1. This wedding ring is fake, I just don’t want you hitting on me.
2. There are better things to avoid than gluten. If you aren’t careful it can actually be pretty bad for you. * * * * *
3. Us living far apart is probably the best thing for our friendship.
4. Your children are incredibly poorly behaved. I’d probably rather this store allow any pet than your child in particular.
5. If you have to clarify that your can disagree with someone without hating them, maybe you need to re-evaluate your specific capacity to do so.
6. Yes, we get it, you hate the current President. So did many other people throughout American history with their current President. It’s pretty much a given by now.
7. Nope, I didn’t see your Facebook post. I unsubscribed from you months ago.
8.Everything edible is chemicals. Stop asking if foods are “chemical-free”, it’s not. Water is a chemical. Air is chemicals. You are chemicals.
9. If I made you coffee with powdered creamer instead of liquid, you wouldn’t even notice.
10. Saying I couldn’t sleep was a lie, I just wanted to keep talking to you.
11. I purposefully never used your name the whole time we were a thing. You have a dumb name.
12. I will probably never watch Breaking Bad. Shh. No. It’s ok.
13. “We’re a Constitutional Republic, actually, but go on…” *
14. When I don’t know what to watch, sometimes I go to your liked movies on Facebook and pick something I haven’t seen.
15. Wonderwall makes me sad. Not because it’s overdone but because I never let you play it for me when you were drunk.
16. Pluto is a dwarf planet. It’s not emotionally scarred by its status and you shouldn’t be either.
17. No, I haven’t actually seen (movie, show, video).
18. I know he is terrible but is also my friend so please stop saying terrible things about him directly to me.
19. Your ex girlfriend is incredibly attractive and I also want to be her best friend.
20. I’m only listening to this song you are showing me so I can turn around and show you a better one.
21. Don’t touch me.
22. Tea’s flavour isn’t watered down, it’s soft. There are more layers of flavour in my “leaf water” than in the Diet Dr. Pepper you keep sucking down, that is absolute.
23. You have selfies as both your profile picture and cover photo and subsequently I will not be accepting your criticism today, thank you very much.
24. By “I’m not a feminist but…” all you communicate to me is that you have no idea what feminism is. * * * *
25. I practiced saying that so it would come across as hip as humanly possible.