Friends, changes, future

I really like how I lost some friends due to my transformation of separating myself from the bear community, people called me hypercritical and slut shamed me, which is ridiculous  nor am I bothered by it. We are all here to grow and learn from our past mistakes, I have learned and experienced the negative sides of things and disliked greatly of what I saw, I know a year ago I was promoting and rooting for the community but in a short year I have grown and learned many things that I disliked about the community and how narrow it can become.

I grow and learn fast, people from my past come up to me and tell me how much I have changed, like I’m a completely different person, I went from the dark emo/goth/depressed stages, to a preppy depressed angsty teen, to a bear loving community rooting teen to twenty year old, and now to someone who wants to be comfortable in their own skin and be with someone they love and be happy too, and I fly right through the years and I change a lot. 

I am saddened to lose friends, though I say that because we don’t talk anymore, unfollowed each other and I feel like they dislike me now, but I could not careless, we have friends for every moment in life, every step we make we have friends in that part of our life to support us, they come and they go, but there is someone always there who supports you a long the way, no matter if they are a childhood friend or a new friend, whomever they are they are there to support you. 

I don’t know why I decided to post this or write this, I just finished deleting most of my online profiles on bigger/bear sites, disconnecting myself from something that affects my own life negatively, maybe it is different for other people, but that is how it effects me. I have a man whom I love, and who loves me, who I will gladly spend the rest of my life with, a dream job and a drive to get there, and a passion for my own talents, money scares me but who doesn’t it scare, working hard and striving to get to the places I need to get, as long as I can be happy with Mike, and be happy with myself. 


When I drive home from work or school, I think of what he and I would be doing right now, riding the train home from dinner, or to the movies, him picking me up from school and we walk home together, gay stuff like that. Tonight while driving home I thought about us riding the train together, and it did indeed bring a smile to my face, though anytime I think about him it brings a smile to my face, but what I was imagining with him was that we were just riding the train back to our place, holding hands, he had fallen asleep on me while we both listen to music, I with a book reading silently as we bob along with the train. I can hear him snoring through my music, and I gently squeeze his hand to alert him of it, hoping he gets the message, but it seems like he didn’t, and I just smile and go back to reading my book. 

Scenarios like these happen quite a bit when I’m thinking alone, predicting the future and imagining what our life would be together, my heart is his forever, and he is in mine I truly love him, and someday soon we will be able to experience life together, without distance and heartache, just one step, one kiss, one moment together at a time.

I love you all, I really must say thanks to my brain for being so clever and funny, and thanks to Rihanna for having such a hilarious song about diamonds and can easily be replaced by glittering chicken nuggets, yum! Anyway I wanna thank all of y'all for following me and my gay blog I’m not even anything it’s like the Internet. But I wanna give a shout out to my boy paperwolve, without him I don’t think I could be happy and I love him so much!