In a complicated fiasco last year with my friend’s very conservative and anti-gay parents, I was forbidden from ever seeing her again purely based on the assumption that all girls with short hair are gay or trans and looking to sleep with her daughter. Anyways, I figured I’d just convince her mother that I was, in fact, straight, she’d let me see my friend. And what’s straighter than having a boyfriend? So I asked my guy friend to pose as my boyfriend in some pictures—which was just as awkward as you would assume. Naturally, our overbearing friends stepped in to help, telling us to move closer and whatnot. It was still awkward. And what’s the best thing to do in an incredibly awkward situation? Embrace it. We started calling each other fake-boyfriend/girlfriend, shouting cliches in the hallways, or texting heart emojis (ironically, of course). Anyways, that joke kinda fades out within the next few months but it’s still brought up occasionally. At one point, I told my cousin about it and of course she questions whether or not it’s actually fake saying, “I did that in high school and I ended up marrying him.” (Queue the “yeah right we’re just friends.”) Well it turns out she was on to something. A year later, I’m dating him and I had to explain to my cousin that yes, my current boyfriend is the same as my fake boyfriend. So she got to say ‘I told you so.’
In summary, if you think the whole “fake boyfriend” plot is unrealistic, think again.
@ ff writers who use common tropes in their stories: keep doing you ♡♡♡ I want to read my otp falling in love, accidentally kissing, getting fake married, pining, and etc a million times over. No one will tell the story in your voice, so it’s actually new every time. Don’t ever feel bad about exploring something in your own way.
I heard a noise in the middle of the night. I took my baseball bat
and OH MY GOD you’re my neighbor and your kitten escaped I’M SO SORRY
THAT I ALMOST KILLED YOU
You moved next door recently and JESUS CHRIST have you ever heard of headphones?! What kind of music is that?!
new and now you live across my apartment. I can’t belive you decided to
meet me right now, I have a bad hungover and i’m only wearing my
underwear. I’m sorry if i seem like an ass to you, I swear i’m not it’s
just a bad time.
Your window is across mine and I swear I’m
not a pervert but I think you’re hot. One day you decide to dance to
one of my favourite songs. You can’t dance so I laugh and HOLY SHIT both
windows are open and you heard me. I wish I was invisible.
decided to throw a party and your door was open, my cat got in and now
i’m trying to find him. Could you quit shouting back ‘POLO’ everytime I
call ‘MARCO’. It stoped being funny after the tird time.
clumsy af and I can’t make the stairs without tripping. It’s even worse
as i’m carrying a box. Of course i fall down and hey I didn’t see you
there. Thank god it was just weird halloween stuff and not glass but
you end up with fake web and spiders on your face. I think one of them
is actually real DO I SCREAM AND RUN OR WHAT??
You’ve been my
neighbor for almost three years but every time you come home drunk you
try to walk into my flat. It’s 2 am and i’m tired… Wait are you singing
‘love is an open door’ from that frozen movie?
the worst thing about trying to decide to read a fic:
-the summary is good but the story is written in a different language or is badly written.
-opening it to find no spaces between the paragraphs.
-both your otp and notp is tagged and you have no clue if you want to take a risk or not.
-tagged major character death and you start sweating.
-hasn’t been updated in 80 years but the summary is on point and their the best fucking writer ever.
-you start reading only to find that the person updates every ten years and you just happened to catch them on a day they finally updated.
-you find a writer and check them out, only to find out they mostly write about your notp - and of course they always update, have perfect writing and have stories that are epic.
-stories with so many fucking tags, you just shake your head and move on.
-the “i suck at summaries please check it out still” and you just, pause because it has your otp and you debate whether or not to take the risk.
-you find a pairing you never considered before and think holy shit, that could be hot and spend all day hunting through the tag.
-you ship a pairing so fucking hard, only to find like two fics and you start weeping.
-when you find a perfect story only to check the tags and see some weird shit that disgusts you and you scream why.
-a fic with good writing and summary but it’s so short or is only fan-art.
-a crossover fic where you have both of your fandoms but don’t have both of otps, just one.
-one shots that are so good you wish they were longer.
-when your notp is tagged but it’s labeled as a past relationship or says your otp is endgame, and you have to go through the notp’s awkward breakup in order for your otp to happen.
-when someone doesn’t tag properly and a plot twist hits you and you want to cry.
-you finally find a great fic that has been updated and the last update says writes block, personal issues- can’t do this, asks for co-writer, discontinues it or says lol i hate how this is turning out, deleting.
-when a writer as twenty stories to update and you cry because you like all of them and you have to wait.
-when you remember a story from like five years ago and you search for it, only to find it’s been deleted or can’t seem to find it anywhere.
-when a writer gives you an update schedule and you’re excited because they follow it but then they start missing it and you just…
-when a writer deletes a story and rewrites the same story but you like the original better.
-when your reading a story about a rare pairing that interests and your otp hate each other or just friends and it’s just so weird to read.
-when one half of your otp is in another relationship and the other half shows up with someone else and then you remember, right i’m not reading a story about my otp so i can’t get mad.
-when your otp is popular but it’s not as popular as another ship in the fandom and you hate how the other ship as so much more stories than your ship.
-when you try to read an ot3 relationship because it has two characters you love but the other character is usually from your notp and you hate when your notp share moments.
-when you beg an author (usually one where they aren’t in the fandom really) to write more stories about your otp and they say maybe and it never happens.
-when the writer literally shits on your favorite character and you can’t go through it anymore.
-when your otp isn’t the main pairing and you don’t really care about the other pairings in the story and skip to your otp parts.
-when a story has a million words and it’s so good and you know that you will spend all day and night reading it until your eyes hurt.
-when a story have 200 parts to it and you lose all hope after a while because the story is dragging.
-when your otp is going through something and so many stories are filled with angst, fluff and hurt that it makes you cry because yup, i need to read about my pain for my otp.
-when the writer refuses to write the smut you been waiting for and your otp is stuck in unresolved tension mode forever.
-when the writer unexpected changes the story’s events and you are disappointed by the direction.
-when you find a great au and the characters are so out of character… it makes you sad.
-when you open a fic only to find you hate the point of view and you scream.
-when you request a prompt and the author writes it but you are disappointed and just smile through the pain.
-when you have such a good idea in your head and you try to write it but it’s so bad that you delete it and cry, hoping someone else writes the brilliant idea that you had.
-when you don’t ship something anymore but see a great plot and you click the story and take a deep breath - because shit is about to go down.
-when you reading a great story but get distracted and skip some parts, shit goes down in between and then you think fuck, and have to start over.
-when it’s tagged “slow burn” and you say i can do this and it’s chapter 30 and my ship still hate each other like what.
-when the author says this is their first time writing smut and you think on god they better do this right - only to find out they writing eight pages on your otp making love. like yes.
-when the smut is so rushed or improper you feel cheated and log off because done. like so done.
-when it’s tagged “everyone lives” and your eyes water because that’s all you ever wanted in life.
-when the author leaves a cliffhanger and says in the author’s note “lol sorry about the cliffhanger, i’ll update soon”. you ain’t sorry, stop lying.
-when you see that the story is complete and do a happy dance, only to realize that it ended badly or the sequel/series hasn’t been updated.
Person A is a heavy reader. Person B isn’t. Person A usually reads the stories to Person B when they need to calm down, from what it is, Person A never asks. Person B often falls asleep to the stories from Person A’s mouth, and can never stay up long enough to finish the stories, so all they know is the (mostly) happy beginnings, and never the ends.
Person A gives Person B their favourite book, one that’s been with them for a long time. The book has obvious signs of the love and importance it had on Person A’s life, but they know that it’s Person B’s favourite story.
You see, Person B might not notice, but Person A always keep a check of how long it takes for Person B to fall asleep when they’re reading a book. Sometimes it’s within the 3rd chapter, other times it’s on the 23rd. But when Person A reads this book to Person B, they notice how Person B struggles to stay awake, and is always concentrating so hard on not giving in to the slumber. Person A once asked Person B if they wanted to start from the middle of the book this time (because god forbid they say, ‘Where we left off’ because that means they’ll know when they fell asleep and that’s a conversation for a later (or never) time) but Person B always politely declines and says with the sweetest voices, “No, I want to hear your voice as much as possible.”
Person B shakily accepts the gift, and promises to give it back, but Person A declines and says, “No, you can have it. It’s yours. I know how much you love it, almost as much as I do. So here, read it, you fall asleep before the ending anyway.” And laughs it off, albeit awkwardly.
A few days pass since the gift giving, and Person B has had minimal contact with Person A. Then one day, as Person A was in the quiet corner of the library, back hunched over a book and nail biting in progress, Person B comes in and sits in front of Person A.
//“The ending haD ME SHOOK AF BRUH OAGJBAWLJRBGLKJBLEWRKJGB”//
“I understand why this book is your favourite, and I don’t want to copy you but it’s now my favourite too.” Person B says quietly as they watch Person A’s eyes scan 20 words a second. Person A nods slightly. “So I have a gift for you too.”
Person A looks up from the book and stares at a copy of the same book, looking newer and less worn, but still holding the words that made them laugh, cry, and die in a matter of 2 pages. Person B smiles, and says, “It’s my copy, I bought it the day before you gave me yours. I only read the first part, because it’s all I knew in your voice. So I could never bring myself to read the rest.” Person B laughs awkwardly.
“I mean, I don’t usually read books. But when you read them I suddenly picture myself there, in those pages, except it doesn’t feel like just pages, it feels real. My voice can’t do that, but yours can. So… When you gave me the book you had read to me over and over again, suddenly I could picture you, holding the book exactly the same way you are now, eyes scanning over the words so quickly that your voice fails to catch up, and the small hint of a smile in your voice and the sparkle in your eyes, and, believe me, I didn’t understand why people fell in love with reading but I think I’m in love with your reading. Whether it’s silent scanning of words, or quiet whispers of every second word, or when you voice the characters’ dialogue yourself to get the emotion right in your head because you haven’t heard the words said like that before, or when your reading it to me, I’m in love with you and your reading.”
Person B is blushing furiously and Person A is //dyING AF BECAUSE ERMAGHWRHGDHGAHGRHGA// still waiting, listening, knowing that this isn’t the end of what Person B wants to say.
“You’re the person people in books fall in love with,” Person B says with a quiet voice.
(Note from author: Hi, this is me coming back after ‘leaving’ this account. I actually never left and I knew a lot of people started following me AFTER i said I wouldn’t be back, so thank you! Also the words in between the // are just my mind going weird and wanting to add in something really stupid haha, love ya’ll.)
Another Collection of AUs the Internet Doesn't Need (by me)
• It’s 10:30 at night and I left my glasses at home so I can’t read any of these labels and you’re one of the only people in the grocery store and GODDAMMIT DO YOU HAVE ANY TOMATO SAUCE WITHOUT CHUNKS AU
• We go to the same support group; I have social anxiety and you’re a kleptomaniac who sorta stole my heart AU
• You thought you were alone at the bus stop so early in the morning so you started passionately singing Fall Out Boy but your Patrick Stump impression could use some work and I’m not really afraid to point that out AU
• I’m an artist and you have a really nice face so would you mind if I drew you? AU
• We’re rival up-and-coming singers and every time one of us releases a new single the other does a cover to try to make it better; we’re always trying to top each other and out-cute each other, but half our fans aggressively ship us; our agents use this to their advantage and decide we should do a duet because it’ll be popular; unfortunately now that we’re in the same studio and I’ve seen what you’re like I really wanna know what your lips feel like AU
• PLEASE I REALLY CANNOT FIND MY CAT AND I KNOW IT’S THREE A.M. BUT NEIL CATRICK HARRIS AND I WOULD BOTH APPRECIATE THE HELP AU
• We were both stood up for dates at the same nice restaurant so we decide to eat together and split the check but I dunno you’re pretty interesting aside from your distractingly enormous eyebrows AU
• We met at a mutual friend’s cheesy masquerade party and we agree that the only good thing about this party is the masks so you can’t judge a book by its cover only now that we’ve been talking I want to see your face but I don’t know how to ask AU
• You used to date my friend who absolutely hates your guts after a messy breakup and now you’re flirting with me and I really shouldn’t be so interested in you but I am AU
• I don’t know you but you’re singing along really loudly near me at this concert and it’s kinda hilarious because you just make up things when you don’t know the words AU
• We pass each other every day while we’re biking on the same path so we’ve started smiling at each other and one day you’re stopped because you’re having an asthma attack so I offer you my extra water bottle and now we’re talking and now I’M the one who’s breathless AU
1. “Sleep in your car if you don’t like it.”
2. “You didn’t do the dishes, I’m not doing you.”
3. “Baseball cards? What are you? Five?”
4. “I’m not drunk, I s-swear.”
5. “I don’t love you anymore.”
6. “Help me pack or get out. You’re in the way.”
7. “Oh my god, that’s disgusting.”
8. “Don’t be embarrassed, it’s normal.”
9. “Hot, gorgeous, beautiful…whatever you want to call it.”
10. “Stop copying me.”
Imagine your OTP as internet friends that know they live in the same city, but have never gotten around to actually meeting. While walking back to their apartment, Person A bumps into someone who they quickly recognize as Person B, their internet friend, realizing that they both live in the same apartment complex.
Someday I’ll draw this but it’s all words for now.
So last weekend, I went to this nice hotel with my friends and the nieces for brunch. In the lobby in front of the restaurant, there was this huge divider wall that was used to section off restroom area.
My Aunt Self decided it was a good idea to hide behind the wall and pop out to peek-a-boo with the nieces as we usually do when at home. So I went and hid behind that wall.
I did not know that when I hid behind the wall. My nieces got distracted by the sofa set in the lobby and ran away from the wall to see it.
So when I popped out from behind to wall, I did not get to peek-a-boo my nieces.
But I sure startled that tall, blond guy who was just walking around the wall to get to the restroom.
Letting out a gentle sigh, I watched their sleeping form. They seemed so peaceful just laying there, lips moving slowly as little to no sound came out. I managed to make out a few words, however.
“I’m gonna find you and punch you straight in the dick. Leave my blueberries alone.”