So here I am...
So here I am…
As the title of the blog suggests, I am an author, and I identify as Pangendered. Now some might wonder why I have chosen to lump those two things together in order to blog about it. Well, in my writings I have attempted to bring a range of sexual orientations and gender identities to the forefront and have a wide range of adventurers falling in love, going on quests and just generally doing things that people can read about. I keep being told that people want something ‘fresh’ and 'new’ and that the inclusion of non-binaries and LGBT issues is wanted, but I’m sadly not seeing it as much as others claimed I would. I’m not seeing the warm welcome that I had hoped, and it’s more of a 'meh’ attitude or just plain indifference. The invisibility is still there and while I believe things might be heading in the right direction, sometimes I just get discouraged and sad, like everyone else.
So here is where author meets gender and sexual identity. I am pansexual in addition to pangendered.
In the past I had identified as 'bi-sexual’ and I understand the arguments between the two terms. I prefer pan because I just like to encompass things. Not just because of non-binaries, but because sometimes there are 'romantic’ relationships that just don’t quite fit in with anything else. There are people I can love and can love me back that will never reach beyond a hug or a cuddle, or maybe we choose not to touch much at all. However, there is a romanticism there that lies somewhere else. It’s a bond beyond friendship but it’s still there and I’ll love them for it. There are also individuals who do not identify as one or the other, or do both, or may be one today and another tomorrow and I might adore them too. It’s just who I am.
I’ve known that since I was very young, though probably did not fully understand it until I was in my twenties. Sadly, even though I am now in my thirties, I am rarely 'out.' Even to people who are close to me. I have had bad experiences with it, though I will not bore you. They are just like those that others have. If you tell someone that you are attracted to more than one gender, they inform you that you are 'just confused.' You are told you need to 'pick one’ or someone says 'well at least you are attracted to the opposite sex, so go with that and get married like normal people.' It was hurtful, shaming, and thus I have always kept my sexual identity stuffed down, shut close to my heart, and reserved for well…special people, I suppose.
Now my gender identity was much more confusing and took longer to understand. I always had an understanding that I was gender fluid. Even other people could vocalize that I could act one way on a given day and then another the next. I might feel like putting on a pretty dress one day, or a smart business suit another. There are certain days that my genitals might feel stifling or 'wrong’ but I never quite reached full-blown dysphoria, at least not in my mind.
There are days that I feel like something is 'missing’ or days that I want to stuff everything tightly together, but I’m always 'me.'
Unfortunately, being yourself isn’t always good enough for others. I was teased heavily in school and developed an eating disorder when I was quite young. I recovered well, but the scars remain.
You compartmentalize things like that. Society forces you to act a certain way, especially when you go to work. When I was in college I could be a boyish one day and girlish the next, but that was stripped of me when I went to work. Ironically enough, I became a therapist and worked closely with trauma victims and recovering drug addicts. I was good at what I did, but there were definitely days that I was not comfortable.
I eventually had to quit for health reasons.
I can tell you, I always looked forward to con season. I know cosplay might seem silly to some people, but I look forward to it so much. I get to dress however I feel with no fear of being shamed. I can deck out like a confident woman, or I can be a gorgeous man snapping my suspenders. No one bats an eye. It’s such a liberating feeling. It doesn’t matter what I’m wearing and no one asks about what’s in my pants. And for just a little while, I’m not thinking about it either.
But I never really thought about what it meant, until I was researching a book idea. My best friend is asexual and I intend to write a story about an individual who is asexual being in a relationship with someone who is not. While researching the book I was reading up on gender fluidity and while reading about pangendered people it hit me like a ton of bricks.
This is me. This is me and always has been. This is the me that I didn’t even know I was searching for…
So here I am…
The pansexual, pangendered author hoping to write about atypical romances.