I think the worst time to have a heart attack is
during a game of charades.
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly
flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like
a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a
lot like a fly eater.
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later,
it died. I was really depressed because I was like, ‘Damn! I am less nurturing
than a desert.’
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can
buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type 'lol’.
I type 'lqtm’ - laugh quietly to myself. It’s more honest.
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and
he came up to me and said, 'I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I
said, 'I am.’
Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator
There’s an old Russian saying that goes some way
or another. I don’t know it. I don’t speak Russian.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000
pieces. And when you finish it, it says, 'go outside’.
What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same
Halloween costume mistake that I did.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year,
but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said “Happy
Birthday” on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote
“Jesus” on it.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the
ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns
out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
I think it’s interesting that 'cologne’ rhymes
One time I was riding the escalator and I
tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
I like when good things happen to me, but I wait
two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.’
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with
grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy
apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have
a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next.
I like to use 'I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’
on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to
be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
I got some new pajamas with pockets in them.
Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes
you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time.
I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
It’s very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy:
Location, location, location.
You’re a dick! You deserved this! Also I’m sorry
I broke your leg.
My friend named his car. And I don’t want to be
judgemental, but… what a dork.
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with
cakes. It’s so cool.
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make
them live together.
I need to develop some patience — immediately.
I bought a clock, and then the big hand broke
off it. I didn’t want to throw it away, so I just added -ish to every number.
I think they should put pies on the fronts of
trains, so that when they hit something, it’s at least a little bit funny.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a
pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
I do flash mobs alone sometimes. It’s me just
showing up somewhere.
I’m the king of calling myself the king of
Don’t be so quick to judge others. Take your
time and really get into it.
People worry too much about what other people
think when they should just be worried about what I think.
The world is full of wonder, especially if you
never do any research into anything.
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel
jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel
For some reason rocking chairs don’t rock
I just wanted to waste a little more of my time.
Okay. That should do it.
The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
It’s go time! And by “go” I mean
“go sit down”.
I love bowling almost as much as I love not
My credit card company says I have an
outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
I have an air mattress. It’s great because if
someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to
When I am holding a water balloon, so many
things look so unnecessarily dry.