It was a process. At first, I had to forgive you even though I wanted nothing else but to hate every piece of your being. That was probably the hardest part. Forgiving someone who’s knowingly hurt you when you believed they would never do such a thing is next to impossible.
Then, I had to accept that you care more about her than you ever cared about me. I still don’t think that you two are cute. I probably never will. But you’re together and you’re happy, so I guess that’s all that really matters. My opinion is completely irrelevant. She probably hates me anyway so it wouldn’t matter.
Then I had to let it go. I didn’t stop caring; I just stopped worshipping the ground that you walked on. I put you down on the same level that we’re all on; the one where we’re all shitty people with good intentions. We screw up a lot. You screwed up with me. I wasn’t so great either. That’s okay. I forgive you. I hope you forgive me, too.
But I knew I was okay again when I listened to “Over You” by Daughtry and fully believe every word of that song this morning. I woke up thinking of a boy with eyes like a storm instead of you and yours that are like a calm sea. (I like ferocious storms of people more than calm and predictable ones anyway.) I listened to “Begin Again” by Taylor Swift and imagined starting over with someone new. I’m over you. I’m okay again. It’s beautiful.
i stopped accepting crap and demanded something more from life // an excerpt from a book i’ll never write #63
Remember the last time we saw each other? In your little blue car…. We poured our hearts out to one another. We cried on each other’s shoulders. I confessed my love to you. You confessed your love to me. But you didn’t confess that this was going to be the last night I saw you. Two hundred and twenty-one days later, I still remember this night clearly.
You stopped by to pick up your (very) late Christmas present. You knew how bad I had been, and asked what was wrong. We walked to your little blue car, put the windows down on that cold chilly moonlit night, and talked. I told you everything that was happening to me: My ex-boyfriend and his new guy. A friend that I thought I could trust. And a lover that broke my heart. I also told you I was in a very dark place. Do you remember what I said to you? I’m too ashamed to confess what I did to myself. Please don’t make me say it. I don’t want to see you cry again. Your beautiful emerald looking eyes don’t deserve to have tears in them. They need to keep sparkling and smiling.
After we cried together, I confessed my love to you. I didn’t expect you to say anything. I didn’t expect you to feel the same way. I just wanted you to listen. I remember looking into those dazzling green eyes, holding your hand, and telling you: “I know this sounds cheesy. And I know that it may not seem true. But this is the truth. I promise. I love you. I love you so much. And I want to let you know that I will always love you. No matter what. I don’t care if you’re with someone new. I don’t care if I’m with someone new. I don’t even care if I haven’t talked to you in months, or even years. I will always love you.” You didn’t say anything. You just looked at me with those watery green eyes. You nodded and a tear fell down your cheek.
Then, I asked you what you wanted from me. You said: “I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what I want. I never know what the right choice is. I never know what the right thing to do is. I always hurt you. I don’t want to keep hurting you. We had a lot of fun. And that’s all I wanted at first. And that’s what happened. I liked you. I really did. A lot. Then things changed. I wanted to hang out with you every day and be with you every day. And we did that. I wanted to be closer to you. And we did that too. Then stuff happened, and I got scared. I don’t know. I was scared to be happy. I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I wasn’t prepared at all for how I felt about you. I didn’t know how to take it to the next level. I didn’t know how to be your boyfriend.”
These words still bring tears to my eyes. It’s as if we are star-crossed; forever living different paths in our lives that don’t have any connection in the end, denying us of any chance of living a life together. But how can that be when we are existing at the same time? You’re alive. I’m alive. And I have never felt more alive with anyone else than when I’m with you. Just the way you look at me with those alluring eyes is what convinces me that you are in love with me too. So why aren’t you with me now? Why are you with someone else? Is it because she can give you a family? Is it because you want to believe she’s the one for you? Not just you though, for your whole family. She’s someone they will accept. Nobody would accept me into your family. I think we both know that for sure.
Two hundred and twenty-one days have passed since that night happened. I’ve gone through many stages of: Hating you. Worrying about you. Wondering if you’re dead. Wondering if you’re alive. Pretending you’re dead. Wishing for your presence. All while still loving you. It’s torture.
I don’t know if I should give up. But a part of me feels that I will never find anybody like you. Nobody’s going to look at me the way you did. Nobody’s going to touch me the way you did. Nobody’s going to care about me the way you did. And nobody’s going to understand me the way you do. Every time I talk to someone new, I compare them to you. I know that’s wrong, but it’s true and I can’t help it. That’s when I start to believe that they’re not good enough for me. Because I need to find somebody that’s so good that they make me forget about you… I know that’s not fair and I think that’s what keeps me from letting people in. I put this steel cage around my heart when you left me, and you’re the only one with the key to open it. I just wish you would talk to me. I wish you would tell me to move on, but your silence speaks louder than words. It drives me crazy; leads me to believe that I did something wrong, but I didn’t. Maybe it’s your way of keeping me in the sidelines when things get bad with you and her. I don’t see how that’s fair, but I love you so much that I don’t care. I’ll take any excuse you give me to come back, so long as I get to see your face again.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for getting close to you. I’m sorry for burdening you with my problems. I’m sorry for loving you. I’m sorry for all of this. Maybe things would’ve been simpler if we just didn’t meet. But as people say, “Two souls don’t just meet by simple coincidence.” I start to wonder why you came into my life. Or was it I that came into yours? I wonder if you’ll ever come back to me, even as a friend. I miss you. I miss you so dearly. Please stay alive while I exist. Whether it’s a year or ten, I will wait for you. Because I love you, and I want to believe that we are meant to be together. I want to wake up every morning to those lovely green eyes of yours.
I wanted to tell you that I forgive you. I forgive you for pretending that I don’t exist. I forgive you for leaving me with no explanation. I forgive you for choosing her over me. I forgive you for falling for me. I get it now. We are just simply not meant to be.
You know me… I always have so much to say to you. I could write books about my love for you. But I have one more important thing to say….
Love always and forever, The boy with the brown eyes
May I request a Drabble about giving Hanzo kisses on his cheekbones? ~ poutypanic <3
Hanzo grunts, barely looking up from his reading. He may not like to admit it openly, but he likes to wear blue-light glasses. It took a long time for you to learn this bit of information, and even longer before the archer was comfortable enough to wear them in your presence (though, you have made some comments about how he squints a lot when he’s reading). They’re little things that sit snugly on the bridge of his nose, resting just so on his sharp cheek bones. You stare at them for a moment before reaching over, ghosting your fingers over his cheek.
He still does not look up to acknowledge you. It’s a subtle motion, but his face leans a touch firmer against your hand, almost nudging it like a cat would when it desires attention. You grin, the implicit permission to do as you wish, granted.
He’s no stranger to your desire for displays of affection. You’re selfish, he knows, but he can’t say that he hates willful people. Far from it. (Long ago, he would’ve said that he wanted
docility from a partner, someone who is predictable and quiet. As it is, reality never ever seems to line up with fantasy.)
However, Hanzo does not quite expect you to climb over his lap, straddling his legs, and he jerks back, sinking deeper into the pillows propped against the headboard so he could see his tablet better.
Though, that’s interrupted when you lean in–he catches the glimpse of a devilish smile–and give him a soft open-mouthed kiss just under the rim of his glasses.
“You are being ridiculous,” he scoffs. It’s cheesy beyond belief, but each word warms him in a way that he has only recently become comfortable with. You kiss him again on the other cheek this time, pressing a hand on the tablet to give yourself more room.
Your other hand slides against his loose hair, and he cranes his head to receive more of that touch.
“Stop that, I am trying to read.”
Despite his half-assed protests, there is the barest hint of a smile on his face that steadily begins to grow with each press of your lips against his face.
“The absolute best.”
The ghost of a kiss, teasing, skims against his anxious lips. Then you pull away with a teasing wink. With a huff, he finally tosses his tablet and glasses onto the nightstand where they slip, ignored, onto the carpeted floor.
Peals of screeching laughter pours from your mouth as Hanzo shoves you down onto your back, bouncing on the bed, engulfing you with his bulk before pressing a flurry of smiling kisses against your face, and claiming your lips in a firm lock.
“Johnathan’s whereabouts have been located and he is heard to be in Edom”. Silence filled the room as Alec gave his speech to the whole institute. “Our main priority is to bring Johnathan back to Idris…dead or alive. I, personally, will take my team there and successfully follow out with this mission. Everyone else, you’re my eyes and ears. If Johnathan is seen or heard from by anyone at all I want to know about it, no matter how small the detail is. Everything matters…dismissed”. With that final word everyone, slowly, returned to their work stations and resumed with their work. “We are meeting Magnus later on today to summon the demon who will take us there. Guys, this is an extremely dangerous mission, we might not all make it”, Jace said as he put his arm around Clary. “God you are such a drama queen”, I said trying to lighten the mood whilst winking at Jace. Alec came over and wrapped his arms around me from behind, feeling his warm embrace was reassuring. “I’m bringing Simon”, Izzy demanded. Before Alec could start refusing she finished, “If there is a chance I’m not gonna make it I want to be with him”. I tightened my grip around Alec’s hand, telling him to just agree. Why shouldn’t Izzy be with the one she loved, especially at this time. I had Alec by my side, Clary had Jace.
Alec and Jace went to have one last meeting with the inquisitor before the mission. I went back up to mine and Alec’s shared room to get ready when Izzy and Clary knocked on the door. “You ready to kick ass?”, Izzy asked as she jumped onto my bed. “When am I not?”, I grabbed my weapon holsters and wrapped them around my waist and legs. Clary sat next to Izzy, “How are you feeling?”, she asked with a hint of sympathy. I lived life as a mundane for the first 16 years of my life, I had only been a Shadowhunter for 3 years. My parents didn’t know anything about the shadow world, all they knew was that I was going through a gothic phase with an obsession with ‘weird looking tattoos’. I always made sure that I made time to see my family, however that was ripped away from me a few months back. Johnathan had killed them, whether it was an attempt for answers…I didn’t know. All I knew was that it was evil. I took a deep breath before answering, “Truthfully…I’ve never felt more ready”.
We met up with Magnus in the courtyard of the institute. “The demon I’m summoning is a greater demon. He will ask what he gets in return in which we will offer a trade of his choice. You do not break the circle at ANY point. Do you all understand me?”. Sheepish nods were given from everyone as we stood in a circle at different points of the pentagram. We joined hands and Magnus said the words. There was a loud cracking noise like really close thunder and a gush of strong wind whirled around us forming a grey looking cloud in the centre of the circle. A deep booming voice echoed, “Who dare summon the great Azazel”. Magnus was speechless, he had summoned demons before but not ones as powerful as Azazel as it was a death wish. He finally spoke with a stutter, “A-Azazel, it is I, Magnus Bane, the high warlock of Brooklyn. We would like acceptance to enter Edom”. Azazel laughed, “And what do I get in return of this?…”, he thought for a minute. “I get one special memory from each of you with the person you cherish the most”.
Izzy went first, it appeared in front of us like a projection. It was of her first date with Simon, he had taken her to a Star Wars movie marathon at the movie theatre and although it wouldn’t have been her first choice for a date…or any of her choices for that matter, watching his face light up in the hope of her liking something he enjoyed so much was all she cared about. She started crying after the memory had disappeared and Simon was trying to hold back the tears.
He was next, it was of the both of them sitting in the Jade Wolf. It had just been after there first date and they had gone there from the movies for a ‘romantic’ meal/the only place Simon could afford. She was trying to reassure him that she loved Star Wars even though she got all the questions wrong from the quiz he made her do. But he didn’t say that she was wrong, he realised that she was trying for him and that was all he needed.
Clary’s memory was of her trying to teach Jace mundane driving. He kept stalling the car and even nearly ran an old lady over as he got the accelerate and brake pedal mixed up. All Clary did was sit there and hysterically laughed, she was the one who was meant to be guiding him but she couldn’t even see the road from the tears forming in her eyes from how hilarious she found the whole thing. But it was special to her because it finally shown something that Jace Herondale couldn’t do, and she loved him even more for that.
Jace’s was simple, it was his first kiss with Clary. From the outside it didn’t look like anything special and it certainly didn’t look romantic as they were covered in demon blood and surrounded by bodies however for Jace, it was when he finally realised that Valentine was wrong. All his life he was taught that to love is to destroy and that to be loved is to be the one destroyed but this moment proved that not be true. It proved that love didn’t make you weak, it made you stronger.
Magnus was the next person in the circle and it wasn’t hard to guess where he was and what he was doing. He was in his apartment…in his blue chair…with a glass of whisky in his hand with the rest of the bottle not too far away. He was accompanied by Camille Belcourt, the person who he had loved for centuries, and one of his closest friends, Ragnor Fell. He had lost them both to Valentine’s army and the number of warlocks were decreasing. It was a memory of old times, it was his memory of the only people he once called family.
After it had disappeared into the grey smoke, it was Alec’s turn. It was the night of our first time, luckily it didn’t show anything inappropriate but it was the lead up to it. It was passionate and it was the first night we opened up to each other. I opened up about my family and he opened up about his feelings and told me how he felt, it was the first night he realised that he could love and he could actually have a happy ending. His grip on my hand became tighter as he watched that memory vanish forever.
It was finally my turn, it shown the night I introduced Alec to my parents. I brought him round to my parents house and we all had dinner. My dad was so protective and asked him loads of questions and the look of panic on Alec’s face was priceless! It was the only time I had actually seen his scared of someone, my mum loved him. She said he was kind and she knew that he was the one for me. It was the night I realised that Alec was my soul mate. I wanted to break the circle and just run to my room. When my memory had gone I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I just burst into tears. Alec didn’t know what to do, he wanted to come and comfort me but we couldn’t break the circle.
He started shouting, “Y/N it’s gonna be okay!”. I looked at him but I couldn’t hear anything else, the thunder noise grew louder and louder and we were swept up for a second and crashed back down onto the ground. It took a minute for me to get to my feet but when I did I realised we weren’t in the courtyard of the institute anymore. We were in Edom. It was dull, everywhere was near enough pitch black apart from fire and flames that lit the place up a bit. The screams, roars and screeches of demons filled the atmosphere. But we didn’t have time to take the beautiful surroundings in as demons came running towards us from every direction. “GUYS QUICK”, I shouted, grabbing my seraph blade from my holster, as they were all only just recovering from the fall.
After several arrows, knives, blades and axes had been thrown there was only 1 figure in the distance and we all knew who it was. So much anger and hate grew inside of me. Alec recognised this and pulled me back by gabbing my arm. Johnathan started to run at us, I jolted out of Alec’s grip and ran at him. “Y/N NO!”. Alec shouted behind me but nothing was enough to stop me now. Our blades clang together as they collided in the air. I swung for his stomach, he defended himself. He swung for my face, I ducked. He kicked the blade out of my hands, knowing I had no other weapons left I swung my fist and it made contact with his face. He stood back, wiping the blood away from his bust lip. I picked up my blade from the ground and readied myself again. I looked over at the others, more and more demons were circling them. “Do you even remember them?”. I asked, squinting my eyes in hatred. We walked in circles facing each other, like lions prowling and waiting for the other to make the next move. “Do you remember slaughtering my parents?”, I spat the question out with as much poison I could muster. He smirked and lunged towards me, knocking me to the ground. He stood over me, gliding his finger tips on the surface of his seraph blade. Every move was threatening. “I do remember killing your parents. I remember their screams and their pathetic plea to spare their lives, it was music to my ears. I rather enjoyed killing them, watching them suffer. You see I did it because of you, I wanted you to crumble. You were the one that I was most worried about, you were strong and powerful but once I killed them, I took that all away. Now you’re pathetic and weak because thats what happens when you love someone. I’ll slaughter Alec and everyone of your friends until everyone you care about is dead”, his smirk took form of a full smile now. Rage filled inside of me, he did not get to take the rest of my family away from me. I kicked at both of his legs and he fell on his back letting out a grunt. I grabbed my blade and stood over him. “I forgive you. Because I feel sorry for you. You’ve never loved and you’ve never been loved. You’ll never have something special with anyone…”. I crouched down and looked him in the eye, “…that’s weakness”. I drove my sword into his chest and backed away, watching the black demon blood spill from his mouth and run from his wound. Then he lay motionless. I heard footsteps grow louder and louder behind me but I couldn’t take my eyes off of Johnathan’s body. “Y/N are you okay?! Are you hurt?”. Alec pulled me into a tight hug and then assessed my body to see if there were any wounds. All the others caught up and stared at the body that lay before them. Alec noticed that I was in shock, “He can’t hurt you anymore”. “He said he was going to kill you guys…I couldn’t lose you too”. I burst into tears and buried myself into his chest.
After I had calmed down, Magnus arranged us into a circle again to summon Azazel so we could get home. The thunder and the smoke came once again and the booming voice echoed. “If you wish to go back, someone must pay the price”. Magnus spoke, elements of curiosity and worry visible in his voice, “And what would that be?”. Azazel broke into a laugh, “I want more than one memory. From one of you I want your entire memory and knowledge of the shadow world”. Izzy gasped. “Azazel please, there has to be something else you could desire from us”, Jace pleaded but it was no use. Azazel had made up his mind and it was final. No one spoke for a while, we were allowed to break the circle until we made a decision, Azazel could take form in Edom so he didn’t need to stay in the pentagram. “I’ll do it”, I whispered, too quiet for anyone to hear. “What?”, Alec asked coming closer to me. “I’ll do it”, I shouted so that everyone could hear me. Alec flipped, “NO NO NO! You’re not doing it and thats final”. “Alec if I forget about the shadow world, I forget about knowing how my parents died”. “Y/N if you do this you will be a mundane-“. I cut him off, “Alec I was a mundane for 16 years of my life”. I walked and placed a hand on his cheek, “I’ll be okay”. Jace walked closer to me, “Y/N you can’t do this, we can find another way”. “Jace we know there isn’t another way, we can’t compromise with a greater demon…You guys have been in this world way longer than me, I’ve only been here for 3 years-“. This time Alec interrupted “You’ll forget about me…you’ll forget about all of us”. He was crying, he was too upset to hide it and there wasn’t a dry eye from anyone. “Alec I will never forget you. And in my heart I will always be sure that I will never forget any of you”. I turned to face him and lifted his chin up so his eyes met mine. “I can’t express how much I love you Alec. You are my everything. But I have to do this, for me..and I can’t let anyone else do it, it’s not fair”. “I’ll do it, just please don’t do it. I need you, you’re the only person I have ever loved and you’re the one who taught me how. I can’t do any of this without you. Please Y/N”. Every word made everything harder and harder to the point where I was uncontrollably crying. “We’ll meet again Alec. I’m sure of it. We have something so special t-that it will make us find our…our way back to each other”. I tried to smile as I lifted his head up again, “And hey, we can fall in love all over again and it will be the most amazing thing”.
After we had a minute, I wiped my tears away and turned to the others to see Clary gasping for air in Jace’s arms because she was crying that bad. Jace was staring at me with tears rolling down his face and Izzy and Simon were buried into each other. Magnus stood with Clary, looking down at the floor. I moved from Alec’s side, ready to say my goodbyes.
I went to Magnus first, “Bye poppet…I will always look out for you, I promise”. “You always have”, I smiled, making my grip on our hug get tighter. “Thank you for everything Magnus, I can’t thank you enough for what you have done for me”.
Next was Clary, she went from Jace’s arms to mine, still hysterically sniffling into my shoulder. “My little ginger nut! Don’t cry, everything is going to be fine”. I held in the urge to cry will her because I knew things weren’t going to be fine, far from it. “Thank you for being the best best friend. You’ve grown so much and I’m so lucky I got to witness that. You’ve gone from the clumsy oaf that I knew from the get go that I wanted to be best friends with to one bad ass demon slayer that I am in awe over! I love you”. She pulled away, wiping her hair away from her face, “Thank you for being the best best friend a girl could ask for”. I gave her another tight hug and a kiss and then it was Jace’s turn.
He gathered me in his arms and held me tight. “Thank you so much for protecting me all these years Jace. No matter what the situation you always had my back, you don’t know how much it all meant to me”. “Hey what are big bros for”, he winked as he let me go. I always said Jace was like the big brother I never had, he was always there ready to beat someone up whenever I was upset (that included Alec sometimes).
Next up was Simon, “The only vamp that I have ever liked!”, I said with a teasing smirk, “I never saw you as a vampire Simon, you were always just Simon to me. Whatever you were none of that mattered and I want you to remember that. But if you hurt Izzy I will find you…and I will kill you”. He nodded and smiled, appreciating the ‘Taken” quote, too upset for words. I hugged him and whispered in his ear, “When you pop the question make sure you take her to a star wars marathon, it will be so romantic!”. He had been planning on proposing to Izzy after the Jonathan situation had be handled. He nodded again and stepped back so I could get to Izzy.
“Where do I start with you Iz. You were the best parabatai I could’ve ever asked for. We were one and we will forever be one. I will always cherish and I will never forget our times together, like that time we both got ridiculously drunk and stumbled into the institute and your mum was stood waiting for us and you puked all over her shoes! She was so pissed”. She eventually formed a smile and stood to give me a hug. She whispered in my ear, “We’ll be parabatai forever, no matter what”. “No matter what”, I repeated.
Alec was the last one. I looked over to where I had left him, still slumped on the floor, staring in the same place. I walked over and knelt next to him. I put my head on his shoulder and he cuddled me into his chest. “You were my first love…the first person I have ever loved…the person I will always love. I love y-you Alec Lightwood, and nothing will ever make me forget that. This isn’t the end for us”. We just sat there, in each others arms. That was until Azazel’s voice was heard again, “Have you come to a decision?”. He really was evil. Everyone stood. I kissed Alec, wrapping my hands around his neck. It was the most passionate kiss we had ever had and it felt like it lasted for hours. We broke off and formed the circle again, “You can take my memories, just get me and my friends home”. Azazel spoke a language that none of us recognised and we started to lift from the ground again. “Y/N! I LOVE YOU”. Alec screamed over the thunder. “I LOVE YOU TOO”.
“Module 2 exam is on Monday folks so please use this weekend to revise and don’t leave it last minute, class dismissed”. I walked out of college and headed to the library to get a head start on my studying when someone walked into the side of me, knocking me and all of my books to the floor. “Hey watch where you’re going jerk!”. I shouted, picking myself up. “I’m so sorry, here let me help”. I got up and dusted the mud off my jeans. The guy stood up from picking my books up and my knees went weak. He was so tall and so gorgeous, messy dark hair and deep brown puppy dog eyes. He did an adorable smirk, obviously knowing that I was staring at him. “Th-thanks for picking my books up”. “Oh yeah no problem”, he handed me them back and our hands touched. I was freaking out on the inside but tried to keep my cool on the outside. I kept staring, it was weird. I recognised him but I had no clue who he was, “Have we ever met before? There’s just something about you that seems so familiar”. He scratched behind his head and smiled adorably, “I’m sure I would have remembered…well it was nice-“. Before I could process what I was going to say my words came out like word vomit, “Do you fancy getting some coffee sometime or something?”. The minute I said it I regretted it, he was going to turn me down and it will officially be the worst and most embarrassing moment of my life. He kept on smiling and he looked me in the eyes, “I would love to get coffee with you”. I grinned so widely that I began to think that I started to look like a serial killer. “I’m free now?”. “That’s perfect…here let me”. He took my books off me and carried them as we walked to the nearest coffee shop. “I’m Y/N by the way”. “Alec”.
Pairing: Peter X Reader Warnings: Language A/N: So I know not all readers are short, I will be making one specifically for tall readers in the near future so don’t worry if this doesn’t apply to you!!!
“I just don’t get it, Y/N, how did you even see above the wheel to pass the test?” Peter asked, a grin on his lips when you frowned, glaring at him.
You had only been in the car with him for a minute and he was already making a crack on your height. It wasn’t typical, but lately he’d seem to notice how much it pissed you off, and if there was anything Peter loved, it was getting a rise out of you.
Right now you were giving him a ride home from a study session, this being the first time you drove him since you got your license (not that you didn’t do it before, but May and your parents didn’t need to know that).
“I moved the chair up, dumbass,” you snapped back, “At least I can drive now, you’re still stuck with a permit.”
you never apologized for everything that you ever put me through and you probably didn’t even notice any of it because people usually don’t notice things they dont care about, and thats what I was to you. I was just another person that existed, I was just another person that made you feel like you were worth something.
All you ever did was make me feel incomplete. I’d look at myself for hours until I could no longer recognize anything in trying to figure out why you don’t love me in the way I put love into you.
And even if you didn’t love me in that way, why couldn’t you at least be a good damn friend.
but you never gave me a thing. and I used to stay up at night trying to convince myself that you cared about me when I knew damn well you never did.
I always knew what I was to you but I tried to ignore it for so long, I convinced myself otherwise because when you know that the person that you love, does not even give a damn about you something inside you shuts off and I couldn’t deal with that and I didn’t want to accept that so I kept trying to see something that was never there.
I think thats what destroyed me in the end, knowing the reality of what we were but trying to look past that and find something that wasn’t there.
I was looking for so long, I got lost and forgot what I was looking for.
and I forgive you.
I forgive you for all of it, I forgive you for the nights I stayed up crying because you chose her. I forgive you for leaving and then coming back just so you could leave all over again. I forgive you for the things that you said when you and i both knew you didn’t mean them. and I forgive you for using me to try and fill the hole that she left in you. I forgive you for using me as a fix for your confidence because throughout everything all I ever saw was how great you are, and all you ever did was feed of that.
and now I forgive myself.
I forgive myself for everything that I put myself through. I forgive myself for letting myself believe that you really were the greatest part of me. I forgive myself for loving you when you weren’t worth a damn thought.
because after stepping away, I see it all so clearly now. After I accepted what I really was to you, everything else made more sense.
I destroyed myself in loving you and for that I am so sorry but when I say I forgive you, I mean I forgive myself, I forgive giving so much of myself to someone that didn’t care how my day was going. I forgive myself for all the hurt I endured.
I have to let go, and to do that I need to forgive.
Before learning of that radiance, before losing that radiance
Here is just a festival on the eve before. An eve before failure.
All that’s left is to wait for the funeral procession.
Now, now, pure white virtuous goddess. Here, here, she crosses over at this late hour, leaving an extremely deep impression. But, anyhow, aren’t you overlooking something a bit? Lined up here is the troupe of mortal world. We definitely cannot become human, even if we mourn, resent, destroy and despair, we won’t become human. Passion drives the bones, only depression washes the entrails.
Anyway, instead we can make a lot of people like those over there. Will you forgive us, then?”