out tonight

after thinking about it for months, after almost a year and a half of identifying as bisexual and after talking to a few lovely people (you know who you are ❤ thank you!), i have finally decided to start labelling myself as a lesbian.

i cannot tell you how liberating this feels, to realise that i don’t have to pretend i am interested in men anymore, that all the attraction i felt towards them was heteronormativity and other people’s expectations breathing down my neck, that the attraction i still feel towards some men is purely aesthetical. it took me so long to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t that i couldn’t see myself in a relationship with a man because i’ve never been in one or because i didn’t think i was ready, but because i genuinely do not see myself ever dating and being happy with a man, while the prospect of dating a woman sounds pretty fucking sweet tbh.

all that being said, the reason i’ve been apprehensive about changing my label (even though bisexual hasn’t felt right for a while) was because of the ever present misconception that bisexuality is a ‘phase’ or a ‘stepping stone’ to coming out as gay and that is absolutely not true!! someone made me realise that what i identified as in the past is in no way any less valid than what i identify as now or what i will identify as in the future. my past self was bisexual and that’s the end of that. i’m not my past self anymore.

i’m still struggling with my identity and it’ll take me a while to feel like i deserve?? (tho what even qualifies as deserving) to call myself a lesbian, but for now i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and i’m feeling so much more optimistic. i would be lying if i said i didn’t know why i made this post. i made this post because this blog is very personal to me and i need an outlet to share a part of myself that i’m not always able to share in real life. plus it’d be pretty weird if i just changed my bio and my 'bi tag’ out of nowhere :)) if any of you feels the same way or is going through the same thing, don’t hesitate to message me, i would be more than willing to listen to you and give you as much advice as i can considering i’m still new to all this myself. i love y'all ❤

adfjkdslfkjskdlfajksdfj i have an awkward job

i drove one of my kids home tonight because she stayed after to do make-up work and she’s scared to take the bus alone.  and she asked me to come in.  and of course all her family is there–this whole bunch of old nepali people who don’t speak like any English.  and then she disappears into the kitchen because of course they have to feed me.  so I’m just there like talking to her kid brother (who is this AMAZiNG hilarious 4th grader who never stops talking for more than 15 seconds and who would jump from teaching me about decomposers to reciting stories from church to challenging me to spell “garbage” and “computer”) with these toothless old people looking on half-asleep.  

and then the dad brings out this little end table.  and then my student brings out a glass of water, and a plate of ramen.  and it’s just me eating, everybody watching me, the little brother still talking up a storm.  fortunately I a) know enough about Asian cultures to know that this is the proper way to treat a guest and as weird as it feels to me it’s normal to them, and b) I’ve been in this kind of situation once or twice before so I have some prior experience to fall back on.  so it wasn’t as horribly awkward as it could be, and I knew that I had to stay and accept the food and eat it all and enjoy it (not hard, it was quite delicious).  and my student seemed really happy to have me there, after I finished eating she showed me all her traditional dresses and saris, and the little brother literally begged me to stay for a while and talk to him.

but yeah, this is a part of my job.  it is a super awesome job, definitely.  but also awkward. ^_^

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Today’s Digital #Ham4Ham: Renee Elise Goldsberry, Jasmine Cephas Jones and Lexi Lawson sing Out Tonight from RENT

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however the devil pleases → sanvers aesthetic

and touch me like you never, ‘cause i am not afraid, i am not afraid anymore

Rebelcaptain fanfic: take me out tonight (3)

Chapter 1 
Chapter 2 

Read on AO3 


Chapter 3: where all the scars 

    The third time they met wasn’t exactly all by chance.

    Jyn honestly hadn’t made any conscious decisions that would somehow lead her back to the side of the Rebel Intelligence Officer. He was a spy, a solider, it would be impossible to try and track him down in the first place. She hadn’t ever purposefully set out to try and find him again … but admittedly, she’d left a small piece of herself behind in that alleyway on Kariah, and she was starting to wonder whether she’d subconsciously attempted to fill its absence with the choices that had led her here anyway.

    Staring at him from across the crowded dance floor.

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Today’s Hamilton aesthetic: Renee performing as Mimi in Out Tonight