papm*

01.26.16.

today was so very kind and gentle to me. i woke up early this morning and made myself tea and had a muffin for breakfast and got ready for class and got there just in time and in french, we were doing mini  presentations and for the first time, i actively participated in preparing the presentation and worked on it and talked to the two other girls and it was nice and we presented it and my prof was nice about it and then i went to my papm tutorial and i got there early and i sat in the little lounge and keri came and she said hi and sat down and this other girl sat down too and angus came and we all started talking a bit and it was so nice to have this connection with people that i don’t usually talk to and then i had lunch with shayla and they had watermelon today in the caf and then i went back to my room and drank a lot of tea and took a nap and then headed off to loeb to watch a econ lecture and then i went to river building and i did some of my history reading and it was my first time in there and it was so so so beautiful and peaceful and there is something so special about it and then i texted shayla asking if she wanted to eat and she said yes and that she was heading down with katherine and charmaine and shailynn and i told them to go ahead first but she said that they said no and that they wanted to wait and they waited 10 minutes for me to get back and we had dinner together and it was a lot of fun and we were there for like an hour and a lot of new jokes came from that and monica and alle and ariielle came and sat down too and shailynn helped me smuggle 10 bags of tea out of the caf and they got these giant bananas and we came back upstairs and they were measuring things by bananas and then i headed into the study lounge and charmaine and katherine were there too and we were all avoiding the loud sex nik and katelyn were having and shayla came in too and we had a lot of fun and james anderson came in eventually and arielle did too and dread ben stopped in a talked to us for a little and i did some of my readings and there are so many good things in the world so much beauty so many little things i made new connections with so many people and talked a lot and did a lot and went to a lot of places and found new places and got a little lost in a place i thought i knew and wow!! world is full of surprises

but though the world is so full of good, negative emotions come into play sometimes and the negative always hits a lot harder than the positive. is pride good? i think i have too much pride. thinking about everything and realizing what bothers me is if they don’t realize what they lost u know like I know I have so much to give and I am almost offended in a way if they don’t recognize that like ,,, in my head I’m like I know this is pointless and a waste of energy but for some reason it still bothers me. i need to learn more virtue, to cleanse my heart of too much ego.

sometimes when i think about what happened too much, i still get angry and i know that I’m allowed to and i know that I’m allowed as much time as i need to get over it but still, i wish it wouldn’t bother me so much. but still, there is so much good in the world. at the same time though, all the goodness in the world does not negate negative emotions that i feel sometimes and the negative hits a lot harder. but i think even though right now, i am feeling confused and bothered, it is ok as i have failed from this feeling and i know what to do to better myself in some way. i just wish it was easier to let go of negative emotions. i think it bothers me to an extent that i can’t let go of those emotions easier because i strive towards achieving benevolence and kindness and gentleness and the fact that there are so many strong and angry emotions in my heart like,,, i know I’m my head that it is right to forgive but i am too prideful to forgive, too stubborn to let it go and respect myself too much to let them back into my life.

but it is ok. i will find peace and virtue eventually.