Man you guys are gonna love me. I have one porch for you all, BUT there
are several photographs. This porch/deck was submitted by a coworker and he
also sent over some great stats like square footage. We’re gonna simulate movement of a party guest through this porch into (did you notice?) A SECONDARY PATIO. First off, I’m calling this a porch, but you can call it a deck too. Porch deck potato potato.
Lets go over some hot specs/stats on this baby first. - 300
sq ft deck (built 2013) - 200
sq ft patio with fire pit (built sometime between 1963 and 2007) - 3
locking gates on deck to control access for kids, pets and strangers - railing
is designed to minimize child escape. - 3rd
area in the back yard if you want to consider the large fire pit a
seating area (I absolutely do) - deck
has 2 dedicated seating areas in addition to plenty of space for kids
toys/bikes - has
hosted many parties with no reported fatalities and minimal injuries - house is on a mountain so there is a slight drop off and makes the deck feel like a treehouse (FRICKIN SOLD DUDE)
- At any time you can hear from the nearby high school or wetlands a HS
Football/Baseball game, trains, frogs, or airplanes from the local airport which make a thunder sound in the valley.
Ok, first picture, we see the run up to the porch. I’m very encouraged to see (1) tiki torch and (2) potted plants in different sized pots (this is very important, symmetry is not necessary on these more woodland porches. We’re not about to hold a wedding or a funeral out here. This porch is all business for working folk. Also whats that I spy in the distance? A table with an umbrella!? Very impressive, rain protection is so important. Also it provides protection against any bird droppings or acorns from the nearby trees so smart move on the part of the porchowner.
Second picture, we get the whole ballgame. I’m spying dos kids bikes and they fit very comfortably on the porch which means the porch has great parking. I also don’t see a ticket on any of the bikes so lax parking enforcement too. Since the house is on a mountain in the woods you know those bikes aren’t getting stolen. Let’s talk about lighting for a quick minute. Porch lighting is a key demarcation between a porch that is merely good, versus truly great. Porch lighting should create a mystical yet homey feel. Christmas lights are absolutely encouraged. In this case we get lightbulbs strung in what appears to be a fashion an electrician might have slight issue with. I approve. This is the kind of deck that GETS BETTER when the sun sets. Just think about that. You’re out there with your friends having a good ole time, but wait! Oh no! The sun is setting and existential terror sets in. Hold the damn phone, we’ve got lightbulbs.
Third picture, we get a great look at the stone and grass patio. I don’t know if you all have noticed yet, but I’m a big fan of multiple GOSA’s (general outdoor seating areas) on one house. Options are super important. Also I spy a firepit. Firepits are paramount as they function as beacons to move guests off your porch or deck and onto the patio. Its like Lord of the Rings when Aragorn goes mountain climbing to light the beacons and all the Rohirrim show up at Minas Tirith. The only difference is in this case you just need to move your friends about 15-20 feet in one direction (thats about as difficult, especially your coworker Big Mike, he tends to post up a lot. Mike’s also the guy that drinks mike’s hard lemonade because his name is Mike, so shout outs to him).
Speaking of alcohol its time to recommend a drink for this porch/patio combo. My coworker told me he’s had the most success with an “an ice-cold fresh-made
michelada.” Sign me up.
All in all I give this porch a 9/10. This is a Great Porch. I have also been invited over to this porch to do a field test of the chairs and other porch amenities and I will absolutely report back.
Author’s Note: You guys thought I was joking about writing something about me hating that Dylan smokes… never think that I am kidding (except, always assume that I am kidding…). This will be a short series. I’m imposing a limit on myself. Whatever. Don’t read it. It’s dumb. This will likely be the only Dylan shit I ever write. Okay byeeee.
“This is a lot of drunk people… this is just a lot of people in general, and I feel like some people have recognized me, an-“
“Dyl.. you wanted to come with me.”
“Well, I didn’t want to just sit at the house all day.”
“You’re going to be fine. You have sunglasses and a hat and some of this crap.” Julia rubbed her fingers against the stubble on his face in an aggressive, teasing sisterly way. “No one’s going to recognize you, why don’t we get you a drink so you can chill out.”
Dylan rolled his eyes, regardless of the fact that he knew his sister would not be able to see it behind his jet black Ray Ban sunglasses. He sighed and followed her through the throngs of sweaty and beer-soaked bodies towards the bar. He sidled up next to her and pressed his elbows against the bar.
“That’s cool.” He said sarcastically, pursing his lips, as he removed his elbows from the beer-soaked counter, and peeled a sticky bottle cap off of his skin. His head whipped around when he heard someone say his older sister’s name excitedly.