i realized you shipped delena at some point and you think both stefan and were abusives but damon is more? and the reason why u stopped shipping them is because damon abuses her and the writers don't allow her to say things like "you know what else blew? being sired to you" with her humanity on? like the writers don't acknowledge the abuse of delena and doesn't allow elena to fight back?
I have been involved in TVD fandom for about eightish years. My opinions were informed by the unfinished nature of the canon and the people I’ve been surrounded by. I’ve grown and changed since, say, season four of TVD. Lost friends and gained new ones, whose reactions to TVD informed my own. The fact that the story is closed means very nature of how I interact with the text changes. My view of Stefan nearly killing Elena in mid season three has changed from the moment I saw it, to the seasons that came after it, to how I see it now.
I don’t like to say that Damon abused Elena more than Stefan or vice versa. Mostly, because I find quantifying something abuse impossible, fruitless, and honestly missing the point.
But here is what I can say about my feelings/thoughts as of now: Damon’s entire relationship with Elena has been about him dominating and using her with very little care for her as a person in her right. Stefan and Elena’s relationship started when they were both in very dark places, where they found some light and hope in one another. Their relationship had its highs and lows. There were times when the relationship was a source of growth and healing for them both - but there were also times when one of them hurt the other.
I don’t think anyone has ever hurt Elena as much as Stefan. He kidnapped her, shoved his blood in her throat, and threatened to turn her into a vampire. Hurting Klaus was one of his goals - but taking everything he knew about Elena, her fears and dreams and hopes, and using it against her. He wanted to make her hate him. Elena seeing through it and loving him anyway was not what I’d call a healthy choice made from a well adjusted person.
Season three also ends with, perhaps, the most powerful act of love in the entire narrative: Stefan saving Matt instead of Elena. In that moment, he cemented not only his love for Elena, but also his respect for her. He knows how much guilt she carries for being at the center of a supernatural war, he knows she blames herself for all the death around her. He knew that saving Matt was more important her than living and he put her desires ahead of his own. It broke his heart to let her die, but he did it anyway. It was an act of sacrificial love, perhaps the most powerful kind of all.
Season four turns it head on their dynamic some more, with Elena taking Stefan’s worst fears and hopes and dreams and using them to hurt him. Elena kills that waitress to punish <em>Stefan</em>, not Damon. Of course, Elena never has as much power because of the sire bond and having her humanity turned off against her will - but it says something about the dynamic nature of their relationship that Elena uses what power she does have to hurt Stefan when it suited her needs (as Stefan did with her).
Stefan and Elena’s relationship is rich with meaning. Plec and Williamson have talked extensively about what their relationship meant to the narrative and to each character involved. Williamson’s views Delena as disposable and not at all important to Elena’s journey. Plec can talk extensively about what Delena means to Damon - but very little about what it means to Elena. For Plec, Delena is about Damon and it really shows.
Look, the most interesting Damon/Elena ever were was in early season three. Elena wanted Damon, but was afraid of what that said about her - that she was attracted to a monster who killed her brother and abused her best friends. Caroline said it made her human. And so season three became about Elena decided what kind of person she wanted to be. At the end of the day, she saw Stefan - the man who always got back up and tried to rise above his mistakes - as the person she wanted to make a life with. She wanted to keep Damon, all the dark parts of herself she hated, but she felt she had to make a choice.
But it never goes anywhere after that, at least not for Elena. The most interesting she is is in the start of season six when she wishes away her love for Damon, in part, because she’s tied so much of herself into loving Damon she no longer knew who she was without him.
And then she took him back because of reasons (Nina was leaving, time to neatly tie up Delena instead of continuing with the Stefan/Damon/Elena triangle - the lack of Stefan->Caroline development in season five and six wasn’t an accident - Stefan was never going to end up happily ever after with Caroline if Nina had stayed). Damon/Elena stopped trying to say and do anything with Elena, so I lost interest in even reading against what I believe was authorial intent, like I did with so much of Damon/Elena is seasons 1-4ish. I mean, whenever Elena’s perspective was highlighted, it was her breaking up with him, her bending her morals to be with him, her erasing her memories of him, her not bothering to write about him while waxing poetry about her other epic love instead. As a fan of Elena, there’s only so much I can do with that.