The thing about getting so invested in something (in this case…ROBRON) is you can’t have the joy without the pain. That….just isn’t possible.

When you throw your heart and mind in to something, when you devote so much of your time to something (fandom), spend so much time talking about something, thinking about something, speculating or daydreaming about something…..that gives it such great power. I think a lot of people can be consumed by something without even realising the power it has. 

You feel such incredible highs!!! You have these moments of such joy, and it’s a joy you can share with all of your fandom friends; people who are in the same boat as you (or….on the same ship as you!) and it can almost be euphoric! 

The joy we felt in SSW and after the wedding was so pure and it was such a beautiful thing to be apart of, the almost party-like atmosphere in the fandom that for me personally carried on into my real life; after SSW especially I was on a high for quite some time, I really got a rush that put me in a good mood - a really good mood - for days. That was when, for me, I realised the power Robron had over me, and at that point in time I loved every moment of it and I’m pretty confident that many (most?) other fans felt the same!

But……you can’t feel that level of “high” without giving the thing you’re in love with the power to really give you some serious lows. And man…the lows are low. That’s why it’s so messed up, because you literally can’t have one without the other. It just doesn’t work that way.

My issue is….I’m in love with Aaron and Robert’s love. I have been since day one. Their love has given me so much happiness and it has broken my heart (in good ways and bad ways) and just…..the hold it has over so many of us is so real and even though they have always been a flawed and sometimes unhealthy couple, we have never lost sight of their love and it has carried us through some pretty shitty times. It has been beautiful to watch and I know it’s a cliche but it’s been a total ~rollercoaster with so many ups and downs that have given us rushes of pure joy and adrenaline and lows that have made us want to vomit!!!! But good and bad, it has - and will continue to be - a massive TRIP. 

As low as things have been lately, and as sickened as we all were when the Episode of Dread™ hit us the other week, I never don’t want to be in love with them?? Because I never want there to be a time where the highs aren’t really, super fucking high and powerful. I never want to lose that sense of joy.

BUT it gets all messed up at a time like this when things are going wrong and when we’re not sure how it’s all going to pan out. Because I/we don’t want to feel those lows, we don’t want to feel that pain - a pain that is probably unhealthy for many of us but it’s also real even if this is “only” about a fictional couple - BUT I’m also not ready to let go of it, because by letting go of giving Robron the power to cause us pain, we’re also letting go of the power to give us pleasure

I mean, of course there are ways to enjoy something a “normal” and healthy amount that doesn’t make us feel physically ill and keep us up all night lmao, but so many of us are in too deep with Robron to let the bad times - the really bad times, I mean - pass us by.

I don’t know if I just went into Survival Mode after *that* episode and shut myself off from Robron in a way to sort of….shield myself from the horror I felt. Because by god, I felt horrendous that Thursday night and all of the next day. Like genuinely awful. And I resented the fact that I had allowed myself to let a fictional couple have the power to make me feel so utter crap. Because in that moment, nothing about loving this ship was fun. It was just horrible and seeing all these posts from people feeling exactly the same, seeing all these people that used to be filled with positivity so sad and angry (justifiably so) was really upsetting and it just made it worse.

And in that moment, I wanted to stop caring. I wanted to not give a shit (or….at least somehow step back enough to enjoy them a Normal Amount) because it hurt too much and hurting isn’t fun.

But now things have sunk in a bit…..I don’t want to let go?? I still feel like I’m in Survival Mode. I haven’t watched any past scenes of theirs since that episode. Not wedding stuff, not the goodbye, not nothing.

A spark has gone for me right now, as I think it has for so many people, but my issue is…..I don’t want it to stay gone. I want that spark to come back. Not just for me, but for everyone. I wish we could have the joy without the Pain™ but….we can’t. Not really. Not that sheer level of joy, anyway. 

This post is a mess, but I guess what I’m saying is…..however bad it is now, I hope somehow we can get back to a place where we can allow Robron to give us the joy they have given us in the past. And yeah, that means that we will inevitably have to suffer the Low™ at some point in the future again (hopefully way in the future but……….it’ll probably be sooner rather than later) BUT I just hope that somehow we can survive this. That somehow this can make us stronger. Than even when things really suck the next time (for whatever reason), and however much it hurts…..I hope we’ll still be able to bounce back.

And I guess that’s what this post is about. It’s about caring too much and loving too much but having that love knocked by a horrible incident that sort of shatters our faith and confidence and ruins our enjoyment. BUT I want us to be able to bounce back from this. I know some people won’t be able to, but I hope most of us are somehow able to move on from this and go back to feeling the love we felt before, to have that spark, to allow them to have the power to fuck us up all over again - in a good way AND a bad way. And when the bad way happens again (which….it will), hopefully we’ll have learnt from this in some ways, hopefully it’ll have made us stronger (this remains to be seen tbh) and just…….we’ll get over it. Fingers crossed.

Because I may feel numb about Robron right now, but I still believe that deep down they still have The Power™ over me. And as shit as they have made me feel recently (well…not them, but Emmerdale ugh) I don’t think I ever really want them to not be able to make me feel shit? Because if they can’t make me feel like crap, then they can’t make me feel such incredible happiness too.

And some of us really really need that happiness. We need that joy and sunshine. And I just really hope for all of our sakes that we get some of that again soon.