out-my-window

A therapists asks me if I am feeling better. I say yes, because I am feeling better. If feeling better is being able to stick my hands out of my passenger seat window, without wondering what it would feel like to topple head first out the door on the highway. Feeling better feels like taking my medication in an airport by the water fountain and not feeling like I’m falling out of the sky. Sleeping for eight hours and not dreaming of all the boys who have pressed their tired bones into my body like their mattress. Feeling better means tasting every single bite. Feeling better means saying I love you and the words actually come out of my mouth. Feeling better means not checking your Instagram and when someone says your name I don’t flinch, I just nod and brush you off like a dusty shelf. It means I hope every person who treated me like target practice sees me walking down the street with the sun tangled in my hair and stars freckling my skin do a double take. When they tell me I look amazing I just nod and walk away. When the ghosts in my walls try to talk to me I kiss them on the forehead and say know you have your place here but it was mine first, my body, my mind, my life. Wild blossoms grow from my finger tips. For the first time someone else apologies for ever doubting that I could get better. I am terrified but I am breathing, how amazing is that.
—  healing 

Facebook user, Shannon Satonori Lytle, shared his success story on his page yesterday. It’s very inspiring tale on how determination can get you where you need to be to become who you want to be. This is his story in his own words:

“In high school, I flipped burgers at McDonald’s so I could afford the privilege of taking the SAT. I fed and cared for my three baby siblings until they went to sleep and stayed up until 4am to do my homework. I walked home through a dangerous part of the city after extracurriculars because I couldn’t afford a car. I stuck my laptop out of my window at night to steal my neighbour’s wifi and finish my schoolwork.

I was scoffed at and told, “from this part of Ohio, only the children of doctors and lawyers get to go to Ivy League Schools.” In college, I panicked when my laptop broke because I had worked 150 minimum wage hours to buy it. I scrubbed toilets, shelved books, and sold clothing so I could chase my dreams and travel the world. Throughout my life, I have manoeuvred and begged for every kind of subsidy and coupon. I’m the son of a warehouse worker and an immigrant; a first generation student.

Today, I graduated from Harvard.”

Alright friends I need some serious help, several nights in a row right before I get into bed I have seen this man standing out my window staring up at me. When I go downstairs to get a closer look, he vanishes. Over the past few nights he has gotten closer and closer to the house each time and I don’t feel safe. If anyone knows who this could be please contact me, in the meantime I am going down to the police station to see if they can do anything about it. I am frightened and in danger, please pray for me.

me: just fall asleep already 

my brain: always out there, cArryINg thE bAnNer-the sun’ll come out tomorrow, one day more. another day, another-  look out my window, theres a view of other windows- WAVING through a windowwwww IM FLYING HIIIIGH defyyyyyying gravvity-GoTtA GeT GoTtA GeT gEt YoUr HEaD iN tHe GaMe TWO PLAYER GAAAAAAAMMEE theres nothing like summer in the city- IM SINging in the raaaaaiinn ORLANDO orlando I LOVE YOU orlando, SEASons of loooooovvveee-GoTtA FinD mY coooooorneeer of ThE SKyyyyyy-VeRoNicA, open the OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE- anatole is HOT he spe-

me: why

Late last night, at like 11pm, Dogface was keeping me awake doing that quiet “boof” thing that dogs do when they’re upset. Everyone who has a dog knows that sound, right? I have to get up for work early in the morning and it was just loud enough to be annoying.

Anyway, I sit up and see that he’s sitting on the bed by my feet, looking at the window, going “boof…” every ~30 seconds. I get up and stick my head out the window, and can faintly hear one of my neighbors up the street screaming for help, just wailing over and over.

We go outside, find which unit the sound is coming from, and get the police in there. Soon, an ambulance came through and hauled someone away. No idea what happened, but nobody else in the neighborhood seemed to be taking any notice…


TL;DR: Dogface is a very good boy and might have saved someone’s life last night.

hello everyb. it me, doctor elly, cat doctor ph.d (Ph.luffy Doctor).

so many people sufferin so much lately. in world, and also on small human scale. human roommnt Rave Sahnsyed and me hear from especial many of yu in this week. some of u lost somebyyd or somthin important, or anticipting loss. som of u feel so lonely n isolated. some of u have get in truble for mistake & torn between fel guilty bad (for mistake) & resent (for unfair reaction). other ppl feel guilt for have problem in face of global scary tension. some of u just very scared for no reason, or all reason.

im dont mean 2 minimize all individ problem by combinin response this way. but i am nonly one small cat & carnt even read. so, its hard 2 answer all of this. especial hard for me 2 answer questions no one can answer, like, what happen if we cannot stop unraveling of global systm? jeez, i donnt no. im domb as hell.i mean yestrday i got trap again between glass tabletop n table.

so look, i say this only. i make recomend:take some time 2 NOT BE ON INTERNET. i know this sim like denial – STOP ABSORBING INFORMATION! – but internet IN PARTICULAR is machine for collapsing of experience. is no way 2 make emotional distinction betwen things Happenin to U and things Happenin to World that matter and things Happnin to U And World that dont matter, on itnernet. its all comes at u all time and it only make so tired.

so this is why im ask  u to unplug for couple hours or days if u can. ok? try maybe only tomor saturday. read book from paper, newspaper from paper. go outdise if u can, see how flowers comin in on trees. perhaps go to tax march tomor if u feel like u must engage with World. listen to new kendrick album!! (doctor lely luv kendric.) enjoy sensual, concrete pleasure and pains. try 2 spend time living consciously in those sensations, good n bad. 

adapt this recomnednatin to yur personal situat and limits. i cant atully go outside bc will die of panic attack if bird or squril gets 2 close. so im just stick my butt out window in the sun. this give me perspectiv and warm.

will this solv world problem? of course not. but mayb will give u strength & distance from feeling of crushing overwhelm, deep breath from which yu can re-enter heartbreaking lovely pointless important garbage endeavor of being alive. im tellin yu, those flower are gud.