owlandowly

It’s been months and I still flinch at the mention of your name. You still haunt me like a plague. But this is not about you, this is about me; about a girl who’s always pointing at the button on her chest titled “self destruct” for people to push, people like you, people who are as destroyed as me, people who thought love could fix it all when it’s clearly the exact opposite. From the start this was never about you. This is about destroying all things breakable before its destruction could surprise me. This is about breaking my own heart. I won’t blame you for pushing the button. I won’t blame you for leaving. But damn some times at the middle of the night I think and I think and I wish you didn’t.
—  hazyaffection // this was never about you

He said, “You wanna try?” I ask, “What?” He said, “Us.” And god it was promising.

And his fingertips are everywhere; my lips, his lips, my heart. But here we are now. I think we both know we were only hoping for love that was meant to die.

He said, “I’m sorry.” but there’s nothing to be sorry for. We know we were only hoping for love that was meant to die. We just didn’t think it’s really going to be dead.

—  owlandowly // past tense

Concept: Her scent keep lingering on places you wish they didn’t. You saw her on the corner of your eyes; she doesn’t look at you like that anymore.

Concept: You tried to say I Love You in thousands different ways. I don’t think it’s still I Love You if it’s too late; it’s only half regret half your heart on the verge of shattering.

You tell her: “I keep breaking other people’s heart because they’re not yours.”

She said: “I hope you find someone capable of saving you. Or you can save your own self the way I save myself,

For the tides of waves you once brought all over me,

Clean me off of you instead of shallowing me down.”

—  talk about being brave, I’m not your front door mat
anymore
And then I realized why you left. It is not because somebody new or because you are bored. It’s because I wear scars on my words and my eyes are glass which you can see the bleeding I had inside. Because I am the kind of girl who would say I saw it coming after you broke my heart. You leave not because I am a terrific mess, you leave because you don’t know how to fix me.
—  owlandowly // i wish it had lasted longer / more tears that count
I love you. I love the way you look at me, in real life, in photos, when I’m not looking. And I love you, your songs, my songs, you listening to an album you don’t like just because it’s my favorite. And I love the way I couldn’t describe how you felt like. And you reminds me of innocence and you reminds me of love and you does and you always does. And I love you, I almost do. But eyes like yours break hearts and mouths like yours so dangerous. My friends said it’s too fast, too soon, I’m losing my ground. And love wasn’t supposed to feels like 24th shoots of alcohol. So I let it go, so I stop. So, before you break my heart, I’ll break mine first. And I swear I love you, I could, I almost do.
—  owlandowly // letting go a golden chance

I don’t know the exact date it ended but I still remember seeing you taking a step back in hurry and can do nothing about it beside taking a step back, too. Because; I got my pride to keep and you got circumstances to misread. Because; I don’t need love that left unwanted scars. Even though I know I need you and I need you and I need you. Because it was either getting used to feel the sting in my heart when you look like you regretted those 11 PM calls or stop loving you at once.

So I choose to stop loving you at once.


Even if it felt like setting any trace of you on me on fire. (I don’t think ‘I love you’s could save anything at this point)

—  hazyaffection // when will i stop writing on you
be prepared for thousands of “HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU AND PROBABLY NEVER DID” and you see, when you finally ran out of reason to hold on and when you beg your best friend to answer “was he real? were us real?” and “is it still love if it’s all pain?” you’ll realize darling, you will; you and him are not magnets that couldn’t decide wether to attract or to repel, your story isn’t a best selling tragedy book and he didn’t feel his ribs cracking when you two end. in the end darling, you’ll see, to him you are only a mistake not even worth remembering
—  owlandowly

Water’s adhesive is bigger than its cohesive
which mean they love to stay close to particle that’s not their own
thats why they fall all over the place
when the rain hit the ground harshly
Oil, on the other hand, have its cohesive bigger
that’s why they stay together
through friction

I’m trying to make my cohesive bigger
because fuck,
most part of me still wanted
to stick next to you

—  owlandowly // and all your particle wanted to stay next to her

Don’t worry, you’ll find someone. You will. And this one won’t be a fading sound of heartbeats or flashback and traces of memories you swore you must forget. This one will teach you something new. Like, not minding being lost and confused for once. Like, you can smile just because someone smiles at you, and their smile will stay for a day, or a month. Like, living felt like gifting a gift to yourself each day. Like, love can be covered in trust and promises, and rain and the sea and everything you love mixed at one.

This love will be an emotion and a choice as well. And no regret, just love.

—  hazyaffection // covered in trust and promises
He trace love on the vein on my wrist. I don’t know what he means when he said, “White tulips look like your hand”. He spell my name slowly, like he don’t want to miss even a breath, like my name is all he ever knew and he said, “This is how I spell love.” I’m starting to feel hope when he smile as he said, “Don’t push me away.” like he would wait a lifetime to watch me smile at him back. I didn’t tell him feeling his arm around my waist is starting to feel like home. I know love is never everlasting but god, when he look at me, when he look at me maybe we could try.
—  owlandowly // start of a once upon a time

“Years from now, if we meet again, I hope I’m different. I hope I’ll become the kind of people you’ll love.” She tried giving him her biggest smile.

“You know, a little bit wiser. With hope in my eyes and happiness in my breath. And I promise I’ll write you better lines of poetry and I’ll describe your eyes in metaphor.”

She takes a deep breath and pause a little. Her eyes shaken but luckily her voice hasn’t. “Years from now, I wish I am the one you love instead of the one you thought you love.”

—  owlandowly // i’m getting better i swear / more tears that count

Sad ending makes more sense so I burn my love for the sake of writting all things breakable. I hid my love behind my metaphors until suddenly he’s not poetic anymore; he’s just my newest heartbreak poem, late night regrets and closing the doors to memory lane.

Seeing him brings out this huge urge to run because damn his face reminds me of all those unanswered question and I don’t want to think about it again, anymore, I swear I’ve grown. Maybe he stopped being my muse because we never had the change to had the closure. Maybe this wasn’t love, I just wish it was. Maybe this is not heartbreak, this is the lack of it.

—  owlandowly // stop pretending it’s love

I found heaven; between the pauses of his sleepy voice at 1 AM, when our voices are begging us to sleep and when he sang to me lullabies and when his laugh travel down my spine. I found hell in the morning. He’s only ever mine when his other girls are asleep. I found hell in his wandering eyes in other girls’ lips, neck, eyes. I found hell in boundaries, I found hell in convincing myself he never love me.

Loving him was entering ghost house; adrenaline rush and silent scream. I came in prepared my heart to break, bend, and bleed. The demons are starting to appear now and I had to left before they got the chance to haunt me. I found heaven in loving him. I found hell in having to leave first.

—  owlandowly // i lost count how many poetry i wrote for you
But, a year could change a lot of things. Your hair could be longer, your heart a little tougher, less reckless and more alarm. And it changes other people, too. Last year you were friends, today you’re not so sure. Last year you belived people’s smile, today you’re not so sure. Because not all people have the privilege of living younger. And before you know it you wonder why you wanted to grow up so badly back then.
—  owlandowly
So this is what happened if you let boys who say ‘I love you’s you didn’t need kiss the tip of your shoulder but it’s okay right, it’s not like you don’t saw it coming anyway, it’s not like you stop showing him the inside of your rib cage when it’s clearly too late, it’s not like you never look at him with expiration date. But how does it feels? How does ripping your heart out to make homes for people you know will leave felt like? Oh god why did you keep begging for love to the wrong people and make the bullshits they said runs in your bloodstream when all you wanted is to beg him to come back? But it’s okay it’s not like you don’t saw it coming anyway. When he left he took your heart with him but if it’s true that you became heartless why does it still ache, ache, ache
—  owlandowly // don’t take a gamble and try to love people you know won’t stay

I. I know our star died along time ago but I still act like that look on your eyes you gave only to me.

II. Did you hear the sound of thunders against my skin, when I notice that I am only pretending that it is still love.

III. It started when I stop listening to your song that’s when I know everything went wrong.

IV. You’re a dream and recently I woke up tired. Your name sound better than daydream but lately it’s all nightmare.

V. Doubt is a foe of love and she seems to fit you better than I do.

VI. Nothing felt safe anymore and when I’m with you I half wanted to stay, half wanted to leave. Afraid that you’ll leave me first.

—  owlandowly // afraid
You are about to fall in love with me and I just had to give you warnings. Before you did please know that I’ll never let you get to close to me; your skin may touch mine and your breath in the back of my necks and I might smile the brightest you have ever seen but it will all just be a game to me. I will play it so well you’ll think you destroyed me, you’ll think you destroy the source of your happiness. And when my sadness finally reach up to you, swimming in your blood, remember I have given you warnings.
—  owlandowly // you’re a new game i’m willing sacrificing my sleep for / more tears that count

Some people kiss in the shore edges at night, skin on skin on lips. Some reach out their arms wide as if stars would fall right between their arms, dancing constellation. And I’m here hearing my father tells me to sleep before 11 PM.

Some people fall in love knowing it’s trap. You told me it’s a trap. But I like to stay awake after eleven, too, just to proved myself that I could. And every trap has its bait. I’m already in love with the bait.

—  owlandowly // give me a reason to stay awake until 5