p: demetri martin

Demetri Martin quote starters
  • I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
  • I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
  • Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
  • About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’
  • I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
  • Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type 'lol’. I type 'lqtm’ - laugh quietly to myself. It’s more honest.
  • I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, 'I am.’
  • Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.
  • Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
  • There’s an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don’t know it. I don’t speak Russian.
  • I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says, 'go outside’.
  • What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.
  • I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said “Happy Birthday” on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote “Jesus” on it.
  • I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane.
  • My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
  • I think it’s interesting that 'cologne’ rhymes with 'alone.’
  • One time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
  • I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.’
  • My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next.
  • I like to use 'I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
  • I got some new pajamas with pockets in them. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept.
  • Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
  • I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
  • It’s very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
  • You’re a dick! You deserved this! Also I’m sorry I broke your leg.
  • My friend named his car. And I don’t want to be judgemental, but… what a dork.
  • I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It’s so cool.
  • I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
  • I need to develop some patience — immediately.
  • I bought a clock, and then the big hand broke off it. I didn’t want to throw it away, so I just added -ish to every number.
  • I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something, it’s at least a little bit funny.
  • I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
  • I do flash mobs alone sometimes. It’s me just showing up somewhere.
  • I’m the king of calling myself the king of things.
  • Don’t be so quick to judge others. Take your time and really get into it.
  • People worry too much about what other people think when they should just be worried about what I think.
  • The world is full of wonder, especially if you never do any research into anything.
  • Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.
  • For some reason rocking chairs don’t rock sideways.
  • I just wanted to waste a little more of my time. Okay. That should do it.
  • The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
  • It’s go time! And by “go” I mean “go sit down”.
  • I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
  • My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
  • I have an air mattress. It’s great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.
  • When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.