So, the holidays have been exhausting, but I thought it was time for another WEIRDLYYYYYYY ATTRACTIVVVEEEEEE VILLAAAAAAAAAAAAAINNNNS! [Cue cheesy game show music and prizes you don’t really want]
Today’s winner? You guessed it: It’s Javier Bardem as Raoul Silva in Skyfall!
I’ve been meaning to make this post for a long time and I decided it was finally time to do it, and no, it’s not just because I’ve been playing the Skyfall drinking game.*
If you haven’t seen Skyfall:
1. What the hell is wrong with you?
2. Here’s a brief rundown.
Skyfall is Daniel Craig’s third turn as James Bond, and it’s superb. Adele’s opening song is sublime. I just want to curl up into the movie and snuggle down until all my problems disappear just like all my friends.
Bond is on a mission to recollect a stolen hard drive containing information about MI6 agents. He gets shot and is goes missing. He’s presumed dead, preferring to stay hidden on an island, until he returns to MI6 following the reveal of numerous agents’ real identities, and an explosion destroys headquarters, killing several people, and putting the entire operation in jeopardy. The culprit appears to have a grudge against M, played again by the incomparable Dame Judi Dench.
He comes back and goes on the trail, gets loads of vagina, and meets up with (read: has shower sex with) the bad guy’s girlfriend, who takes Bond to the guy trying to kill M: the sly, slippery, sexy Raoul Silva, played by Javier Bardem.
And things get all kinds of sexy up in there.
It was like “oooohhhh…”
And I was like “Ahhhh…”
And my ovaries went BOOOM!!
Anyhow, he tries multiple times to kill M and there’s lots of gunfire and bombs and explosions and fucking awesome sequences and it all culminates at Bond’s family home in Scotland named, you guessed it, Skyfall Lodge.
So, why is Silva weirdly attractive?
Look at that smile. How can you deny that?
Silva is my favorite kind of villain. He’s so slick and clever, and he’s always one step ahead. Unshakable and relentless, he’s got one goal and he’s gonna go for it.
Silva’s so clever that he’s the only person with enough technological skill to rival Q. He can find anyone, he can do anything. He wanted an island and he took it.
That means he could take you anywhere on a date.
Wherever, as long as you’re there
He’s got the mad confidence that makes you love him. The first time you see him in the film, it’s halfway through the movie, and he walks the length of a warehouse floor, monologuing to Bond, who’s tied to a chair.
He then tries to fuck with Bond mentally by making it look like he’s going to fuck with Bond LITERALLY. See above.
Oh, Mr. Silva!
Silva’s the kind of guy that does whatever it takes, and takes a real joy in the work. He’d erase your student loans and buy you pretty things.
Now, does it make me sad that he tries to kill M repeatedly? Of course it does. I love M.
Don’t ask me why I love flamboyant men, but I love flamboyant men. And Silva is nothing if not a flamboyant man. He’s sassy and stylish.
Look at the way he throws that grenade! He doesn’t give a shit. PERF.
That’s literally perfect. Look at his fucking jacket. He’s chintzy in the most wonderful way, and I love it.
And with all his innuendos you know he thinks about taking you to bed.
In the end, his hair’s a little creepy, and his priorities are a little bit off, and he places blame in strange places, but he’s sexy, slippery, and charming. And you’d want him in your bed.
And he’d probably unzip you if you ask him nicely.
Ladies and gentlemen, Silva.
You. Me. My bed, the floor, wherever.
*My Skyfall drinking game: drink when the movie is bad-ass. Finish your drink every time Silva makes you ovulate. So, I pretty much drank steadily for two and a half hours. Awesome.