p: kristina

She didn’t want to drive that night, she was too tired. After spending a whole day locked in the studio, working restlessly and almost stubbornly denying quick breaks, all she wanted was to go home and forget about that date. 

It was a windy night. But, she felt comfort in the noise. Mindlessly during her drive home, she found herself staring at his photo through her phone, sitting in the back seat of her Uber taxi. It was almost one year since they had parted their ways, to never look back. For some reason, she was torn apart between whether she missed him or the way he would caress her cheek every time he could; whether she missed him or the way he’d always make sure their fingers were intertwined and their bodies close; whether she missed him or his soft kisses that tasted like fresh cocktails on a hot, summer day. Taylor was definitely torn between whether she missed him or the way only he could make her feel. Time collapsed, she felt herself freezing, locked up in thousand memories.

Their love was great. Loving him had been probably one of the best things she had ever done, and being loved by him had been one of a kind. He wasn’t irreplaceable, that’s for sure. It’s just hadn’t found anyone who would make her make quite the same, again. Eventually, she gave up. She wore her broken pieces with the only thing that she had left, pride, and realized she needs no one. Forgetting to breathe, she drifted away allowing herself to see the past that was, the future that would never be. She didn’t need anyone indeed, but it felt good having someone to think of sharing your life with. 

The car slowly stopped, arriving at her destination. But, she didn’t notice until she heard a voice coming from the driver seat “Ma'am..”. She looked up and recognized her gate. Offering no answer, she paid and silently got out of the car. Once she got in, right after taking off her shoes, she spawned out. Looking up at the ceiling and petting her cat, she could feel hundreds of words being stuck on her throat. Words maybe she could have told him, words left unspoken because he didn’t deserve to hear them. If he didn’t make the slightest effort to stop her for leaving, why she’d give him to pleasure to see her broken? 

Tears filling up, she got up and reached for a paper and a pen. After tearing tens of papers, she finally wrote. 

To Adam,

Artists. We are artists who entertain and sometimes lose ourselves in the process, but you swore coming home to me would make it all worth it.
Home. You wanted to have a huge house, with a big yard and grow our own fruits. You dreamed of seeing our children running free.
Children. You wanted two. I had lost hope that I’d ever have kids in this fucked up industry, but the thought of a mini you growing up inside of me and raising them together, didn’t seem that difficult after all.
Family. Marriage is something I’ve always feared but fear was nothing in comparison to the intensity of love I felt for you when I’d hear you talking about forever.
Future. Our plans seemed so solid and so unbreakable and for the first time, your eyes made me picture one with you.
Eyes. You would always say you found yourself in them, that they were your favorite thing.
Friends. Some always considered us the perfect couple, the soul mates. But some of mine said you weren’t good for me and I’m sure some of yours never liked me neither.
Words. A few of them from you would make my day. I’ll never forget the way my heart would skip a beat every time I’d get a message from you.
Effort. You swore you’d never stop trying as much as you did at first, because it had never felt as real as when you’d hold me in your arms.
Hearts. I loved hearing yours beating slowly in a perfect symphony with mine.
Hands. Yours running through my body, owning every inch would never fail to take me to another dimension.
Passion. You dived in me too deep, every cell taking your name, and I hoped you’d never find your way back.
Lockets. You gave me a heart-shaped one on our first anniversary, promising me many more to come.
Promises. They weren’t the only thing you broke.

Sometimes the one who leaves is the one who’s hurting the most.
From the woman who tried to bury your career.
I’m sorry.

The paper was already marked with her tears as her hands were trembling. Folding another letter he’d never get, she wrote the date on top. 

March 6th 2017.

BOYS: a playlist for when you’re busy dreamin bout boys but also practicing your new rules

Boys - Charli XCX
The Louvre - Lorde
Fantasy - Mariah Carey
Into You - Ariana Grande
Sparks - Hilary Duff
Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
Lovefool - The Cardigans
Wild Thoughts - DJ Khaled
Bad Liar - Selena Gomez
Love - Lana Del Rey 
I Really Like You - Carly Rae Jepsen
Shower - Becky G
Nothing In This World - Paris Hilton
Superlove - Tinashe
The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani
Touch - Little Mix
I Think I’m in Love with You - Jessica Simpson
Like A Virgin - Madonna
The Cure - Lady Gaga
Perfect Illusion - Lady Gaga
Woman - Kesha
How To Be A Heartbreaker - Marina and The Diamonds
Potential Breakup Song - Aly & AJ
Needed Me - Rihanna
I Hate Boys - Christina Aguilera
Dead - Madison Beer
Ring The Alarm - Beyonce
Too Little, Too Late - Jojo
Lady Marmalade - Christina Aguilera, Mya, Lil Kim, and P!nk
I Don’t Need A Man - The Pussycat Dolls
Independent Women, Pt. I - Destiny’s Child
Feeling Myself - Nicki Minaj & Beyonce
Cool Girl - Tove Lo
That Don’t Impress Me Much - Shania Twain
I Love It - Icona Pop & Charli XCX
Smile - Lily Allen 
Strong Enough - Cher
Dancing On My Own - Robyn
The Weekend - SZA
Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood
U + Ur Hand - P!nk
Goodbye - Kristina DeBarge
Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Stronger - Britney Spears
New Rules - Dua Lipa

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