paige money

1. Avant-Grocery

Drew welcomes the model to a grocery store, the location for their next photoshoot. He explains that the shoot is inspired by a Chanel runway show.

Ehh, I’d guess it has more to do with how under-budget it was for ANTM to rent a bodega for the day, but inspiration can come in many forms! Honestly, when I first saw the preview for the shoot, I thought the real source of inspiration was this meme:

Somehow, half the models can’t even manage to hit this mark, though.

Speaking of inspiration, the designer responsible for the day’s outfits is Nicola Formichetti, the man behind Lady Gaga’s outrageous looks. To determine which model will wear which dress, he meets with them one-on-one to discover their essence.  

Nicola repeats a phrase we hear a lot this episode, and countless times in Top Model past: “Wear the dress, don’t let the dress wear you.” It’s a meaningless cliché at this point, but the intent is obviously to indicate that the models shouldn’t let the dress overpower them. That’s a lot easier said than done in avant-garde dresses that are designed explicitly to steal all the attention.

When Nicola meets with Giah, he wants to transform her into a bombshell. Possibly literally.

Actually, she’s assigned something equally as explosive: balloons. We can’t even tell that she’s got balloons under her tutu until later, though, which made this quote especially outrageous:

Is Giah smuggling cocaine in her anus?! The winner of ANTM 23 truly has to be it all: a supermodel, a brand, a business, a boss, and a drug mule.

Because the balloons aren’t visible unless Giah is literally tipped over for an upskirt shot (classy!) Drew has her lay down on the meat section and he finds the results surprisingly unsatisfying.

Yeah, well no duh it looks like shit! This whole thing is shit! She can barely move around either or her dress pops!

The judges are more receptive to Paige’s shot in the same location, calling it:

That doesn’t even make sense, although I suppose the steak has a longer shelf life than Britney’s first marriage. For my money, Paige looks about as dead as the meat products she’s reclining on.

India is criticized for looking “short.” When they dress you to look like a blob, it’s important to look like an elongated blob!

Drew chews out Kyle a good deal for not reflecting the environment she’s in. Apparently, he wants her to be ecstatic to wear deadly shoes in a grocery store. “Pretend you’re at the store opening!” he instructs her. Kyle smiles but the reaction is not good enough. Drew stresses the excitement of being at a store opening, but who the hell gets even a tiny bit excited at a grocery store opening?

If this is really how Drew reacts to a store opening, Whole Foods should hire him quick!

Nicola gets one look at Krislian and decides she’s too sexy. (An exasperated Krislian finally wonders aloud, “Is it because I’m Latina?” Sadly, probably!) Telling her that “oversexed becomes cheesy” and tries to play against her image by putting her in over-the-top funeral garb.

The editors try to make Krislian look incompetent during her shoot, but of course her veil is going to get stuck on her crown if they make her throw it over head. They actually show this exact clip twice to make it seem like it keeps happening, too. Drew thinks she’s not doing right by this “million dollar dress.”

You know how we know these aren’t really million dollar dresses? No one seems to give a shit when Marissa drenches herself in milk.

The judges adore Marissa’s photo, even though it’s pretty much an ass shot. They think she captured the right mood for the shoot and I can’t disagree because, again, it’s an ass shot.

All in all, though, I love how bizarre these photos are. That’s some vintage WTF ANTM right there, and the reason I continue to tune in.

5 Funniest Moments from America’s Next Top Model Cycle 23 Ep. 5

HYPERSWAG. An Elsie spin off of Carmilla: the Series

So this is a stupid thing i wrote last season and was planning on turning it into a cartoon but it never got off the ground. SO IM POSTING THE SCRIPT FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT. Karina would ideally be played by the magnificent Steph Ouaknine. hotladypants

OPENING THEME SONG: opening riff of sail by awolnation where instead of sail i yell SWAG

elsie bursts into her and karinas dorm room
karina: oh shi-
karina is lounging on a pillow throne atop an epic mattress fort that she has constructed out of hers and elsies beds.
elsie: karina did you use our beds to create an epic fort while i was gone?
karina: maybe
elsie: yes good.

later elsie and karina are lounging in fort yolo
elsie: so it turns out that hot goth chick i was mackin with mightve fallen into a pit
karina: that sucks yo
elsie: it cool, if she cant deal with a simple bottomless pit how could she handle my bottomless pit of swag
karina: tru say
elsie: so ive decided ima just make another me to make out with all the times
karina: hyperswag. i ship it.

elsie busts into the bio lab where LaFontaine is doin bio bullshit.
elsie: GINGER BIO MAJOR. i need your help makin mitosis happen all up
in this biznitch.
LaF: what
elsie: this biznitch is me. i need two of me. for reasons.
LaF: elsie i dont think the world is ready for two of you.
elsie: what do you call a ginger bio major that is useless to my quest
elsie knocks over a microscope and jumps out the window

karina: i dunno about this elsie, this tower looks ominous
elsie: omi-not listen to a word you say, cause im about to make some creeps weep.
elsie is inside the alchemy tower givin some alchemy club weirdos purple nurples

alchemy creeps: STOP! PLEASE! WE’LL DO ANYTHING.
elsie: mission accomplished.

later elsie walks into a large cardboard box on its side labeled “DUPLICATOR”. an alchemy club creep presses a button on the side. some smoke spews out. loud bangs and whirrs are heard. the alchemy club creeps look terrified.

the smoke clears, and out strut two elsies. they look each other up and down.
both elsies in unison: DAMN WE SEXY AS HELL
they high five

end credits


danny: elsie, karina, this fort of yours has gotten out of hand. the girls need those mattresses for sleeping.
elsie: youre not the boss of me
danny: i am the president of the summer society, so yeah i kind of am
elsie: well i am the empress of swaghilia, and this is sovereign swaghilia territory. you have no authority here frankenginger.
danny: elsie i swear to god…
elsie: and your visa application to enter swaghilia has been denied. karina, have her deported.
danny: ELSIE