Warning: soppy post alert

Okay so today’s a very amazing person’s birthday, wheytoast, and it would be criminal of me not to make a hella cute post about it. Basically, this lil dork has helped me through a lot lately and he’s my closest friend. He may be an annoying lil shit, but I love him just the same. His voice is the best thing everand he smells amazing.He somehow makes me laugh even in the darkest of times and is just super sweet and caring, I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure of talking to and getting to know anyone as amazing as him in my whole life. I could probably go on forever but I wont. Just wanted to express how much this lil shit means to me. Have a good day dork <3

Sex talk
  • Me:You know me so well
  • we are gonna do it under a panera bread table
  • BFF:lol how romantic haha
  • Me:yep
  • it will be magical, and special and romantic
  • and a rainbow will form above our heads
  • BFF:lol awww and unicorns will watch
  • Me:cherubs will come down to sing for us
  • BFF:lol God himself might make an appearance lmao
  • Me:it'll be so beautiful it'll turn Satan into a Good Samaritan
  • BFF:
Every time Andy and I talk about what someone's cock looks like

we come up with the same conclusion. Each time. Seriously.

We’re now talking about running some sort of thing when we live in NY where we go up to random dudes and guess what their cocks look like. We’d be rich because I totally think we’re always right.

anonymous asked:

So I have this friend he can call me anytime whenever he's upset and I'm always there for him even though he ignores my advice most of the time but whenever I try to open up to him he like brushes me off or if he does acknowledge my problem he'll listen for a while and then like stop responding. I know he's being shitty but he still means so much to me even though I know he kind of takes advantage of me in our friendship and idk what to do :(

He’s taking advantage of you. He knows that you’ll always be there for him. Yet he can’t even return the favor of being a good friend. You’re so much better than him and you’re worth so much more than he will ever be. So please, drop him. He’s a parasite. Parasites leech off of others. It’s a one way friendship, and he’s benefiting off of your kindness. You aren’t benefiting at all. So please, drop him. You are much better off without him. He’s causing you nothing but harm.

25 Things I Thought Recently

1. This wedding ring is fake, I just don’t want you hitting on me. 

2. There are better things to avoid than gluten. If you aren’t careful it can actually be pretty bad for you. * * * * * 

3. Us living far apart is probably the best thing for our friendship. 

4. Your children are incredibly poorly behaved. I’d probably rather this store allow any pet than your child in particular. 

5. If you have to clarify that your can disagree with someone without hating them, maybe you need to re-evaluate your specific capacity to do so. 

6. Yes, we get it, you hate the current President. So did many other people throughout American history with their current President. It’s pretty much a given by now. 

7. Nope, I didn’t see your Facebook post. I unsubscribed from you months ago. 

8.Everything edible is chemicals. Stop asking if foods are “chemical-free”, it’s not. Water is a chemical. Air is chemicals. You are chemicals. 

9. If I made you coffee with powdered creamer instead of liquid, you wouldn’t even notice. 

10. Saying I couldn’t sleep was a lie, I just wanted to keep talking to you. 

11. I purposefully never used your name the whole time we were a thing. You have a dumb name. 

12. I will probably never watch Breaking Bad. Shh. No. It’s ok. 

13. “We’re a Constitutional Republic, actually, but go on…” *

14. When I don’t know what to watch, sometimes I go to your liked movies on Facebook and pick something I haven’t seen.  

15. Wonderwall makes me sad. Not because it’s overdone but because I never let you play it for me when you were drunk. 

16. Pluto is a dwarf planet. It’s not emotionally scarred by its status and you shouldn’t be either.

17. No, I haven’t actually seen (movie, show, video). 

18. I know he is terrible but is also my friend so please stop saying terrible things about him directly to me. 

19. Your ex girlfriend is incredibly attractive and I also want to be her best friend.

20. I’m only listening to this song you are showing me so I can turn around and show you a better one. 

21. Don’t touch me. 

22. Tea’s flavour isn’t watered down, it’s soft. There are more layers of flavour in my “leaf water” than in the Diet Dr. Pepper you keep sucking down, that is absolute. 

23. You have selfies as both your profile picture and cover photo and subsequently I will not be accepting your criticism today, thank you very much. 

24. By “I’m not a feminist but…” all you communicate to me is that you have no idea what feminism is. * * * *

25. I practiced saying that so it would come across as hip as humanly possible.