pandorasjokebox

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi Rifftrax
  • [The opening scrawl of text goes up for the last time]
  • Mike Nelson:Yes, Episode Six, a.k.a. the one you thought was the worst Star Wars episode until you got proved severely wrong 16 years later, and again 19 years later...and again 22 years later...and again 25 years later.
  • [As Darth Vader's ship lands inside of the Death Star]
  • Mike Nelson:Security is tight after a terrorist tried to smuggle some sand on board. Turned out to just a dude returning from the beach.
  • Bill Corbett:And now he's dead.
  • [In a segue from one scene to another, a creature outside Jabba's palace eats a smaller creature, then belches]
  • Bill Corbett:[sarcastically] Thank you, George, that really moved the story along nicely.
  • [Leia is shown in her famous slave costume for the first time]
  • Bill Corbett:And there we have it: the costume that makes attending Comic-Con bearable.
  • Kevin Murphy:And in a few outlying cases much, much worse.
  • Bill Corbett:Oh, you saw that guy too?
  • [The First Guard falls into the Sarlacc pit]
  • Mike Nelson [as Guard]:Tell Jar Jar I hate him!
  • [As a biker scout falls off his speeder bike and hits a tree hard]
  • Kevin Murphy:(As the biker scout) Meant to do that!
  • [Leia and Wicket are in the forest when Wicket smells something]
  • Mike Nelson:And they encounter Porkins the White.
  • [As Luke, Han and the others are tied up and readied for sacrifice by the Ewoks]
  • Luke:Threepio...
  • Mike Nelson [as C-3PO]:Yes, Jedi-Knight-hogtied-by-teddy-bears?
  • [Emperor Palpatine stands up and walks towards Darth Vader and Luke]
  • Kevin Murphy:Brain Guy?!
  • Bill Corbett:Who?
  • [Stormtroopers corner C-3PO and R2-D2.]
  • Stormtrooper:Freeze!
  • Bill Corbett [as C-3PO]:[singing] It's raining stormtroopers! Hallelujah!
  • [An ewok is sent flying by a nearby explosion]
  • Mike Nelson:The Hurt Locker, as performed by the Build-A-Bear Workshop
  • Admiral Ackbar:It's a trap!
  • Bill Corbet:This is no time to quote tired internet memes, sir!
  • Lando Calrisian:That blast came from the Death Star! That things operational!
  • Kevin Murphy [as Sulltian Pilot]:Wabas dabat? Obo Shabat!
  • [After Luke cuts off Vader's right hand in their climactic battle]
  • Bill Corbett [as Luke]:By the way, I got you a cell phone for Father's Day -- it's hands-free. BURN!
  • [As the Emperor falls to his death down a seemingly bottomless chasm]
  • Kevin Murphy [As the Emperor]:I regret having this bottomless chasm instaaaaaaaalled!
  • [The Emperor explodes into a bluish gas after being tossed down a shaft]
  • Bill Corbett:Huh, who knew? The Emperor was mostly made of Smurf gas.
  • Mike Nelson:Update your references, Bill; those are now called Avatar farts!
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope Rifftrax
  • [The series' famous opening scrawl begins]
  • Mike Nelson:A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away a filmmaker said "I will create a character named Kit Fisto."
  • [The camera lingers on one of the blockade runner's older soldiers]
  • Bill Corbett:He's got that "three days from retirement" look about him.
  • . . .
  • [The stormtroopers blast through the rebel ship's defenders]
  • Kevin Murphy:Good guys dropping left and right, the stormtroopers don't know how to react. Nothing like this has ever happened before!
  • [A group of Jawas pick up a temporarily-deactivated R2-D2]
  • Mike Nelson [as Jawa]:Alright, so all in favor of worshipping it as our god? One, two, three, OK. And all in favor of taking it apart and hitting the pieces with a hammer? Also three. Oh, and all in favor of giving it to Jenkins' wife as a birthday present, because he forgot to get her anything else? Anyone besides Jenkins? OK, one vote for that option.
  • [Luke is cleaning up his two newly acquired droids]
  • C-3PO:And this is my counterpart, R2-D2.
  • Luke:[waves] Hello.
  • Kevin Murphy [as R2]:I stood next to your mother as she died.
  • Luke Skywalker:He knew my father in the Clone Wars?
  • Mike Nelson [as Uncle Owen]No! Now eat your fried Gungan!
  • Aunt Beru:Luke? Luke!
  • Mike Nelson [as Beru]:Just wanted to make sure you weren't turning evil, not that anyone you're related to has a habit of doing that!
  • [A sand person hops on to a bantha to begin (slowly) pursuing Luke]
  • Mike Nelson:And they spring into action on their...lumbering...sloth-like beasts— you wanna get off and walk, Jerry?
  • [Luke and Obi-wan are putting C-3PO back together after their fateful encounter with Sand People]
  • C-3PO:I must've taken a bad step.
  • Kevin Murphy:...into a Sand Person's fist.
  • [At a meeting of Imperial officers on board the Death Star]
  • Darth Vader:The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.
  • Kevin Murphy:[sarcastically] Oh yeah, planet destruction is nothing compared to, you know, moving junk around with your mind.
  • [The Millenium Falcon prepares to come out of light speed near (what used to be) Alderaan]
  • Han:Atta boy, Chewie, here we go. I'm cutting the sub-light engine.
  • Mike Nelson [as Han]:You guys may have to get out and push.
  • Porkins:Ive got a problem here!
  • Mike Nelson[as Porkins]:My name is Porkins!
  • Unnamed Pilot 1:Stay on target!
  • Unnamed Pilot 2:Were too close!
  • Unamed Pilot 1:Stay on target!
  • Bill Corbet:But my foot hurts!
  • Kevin Murphy:Stay on target!
  • Bill Corbet:But it's going to rain on Monday!
  • Kevin Murphy:Stay on Target!
  • Bill Corbet:I exploded!
  • Kevin Murphy:Stay on Target!
  • [Obi-wan's voice famously speaks to Luke while he's flying down the Death Star trench]
  • Voice of Obi-wan:Luke, trust me.
  • Mike Nelson [as Obi-wan]:And when you're done with this, I'll need you to shoot the President. Just trust me.
  • Kevin Murphy:[Laughs]
  • . . .
  • Luke:[upon being asked if something's wrong] Nothing—I'm all right.
  • Kevin Murphy [as Luke]:I'm just listening to one of the many voices that command me to do things.
  • Bill Corbett [as Luke]:Some are dogs.
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Rifftrax
  • [During the requisite opening scrawl of text]
  • Kevin Murphy:Episode ay-yi-yi!
  • Mike Nelson:Hey, look, they misspelled sh-
  • Bill Corbett:Hey! Easy!
  • . . .
  • Mike Nelson:Count Dooku, son of Lord and Lady Poopy.
  • . . .
  • Bill Corbett:Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Ugga Bugga and Darth Buttcrack are rendezvousing on the planet Ovaltine, where the rebel leader B.B. Snausageberry is fighting the dreaded Camel Toe-ians. How's that?
  • Mike Nelson:I think you've got the hang of this whole Lucas thing -- here, have twenty billion dollars!
  • Kevin Murphy:[laughs]
  • Bill Corbett:Ah, much obliged!
  • [clone speeders fly over General Grievous's ship]
  • Kevin Murphy [nervous]:Oh-oh, no, tell me this movie won't have Podracing, will it? 'Cause if so, Mike, I'll pay ya good money to let me out of here now! I will sign the deed of my house over to you!
  • Mike Nelson:Kevin, relax. Enjoy this long, long sequence coming up of . . . Jar-Jar Binks doing funny stuff.
  • Kevin Murphy:GAH! No, don't, Mike, please! Seriously! I will kill all your enemies! Please! [begins hyperventilating]
  • Mike Nelson:Here. Breathe into this paper bag.
  • [In the duel between Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin, and Count Dooku]
  • Count Dooku:I've been looking forward to this.
  • Anakin:My powers have doubled since the last time we met, Count.
  • Count Dooku:Good...twice the pride...double the fall.
  • Mike Nelson [as the Count]:Quadruple the blandness.
  • [During Anakin and Padmé's secret meeting after his mission to rescue Palpatine]
  • Anakin:I don’t care if they know we’re married.
  • Padmé:Anakin, don’t say things like that!
  • Bill Corbett [as Padmé]:Say them with inflection and occasionally with emotion — it’s this new thing called "acting."
  • [Padme watches Anakin as he sits pensively on the balcony]
  • Bill Corbett [as Padmé]:Bland? I mean, honey? Can I make you some bland milk? I mean, warm bland? I mean, warm milk?
  • [In a meeting of the Jedi Council, Yoda sits next to a hologram of Master Ki-Adi-Mundi]
  • Yoda:Disturbing is this move by Chancellor Palpatine.
  • Mike Nelson [as Yoda]:What do you think, penis-headed ghost of Hamlet's father?
  • [Anakin takes a seat next to Chancellor Palpatine during a show in a concert hall]
  • Bill Corbett:So they're just going to sit alone in those theater seats and make wisecracks about the show? What jerks!
  • [After Anakin has a vision of Padmé dying and is shown holding some unexplained technology]
  • Kevin Murphy [as Anakin]:Man, this "My Wife Dies" video game eats!
  • [the Wookiee leader lets out a war-cry]
  • Bill Corbett [as a Wookiee]:THIS! IS! THE TEDDY BEARS' PICNIIIIIC!
  • [As Obi-Wan Kenobi rides a giant lizard to face General Grevious]
  • Bill Corbett:Here comes Goofy One Baloney on his Gulumphasaurus.
  • Obi-Wan Kenobi [to Anakin]:Be careful of your friend Palpatine.
  • Kevin Murphy [as Obi-Wan]:...and your pal Friendpatine!
  • [After helping Palpatine send Mace Windu to his death]
  • Anakin:What have I done?!
  • Kevin Murphy:Well, you've wrecked two movies, ruined the franchise -- pretty much crapped the bed you sleep in!
  • Yoda:I hope right you are.
  • Michael J. Nelson [as Yoda]:Or predicate will I put again before subject and gibberish shall I spout.
  • Kevin Murphy:True that is, Mike. An idiot sounds he like.
  • Bill Corbett:And yet by many sci-fi geeks beloved he is, though Muppet he is also, and tiring his use of anastrophe is.
  • Michael J. Nelson:Also true that is. Annoying it very is. Off it pisses me.
  • [Mace Windu and a group of fellow Jedi prepare to arrest Chancellor Palpatine]
  • Kevin Murphy [as Mace Windu]:I have had it with these mother[bleep] Sith on this mother[bleep] planet!
  • [Obi-Wan and Anakin continue fighting.]
  • Kevin Murphy:So when does he turn into James Earl Jones?
  • Bill Corbett:Well, he can't do it all at once or it'll kill him. He's gotta work his way up the Manly Scale. First he turns into Lance Bass, then Rupert Everett . . .
  • Mike Nelson:Then Scott Stapp, David Duchovny, Wesley Snipes, Russell Crowe, Rosie O'Donnell and then James Earl Jones.
  • [Anakin and Obi Wan are using force push on each other]
  • Bill Corbett:Patty... cake... patty... cake... bake---ers... mmmmmmmMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!
  • [Obi-Wan and Anakin are fighting amongst erupting lava]
  • Mike Nelson:Clearly a homage to "Reign of Fire."
  • Kevin Murphy:What, 'cause it's raining fire?
  • Mike Nelson:No, because just like "Reign of Fire," there are no dragons on the screen whatsoever.
  • Anakin:From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!
  • Bill Corbett:From my point of view, a monkey wrote this script with his penis!
  • [After Obi-Wan has defeated Anakin]
  • Bail Organa:Obi-Wan Kenobi has made contact.
  • Mike Nelson [as Organa]:He said, "Ding, dong, the witch is dead!" Then C-3PO said, "Which old witch?" and he said, "The wicked witch!" and R2 beeped something. It was really pretty cute. You could tell they had practiced it, sir.
  • Kevin Murphy [as Obi-Wan Kenobi]:[after the disastrous events of the climax] Pregnant widow, Anakin on fire, have to pee...
  • [As the newly resurrected Darth Vader is rotated upright on a moving surgical table]
  • Bill Corbett:If this slowly rotates him face-down into a pie, the entire journey will have been worth it.
  • [during Padme's funeral procession]
  • Kevin Murphy:In a solemn act of mourning, the planet has changed its name to Naboo-hoo-hoo. Everybody agrees that a more tasteful gesture would be impossible.
I Am Legend Rifftrax
  • [The film opens on a shot of Will Smith]
  • Bill Corbett:So, this is a story all about how his life got flipped, turned upside-down, if you will.
  • Mike Nelson:Kind of an odd way to sum up the experience of being the last man on earth but, yeah.
  • Soldier:They'll get out safe. You got my word on it.
  • Mike Nelson:Or my name isn't Frank Never-Keeps-His-Word.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Rifftrax
  • [Harry, after leaving his home with a suitcase, walks along a street at night]:
  • Mike Nelson:Before long, Harry's life had spiraled out of control. He was addicted to magic mushrooms, drinking Magic Hat beer and constantly playing Magic: The Gathering.
  • [Harry hears, then sees the Knight Bus appear from around a corner]
  • Kevin Murphy:Aw hell! We're gonna have to hop aboard for whimsy, aren't we?
  • Bill Corbett:'Fraid so—better gird your loins for some wizardly hijinks!
  • Mike Nelson:[whispering] Ah, please don't say "loins"...
  • Kevin Murphy:Well, fewer shrunken human heads than the last time I took an actual city bus.
  • Kevin Murphy:So, when do we get to wizards killing each other off?
  • Bill Corbett:Next movie.
  • Kevin Murphy:Aw, crap.
  • Hermione:You know, the Egyptians used to worship cats.
  • Ron:Yeah, along with the dung beetle.
  • Mike Nelson:Dung beetles worshiped cats?
  • [A choir of children are singing a sinister choral adaptation of the witches' chant from Macbeth]
  • Choir:[singing] In the cauldron boil and bake...
  • Kevin Murphy:Ah good, it's the Hogwarts state champion Evil Children's Chorus.
  • Bill Corbett:[singing along] Good for breakfast or for treats/crunchy baby chicken feets!
  • Mike Nelson:Yet amazingly, they have a very active Young Life chapter at this school.
  • Kevin Murphy:[singing along] Worship Satan at your school/all your friends will think you're cool/teacher is a leprechaun/dance around with goat heads on!
  • Choir:[singing] Something wicked this way comes!
  • Bill Corbett:[a coda] Go to hell!
  • . . .
  • [The students are applauding Hagrid who has just been made Care of Magical Creatures teacher.]:
  • Bill Corbett [as Student]:We love him cause he constantly endangers us.
  • Mike Nelson [as a Dementor]:[singing] Evil, Evil, learn to be Evil/Evil is fun and doompa-dee-doo...
  • Kevin Murphy:Kinda mixed your Dementors with your Oompa-loompas there, Michael.
  • [Hermione grabs Ron's hand out of fear]
  • Mike Nelson:Hermione casts the "Give Ron a Boner" spell.
  • [Harry is in his bed reading something by the light of his wand at night]
  • Bill Corbett [as Harry]:Wow, everything in these Tolkien and C.S. Lewis books seems really familiar...
  • [Professor McGonagall is addressing a group of students who are about to go to Hogsmeade]
  • Professor McGonagall:: Visits to Hogsmeade village are a privilege.
  • Bill Corbett [as McGonagall]:Just like toilet paper.
  • [Harry watches from the clock tower as the other students head for Hogsmeade.]
  • Bill Corbett:Ah, the clock tower. What better place for a troubled kid to blow off some steam?
  • [In the office of the batty Professor Trelawney, we see a cat]
  • Mike Nelson:Only one cat? Doesn't seem crazy enough.
  • Kevin Murphy:Well, she's married to it.
  • Mike Nelson:Ah, there you go.
  • [Hermione just punched Malfoy]
  • Hermione:That felt good.
  • Ron:Not good, brilliant!
  • Bill Corbett:Yes, truly a masterful work of genius. Compared to you, Goethe was a moron. Next to your punching Malfoy in the nose, Bach's cello suites are like a, a, a small pool of vomit!
  • Kevin Murphy:[laughing] That's brilliant.
  • [over a shot of Macnair, the hooded and axe-wielding executioner]
  • Mike Nelson:That's their school guidance counselor. Nice guy, great with kids. The execution gig is just part-time.
  • Bill Corbett:Yeah, my school executioner was also the wrestling coach and taught driver's ed.
  • Mike Nelson:And executed.
  • [Kevin laughs]
  • Bill Corbett:Yeah, great guy, though. Loved kids!
  • [Hermione tells Harry about Sirius and how he's about to be executed by Dementors.]
  • Hermione:They're going to suck out his soul.
  • [Dumbledore, who is a homosexual, walks in.]
  • Kevin Murphy [as Dumbledore]:Did somebody say "suck?"