overdependency

Overdependency in Relationships

Overdependency is:

- Desperately holding on to other people, places or things in an attempt to find meaning and purpose in your life.

- Letting others do so much for you that it prevents you from developing your own sense of personal autonomy, independence, responsibility and accountability.

- Being unwilling to let go of others so that you can find your own direction in life.

- Refusing to formulate your own goals and dreams in case they don’t match those of the people you are dependent on.

- Having a feeling of emptiness and worthlessness; feeling you “need to be needed” in order to be loved; or having your whole identity wrapped up in someone else.

- Thinking sympathy and pity are the same thing as love.

- Having a desperate need for approval; desperately fearing rejection and abandonment by the person you are dependent on; being clingy, possessive and jealous.

- Lacking a belief in your own competency and ability to cope on your own.

- Feeling stuck and immobilised because of a fear of failure, or the fear of making the wrong decision.

- Having a fear of loneliness – which causes you to cling desperately to someone – even when you should let them go.

Overdependency is a control issue because:

- You are handing control of your life and happiness over to someone else.

- When you become too dependent on someone, you give them the power to control you.

- People who are overdependent frequently use manipulation and other subversive control techniques to “hook” others into taking care of them – so that they can rescue, fix or save you. Alternatively, they may use intimidation, threats and coercion.

- They use the same hooks to prevent the person from detaching and walking away (For example, by threatening suicide)

- They may use the mask of “helplessness” to get others to take care of them, and do things for them.

- When forming close relationships, they deliberately look “fixers,” “caretakers” and “rescuers” – that is, they seek out people who are likely to assume responsibility for their wellbeing.

Freedom from overdependency:

- First, recognise what is going on and be honest with yourself about your patterns and tendencies.

- Second, recognise that you are a separate person from your partner (or family member). Thus, it’s up to you to assume responsibility for your own choices, decisions and actions (or lack of choosing, deciding and acting). In the same way, stop assume responsibility for, or try to control, the choices and behaviors of others. Don’t speak and act for them, don’t tell them what to do (or how to do it) or redo what they’ve done (as it isn’t the way you would have done it.)

- Notice your negative feelings – anxiety, fear, and even terror – and learn to face and manage these. This is one of the most powerful things you can do!

· Next, notice how critical you become when others don’t do things your way, or meet the standards that you set for them. Also, notice how you act in response to these feelings. Do you jump in, try to fix, get angry, pout, withdraw sexually and emotionally? It’s time to get rid of those unhealthy behaviours as they’re part of the pattern of dependency.

- Consciously work on your self-esteem. Don’t look to others to makyou happy, or to feel you have worth and significance. Healthy self-esteem comes from the inside out.

- Recognise the value of boundaries – and know where you end and another begins. Learn to establish and enforce your boundaries, and accept that others can choose for themselves – so don’t manipulate to try and get your way.

- Stop blaming others for making you upset. We have control of how we think and feel. You’re not a helpless victim – you can choose how you will live, and what you will accept in your relationships.

- Don’t take the flack for, or defend others’ behaviour. Allow them let them to feel the consequences of their actions. Stop defending and enabling them.

- Get professional help. Being dependent in relationships often has its roots in our early childhood experiences. You may some need help to unravel that, and better understand why you act the way you do.

CARING FOR ENNEAGRAM TYPE 9

Lastly, accompanying my third type in my tritype is a Type 9 wing: 8w9. And for being so low in my preferred approaches, I’ve certainly engaged it more often than I’ve signed up for. Throughout the years, I’d been adverse to it or had mixed feelings about what it consists of. Yet the more I comprehended it, the more I learned to appreciate it. Still, as with all the other types, it can be excessive and distorted (and this is where most of my dislike and problems with it arise). Nevertheless, some of the loveliest people I’ve met in my life have the Type 9 somewhere in their tritype. So this is about Type 9, for anyone who’d like to promote or - at least - respect their well-being and growth.

What to keep in mind about the type:
The Type 9 is generally peace loving. They often act as mediators and harmonizers among couples and within groups. They are able to slip into people’s shoes to see things from their perspectives. They look for common ground and for how to resolve dilemmas by seeing what it is exactly that each side requires and where there can be compromises. They may be acutely attuned to dynamics between different parties and this can make them idealistic, if not avoidant. They may have a talent for diplomacy and persuasion, given how many angles they consider before reaching any conclusion in their search for the solution that would benefit most. And although complex in awareness, they may value simplicity perhaps for this same reason - for they are able to perceive much in little.

What they enjoy:
- Peaceful environments and interactions. They can only handle so much stress and conflict before they need to retreat to a calmer setting, on their own or with other people they can be at ease with. Some find solace and healing in nature, among plants and animals.
- Sensitive and respectful discussions. They are usually patient and understanding and try to do what’s possible to have satisfactory exchanges. Being stubborn and insulting is rarely fruitful. And while they might lose their temper or nerve every now and then, they still appreciate thoughtfulness.
- Comradery and kindness. Many resonate with a deep sense of union, sometimes even in a metaphysical sense. It’s not unusual for them to be both empathic and sympathetic, which can make a hostile atmosphere difficult to endure. Therefore, feeling ‘at home’ with others can be greatly relieving and uplifting to them.
- Collaboration. They tend to notice what people can bring to the table and thus may welcome or even encourage cooperation. They may be selective in this and even be okay sharing with only one other person, but they may also be inclined toward larger groups.
- Contemplation. Although instinctive, contemplating profoundly and connecting with “all there is” and with their “higher self” is something they do whether they must or not. And in any case, this is part of what gives them broad and encompassing insight.

What helps them:
- Consideration for similarities and differences. Don’t leave all the work to them! Yes, they do this naturally and they tend to be good with words, but listening attentively and putting effort to grasp what they do can take much weight off their shoulders.
- Sincerity. Although they might not be against white lies and sugarcoating, they ultimately crave true rapport and acceptance in their relations. Be honest, but with compassion. Smooth things out if necessary or ask them when it would be a good time to address a potentially uncomfortable issue. They might be more worried about signs of rejection and separation than about going the extra mile to fix and work things out.
- Time and space. They may be among the first few to promote togetherness, but this doesn’t mean they don’t also need some time and space (everyone does to varying degrees). Let them take breaks from socialization without severing your bonds too badly.

What to watch out for:
- Going along with others’ demands when they should not or need not. They often focus more on what their partner(s) ask than on what they themselves would like. In many occasions, this is fine. But in some cases, it can strip them off their identity and rights, as well as cause them to do questionable and regrettable things.
- Fake politeness to maintain the illusion of harmony. Certainly, not every event gives the privilege to be fully self-expressive without disastrous repercussions that may not be worth it in the end (i.e. putting yourself in danger for no good reason). But this can become a habit simply for the sake of apparent congeniality and for saving themselves from some inconveniences.
- Avoidance of necessary confrontation. Not everything can be nice and easy, and they at times struggle with this fact.
- Chill and good vibes only, bud. This is pleasant and welcome at times or for much of the time, but not as a rule that could verge on denial and suppression of relevant matters that require attention.
- Dreamy ideals. This is part of how enchanting they can be, and while not necessarily a bad thing (depending on what and who they’re dealing with), they might fail to factor in reality enough.

What to really be concerned about:
- Sacrificing the individual for the “common good.” While there are situations where we should really suspend our personal needs and wants to some extent for something greater than ourselves, this, taken too far, can be cruel and just as selfish or worse than not contributing anything - particularly when expected and demanded of others.
- Overdependence on consensus. There’s such a thing as relying too much on others’ points of view and opinions. Not only it can be paralyzing for how long it takes to collect them and to sort out their contradictions, but it can also lead to unsound judgment. It’s one thing to take others into account, and it’s another to let their ignorance and apathy continually dictate important decisions.
- Evasiveness on many levels. This can turn into escapism and addiction as they refuse to face whatever could cause them the slight dissonance or pull them out of the utopian world they’ve created for themselves. Granted, it makes little to no sense to leave a place you’re content with to instead risk being upset and harmed - and comfort and happiness are indeed important to keep. However, to the extreme, this can become neglect of things that also matter and eventually terribly hurt them and others.

Why should you bother to care?
Whether your relationships with Type 9 people are intimate or not, putting in, at the least, a bit of effort on your part (as much as it’s appropriate) can go a long way in making things better for everyone involved.

Note: These are only a few things to consider when caring for Type 9.

i don’t hate allistics but...

i feel like we really need a test to figure out if a fetus is allistic so it can be aborted before it has to live an awful life of being overdependent on body language, being obsessed with communicating verbally, and having severely muted senses. the poor allistics freak out if someone doesn’t look at their eyes when they speak or doesn’t “know” what they’re feeling before they say it, isn’t that sad? they can barely even understand patterns, they must live such awful lives

i love allistic people, i just think we need to stop them from being born in the future. for the good of society, and for allistic people everywhere. think of the children.


NOTE: “allistic” means “not autistic.” also i’m joking, i do hate allistics :)
happy autism acceptance month everybody

Zodiac Tarot Cards

Aries-“The Emperor”

Upright Position: Signifies importance of keeping an inner-balance, self-reliance, and trusting in your own judgement

Reversed Position: Signifies dominance, immaturity, lack of inner strength and indecisive behavior

Taurus & Gemini-“The Empress”

Upright Position: Symbolizes fruitfulness, fertility, or the beginnings of a new venture

Reversed Position: Can signify indecisiveness of your or another individual, an inability to take action, overdependent on others and infidelity

Cancer-“The Chariot”

Upright Position: Represents victory and the personality traits required to attain it; also including, courage, self-awareness, and control

Reversed Position: Signifies failure, a defeatist attitude, aggressive behavior, hostility, and unexpected loss

Leo-“Strength”

Upright Position: Denotes inner power and energy, mastery of will, and development of inner might

Reversed Position: Signifies possible set-backs, self-doubt, weakness, alienation, misuse of power, disharmony, pettiness, and fear of the unknown

Virgo-“The Hermit”

Upright Position: denotes a need to have some space between yourself and the everyday hustle and bustle of a busy world

Reserved Position: Signifies loneliness, self-pity, immaturity, and acting hastily without thinking

Libra-“The Justice”

Upright Position: signifies the principle that although things seem askew, the Universe is ultimately fair.

Reserved Position: Signifies unfairness, intolerance, conflict, and dishonesty

Scorpio-“Death”

Upright Position: Not associated exclusively with the end of human life, can include a completion of a chapter in your life, a turning point, or some kind of renewal

Reserved Position: Can point toward a refusal to change or an inability to move forward 

Sagittarius-“Temperance” 

Upright Position: Denotes balance, harmony, and moderation

Reserved Position: Can signify excess, impatience, conflict, and hostile behavior 

Capricorn-“The Devil”

Upright Position: Often misunderstood because the Devil in involved, can relate to a person’s focus on material possessions and physical experience

Reversed Position: Can signify divorce and detachment

Aquarius-“Star”

Upright Position: Represents a strong connection to the Universe, an open gateway to understanding the big picture

Reserved Position: Can signify despair, crushed dreams, bad luck, gloom, and an unwillingness to adapt

Pisces-“Moon”

Upright Position: Represents force that remain largely hidden

Reserved Position: Is an indication that you have been deceiving yourself

anonymous asked:

what is the difference between Si and Ti in this case? I read that one of Ti dominants weaknesses is ''tend to stick to certain comfort zones or one way of doing something instead of understanding things from a variety of different perspectives'' but I thought that this was typical of high Si people since they compare present with past experiences

Distinguish between cognition and behavior. Introverts in general have a tendency to stick to their comfort zones, especially when loop prone, so all such introverts may look mostly the same to a casual outside observer even when there are different functions at play. In other words, different functions can produce similar behaviors on the surface but the underlying cognitive reason for the behavior is what matters. Si is a perceiving function that gathers data. It wants to see familiar details because of establishing existential security through past experiences. If cut off from Ne, Si becomes unable to process new/unfamiliar details in a positive light, thus getting stuck in the known in order to avoid the unknown, even if it leads to stagnation or unhappiness. Ti is a judging function that evaluates data. It wants to feel confident in personal analysis because of establishing self-esteem through precise technical understanding. If cut off from Fe, Ti becomes unable to process the objective data that is required to refine knowledge towards greater accuracy and coherence, thus easily getting mired in contradictions and feeling incompetent, inadequate, or overdependent on outside sources for self-confidence. A quick-fix method to re-establish confidence in subjective analysis is to limit oneself to the areas where one feels most competent and ignore/dismiss everything falling outside of those strictly defined areas as being “irrelevant” or “unworthy of consideration”, even if it means living with a faulty or incomplete mental model of the world.

Little Things about YoI episode 8

I need to rant to get it out of my system (and because lately I can’t draw to get my feelings out) about some things I really liked in the new episode:

  • The possible character development for Yurio. As I mentioned previously, it seems likely that Yurio’s development will be a bit similar to Yuuri’s, based on the fact he skates on the twin piece of music, “On Love”. His love isn’t the same than Yuuri. Yuuri was more about discovering romantic (and sexual) love (even if it meant realizing the love he was surrounded by too). Yurio, to me, will be more about recognizing and accepting the love on a more “innocent” form (Agape) he can receive but always refuse. He only accepts his Grandfather’s love (maybe because it’s the only one he ever received ?), but when presented with manifestations of affection and support from others (Yuuri and Viktor), he gets angry and sees them as pity or teasing. Maybe it will be his character development. At least that’s how I saw it foreshadowed in this new episode.
  • Yuuri and Viktor’s maturity. I already loved how, in general, Yuuri acted pretty mature especially toward Yurio (not picking up on his attacks, the “Viktor came because he wanted” and not beating himself over it, treating him like a valid opponent all by keeping in mind he’s way younger…). But here it really got me. He, and Viktor, were genuinely happy for Yurio. To see how he improved, how he really made the Agape his own (even if it still needs improvement). They cheered for him, Yuuri was happy to see Yurio again, and even Viktor (in his really awkward way) showed some happiness to see him again. Even though he is one of their opponents, and even though Yurio clearly showed animosity toward them, they didn’t pick on him and instead cheered him. It was heartwarming, and also a proof of maturity that’s refreshing (so many shows display adults that act like kids in the wrong sense of the word).
  • As mentioned in an other post : the maturity Yuuri displayed by immediately telling Viktor about Makkachin and telling him to go back. He didn’t keep it for himself (communication holy shit), he didn’t play any emotionally manipulative game (”it’s makkachin or me”), but instead showed empathy, took his own experience as something he didn’t want his lover to go through, and showed maturity by not being over dependent on Viktor’s presence (”I can do it without you, I’m an adult, and I don’t want you to suffer. I can handle not having you by my side all of the time, but I don’t want you to have your dog suffer/die without being able to be with him when I don’t need you right now”). 
  • Speaking of dependence : Viktor and Yuuri will be separated. And that’s something I’m really happy to see. I really hope Makkachin doesn’t die though, and I think he won’t and that it’s really just an excuse to have them separated for a moment. And I think it’s important. Because currently, they always been together, and they’re pretty fusional. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with it, but it becomes wrong when it’s sign of overdependence on each other, when each part can’t function properly without the other. Now that they really reinforced their relationship in last episode, and that they’re confident in their relationship, it’s like a “proof test”, to have Yuuri having to perform without Viktor being here. I am confident it should go well (not that it will be easy, but that Yuuri will overcome it), and that it will be an other evidence of their healthy relationship. I think they need to be separated at least a bit, because it’s something that will happen sometimes. And also, it will be a “test” of Yuuri’s confidence. Did he really become confident or is it only tied to Viktor’s presence ? He only performed and won with Viktor always at his side so far. I do believe he actually gained confidence, but it will be a nice situation for them to “test” their relationship, its strength and Yuuri’s confidence. And it’s not a wicked test, but the one that can normally happen in real life. It’s not a “jealousy” proof test or anything. Just a “life makes it so I need to be at a place you can’t be because you have something else important to do right now, and neither of us can ask the other to drop everything to be at our side, so we have to split for a moment and it’s ok”. I’m really excited.
  • The Eros Programm really being a metaphor of the Viktuuri relationship. Especially in the beginning. At first, Yuuri was just copying Viktor’s smile. But then their relationship evolves, and Viktor starts to pull Yuuri so they can be more on equal grounds (”seduce me with your own charm” aka “you don’t have to copy me anymore or use any tricks, you have the ability to charm me in you”). And then he doesn’t just smile, but licks his lips. It’s seductive, it’s really Yuuri wanting Viktor (”Keep your eyes on me”) and it’s about where they are in their relationship. But then the relationship evolves again. They really get on equal grounds when Yuuri sees Viktor fucking up and when they both expose some of their weaknesses. And then they kiss. Their relationship is healthy and official, and so, next time, Yuuri blows a kiss at Viktor. It’s a nice reference to the kiss they shared before, and an evidence of the development of their relationship : it’s not about seducing anymore. It’s about expressing your feelings and your confidence in the other. The kiss and skating is for Viktor. And to parallel this, you just have the way Yuuri skates all the way. He starts off unsure, messing up some jumps, having to stay really focused on his story or the katsudon or the woman to be able to skate it right. And in the last episode ? He didn’t do any of that. He’s confident in this program as he is in his relationship with Viktor. And that’s. so. great.

This episode was less emotionally charged than the previous, less centered on Yuuri and Viktor (they’re just an established couple now and I love it. They don’t even fear to do things like the laces tying or the kiss on the skate. It’s awesome), but more on Yurio, his future development, and his relationship to other. It was great and the possible interpretations of what is to come are really interesting.

[nsfw][fic] santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

To: Myshka of @yuris-on-ice

Merry Christmas! Here’s a little something I hope will help keep you warm and giddy during the rest of the cold holiday evenings.

Enjoy ;)

From: @frolickingangels

Rating: Mature
Pairing: Viktor Nikiforov/Yuuri Katsuki
Tags/Warnings: Kinky costume, Roleplaying, Sex Toys, Teasing, Dirty Talking, Playful and Loving Foreplay
Word Count: 2,868 words

Summary:
Yuuri has a sweet, little surprise for the birthday boy.

~~

Darkness.

Pitch black darkness.

That was all Viktor could see, but it wasn’t anything unpleasant or terrifying. Quite the opposite, actually, especially with the tingling excitement crawling just under the surface of his skin. His chest felt light and jittery and he had to do something to keep him distracted as he waited. However, the most he could do so far was to keep his back rested against the headboard and let his fingers fidget with the soft blanket beneath him.

Viktor didn’t wish to disappoint, after all.

Within minutes – he didn’t bother counting how many exactly – of willingly surrendering his sense of sight, Viktor realized with mild astonishment how it heightened his other senses. First he focused on the silky smooth texture of his blindfold, the comfort of his slacks, and the warm air on his naked upper body; then there were the sounds of Yuuri turning off the shower in the bathroom and the occasional horns of cars outside; and then also, the lingering scent Yuuri left in their room.

Viktor had a seemingly endless reservoir of patience, but he wasn’t made to wait too long for tonight. For this, his chest bubbled in both gratitude and eagerness for the surprise. 

His ears registered the sound of the door opening and then the tinkling of a… bell?

Did Viktor hear that right? A tiny, little bell? Or was his current overdependence on his hearing fooling him?

The resounding click of a lock brought Viktor back from his questioning. The continued tinkling that followed afterwards, though, left no room for his doubts.

There really was a bell all right, along with the soft padded footsteps that grew louder as Yuuri crossed the distance between the door and the bed. He couldn’t get to the bed sooner, Viktor thought. Yuuri took his sweet time and Viktor only wished he could see the teasing sway of those deliciously flared hips of his lover as he sauntered over.

Part of the mattress dipped with Yuuri’s weight as he positioned his knees on either side of Viktor, straddling the taller male and sitting comfortably on his lap. Arms draped over Viktor’s shoulders and a hand lightly brushed aside his fringes before trailing down his forehead, his cheek, and finally his jaw. Yuuri’s hands were covered in tight, cottony gloves, he noted. Still, from the touch alone and even through the somewhat offending material, Viktor could practically feel Yuuri’s pride directed at him for having obeyed the request of not moving from his position on the bed. This made Viktor bristle further with sweet anticipation as he thought of finally, finally reaping his rewards.

Fingers simply played with the ties of his blindfold so Viktor took it upon himself to coo into cajoling Yuuri to finally show him some mercy. 

“Yuuri,” he started, in that singsong tone he knew Yuuri continued to love after all those years they shared. “Can I see my surprise now?”

Viktor heard the softest giggle and felt those fingers tug free the ties of his blindfold. “Behave, okay?”

Viktor would rather not make any promises he most likely won’t be able to keep tonight, so he didn’t bother with a reply. He gave Yuuri a cheeky grin instead.

A grin that stayed on as the blindfold slid away and blinked his eyes, a grin that stayed on until… Viktor’s vision cleared to show him Yuuri with lips glistening with their favorite lip gloss, cheeks flushed from the shower, sans glasses, and the top of his head adorned with a Santa hat. He kept his bangs over his forehead and the ends of his hair that had grown over the months were still a little damp. Viktor wasn’t the only one overzealous for the surprise, it seemed.

Yuuri’s eyes glimmered and Viktor already felt like swooning. God, he loved this man so much. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Viktor nuzzled their noses together, “Santa.” 

Viktor’s hands reached out to grab onto Yuuri’s hips but felt the most curious, soft, and fluffy material instead. There was more to the surprise than the Santa hat, he realized.

Sea blue eyes wandered lower and – oh, so that was the source of all that tinkling, Viktor thought. It was a leather collar with a round and golden bell hanging from the front of it. Yuuri’s neck looked so delicate and delectable wrapped with it, the color and material a clear contrast against soft and smooth skin. Viktor couldn’t help leaning in and leaving quick kisses – on the bell, the point where leather met skin, and on Yuuri’s neck, just under his jaw.

What knocked away his breath, however, was the remainder of the outfit.

The dim lighting of their room wasn’t enough for Viktor. He wanted to see more, drink in all of his surprise with clear clarity. Hence, with no seconds wasted, he reached to open the lamp on the bedside table, basking Yuuri in a more radiant light in front of him.

Yuuri wore a bright red tube top; tiny and acting like a simple bandage around his chest while keeping his entire midriff on full display for Viktor’s eyes. The same could be said about the matching shorts – small and tight with a belt mostly meant for display. It’s as if its only purpose was to cover Yuuri’s privates. Even then, it wasn’t doing a good enough job, if Viktor could plainly see the outline of Yuuri’s half-hard erection in them. 

Fuck, Yuuri had no underwear on. Viktor gulped.

Both the top and the shorts have white fluff linings soft to the touch, same with the red pair of gloves that reached all the way past Yuuri’s elbows.

To top it off, probably Viktor’s most favorite, would be the thigh high cottony, soft to the touch thigh-high white socks Yuuri donned for his feet and legs. Each had a ribbon on the top, adding a sprinkle of absolute cuteness to the sexy outfit.

Viktor’s hands trailed down from Yuuri’s hips to the tops of his thighs, the part where it’s the exposed skin between ends of his shorts and the tops of his socks. The Japanese people had a word for it, Viktor was sure, but he couldn’t, for the life of him, remember what it was. 

“Oh, Yuuri,” he took his time gently groping and running his hands through the expanse of the presented thick thighs. “All this for me?”

“Viktor.” Yuuri’s small voice urged Viktor to look up. Yuuri looked at him from under thick lashes, a sliver of embarrassment showing through those eyes. Viktor paid full attention. “Do you like it?”

“Darling, I love it.” Viktor breathed, pulling Yuuri ever closer until their lips were mere centimeters apart. “I love you.”

Yuuri’s blush spread from his cheeks to the tips of his ears, but the moment he smirked and stuck his tongue out for a teasing lick on his lips, Viktor knew the doubts and jittery nerves had passed (as they should).

“Same to you.” A peck on Viktor’s cheek. “Merry Christmas, birthday boy.” Another peck on Viktor’s nose. “Tell me, baby,” Viktor held his breath as Yuuri positioned his lips over Viktor’s, tickling the other with the air passing between his lips from every word. “Have you been naughty, or nice?“ 

Yuuri deepened his voice on purpose and the husky drawl had Viktor releasing a shivery exhale while his hands busied themselves re-exploring the expanse of Yuuri’s exposed back.

How Yuuri could do a 180 degree turn on his personality in the blink of an eye, Viktor never completely understood. Though he’s not at all complaining. They both loved and enjoyed their ongoing game of surprises, the ever-thrilling push-and-pull.

Now that Yuuri pulled a juicy roleplay on him, Viktor did what he did best – he played along. Gladly.

“I’ve been good this year, Santa.” He wanted a kiss. He so badly wanted one, but he also wanted to have Yuuri yearning in his own game, so he leaned in impossibly closer instead until their foreheads touched. Even with this, Viktor managed to put on an innocent smile. “Ask my husband. He knows me best, and he also knows I’ve been behaving myself today, especially, at his request.”

Demand was more like it, Viktor thought to himself.

“Mmm, I know all about it. Good job today, my love. I’m so proud of you.” Viktor smiled wider at the praise and nuzzled their foreheads together. Gloved fingers traced Viktor’s lips and Yuuri’ eyes followed while Viktor drank in every heave of Yuuri’s chest, every breath out of those sinful lips. “But,” eyes traced back up to meet Viktor’s, irises so dark and blown, there were hardly any trace of honey brown left; but they rendered Viktor unmoving all the same. “I also know all about what you did with your husband just last week.”

Oh. 

Viktor’s cock twitched at the memory. 

Still, he kept up the act of a good boy; he tilted his head just slightly and blinked up the most googly eyes he could muster at Yuuri. He knew his eyes must look like Yuuri’s by now – dark and dilated with desire – but he ought to give it a shot. “What do you mean, Santa? Last week, I kept my husband spoiled, happy, and sated like usual. I’d made him…” Viktor paused to phrase it properly, “tremble with so much pleasure.” 

Yuuri’s shaky little gasp didn’t go unnoticed, but that didn’t put out the fire to take control in his eyes. The corner of Yuuri’s lips twitched into a smirk and Viktor’s heated gaze followed, once more outlining those glossy lips.

“Yes, you did, didn’t you? By shocking him with a boxful of sex toys and doing… unspeakable things to him for how many consecutive nights. Even during the day. He lost a lot of sleep because of that, you know. Although, he’s still a loving husband who’s grateful and forgives you, so don’t worry.”

Viktor closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, letting Yuuri’s scent and after shower smell fill his nostrils. He trembled as more of his blood rushed towards his nether regions by Yuuri’s sultry voice alone.

“You also enjoyed having them used on you, right? Remember that purple vibrator and how it hit just the right places? You looked so beautiful taking it inside of you, Vitya, loving every moment of it especially when it’s on its maximum vibration setting.” 

Viktor shivered almost uncontrollably. As if running a gloved finger against his chest and nipple wasn’t enough, Yuuri started kissing him now – from his jaw, to his cheek and eyelids, and finally, stopping at his ear. His mouth multi-tasked by nibbling on a lobe and continuing to whisper wicked words into Viktor’s system, leaving him intoxicated.

“Vibrators, nipple clamps, ropes, harnesses, cock rings, and many others – I don’t believe good boys are supposed to have those items, Vitya.”

Viktor had nothing against that. The said box served as proof, covered and well hidden under the bed.

“It begs the question: what kinds of dirty fantasies have you been imagining? What kinds of websites have you been visiting? What kinds of stores have you been buying from? For how long were you waiting for them to arrive on our doorstep? Was it torture, Vitya? Were you just dying to put them to good use?”

Whimpers escaped Viktor before he could completely hide them by burying his face against Yuuri’s shoulder. Yes, yes, yes! he wanted to shout. The wait was pure torture, but it had been worth it from the moment Yuuri’s eyes widened and he became as red as a tomato from head to toe at the sight of the package’s contents.

Viktor was putty under Yuuri’s words, but Yuuri also made the mistake of rocking his hips and grinding his ass against Viktor’s thigh. 

There, Viktor’s mind cleared somewhat thanks to the brilliant spark of idea it brought.

“How can I give you your gift when you haven’t been as good as you sai— ahhng.

“Santa,” Viktor rasped, licking a trail from Yuuri’s shoulder to his collarbone. “I don’t think you should be calling the kettle black this season of love.” Two of his fingers pressed harder against the round end of the butt plug obviously protruding between Yuuri’s cheeks and against the thin material of the shorts. Viktor gave a satisfied hum when Yuuri rocked against him and arched his back, pressing himself forward to Viktor’s chest while jutting his ass out further into Viktor’s touch and to drive the plug deeper. “You’ve been naughtier than me, it seems.”

The thought of Yuuri preparing himself in the bathroom moments before had Viktor biting and sucking onto whatever inch of skin his mouth can reach, leaving fresh marks over fading ones. Viktor’s other hand sneaked itself past the waistband of the shorts to grope and squeeze Yuuri’s ass, spreading his lover wider. Yuuri keened above him, gasping and moaning as he writhed deliciously.

“Oh, Viktor—“

“How about this, Santa: instead of tiring yourself and giving away gifts this year, why don’t I give you a gift instead?”

Viktor pulled back the slightest bit, giving Yuuri a dazed smile as he imprinted Yuuri’s wrecked expression into memory. He may have showered, but he was already covered in a light sheen of sweat. They both were. 

“Does that sound good?” 

Yuuri gulped, taking time to compose himself amidst the haze as much as he could and actually get some more air into his lungs.

“If that’s so…” Yuuri took a deep breath, and held Viktor’s gaze in his, “Use me, Vitya.

Finally, finally, Yuuri pressed their lips together, light and teasing and tongue flicking out to drive Viktor crazy. Before he could respond, Viktor jumped as a hand pushed past the waistband of Viktor’s sweatpants and stroked his leaking cock in a sensual manner, in a way that the gloves didn’t leave painful friction, but more of a feather light tingling pleasure instead. “Make it hard, make it fast. Make it so I won’t be able to walk out of here and give out the rest of the presents.”

A squeeze on Viktor’s cock. Another lick on Viktor’s lip. Then a pleading look in those heavy-lidded honey brown eyes.

Please?” 

A sudden movement, a cuss in Russian, a louder tingling of the collar bell, and Yuuri was laid on his back on the bed. They bounced a little from the force and Yuuri giggled, feeling safe and secure in Viktor’s arms, before Viktor locked lips with him in a vicious kiss. He opened his lips for Viktor to penetrate repeatedly, the bigger male pushing his tongue in and out of that warm cavern, giving Yuuri a taste of what was to come, returning the favor by grabbing fistfuls of silver hair and holding tight against shoulders, biceps, anywhere he could reach. Yuuri practically squirmed in pure desire for the man to ravish him.

“I get to have Santa all to myself this year.” Viktor thought out loud, looking at Yuuri with all the wonder and affection in his eyes through the fog. “How am I so lucky?” Their feelings abated the lust for a while and Yuuri took advantage of this, chuckling and leaving a chaste peck on Viktor’s swollen lips.

“You did everything for me, Viktor.” Honey brown orbs sparkled; eyes crinkled at the sides in a fond smile. “I love you.”

“I love you more.” Viktor leaned in for another kiss, slower, gentler than the last time, focusing more on meshing their lips together and touching tips with their tongue. It didn’t take long, however, for the fervor to increase by the second. 

Viktor broke the kiss, making sure to make that small smacking sound between their lips that Yuuri relished so much. The fog returned, and the sight of Yuuri beneath him, debauched with hair splayed all over the pillows and the Santa hat askew and barely hanging on, Viktor’s breathing grew heavy.

“Good.” Yuuri smirked, reaching to grab the Santa hat off of him completely to put it on Viktor’s head instead. He pulled it down as far as it could go, keeping it tight enough and secure. He wanted to see if it would last on that position for the night. 

When he was done, Yuuri laid back on the pillows, resting his arms above his head. Viktor’s hands followed to intertwine their fingers together, loving how Yuuri wore his gold ring over the gloves so he could still clearly see their matching gold bands glimmering in the light while they continued on with their roleplaying activities.

“So, Vitya,” Yuuri rolled his hips, rubbing their clothed erections together. “Are you going to be a nice once more this year and make good with your promise?”

Oh, hell yes. Viktor would have his way with Yuuri with only his tiny shorts missing while he kept on the rest. Yuuri would wrap his socks-clad legs around the Russian’s waist and Viktor would make that tiny, little bell ring violently to make rhythmic music along with Yuuri’s screams of his name, as he’d rut into that soft, welcoming body of his husband all throughout the night.

Viktor would make sure of it.

~~

xoxo ;)

The Russian Federation has an economy overdependent on oil and gas; together with armaments, they account for 90 percent of its exports. With long-term economic prospects ever dimmer, Russian demographers are also warning that the country is about to enter a demographic crisis similar to the one in the 1990s. Even when there is a population growth, the numbers of the newborn vary dramatically depending on religion and ethnicity, with an average Muslim growth rate far exceeding the national average. If this trend continues, Russia is on track to become a majority-Muslim country in the middle of this century. Like Israel, Russia may one day face a choice between ruling over a predominantly Muslim population or giving sovereignty to its Muslim enclaves.

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/18/opinion/russia-putin-national-identity.html?ref=opinion

Overdependency in Relationships

Overdependency is:

  • Desperately holding on to other people, places or things in an attempt to find meaning and purpose in your life.
  • Letting others do so much for you that it prevents you from developing your own sense of personal autonomy, independence, responsibility and accountability.
  • Being unwilling to let go of others so that you can find your own direction in life.
  • Refusing to formulate your own goals and dreams in case they don’t match those of the people you are dependent on.
  • Having a feeling of emptiness and worthlessness; feeling you “need to be needed” in order to be loved; or having your whole identity wrapped up in someone else.
  • Thinking sympathy and pity are the same thing as love.
  • Having a desperate need for approval; desperately fearing rejection and abandonment by the person you are dependent on; being clingy, possessive and jealous.
  • Lacking a belief in your own competency and ability to cope on your own.
  • Feeling stuck and immobilised because of a fear of failure, or the fear of making the wrong decision.
  • Having a fear of loneliness – which causes you to cling desperately to someone – even when you should let them go.

Overdependency is a control issue because:

  • You are handing control of your life and happiness over to someone else.
  • When you become too dependent on someone, you give them the power to control you.
  • People who are overdependent frequently use manipulation and other subversive control techniques to “hook” others into taking care of them – so that they can rescue, fix or save you. Alternatively, they may use intimidation, threats and coercion.
  • · They use the same hooks to prevent the person from detaching and walking away (For example, by threatening suicide)
  • · They may use the mask of “helplessness” to get others to take care of them, and do things for them.
  • · When forming close relationships, they deliberately look “fixers,” “caretakers” and “rescuers” – that is, they seek out people who are likely to assume responsibility for their wellbeing.

Freedom from overdependency:

  • First, recognise what is going on and be honest with yourself about your patterns and tendencies.
  • Second, recognise that you are a separate person from your partner (or family member). Thus, it’s up to you to assume responsibility for your own choices, decisions and actions (or lack of choosing, deciding and acting). In the same way, stop assume responsibility for, or try to control, the choices and behaviors of others. Don’t speak and act for them, don’t tell them what to do (or how to do it) or redo what they’ve done (as it isn’t the way you would have done it.)
  • · Notice your negative feelings – anxiety, fear, and even terror – and learn to face and manage these. This is one of the most powerful things you can do!
  • · Next, notice how critical you become when others don’t do things your way, or meet the standards that you set for them. Also, notice how you act in response to these feelings. Do you jump in, try to fix, get angry, pout, withdraw sexually and emotionally? It’s time to get rid of those unhealthy behaviours as they’re part of the pattern of dependency.
  • · Consciously work on your self-esteem.  Don’t look to others to make you happy, or to feel you have worth and significance. Healthy self-esteem comes from the inside out.
  • · Recognise the value of boundaries – and know where you end and another begins. Learn to establish and enforce your boundaries, and accept that others can choose for themselves – so don’t manipulate to try and get your way.
  • Stop blaming others for making you upset. We have control of how we think and feel. You’re not a helpless victim – you can choose how you will live, and what you will accept in your relationships.
  • · Don’t take the flack for, or defend others’ behaviour. Allow them let them to feel the consequences of their actions. Stop defending and enabling them.
  • · Get professional help.  Being dependent in relationships often has its roots in our early childhood experiences. You may some need help to unravel that, and better understand why you act the way you do.
Masterpost: MBTI & Maturity Level

The first half of life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it.“ - Carl Jung

The MBTI system was developed with an emphasis on psychologically healthy individuals, so generic type descriptions do not adequately address the variations that arise from developmental problems. The concept of ego development - the psychological growth of the self - is an important component of type that describes the degree to which people are able to express their type in a mature way, illuminating developmental issues and revealing the true potential of each type. Many individual differences between people of the same type can be explained by differences in ego development. Personality should ideally become more balanced as people mature, so problems can arise when people remain overdependent on their dominant type preferences. Learning about your level of ego development gives you a chance to correct personality imbalances through self-reflection and purposeful development.

  1. Levels of Ego Development
  2. Obstacles to Type Development
  3. Details for each type:

ISTJISFJESTJESFJ
ISTPISFPESTPESFP
INTJINFJENTJENFJ
INTPINFPENTPENFP


Read the full Type Development Guide: mbti-notes.tumblr.com/development

ford pines: cares for both his great niece and nephew, had his life literally ruined by his twin brother, was only appreciated by his parents because he could potentially make them money, has 12 phds despite not attending the school of his dreams (that he couldn’t attend because his brother didn’t tell him that he broke the machine), faced tons of bullying and abuse in his childhood because people called him a ‘freak’ and was mocked for his intelligence and interest in the supernatural and wants to keep dipper from facing that sort of lifestyle, has no intention of splitting dipper and mabel for malicious but knows that an overdependency on your twin is exactly what caused the rift between him and stan and doesnt want dippers life to be ruined like that, has spent roughly 30 years in a hellscape of a dimension because of a mistake his brother made and hasnt been around real people for that long and just wants to atone for his mistakes, literally threw himself in front of dipper when the alien prison was about to grab him and accepted the fact that he was going to spend the rest of his life in a space jail as long as dipper was safe, is a flawed character but is realistic and is a great character and person

yall: FORD IS SO ABUSIVE!!!!!!!!! HE HATES STAN FOR NO REASON AND IS PURPOSELY TRYING TO RIP APART DIPPER AND MABEL HES EVEN WORSE THAN BILL AND FILBRICK !!!!!!! HE IS THE TRUE VILLAIN OF GRA VITY FALLS FUCK FORD!!!!

A^3′s MBTI Analysis of Varrick

(Includes analysis of his relationships with Zhu Li and Asami)

lokg&m: whenever the magical unicorn A^3 drops by my inbox, I get a bit too excited for my own good. This essay does not disappoint in the slightest, especially in light of the amount of flack I’ve seen Varrick’s character get.

(You can read all of A^3′s other analyses from my roundup post; the MBTI specific ones have their own section)


Varrick: ENTP (Ne-Ti-Fe-Si)

Our first introduction to Varrick quickly establishes him as somebody who values ideas, inspiration, and innovation. Ne-doms are always focused on a myriad of contextual factors, playing around with them, and connecting them together to construct a larger pattern that can be used to extrapolate future outcomes. They are very future-oriented and driven to relentlessly explore possibilities, which makes them really good at brainstorming ideas. They make excellent entrepreneurs because of their uncanny ability to identify and catalyze new trends. ENTPs are enthusiastic people, energized by the sense of promise that each changing moment brings.

Although Varrick was born into a poor family, he managed to turn a small local business into a global enterprise. Even with a successful business empire under his belt, he is always on the lookout for more opportunities to innovate and improve. His portrayal often feels a bit one-dimensional because of his overdependence on Ne. If he could utilize Ti-aux a bit more effectively, he would refine his ideas and implement more careful solutions to problems. Unfortunately, he often relies on others to do this detailed work while he carelessly flits from one interest to another. One major weakness of ENTPs is precisely this inability to take ideas all the way through to completion; they prefer to explore potential rather than trudge through the process of realizing it. At their worst, they seem brash, hasty, scattered, easily distracted, and unreliable.

Keep reading

untitled (jongyu; jinkitty au)

Haha. So, my twitter tl is so obsessed with jinkitty right now and came up with all sorts of scenarios so I tried writing one of them as an exercise. I couldn’t make it into a full fic, though, sorry. I hope I can write more properly after this :). Um, warning for kitty!jinki, of course.

1434 words

“So, like I said, I just need one of you to take Jinki in for a few days while I’m in the school trip.”

When his three friends just sat in front of him, mouths open, Jonghyun turned to his cat, who sat quietly beside him on the couch. He then picked a piece of sausage from his plate and brought it near Jinki, who sniffed at the sausage warily before taking it into his mouth.

Keep reading

  • boy to girl: I will protect you with my life. You are everything to me.
  • tumblr: HE LOVES HER SO MUCH FUCK ME IN THE ASS OTP
  • girl to boy: I will protect you with my life. You are everything to me.
  • tumblr: wow.... that is SO problematic for her to put his life above her own, because she's too dependent on him to be her own person.. she is such a weak character and an obsessive stalker whose life revolves around her boyfriend wow truly disgusting.. he is her everything, which implies that she would probably commit suicide if he died or be miserable for the rest of her sad life. she shows too much emotion and her protectiveness borderlines obsession - what a shitty, flawed, and misogynistic female character. she has such little self worth that she would sacrifice herself for someone she cares about. her characterization is so problematic and sexist it is ridiculous - why can't we have a strong female character for once? her overdependence on her love interest renders her an overemotional and clingy whore. honestly this is such an unhealthy and terrible relationship it's disgusting
MBTI & Development: INFJ

To get the most out of this profile, familiarize yourself with the concept of ego development. Applying this concept to MBTI typology can shine a light on the potential strengths, weaknesses, problems, or pitfalls of your type. Use this profile as a guide for building self-awareness as well as for understanding which areas to focus on for personal development.

INFJ (Functional Stack: Ni-Fe-Ti-Se)

  • Core Values: vision, insight, harmony
  • Strengths: quickly see obscure connections and generate creative ideas, oriented towards helping others
  • Weaknesses: unrealistic in approach, overly idealistic in perspective, too concerned about the opinions of others
  • Shadow Conflicts: Ne seen as draining, overwhelming, illogical, confused; Se seen as meaningless, thrill-seeking, irresponsible, short-sighted; Si seen as narrow-minded, persnickety, self-limiting

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

INFP + INTP relationship?

[see this post for relationship tips]

INFP (Fi-Ne-Si-Te) + INTP (Ti-Ne-Si-Fe)

Potential for Conflict:

  • Fi v. Fe: Both types tend to be fairly inexpressive in terms of being difficult to read. INFPs are quite in touch with their own inner experiences especially feelings and emotions, whereas INTPs struggle with processing emotion and reading others. Thus, it would be easy for both sides to misunderstand the other through misinterpreting intentions, motivations, or expectations.
  • Ne: Both types like to explore a variety of ideas and possibilities but INFPs tend to focus on human experience whereas INTPs tend to focus on abstract systemic knowledge. Thus, INFPs might see INTPs as too detached or out of touch, and INTPs might see INFPs as naive or unrealistic.
  • Si: Both types can use Si to be more detail-oriented but can also use Si defensively to obsess about the past or some insignificant details. So, if both types were being defensive, it could create distance as both withdraw into their own corners. Both types tend to have difficulty attending to routines and schedules.
  • Te v. Ti: INFPs tend to devalue impersonal critical analysis, whereas INTPs understand the world analytically. Thus, INFPs might see INTPs as cold, inconsiderate, or neglectful, and INTPs might see INFPs as irrational, unreliable, or ineffective.
  • Both are introverted and tend to withdraw easily from others especially during conflicts.

Opportunities for Growth and Balance:

  • This pair could complement each other well if both were mature enough to learn from the other and be accepting of differences. INFPs could learn from INTPs to approach problems more analytically and sort through issues in a careful and precise manner. INTPs could learn from INFPs to get more in touch with themselves and become more aware of their own feelings and personal needs which would allow them to navigate social life better.
  • Both types are idealists so it would be important to learn to look at situations more realistically through better attention to facts/details, rather than getting lost in abstractions and ignoring more immediate concerns.
  • Both types tend to find it difficult to be organized and maintain routine, so it would be important to learn how to make and implement plans better as well as fulfill responsibilities in a timely fashion.
  • Since both are introverted there might be a tendency to become overdependent on each other for social connection. Thus, it would be important for both types to get out more and have a social life outside of the relationship.
  • Both types are not good at communicating their own needs and dissatisfaction in a forthright manner. INFPs often have difficulty expressing their private selves and INTPs often have difficulty understanding their own emotional and relationship needs. Thus, it would be important for both types to learn how to communicate better especially in the event of emotional conflicts. INFPs should avoid blame, projection, or accusation, and INTPs should avoid overly harsh or critical language.
  • Keep an open mind about each other’s interests and passions. Find a creative activity that both of you can enjoy together. Share more with each other and communicate more often in terms of your private thoughts, feelings, hopes, concerns, etc., in order to build deeper intimacy and trust. Have fun playing around with ideas or imagination.

[see this post for relationship tips]

INTP (Ti-Ne-Si-Fe) + INTJ (Ni-Te-Fi-Se)

Potential for Conflict:

  • Ti v. Te: INTPs tend to take more time to form their own subjective understanding of reality, whereas INTJs tend to focus more on external systems of order and efficiency. Thus, INTPs might see INTJs as rigid or uptight, and INTJs might see INTPs as procrastinating or ineffectual.
  • Ne v. Ni: Both types tend to value intellectual exploration. INTPs tend to pursue a wider range of ideas and possibilities, whereas INTJs are more focused on discovering a single unified truth. So, INTPs might see INTJs as boring, narrow-minded, or too serious, and INTJs might view INTPs as unfocused, disorganized, or misguided.
  • Si v. Se: Both types have a tendency to be out of touch with the sensory side of life, sometimes overlooking important concrete facts or details that might not fit with their conception of the world. They can use Si/Se defensively to become a bit obsessive about details, and this might result in each seeing the other as stubborn or nitpicky.
  • Fe v. Fi: Both types can have trouble with handling people sensitively and usually find it difficult to process/express feelings and emotions. This might make it hard to resolve relationships conflicts. INTPs might see INTJs as too harsh or critical, and INTJs might see INTPs as too oblivious or lacking in common sense.
  • Both are introverted and might find it difficult to satisfy their own and others’ social and emotional needs.

Keep reading

MBTI & Development: ISFP

To get the most out of this profile, familiarize yourself with the concept of ego development. Applying this concept to MBTI typology can shine a light on the potential strengths, weaknesses, problems, or pitfalls of your type. Use this profile as a guide for building self-awareness as well as for understanding which areas to focus on for personal development.

ISFP (Functional Stack: Fi-Se-Ni-Te)

  • Core Values: equality, caretaking, freedom, congruence (between inner and outer self)
  • Strengths: guided by personal values, concerned with providing practical help to people/causes they believe in
  • Weaknesses: self-righteous, self-absorbed, harshly judgmental of people they disagree with, distorted value system
  • Shadow Conflicts: Fe seen as intrusive, interfering, meddlesome, desperate to be liked; Te seen as hasty, impersonal, domineering, overwhelming; Ti seen as detached, too formulaic, lacking human touch

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

What about an infp and an infj

[see this post for relationship tips]

INFP (Fi-Ne-Si-Te) + INFJ (Ni-Fe-Ti-Se)

Potential for Conflict:

  • Fi v. Fe: Both types are people-oriented but INFPs tend to defend individual experience whereas INFJs tend to defend social values. INFPs might be too inexpressive and this might lead INFJs to overanalyze the relationship or project things onto the INFP that do not exist. INFJs might sabotage the relationship by having too many unreasonable expectations and INFPs might respond to this by clamming up or retreating into self-defense. Neither type is good at expressing their personal/emotional needs in a forthright manner and this can lead to disappointments or unresolved resentments.
  • Ne v. Ni: Both types are idealists and hold strong convictions. However, intellectually, INFPs are less structured in their pursuit of knowledge than INFJs. INFPs are more willing to follow tangents and dead-ends whereas INFJs are much more focused in terms of wanting to confirm their ideas/theories. Thus, INFPs might see INFJs as narrow-minded or stubborn, and INFJs might see INFPs as impractical or living in a fantasy world.
  • Si v. Se: INFPs can use Si defensively to retreat into brooding about the past, which can lead to them having low self-esteem. INFJs can use Se defensively to overindulge in sensory pleasures to cover up stress or personal problems, which can lead to a form of self-hatred. Both types can get obsessive about insignificant details. This combination of defensive behaviors can potentially be quite destructive for a relationship.
  • Te v. Ti: INFPs are very resistant to perceived external control or structure, and INFJs might see this as vain, lazy, or obstinate. INFJs are analytical but can use Ti to defend their problematic behaviors or tear the other person down, and INFPs might view this as unreasonable or cruel.
  • Both are introverted and this can lead to an overdependence on each other for social connection. Both tend to avoid/withdraw from conflict and this could lead to a build up of problems or an unhealthy cycle of poor communication.

Opportunities for Growth and Balance:

  • INFP: Remember that INFJs are sensitive just like you. They need some external signs of care and affection in order to feel the relationship is healthy, so be more willing to open up about your private thoughts and feelings. They will see this as a sign of trust and intimacy. INFJ: Remember that INFPs are sensitive just like you. They are always avoiding hurting/harming others and this can make them seem stand-offish or evasive. They have strong values so do not press too hard on their beliefs if you do not understand where they are coming from. If their behavior is ambiguous or unclear, try to inquire in a reasonable manner, instead of using a judgmental or accusatory tone.
  • INFP: Remember that INFJs are focused people who seek a sense of closure and do not like uncertainty. Fulfill your promises/duties in a timely and never leave them hanging. INFJ: Remember that INFPs are creative people who like to explore possibilities, so be more willing to indulge their “flights of fancy”. Take more interest in their hobbies/activities. They like to keep their options open and do not like to feel tied down, so give them some flexibility in meeting demands or obligations.
  • When you are having problems (either individually or in the relationship), share those issues and concerns with each other. Listen to each other empathetically. INFP: Remember that you have to talk about problems in order to solve them, even if people get angry or hurt in the process. The longer you leave problems to fester, the more harmful it is in the long run for everybody. INFJ: Do not follow the urge to “fix” problems for INFPs. Sometimes they need a lot of time to come to terms with some negative event. Lend them a sympathetic ear and do not judge them. Encourage them to open up but do not push them into anything they are not comfortable with. Be patient.
  • Improve your communication skills so you can talk about problems and needs openly in a reasonable and calm manner. Avoid hurling blame, accusations, or insults. Focus on the action/behavior and not the person.
  • Get out more. Do some volunteer, community, or charity work together. Have friends outside of the relationship. Do not focus unhealthy amounts of attention on each other.
Overdependency in Relationships

Overdependency is:

·  Desperately holding on to other people, places or things in an attempt to find meaning and purpose in your life.

·  Letting others do so much for you that it prevents you from developing your own sense of personal autonomy, independence, responsibility and accountability.

·  Being unwilling to let go of others so that you can find your own direction in life.

·  Refusing to formulate your own goals and dreams in case they don’t match those of the people you are dependent on.

·  Having a feeling of emptiness and worthlessness; feeling you “need to be needed” in order to be loved; or having your whole identity wrapped up in someone else.

·  Thinking sympathy and pity are the same thing as love.

·  Having a desperate need for approval; desperately fearing rejection and abandonment by the person you are dependent on; being clingy, possessive and jealous.

·  Lacking a belief in your own competency and ability to cope on your own.

·  Feeling stuck and immobilised because of a fear of failure, or the fear of making the wrong decision.

·  Having a fear of loneliness – which causes you to cling desperately to someone – even when you should let them go.

Overdependency is a control issue because:

·  You are handing control of your life and happiness over to someone else.

·  When you become too dependent on someone, you give them the power to control you.

·  People who are overdependent frequently use manipulation and other subversive control techniques to “hook” others into taking care of them – so that they can rescue, fix or save you. Alternatively, they may use intimidation, threats and coercion.

· They use the same hooks to prevent the person from detaching and walking away (For example, by threatening suicide)

· They may use the mask of “helplessness” to get others to take care of them, and do things for them.

· When forming close relationships, they deliberately look “fixers,” “caretakers” and “rescuers” – that is, they seek out people who are likely to assume responsibility for their wellbeing.

Freedom from overdependency:

·  First, recognise what is going on and be honest with yourself about your patterns and tendencies.

·  Second, recognise that you are a separate person from your partner (or family member). Thus, it’s up to you to assume responsibility for your own choices, decisions and actions (or lack of choosing, deciding and acting). In the same way, stop assume responsibility for, or try to control, the choices and behaviors of others. Don’t speak and act for them, don’t tell them what to do (or how to do it) or redo what they’ve done (as it isn’t the way you would have done it.)

· Notice your negative feelings – anxiety, fear, and even terror – and learn to face and manage these. This is one of the most powerful things you can do!

· Next, notice how critical you become when others don’t do things your way, or meet the standards that you set for them. Also, notice how you act in response to these feelings. Do you jump in, try to fix, get angry, pout, withdraw sexually and emotionally? It’s time to get rid of those unhealthy behaviours as they’re part of the pattern of dependency.

· Consciously work on your self-esteem.  Don’t look to others to make you happy, or to feel you have worth and significance. Healthy self-esteem comes from the inside out.

· Recognise the value of boundaries – and know where you end and another begins. Learn to establish and enforce your boundaries, and accept that others can choose for themselves – so don’t manipulate to try and get your way.

·  Stop blaming others for making you upset. We have control of how we think and feel. You’re not a helpless victim – you can choose how you will live, and what you will accept in your relationships.

· Don’t take the flack for, or defend others’ behaviour. Allow them let them to feel the consequences of their actions. Stop defending and enabling them.

· Get professional help.  Being dependent in relationships often has its roots in our early childhood experiences. You may some need help to unravel that, and better understand why you act the way you do.