painful-i-know

2

In my restless dreams,
I see that town…

Silent Hill.

You promised me you’d take me
there again someday.
But you never did.

Well, I’m alone there now,
In our ‘special place’…
Waiting for you.

Waiting for you to
come to see me.

But you never do.

And so I wait, wrapped in my
cocoon of pain and loneliness.

I know I’ve done a terrible
thing to you. Something you’ll
never forgive me for.

I wish I could change
that, but I can’t.

I feel so pathetic and ugly
laying here, waiting for you…

Every day I stare up at the cracks
in the ceiling and all I can think
about is how unfair it all is…

The doctor came today.
He told me I could go
home for a short stay.

It’s not that I’m getting better.
It’s just that this may be
my last chance.

I think you know what I mean.

Even so, I’m glad to be coming
home. I’ve missed you terribly.

But I’m afraid, James.
I’m afraid you don’t really
want me to come home.

Whenever you come see me,
I can tell how hard it is on you…

I don’t know if you
hate me or pity me,
or maybe I just disgust you…

I’m sorry about that.

When I first learned that
I was going to die, I just
didn’t want to accept it.

I was so angry all the time and I
struck out at everyone I loved the most…
Especially you, James.

That’s why I understand
if you do hate me.

But I want you to
know this, James.

I’ll always love you.

Even though our life together had
to end like this, I still wouldn’t
trade it for the world. We had
some wonderful years together.

Well, this letter has gone on
too long, so I’ll say goodbye.

I told the nurse to give
this to you after I’m gone.

That means that as you read
this, I’m already dead.

I can’t tell you to remember me,
but I can’t bear for you to
forget me.

These last few years
since I became ill…
I’m so sorry for
what I did to you,
did to us…

You’ve given me so much and
I haven’t been able to return
a single thing.

That’s why I want you to live
for yourself now.
Do what’s best for you, James.

James…

You made me happy.

5

so this is the story of how i accidentally cheated on my classical japanese final

okay, the way our course was set up meant that you had two pieces- in this case, two old stories- to translate and then annotate with notes to do with the translation and history, etc. our lecturer assured us that neither of the two pieces had ever been translated by anyone other than himself because they were super obscure.

the first one went as normal and did my head in. idk how much you know about classical japanese but it’s a fucking pain and i spent god knows how long in the library trying to work out whether i was looking at a verb i didn’t know or the honorific form of a verb. basically, it was a story about some doctors who all got together and cured illnesses and it was a miracle or some shit. i got an okayish mark on it which was the real miracle because i had no idea what i was doing.

the next piece, though, went a little differently. i sat down, got out my classical dictionary and began to translate it- only for the title to catch me off guard: the water spirit. it was familiar but i wasn’t sure why so i kept on going with it. but the further i got, the more familiar it was and like a paragraph in, i finally realised that i had read this story before. see, i’m a fucking nerd and prepped for this course with some outside reading. i had a book of old japanese tales on my shelf right next to me and i immediately flicked through it to try and find the story i was thinking of. lo and behold, there it was. completely translated.

i nearly had a heart attack. the right thing to do would be to tell my professor but i wasn’t about to do that because i didn’t like him but the trouble was that this particular story was one of my favourites and i basically knew it by heart anyway. so, i rewrote the story, sticking as close to the original japanese as i could and hoped to god my professor wouldn’t notice the jump in quality. he didn’t. i got top marks for my translation.

i felt guilty up until the day he came in and showed us all his evangelion and loli doujinshi but that’s another story

But if I stay
shout Your name
in the sky
left there to
remind my soul
That love left
a hole in Your side
If I feel I must cry,
the pain will
reply ‘I know’
"These are just my feelings, and eventually they will go away."

Therapist told me to pick a “coping thought” for moments of high anxiety/depression. The one I picked from the worksheet was, “These are just my feelings, and eventually they will go away.”

I’m slowly decreasing my meds starting this week. (Under a psychiatrist’s direction) so I’m throwing myself into exercise, meditation, therapy, anything I can to ease the transition. It’s going to be painful I know. But I’m doing this so I can be off the drugs to try to start getting pregnant. So it will be worth it.

Leaving this coping thought here so it will be easy for me to find when I need it. (Or in case anyone else might need it too.)

I really appreciate being able to shout into the void now and again and all the support my online friends give me. :)

Sunday Six--New Chapter Edition

Cheating a bit because I didn’t write this today:

“What?” John frowned at him, reflexively reaching to hold his shoulder although he had abandoned the ice pack at some point.

“You’re only in pain because you think you’re in pain.”

“I know what psychosomatic means, asshole. This isn’t psychosomatic. It really hurts.”

“I know it really hurts,” Sherlock replied. “And if you did know what it means then you’d know I’m not saying that I don’t think it hurts, just that the cause is psychological, not a physical injury.”

John dropped his hand from his shoulder and took a large step toward the bench, placing himself inches from Sherlock, who had to lean back to look up at him. “Say it’s all in my head again, why don’t you?”

–from Chapter 22 of Full Court Press

It doesn’t interest me… what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me… how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me… what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know… if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know… if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me.. if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know… if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know… if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, Yes.

It doesn’t interest me… to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done…

It doesn’t interest me… who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me..where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know… if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

—  Oriah, The Invitation
Hey.

Just listen to me for a sec.

Breathe. Breathe deeply.

Stretch for a minute, straighten your back, have a drink and maybe a snack if you need it. Wash your face if you want to and freshen up, maybe rest once you’ve finished reading this.

Whatever you’re doing will still be there when you get back.

You’ve been working hard and doing a good job and I’m proud of you. You deserve a break for a second.

Just trust me on this, okay?

You’ve survived everything that’s happened to you up until this point.

That’s a lot of things, isn’t it?

You’ve gone through all that, and it doesn’t matter if you fought through it or cried through it or nearly didn’t make it.

It doesn’t matter because you’re here now.

You’re real, you’re here, and you’re okay.

And if you’re not okay right now, I promise you will be again sooner or later.

Because I believe in you.

I love you.

I’m so proud of you for being here today.

I’m so proud of you for existing here right now.

It’s a scary, painful, difficult world. I know. And sometimes it gets hard to exist and want to exist. I know.

Let out the emotions you’re bottling up. Let yourself breathe. Let yourself feel. Let yourself rest. Let yourself be you.

Just always keep existing. ‘Cause I’d miss you if you ever stopped, and there’s so much left in the world that you haven’t seen yet.

And always remember to breathe.

Writing is Hard, Part 5: Headcanons

Summary: Dean shows the reader that there’s truth to a famous headcanon.

Read Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Warning: Smut

Word Count: 3000ish

A/N: This is all written with love for fan fic. I’m teasing, not putting it down in any way. Hope you enjoy! (Sorry, tag list is closed!) XOXO


“Reading anything good?” Dean asks.

Sam’s inside the gas station, picking up some snacks instead of listening to this conversation, so your face doesn’t feel the need to flush with embarrassment. Dean already knows exactly what you’re reading.

“I guess,” you tell him. No need to feed his ego by telling him how hot the story is.

“What is it?”

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anxious-demiboy-demigod  asked:

Friendly reminder for all folks who bind, if you're under 18 and are still growing, REMEASURE YOUR CHEST EVERY COUPLE MONTHS to make sure your binder still fits. Remeasure if you feel any abnormalities at all in your ribs, too. Nobody told me this and I didn't think of it until after my ribs got bent beyond repair when I went from a B to a D in a matter of around 6 months, and now I'm living with near chronic pain. Be careful, lovelies. (I know you've got a lot of young trans followers!)

!!!! Very good advice, I never would have thought of that

away from the sun

soulmate au 

pairing: taehyung | reader
genre: fluff and soft angst
word count: 20.409
warnings: none
author’s note: this story involved a whole lot of research involving many topics (read on if you want to find out hehe). I tried to represent them in the best way I could, but there are probably a few inaccuracies, so I apologize in advance for that. anyway, this is just another long plot with a bit of cheese on the side. please enjoy :) 


Once every five years, when the June solstice arrives and graces the sky with the midnight sun, a comet dashes by.

It is more than just a blinking light that moves at an unhinged speed. According to what you’ve heard, it looks like it stills in the middle of the vastness of space, and its tail flickers and shimmies in long tendrils of vibrant colors full of meaning — a subtle force that speaks to the humans who look up to the stars and set their eyes on the glowing meteorite, unique but just as intense for every single gaze. It speaks of soulmates and fate, of heavy truths and indelible bonds.

Each person sees a different pool of colors. You’ve heard more than a thousand stories, of people who saw the colors of the fireplace and others who were seized by the soothing hues of woodland during dawn. You’ve read about colors that go from the red blush of a beach beneath the sunset to the ivory traces of a wintry hill covered in thick snow. The colors do not give them the name of their soulmates, but once they find their other half, they will see those rich tones reflected in their lover’s eyes.

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maybe we all have that one person that we’d always take back. bruised mouth, bloody ribs, you’re screaming at me and i’m taking it because no matter how bad it gets, there is always good to follow. and that’s what a lot of people don’t understand, the people who ask me why i can’t see the signs of an unhealthy relationship, why i can’t just walk away - that the good days outweigh the bad ones. i would walk away from you screaming one thousand times just to fall into your arms at the end of the night. i’ve learned how to catch your punches. i’ve learned how to find the beauty in pain. and i know: i should find happiness within myself or at least within people who are good for me, but i can’t help the way i feel and i can’t just leave something that makes me so happy. i will take you back until you literally throw me away.

A method to Cleanse and Ward after unsavory people visit your house

Personally, I wait 15 minutes to ensure they haven’t forgotten anything (it’s a long, painful wait, I know. Just bear with it!) and then get straight to work!

First off;

If they ate or drank at your house:

  1. DO NOT save any leftovers from that meal, as it is now connected to them. Use it instead in the compost heap to help further along your garden.
  2. Rinse down the dishes they used with vinegar first, spritz with sage-infused water, then proceed to washing the dishes normally.

And now if they did not eat or drink at your house

  1. Open all doors and windows to air out the house.
  2. Light some incense (honestly any will do at this point your just trying to make sure their scent doesn’t linger)
  3. The couch or chair they were sitting on needs to be thoroughly vacuumed.
  4. After vacuuming the couch or chair, cast a consecrated circle around the object and banish their energy from it.
  5. Lightly mist with moonwater and place energized crystals in a spiral in said area.
  6. Dust the House.
  7. Sweep the floors and collect any trash, immediately taking it out.
  8. Wash down all tabletops and counter surfaces with vinegar.
  9. Wash the floors and walls with a mix of lavender/sage/moonwater.
  10. Vacuum the carpets and rugs.
  11. Smudge.
  12. Squeeze out some garlic juice from 3 cloves of garlic and rub into ground outside of door (3 cloves per door).
  13. Mix lemon juice with a drop of peppermint oil and use it to draw a line on the door frame, both sides; make sure you left no line breaks!
  14. Rub a touch of dogwood oil on the outside doorknob.
  15. Recharge your witch balls!
  16. Air out your dreamcatchers if you have any!

If they sat down on your bed

Ohhhhhh boy oh boy oh boy. Guess who’s about to wash their sheets?

Surprise it’s you!

  1. Wash your sheets.
  2. Wash your comforter.
  3. Wash the pillowcases.
  4. Wash the pillows.
  5. Wash the mattress pad.
  6. Vacuum the mattress.
  7. Mist lightly with moonwater.
  8. Place energized crystals where they sat in a spiral.

Optional; write their name on an egg, take it outside, and crush it beneath your heel.

Can be a curse or just an emotional outlet, either way; it feels pretty good.

“But what if I don’t have all those incenses and oils and moonwater???”

Silly, just air out your house and clean it top to bottom using regular cleaning supplies!

If it helps, you can also say the following;

Your body left my house, 
Now, your spirits can too.
And by ‘can’ I mean ‘will’,
It’s time for all of you to leave.

You’ve worn out your welcome,
When you never had any at all,
Out the door with you lot,
Away you go, away!

May you never return here!
May you never come back!
I banish you from this threshold!
Now get the fuck outta my house.”

weirdly specific aus that have happened to me
  • i work at an injury prevention clinic and i told you to treat your injury with RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation) and the next day you brought me five different brands of actual rice and asked which would work better
  • we don’t know each other but you proposed to me for a klondike bar at a student involvement fair and i actually said yes
  • we were innocently driving down a dark highway in separate cars when a police car pulls behind us and turns on its lights, so we both pull over into a Starbucks parking lot because we didn’t know who the cop was after, but it turns out he was after the car behind us and now we’re just staring at each other in a parking lot and flashing one another big smiles and thumbs-ups for driving safely and obeying the law
  • excuse me, i’ve been sitting in this seat since the semester started, and i know that college doesn’t have a seating chart, but that is still my spot that you’ve taken and i will gladly take it back if you could just scoot your boot somewhere else, and no, giving me your number will not change my mind
  • the fire alarm went off in the science building during our chemistry lab and our teacher told us to stay while he went to check to see if it was a drill or not and left and it’s been 10 minutes and he hasn’t come back, and you and I wonder whether we should keep titrating because we’re finally getting it or evacuate
  • i wanted to see if my leg would fit in the hole of the chair and it did, but now i’m stuck and you had to help me out. two weeks later, i decided to see if i could do it again, and i got stuck again, and you just stared at me and starting laughing. you still helped me out though.
  • you were playing wheelchair basketball and i’m the medic working the game in case of injury or emergency, and you ran over my foot with your wheelchair, and i think you broke my toe??
  • you tried to scale the building and got your shoe stuck in the ivy/vines on the brick work, and now you’re knocking on the window and asking me to toss your shoe up to you
  • you said you didn’t think i was brave enough to kick you in the balls, so i did to prove you wrong, and now you’re on the ground in pain, and i don’t know whether to smile victoriously or cry
  • i tried to jump off the bench into your arms, but you weren’t expecting me, and you just saw this large object flying at you so you backed up quickly, and i’m on the ground, there’s two of you, and oh my god, do i have a concussion?
  • you were being polite and holding the door open for me, and i jogged to the door so you weren’t standing there for a while just holding it open, but when i got there, you slammed it shut and i banged my face against the door. only then did i realize that a squirrel tried to get inside through the open door, so you shut it to keep the squirrel out, but now you opened it back up and are apologizing because i have a bloody nose, and you feel awful and are walking me to the nurse’s office.
A Bad Case of the Bittles

I have a head canon that at some point before signing with the Falcs, Jack made an appointment with a cardiologist, to deal with a heart problem he noticed developing the end of his senior year. The doctor kept assuring Jack his heart was fine, but Jack knew all the racing and skipping of beats he felt in his chest was part of a bigger medical issue. 

Finally, on their sixth appointment, the doctor gave Jack a diagnosis: 

“There’s some type of arrhythmia, I know it." 

"Jack, we’ve done 5 stress tests, you could run the Boston marathon right now, comfortably." 

"But you see, whenever I walk into the Haus kitchen, I feel the fluttering. It’s significant. Also, when Bittle and I went to the beach Saturday, my heart started hammering, the Falcs are going to find some cardiac problem in the physical." 

*SIGH* "It’s the guy, Jack." 

"Excuse me?" 

"Did you never notice that every occurrence involves this Bittle person you won’t stop talking about?" 

"I don’t talk about Bittle that much-" 

"Jack - I know he switched from unsalted butter to salted butter for his Moomaw’s tarts, because the taste was off. I know he has a cute little crinkle in his nose when he laughs and the fact that his laughter somehow induces chest pain in you. I know that he wore his red shorts four times in the last three weeks - and that you had a cardiac episode every time he bent over in them. It’s the guy, Jack." 

"So…you’re saying Bittle is bad for my heart?" 

"I need you to leave." 

"Is there something I can do? Like a low-Bittle diet? I can’t cut him out completely. Should I ask him to stop wearing the shorts? Maybe if he wore them more I’d get used to them? What about when he dances to Beyonce, are you sure that’s the reason my heart st-" 

"Leave, and send me an invitation to your wedding." 

"But I’m not getting married?" 

"GET OUT!”

@wrathofthestag @disraeligearsgoestumblin @victorineb @wraithsonwingsposts - totally happened, right? 

Dedicated to @thatsvicchan - a very special lady who has overcome one of the most difficult trials one can endure. And through it all, she came out of it with a beautiful and endearing view on her life, of who she is, and of how beautiful every part of her is. Her strength and perspective are awe-inspiring!

Also, a very special recognition to the following strong women who have each overcome difficult trials of their own and come out radiant and gorgeous! @kanarenee @squisherific @chanting-to-u @sarapyon @dooshiedoosh @rieriebee

And to all the ladies out there who have suffered heartache and pain! I may not personally know your suffering, but you are loved! Stay strong! You are stunning and so lovely!! Hold these truths tight in your heart!

Lay With Me

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! A little smutty something for you guys. I didn’t put a specific character for this so I’m letting your imagination run wild with this smutty fic. Enjoy as always and happy reading!

Warnings: Smut (unsafe smut), swearing

Word Count: 1273

(gifs not mine, credits to the owners)

You laid on your stomach, scrolling on your phone as you waited for him to get home, wanting the feel of his skin against you, his lips, his embrace, everything. You sighed. You weren’t a fan really of him going home at late hours even though you don’t really sleep early as well but you wanted to just cuddle for a longer time until you fall asleep. You were starting to fall asleep but you fought it in hopes he might come home any time now. You looked over to your nightstand, the clock flashing 8:30 pm. You considered to take a few minutes of nap just because you were tired and your eyes felt too heavy for some reason.

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