It’s a kind gesture, to say “Please reach out to me if you feel suicidal. You’re not alone”.
There are less of us who reach out, although we should. So many avenues and hotlines: why aren’t we reaching out? Why are we still losing people to suicide? It’s not my place to say I know what goes on in the mind of someone who is spiralling that dangerously. But as someone who has gone to the edge and been saved in the nick of time a number of times, the most important change happened when I started asking the right questions. Instead of “who cares for me anyway or what’s the purpose of my life anyway”, I reminded myself of every single detail and person in my life of my Everyday that I would be leaving behind - and that made me sad. I didn’t hate life. I don’t hate life. It’s the circumstances that can be damning. When news of Chester’s passing popped up on my phone, I was gutted. Because I felt he deserved better. But I don’t know what his state of mind was like. I don’t know his pain. I do know however that while I mourn his loss, it is a sobering reminder of what could have been had I not been saved in time. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The proof is in the ones who are still here despite huge bandaids on their hearts. Life, is beautiful. It’s taken me a Long time to come to understand that sentence and to utter it with meaning. I send you love, courage and solidarity in showing up Everyday despite how shitty things can be. It is not for nought.
I’m almost in the final hour of my shift and I’m thrilled! Lol it’s been one of those days and I’m way more than a little ready to go home. “Think happy thoughts”. “Just keep swimming”.
I’m in need of a good run and a good drink I’ve gotta be honest. Then again, depending on how I feel when I get home I may skip the run, the drink and just opt for a nice hot bath with something from Lush. Time will tell!
Over the last few days I’ve become aware of a pattern that made no sense at first. Having just woken up to go to the loo, I found the answer waiting for me in my brain.
Last night for example way more echolalia, stimming in general and flapping from room to room. Seemly a lot of “high energy stuff” at the end of the day?
But it’s not high energy stuff, it only seems that way It’s actually that I’ve finally bery tired and my brain is needing more stimming and echolalia to be able to self regulate. In other words and expression of being really tired.