what it means
When they finally kiss, it feels like time has stopped. Or maybe it was going too fast, they didn’t know.
For him, the kiss means ‘thank you’. Thank you for bringing me back. Thank you for remembering me even though it was practically impossible for you (or anyone else for that matter) to do it. Thank you for believing in my existence even though eveybody thought you were crazy. Thank you for convincing Scott and my dad and Malia that I actually was a real human being and not some idea that was stuck in your head.
It also means ‘you’re so smart’. Like you actually opened a rift through space and time to save me. And you were the one to know where I was and how to get to me. Once again, you figured it out. God, you are so smart, that’s probably my favorite thing about you.
It also means ‘I’ve been wanting to do this since I was a child’ and I don’t care that we’ve already kissed because right now I’m not having a panic attack, even though the feeling of your lips against mine could actually give me one. I have been dreaming of kissing you hundreds of times, in my dreams, in math class, in the morning or when I went to sleep, and now I’m finally doing it, I still don’t realize it’s really happening.
It also means ‘god, I missed you so much’ and now you’re actually in my arms so I’m probably never letting go of you. I finally found what’s my favorite feeling in the world, and it’s having your body pressed against mine while your hands are on my face and mine are on your waist.
Finally, it means ‘I love you and you don’t have to say it back’’. God, I love you so much I would die for you, but I know I wasn’t going to die in the Hunt, because I had to see your face once more first. Then, I could have died if it meant you were going to be safe. I love you so much I actually can’t believe that you love me back. And you don’t have to say it back, Lydia, because I know. I have known for a while, because the way you used to look at me changed, and I felt more alive than ever everytime your eyes met mine. And I knew, but I didn’t want to believe it, because it would practically impossible for Lydia Martin to actually love me, a pale boy with lots of bones and flannel shirts. But I knew, Lydia, and I know now, and it makes me so happy that I don’t have time to hear you say it, I just want you in my arms right now. You can tell me later though.
For her, the kiss means ‘I’m sorry’. I’m sorry I didn’t remember you earlier. But as soon as you left, I knew something was wrong, I knew someone was missing, and I knew that this someone was important to me. I’m sorry I didn’t convince everyone you were real on the first try. I’m sorry I almost doubted myself when it came to you.
It also means ‘I didn’t say it back, but I do’. Since i first kissed you, I knew. I didn’t know that I loved you, but I knew that something was different between us. I knew the way I looked at you had changed, and the way you looked at me was still the same loving, tender and sweet look you used to gave me since the third grade. But I was scared of admitting it to myself, because I was scared of the consequences and I was afraid of being weak.
It simply means ‘I love you’. God, I do. I love how you make me feel, like I can do everything I never thought I could. You make me feel like I could climb mountains, and bring the dead back to life. You make me feel more beautiful than I’ve ever felt in my whole life, inside and out, even when I’m screaming at the top of my lungs or when I have spent the night working instead of sleeping or when I have been stuck in a mental house or when I look like a zombie. And my favorite part, you make me feel smart and important. God, nobody ever made me feel smart, not even my parents because they thought it was ‘normal’ to be smart. You make me feel like I could win the Field’s medal and solve the Riemann hypothesis. You make me feel like I am the most important person in your eyes, and sometimes in the world. I love how sassy you are, even when we’re being attacked by zombie cowboys or nazi werewolves. I love how you’d do everything to save the people you love, even though you say you’re ‘just a human’ and you have no superpowers (I love how you always fight with a bat, I told you it was stupid but I secretly love it). I love how you always look out for us, all of us, and you feel like Atlas, because you don’t care about your problems, you just want to carry everyone’s problems on your shoulders. I love your smile. God, your smile is everything, it could light up the whole town. And your eyes. Your eyes are not brown, they are the most unique shade of hazel and everytime you look at me, I feel like you can see through my soul.
And it means ‘I missed you’. I’m not a fan of intimacy, but I missed you so much I couldn’t not touch you. I couldn’t wait. And I just had to run to you because you had been missing for 3 months and I have missed your face and your flannel shirts and your scent and your height and your hands and your smile and your everything about you. When I found your jersey in your room and your dad kept it, I almost cried because I wanted to keep it to myself so I could at least have your scent with me and you could be with me, even if it was not physically. I hated being alone. When you were there, you were my bestfriend, and I never felt lonely when I was with you. When you came back, as soon as we collided, I knew I would never be alone again. And as we were kissing, our bodies were almost intertwined but I still wanted to get closer to you. Because I missed you so much, and I finally got you back.
When they finally kiss, it feels like time has stopped. Or maybe it was going too fast, they didn’t know. But they knew that they had a lifetime to figure it out together.