What do you do when you are on the verge of a breakdown but you don't know what's wrong so you don't know how to stop it?
Okay, take a few deep breaths. Let them out slooooooowly. I breathe in for four counts and blow out for 8. Get some fresh air. Going for a walk while listening to music is my personal preference but if you can’t do that at the moment you should at least open a window.
Get a piece of paper or a notebook or something and just start writing down the thoughts in your head as they come. That will help you slow those racing thoughts down a bit so you can process what they are and maybe figure out what exactly is making you feel like this. It’s going to get it all out either way. Letting it build up inside you will only make you want to explode. Write it all down. Afterwords you can always rip it up and that may help get some of the negative energy out also.
wash your face with cold water just to shock your nerves a bit and shake yourself out of that rabbit hole of emotion that you feel yourself starting tumble down.
If you feel like you need to cry, DO IT. Don’t hold back. There’s no shame in crying even if you don’t know why you’re doing it. You just have to let it out. Life is hard. We all get overwhelmed and we all need to just scream into a pillow or cry our eyes out once in a while.
You’re doing great. You can get through this. I’m proud of you.
Trigger warning: Suicidal ideation, abuse and autistic self injurious behaviors are mentioned with permission from the injured party.
@butterflyinthewell is going through a breakdown that began on Nov 6 2017. Other than update the look of her blog and tweak it she has not been using Tumblr. She has not been hospitalized although it came very close to that.
I have been speaking to her via email to ensure she is safe. On Nov 7, she admitted to having several violent self injurious episodes in one day that left deep contusions on her legs.
Another episode happened late at night on Nov 8 with the same results and a worsening of the injuries already present. She still finds walking and changing position very painful.
Her situation was very close to life threatening early on Nov 9. She expressed an extreme fear of going to Hell and disappointing God for having such dreadful thoughts in the first place. I talked to her until almost four in the morning until her ideation had passed, and I talked her into showing me what led to her breakdown.
She was very adamant that she doesn’t want the other party blamed or attacked and she does not wish blame or hatred on the other person either.
In the most limited description I can give you, she had an altercation with her emotional abuser, and a conversation she had in messenger immediately afterward unintentionally reinforced what her abuser had just said. Someone took issue with how she used the word traitor, and called her immature when she clarified her opinion and expressed her personal offense to the other person being dismissive of her offline activism.
Cyndi is developmentally delayed as well as autistic. She said I can say that. I think people can deduce why being called immature is especially hurtful to her.
Immature has been used to bully and abuse her for her entire life. It is used as a shut down and dismissal insult to silence her. The word used on her in a serious manner is insulting her entirety because it is an aspect of her that she can’t change no matter how she adjusts her words or tone to suit an audience. It hurts her like the dreaded R word.
Seeing that thrown at her so carelessly was soul crushing. She crashed. She describes it as a meltdown that has been going on nonstop since she read the words on her screen on Nov 6.
I already messaged the other person myself to inform them of what happened, and I ask that you not harass or mob them if they come forward in response to this. I wish the other person no ill will. Their part in this situation was the unwitting pebble leading to an avalanche. Unfortunately, damage is still damage whether it is intentional or not.
I asked Cyndi if she wanted me to say anything in the #actuallyautistic tags she uses in case anyone is worried, so that is why I am here. I am autistic myself, so I promise I am not invading.
She has not given me a timeframe for when she will return. She overhauled the look of her blog after I suggested she do something to help herself feel accomplished. I think it saved her life.
She asked me not to post until she was certain she wasn’t a danger to herself anymore, as she didn’t want to cause anyone any unnecessary worry. This post is a sign that she is finally safe despite still being in an extreme state of emotion and fatigue. Her exact words: “I have to lay down after doing anything that isn’t part of my daily routines.”
This situation should serve as a reminder to always consider what is happening to the person behind the screen.
Edit because I already got one hateful anon:
“She is still posting every day, stfu.” - Anon
Her queue is running once a day and posts from a roleplay character side blog are running on a schedule.
People honestly are cruel. She fixed her blog to post nice things while she is away, and all people want to do is try to discredit her when she is not present to defend herself. Disgusting.
Didn't u have a mental breakdown one time and swam out into the sea?
Starry: “Yeah,, It was one of the best days of my life actually…. Nice, open, sea…. no jobs…. no stress…. just me and an island. It was really good. I only came back for food but my bosses made me work,, I’ve been wanting to do it again sometime to be honest,,”
Tbwfw your friend leaves you for being too clingy and anxious when you literally have personality disorders that make you clingy and anxious so you feel like you'll never keep friends and your dpd causes a mental breakdown in response ;;