otp: humans

I do feel bad for plants in general.
Like, I know they are often as vicious as animals in many ways, just slower.
But, I mean, they just show up and they’re like, “I Think I Will Evolve To Eat The Sun And Also Make Oxygen And How Now Is All This.”
And, like, everything fucking dies at first (totally not plants fault, btw. okay maybe it was but they didn’t mean to) but then new things evolve.
And they’re like, “Fuck it, eating each other suuuucks. Let’s eat the plants which give us life.”
And so we start doing that.
And plants are all, “Oh Dear No, I Do Not Care At All For Being Eaten. I Will Make Myself Into Poison Sometimes.”
But, y'know, stuff kept eating plants anyway so plants, ever the bro, came up with a new idea. “I Have Made A Decision About Being Eaten And You May Eat Me Friends And Here Is An Especially Tasty Bit Packed All Full of Delicious Sugars Which I Have Produced At Great Cost (What They Do Not Know Is That My Seeds Are Within And Shall Be Propagated Near And Far By Their Dung)“
But that’s not good enough for animals, no, not at all.
We love the fuck out of some pomegranates but also alliums which are like, "I Have Not Decided To Go In For This Being Eaten Business. I Shall Be Very Foul Tasting And Also A Poison.”
But no, sorry, onions, you fucked up.
You accidentally wound up with a species that just doesn’t give up or fully comprehend the idea of things tasting “”‘bad’“’ or other concepts like not eating poison. (Sorry, plants, later we turn some of you who are not poison into a poison we consume recreationally. We really enjoy eating poison.) 
Legit, alliums are deadly to, like, every other species.
And we call them aromatics and throw them in everything.
Peppers are the best, though.
They completely got on the being eaten train.
Peppers are like, "You May Eat Me, Fair Avian, For You Are Sure To Spread Me A Great Distance. But, Mammal, Take HEED. Should You Eat Me Then I Will Burn You Most Terribly.”
And we were all about that.
“The FUCK, burning? I love pain,” said humans, presumably.
“You know, peppers, you and evolution have done a good job at burning us but I am pretty sure we could make your chemical agony even more potent. Come hang with us,” humans added to a very confused pepper just before creating the ghost chili.


By Hannah Hillam

Humans are weird

Like can you imagine aliens reacting to bruises?

Ze’ev saw the unusual coloring on human Jenny’s arm, and said, poking the odd purple/ blue mark “What’s that?” 

“OW” She screeched causing Ze’ev to leap back

 “Do you need the doctor?? Surely that must need medical attention.” he said after finally being reassure human Jenny wouldn’t make the noise again

“Nah it’s just a bruise. I’ll be fine”

“But human Jenny… You just cried out in pain. That usually indicates a need for the clinic. What is a bruise?” Ze’ev asked after pausing for a second

“Oh it’s nothing. Just some ruptured blood vessels. It should go away in about a month”

“Ruptured blood vessels!” Ze’ev yelled catching the attention of the other crew members. “Are you bleeding internally?!”

“Yeah but only a little bit. It’ll heal soon enough. It’s just kind of annoying”

“Annoying?! Your blood vessels ruptured! How can it only be of an inconvenience to you?!”

“Oh I’ve had worse. One time I had an ulcer.” Ze’ev looked at her with confusion “Oh it’s where your body gets stressed out and you get a hole in our stomach. That hurt like hell. Especially after I threw up a ton of bile and burned my throat raw. Anyway, I’ve gotta fix this mother board….”

We’ve talked about aliens being weirded out by humans, but what about humans being weirded out by aliens? 

aliens who are completely naked. Like, they’re obviously not biologically built like humans but seriously no fur or hair or skin layers that even remotely resembles any sort of covering. Think about how uncomfortable it would make humans feel. It’s like a rat without fur, a bug without armor, or crabs without shells. 

or even aliens with no sense of smell. Humans are designed to taste through both taste and scent, so not being able to smell is like only getting the lesser half of the experience. The texture is the only thing that comes through the alien food and the humans are freaked out by it

forget tentacles and extra limbs, what if aliens were biologically like tree trunks? They can do a ton of stuff but there’s no distinction between each individual - the entire species is literally the same log-like figure and the only way to tell which is which is if you slap a post-it note to the back of their head (if that’s even a head, we still don’t know if they’re walking upside down). The aliens would literally be a three dimensional shape.

what about aliens who don’t speak? Humans are meant to communicate with each other verbally, this is why we get freaked out with mind readers and psychics (the aliens make fun of us for those people). We don’t exactly reach into each other’s minds without permission so aliens who are purely telepathic are terrifying

The possibilities are endless 

Acknowledge that there is something for you to learn in every event you encounter in your life. Every person, book and piece of paper that you find in front of you, and every crumbled, dusty leaf at your fingertips, offers you some spark of knowledge that makes up the whole.

Barbara Marciniak

error 1202

pertaining to the idea of murphy’s law, and that with a human on board a spaceship the statistical outliers become like 150 times likelier here is something i learned today:

for the moon landing of 1969, the astronauts had trained for thousands of different manoeuvres and errors and situations

except for “error 1202”

because error 1202 was considered to be too unlikely

and so when ground control screens alerted of this error these scientists and engineers spent precious minutes in the most critical phases of the landing of the lunar module trying to remember what the error is even supposed to mean let alone the procedure for it

and this was a situation where human error had to be basically 0 for the landing to be smooth

in the end armstrong was basically on his own to land the module

and yet now there is a flag planted safely on the moon as a reminder

so in conclusion: humans are arrogant and reckless, manage to create the imossible, and then still survive to tell the tale