painted-words

I am in love with a girl who paints words like sunrises and
My eleven year old cousin isn’t allowed to know
“She just won’t understand”
You say “Think about the children”
And I tell you that I am
I am thinking of the little girl who has just learned that the word for her kind of love is
Not allowed to be spoken because it leaves a bad taste in the mouths of those who don’t understand
I am thinking of the little girl who has just learned that her kind of love is
Not allowed to be seen or talked about or shown in storybooks because people like us don’t get the happy ending
I am thinking of the little boy that is figuring out he’s a boy, but his mother won’t let him
Stop wearing dresses because “You’ll grow out of it soon enough” because
They always think we’ll grow out of who we are like our love and our genders are
Skins to be shed and regrown
I am thinking about the teenage girls who dream of soft lips and think they aren’t allowed to want that
I am thinking about the children who pour through books searching for a translation to prove that God doesn’t hate them
I am thinking about the ones who live in a place where their love is a prison sentence and
Their gender might get them killed
I am thinking about the children who are told that they are monsters unfit to even
Use the bathroom in peace
I’m thinking about the children who sent their families panicked goodbye texts
Last words filled with love before they were
Shot to death in a nightclub because
Someone decided that our love makes us worthless
“Children need a mother and a father” well I’m thinking of my mother who
Started beating me when I was thirteen years old and my father who
Never stopped it
I’m thinking of the father who has Girl On Girl Action bookmarked on his phone but who
Disowned his son for being a daughter
I’m thinking of the mother who wrote nsfw slash fanfiction in college but who
Kicked her daughter out of the house because she likes girls
I’m thinking of my girlfriend and how she softens the air around her and how
Your children would be lucky to know her at all
“Think of the children” I am
I’m thinking of the children who are learning that our love is something to be hidden and
Ashamed of and avoided around family dinners
That our love is uncomfortable and inappropriate and wrong
Tell me again, that We Are One Love
Tell me again, that you will rally behind us
Show me again, what happens when you tell the world that we shouldn’t be seen
—  Fuck Your Parental Controls
I think that the most important thing you can do in this life is find hope. Maybe you find it in another person. Maybe you find it in music. Maybe you find it in faith. Maybe you find it in words or painting or charity or the stars, but you have to find it somewhere. Find hope, and hold on to that. It’s the only thing that will make you want to keep going.
—  from an unfinished story #682

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.