changes too… even if your boob size hasn’t changed at all. This is stupid. Why oh why can’t we base fucking cup sizes on a standardized volume, rather than a ratio? (Don’t even try to defend the ratio method to me; I don’t want to hear it.)

Patterns:

               I’ll preface this rant by admitting that this one is mostly just about taste preference but… I’m sorry, why are there so many hideous patterns out there? Why are there so many ugly florals in god awful color combinations that look like they came off of a couch from the 70s? Why, in spite of the widespread knowledge that vertical stripes are more slimming, are horizontal stripes a million times more common? Why, whyyyyyy are we still making huge volumes of clothing in colors and patterns that flatter maybe 0.2% of the population?

Jeans/pants:

               Oh my god. Pants/jeans designers, what do you have against women with actual butts??? All I want is a mid-rise, dark wash pair of jeans that actually stay where I put them. Without a belt, because fuck belts, they’re uncomfortable and don’t work anyway. But no! It’s like jeans manufacturers haven’t figured out that the BACK OF THE PANTS might need more ROOM than the FRONT. Like, a LOT more. Please, dear god.

               Also, and again this is a style-based thing… I’d like to see two specific styles die a horrible, flaming death:  ‘artfully shredded’ and ‘skinny jeans’. That’s right, I said it, fuck skinny jeans and jeggings. Fuck them. I hate them. They make my legs look thicker than they already actually are. This is the opposite of what I want in my jeans. Why did boot cut have to go away? It was about the only thing that actually made my legs look GOOD.

Skirts:

               Women have hips. Or at least, many, many women have hips. Hips and butts. Can we PLEASE design skirts that don’t make that whole situation worse? Much like my gripe about jeans, can we please design skirts that take into account the fact that the back is gonna need more room? I’m tired of trying on a skirt that hits mid-thigh in front… and barely covers my rear in the back. Seriously. I don’t want to be eternally consigned to knee-length or maxi skirts. The former looks frumpy and the latter is nightmarish on a hot day, or when trying to do anything remotely physical, like go up stairs, or stand up from a crouch. (See how many times you step on your skirt hem! Such a fun game.)

Fabric:

               I know that this is largely a quality problem more common in cheap clothing, but I’m going to whine anyway– …can our shirts be less sheer? Can they be made of fabric that doesn’t act like Velcro and make my usually-behaved hair turn into a snarled rat’s nest from rubbing against it all day? Can skirts maybe NOT be made of static electricity and wrinkles? Can the linings in my jackets stop ripping in twelve places just from wearing it for a day? It’s likely that I’m just too broke to buy clothing made of good fabric, but… I’m too broke to buy clothing made of good fabric, folks. My price range is Target, Ross, and Goodwill. I make do. 

Shoes:

               Pointy-toed shoes are neither cute nor comfortable. I want them to die a horrible, horrible death, buried up the anus of whoever invented them. Seriously. Who looks at pointy-toed shoes and thinks ‘why yes, I would like to own witch shoes!’ any time outside the context of Halloween?

               Also, sandals. Every year, I look for summer sandals that are A) Not ugly, B) don’t chafe, and C) aren’t a rent payment. I wore one pair of sandals for eight years, until they were literally falling apart, before I found another acceptable pair. Eight. Years.

               Just… why are so many shoes so, so ugly? Why?

Torso problems:

               So, I have a long torso. I know this won’t apply to everyone, but I’m sure anyone else who DOES have this problem will hear me.

               So, oh my god, shopping for anything that has to fit between shoulders and hips. Shirts are too short, unless you either buy nothing but tunics (not always in style, and a high likelihood of looking frumpy if done wrong, especially if you have hips), or wear high-wasted pants (aka the devil). So you end up with that 1-2 inch skin gap between your shirt and your pants waistband. Is that just me? That can’t just be me.

               One piece swimsuits are right out. Either they become instant wedgies, or dip waaaaay too low over the boobs, risking a ‘wardrobe malfunction’, or they simply stretch taut between your shoulders and your crotch, and don’t conform to your curves at all, making you look like a lumpy cylinder. Going up a size makes them wider, not longer, which doesn’t help.

               Dresses… it’s similar to the problem with skirts, except it’s all-around. Everything is an inch or so shorter on a long-torso than a regular or short one. And an inch on a skirt can make a difference. (If you compound ‘long torso’ with ‘big booty’, which is my specific problem, dress-shopping for anything but knee-length or longer is a nightmare.)

               Bodysuits, leotards, and most other dancewear is just right out. Especially if, again, you have that butt problem, too.

What I want:

I want a bra that fits snugly, comfortably, supportively. The straps don’t dig into my shoulders. The cups actually hold my boobs properly, without spillage. The underwire doesn’t dig in. There aren’t like twelve hooks to hook, or special instructions regarding how to put the damned thing on. (No, I’m NOT going to ‘bend over, let my boobs fall into the cups, and hook the bra behind my back, then stand up’. I CANNOT hook a bra behind my back. I’m going to put my goddamn bra on the normal way by hooking it in front of me, turning it around, pulling it up into place, and adjusting until everything sits properly, so there.) I also want this bra to NOT be ugly and NOT be super expensive, and I don’t want to have to try on 40 goddamn bras to find this mythical perfect bra.

I want shirts that aren’t sheer. That don’t make rat nests out of my hair. That fit my long, slim torso and boobs, but that are also cut to accommodate my curvy hips. I want to never deal with the ‘gap’ between my pants and shirt again, especially in the back. I want them to not be ugly colors, or have hideous patterns on them. I want sleeves I can push up, which will actually STAY up. I’ve got a job to do, sleeves just get in the way sometimes. Also not hideously expensive.

I want pants that accommodate my butt. That STAY PUT without a belt, because someone designed them to be worn by someone with a butt. They’re cut well, have stretch where stretch is needed. They don’t gape in the back. They don’t shimmy down when I bend, walk, or crouch. I don’t have to pull them up every five minutes. I don’t want skinny jeans that make my legs look like telephone poles in sausage casings. I want a bit of flare to balance out my thick thighs and hips. I want my pant legs the right length for my (proportionally short) legs without having to take my jeans to a tailor to be altered. Because I don’t have the time or money for that. Again, not expensive, because, honey, I’m broke, have you noticed yet?

I want shoes that aren’t ugly. That don’t hurt my feet. That don’t break the bank. Basic black is fine for 90% of what I need. I don’t need or want ‘cute’ buckles or bows or anything. Just simple. I’m not asking for high heels I can walk five miles in, but I’d like sandals I can do at least one in without blisters, and sneakers and slip-on flats I can work a full day on my feet in.

I want skirts whose front and back hem hit the SAME SPOT on my leg. (Holy Grail! Unicorn!) That don’t wrinkle if I look at them funny, or stick to my legs like an insecure toddler.

I want underwear that fits, and doesn’t become a wedgie every time I move.(No thongs.) That don’t peek up over the back waistband of my pants. I want the crotch area of the underwear to actually be centered over MY crotch, rather than being halfway back because that pair of undies doesn’t accommodate my butt. Again. (*sigh*)

…you know, about the only thing I don’t have any complaints about are socks. Socks are awesome. 

I’m not really looking for suggestions here, or people telling me I’m ‘just wearing the wrong size’, or telling me I’m doing it wrong. Women’s clothing just sucks. Can we all just agree on that?

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The Signs’ Responses to Making a Crucial Mistake

Aries: An Aries will always take full responsibility for their blunder, and will be the first to say so. However, they’ll be mad if anyone else brings it up.

Taurus: A Taurus will try to prove their worth by making sure everyone knows about the other good things they did. They’ll try to make sure that people know that they’ve contributed and that this mistake doesn’t define their work ethic.

Gemini: A Gemini will ask others for advice on how to fix the problem and make everyone forgive them.

Cancer: A Cancer will admit their mistake and try to ‘make it up’ to everyone else.

Leo: A Leo will want people to reassure them that it wasn’t that big of a deal, that the mistake wasn’t their fault and that it will be okay.

Virgo: A Virgo will apologize a lot and feel guilty. They’ll feel like a failure, basically.

Libra: A Libra will be devastated and will probably want to punish themselves somehow.

Scorpio: A Scorpio won’t seem too affected on the outside, but they’re probably berating themselves on the inside, and they’ll grow livid if you even hint that they don’t care.

Sagittarius: A Sagittarius will quickly be annoyed if people keep on complaining about them. They will hold themselves accountable, it’s just that they want to focus on a solution instead of spending forever thinking about who caused the problem.

Capricorn: A Capricorn will throw themselves into their work, trying to find a way around the mistake.

Aquarius: An Aquarius will try to come up with a creative way to solve the problem. The mistake will be like an obstacle to them, and they won’t want to think about why it was their fault or what they did wrong.

Pisces: A Pisces will try to come up with ways to continue on the same path despite the mistake, even if there are none. They may also try to think of excuses. They’ll also think of what they could have done better, almost to the point of obsession.